I tried to drink away my Father’s suicide for years. You never get over it, but you do get through it. I found a group called Know Resolve Survivors Of Suicide. It was extremely helpful. If youre in SE Michigan Ill be happy to get you info for them, if not Id recommend finding s similar group near you. I tried other grief share groups but people who havent experienced suicide dont understand it. Id also recommend the book Dying to be Free by Jean Larch. I found it helpful after my Dad. I was able to attend a workshop with the author as shes local and active in the SOS group. Id also recommend attending AA if you dont already. It should help the slip from turning to all out relapse and in my experience suicide is far more common than most think. Chances are sharing in the safety of AA, youll find others also effected by it. Even if you dont the support of the fellowship will be helpful. My heart breaks for you. Remember, your friend was the bravest person you ever knew. He fought demons everyday in silence. You have no idea how many times you prolonged his life helping him fight through another 24 hours. You couldnt have stopped him, once he decided to enter the tunnel to die he had blinders to any one or any thing thst could have. Please do not spend time replaying your last times with him searching for a sign you could have noticed to stop him. It wasnt there. It took me almost 5 years to realize that. Im happy to talk anytime you want. Youll be in my prayers. God Bless.
Hey Lulu, really sorry for the loss of your friend.
Different doc here, but I certainly relate to this. Been staring down a lot of days lately where I just don’t want to be clean. I know I’m better without it, I know that I’m not taking care of myself, I know it’s shooting myself in the foot and I still act out. I know I’m powerless and insane but I struggle with belief in a spiritual awakening. I don’t doubt that people have it, I doubt that I can get there.
I’m and addict and I’m a selfish asshole. I tell myself it’s not that bad to give in to self medicating. 5 days into going off the rails I come back to reality and I’m a wreck; I can’t show up for my son, I distance myself from my spouse and everyone else, I’m doing things that could cost me my career and everything I’ve been blessed with or worked for.
But then I remember that I don’t need to come up with enough of a plan to keep me sober for the rest of my life. I just have to come up with a plan to keep me sober for today. I can worry about tomorrow when it comes. I know a few good people, I’ve got my toolbox, I have some experience with sobriety and tons of experience being an idiot. I like my chances for tomorrow.
I’m on day 4. Hope you find some calmer waters soon.
Very understandable. That’s really rough. I’m so sorry.
@LuluJo - I am so very sorry. You have had far more than your share of loss, and I can only imagine the kind of pain you must be in.
I cannot tell you how much I admire you for posting here and talking about your loss and how it has impacted you. I heard early on in sobriety that our secrets keep us sick - and that isolation will kill us. Your honesty, even in the most painful time, reminds me that connection and feeling understood is the thing so many of us need to stay sober and sane.
Know that, as much as I can,I do understand. I have faced those dark nights of the soul, and they could have gone very differently if not for miraculous intervention and caring friends. Please know that we are here for you in whatever way we can be…and know that you are loved.
I lost my brother due to suicide in my late 20s. Unfortunately the pain will stay forever and, at least to me, gets worse over the years. As i get older, im probably less strong than i was in my 20s, it just hurts more over time. However i respect his decision and you should not get angry at people that took their lives. It was their decision. I was never in such pain like them to think that the only solution is death. It must be really a dark and desperate feeling. Maybe they found peace now, if theres anything after this life. Dont feel bad for drinking either. I think this is a justified relapse. Maybe you needed it. Just go back on track and stay strong. Life carries on. Peace.
Thank you @anon79808082!
It feels like they are falling like dead birds. This is the fourth loss in four years. Combined with other unfortunate life events it can be easily overwhelming. I am better today. Hope he is in peace. Thank you for your support.
Thank you @anon13078412! I have not been drinking and want to keep it that way. We all know that it doesn’t solve anything but a mere escape from reality. Thank you for your encouragement.
Hi @Joules!
There is so much resemblance that makes me feel you walked the same way I have been trying to stay on. Isolation could be problem but it helps me to grieve in private. Like you talked to your horses, I sit with plants, any plant that a place for me to sit near it. It makes me feel connected. Unfortunately this time I am coming to terms with death, but I know that suicide is a cry for help, to be heard. I walked around the edges of it in the past. What stopped me was knowing how the ones left behind us destroyed and crippled for life. It never goes away, we learn to live with it. Hopefully sober. I appreciate you sharing your story. It is tremendously tender.
Sorry for your loss.
@Jtown37, that is exactly what I did after I lost my brother. You are spot on. Yes, the pain, we learn to live with it. Sober.
You take care of yourself too. Thank you for being here with me.
Hi @ifs!
I wanted to quote parts of your message but that would have been everything you said. Such an insight and tells me that you know exactly how brutal it is. I intend to stay sober and I am at the moment. I tried it every other way before. We all know that it doesn’t work, it is all or nothing. I have tried enough to know not to kid myself. I do want to be the person I have want to become. I have done it before and it was the best period of my life.
I appreciate your wisdom and support
Thank you @Shellie. This is so true. You are absolutely right.
My sister’s husband committed suicide almost two decades ago, we learned to live with it. It does fade but never goes away.
I agree, I find writing healing. I write privately however. I should start to write to communicate. That is why I decided to start with responding each comment individually. We will see how it goes and how much I can keep up with it.
Thank you @Salty!
@LuluJo What an articulate, beautiful post. I get the plants. I just revamped my room and added eight small ones around my room to make it feel more relaxing, spa-lije, grounded. Funny how nature can absorb our negativity, seemingly without effort or side-effect.
I have hought about suicide, as I suppose manyn people have, but no. I don’t see myself doing it. I hate death and suffering.