Four years ago today i woke up the same way I had for 20 years - with that godawful sinking feeling about how much of a mess i was the night before, with that taste in my mouth…you know the one. Every morning. That low level depression. I’m such a useless human being. Why can’t I just be like everybody else. I’m such an embarrassment. I wont do it again tonight…I’m going to stop.
By 1pm, I’d already caved and bought 2 bottles of red wine. By 5pm, i went back up to the off-licence and got 2 more. At 10.30pm, after drinking those too, I realised I’d missed the cut-off time for buying more (I’m in Ireland, you can’t purchase alcohol after 10pm). I was completely hysterical about it. It was just so unfair. Life was so unfair. Everything is so hard. Everything is too much.
By 3am…the 18th July 2019…I downloaded this app.
And I didn’t know if id already killed who I was, if I had drowned her over the last 20 years in red wine and whisky and tears. And i was absolutely terrified of everything; of what it meant to say you’re an alcoholic, of what it meant to be one of those sober people, of the damage I’d already done. And those little circles of 1day and 1week seemed completely impossible…and everything was just so completely overwhelming.
If you’re there now…in that place…where you’re holding on by your fingernails and the whole world is just too much - I want you to know i woke up this morning and that app says 4years.
Im not going to start spouting inspirational crap. You and i both know it wont work. Theres no amount of quotes or phrases that will wave a wand and get you through this. But what i know is absolutely true -100% guaranteed- is that you have what it takes to fix this. You can, and you will, do this. In those hopeless moments, you can’t trust your mind - it lies to you and tells you its all pointless because its an addict and it doesn’t want to lose you. Its a parasite and it needs to keep you half alive to feed it.
You are perfect. And the whole world, with all its incredible and extraordinary beauty, is just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s all there…its all yours.
Dont stop. If you fall, get up immediately. Dont let it take hold. All those thoughts, how impossible it seems, how dark it gets…its all a big lie by the addict living inside your head to convince you to give up and cave in.
Your real life is right around the corner - and if no-one has told you today: I’m so proud of you.
god bless 
yes it can be done.
