I have a friend who’s been 4 years sober come and give me her AA book and some other tools for when it’s all too much. She brought a BIG container of homemade chicken broth and rice. With little oyster crackers, and I broke down. I felt so pathetic, and grateful, and embarrassed, and just lonely. It was absolutely touching though. I was telling her about the incident and how I have to think of every mistake my partner made to ease the guilt of my episode and she said that’s the addict rationale. And believe it or not it helps to move on to hear these things but God, it all still hurts.
3 Likes
Thank you so much, I’m pretty base level today but just sad and still have that knot of God what have I done 
but, I’ll take your advice and think I’ll buy some canvases to start painting again. I used to love to paint and listen to music but music is so hard to hear without getting emotional. Find it so bizarre because music would be a great soother, instead it’s a trigger.
Thats lovely of her and im sure it will have helped you to eat, talk and to have a good cry, keep pushing yourself forward even if u feel like u cant, remember to keep the basics in check for now until u start feeling a little better, that knot you have will start to ease with a bit more time, keep talking on here, we are all here for you 
2 Likes
I will 
when I get overwhelmed I read random posts and journal. I now fully understand I’ve always had a problem. I don’t know how everyone normalized it, including myself.
2 Likes
Its clever…it creeps up slowly over time i know mine did…a little bit more. …a few more times a week…it gets its hooks in before u even realise it then bam your hooked and you have a problem…it could happen to anyone and does
2 Likes
I dont know if youve seen this on here today…so inspirational…
2 Likes
HOLY MOLY 
I’M ONCE AGAIN SOBBING!! GUT WRENCH, GUTTURAL SOBBING. It is the SAME story from a beautiful human in Ireland. I’ve always believed because I’m Native American and my entire family are destructive Listene drinking alcoholics I was “pre-destined” to drink. AND REALLY BELIEVED I AM NOT LIKE THEM!! I AM, WE ARE, ADDICTION IS ADDICTION 
ohhhh Kelly, I screenshot this and want to frame it. This is the most accurate feeling right now. I told my friend I wish I could stop remembering random embarrassing moments and she laughed and said, “No!! Keep them, cherish them, those images are a blessing and will keep you sober”, I thought she was insane but it’s making sense.
2 Likes
It helps to realise others feel and have felt the same as us, not what we want for them or ourselves but we can all understand and help each other, someone told me that the opposite of addiction is connection and i think thats true…the connection to fellow recovering addicts is priceless. Hugs to you friend 
2 Likes
Infinite hugs. 
what’s crazy is there’s no going back because it’s all too evident. I just wish there were more hours of reprieve in the beginning. Also, never knew I could cry so much, constantly. For every reason you can imagine. Not gonna lie, it’s a little overwhelming today so signed up for a yoga class tonight to just not be home.
3 Likes
I think crying is good, you gotta get the crap out thats been festering for years…eventually i got where i was cried out, ready to take action and start looking at the reasons i used drink to deal with stuff in the first place…the real issues that were there before i started using it as a crutch for every little thing but its all a process and takes time, uve gotta allow yourself to feel everything and as i keep saying get those basics down so u can fire on all cylinders. Honestly sobriety is brilliant i love it now xx
1 Like
Your dialogue back and forth really touched my heart. In rehab, one of the counselors asked us to let them loves us until we could live ourselves. I never thought I could learn to love myself. Really appreciate how much you’ve grown, Starlight.
2 Likes
Thank you Lee that really means alot especially from you 
i feel alot empathy for Roxanne and want to help because ive been there, we all have. Love to you both @LeeHawk @rainy7
2 Likes
So much love. You won’t believe how often @Starlight14 responses have temporarily relieved this massive knot that just won’t release. And, how even briefly I don’t feel like the most vile person. I can’t get into my counselor until next Tuesday, so this is truly carrying me
2 Likes
The best way to soothe it is learn to be your best self.
That’s the reality. Welcome to abnormal yet normal living.
Is going to be tough but your going to make it
2 Likes
Its helps me to help you, we are all in this together. I have a list on my phone of all the things that make me happy and one of those things is helping other people especially those in addiction…when i read your first post it gave me a lump in my throat…i want you to know that there is a way out of the despair your feeling just as someone on here told me when i was rock bottom, yes youve done some bad things and although that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with it doesnt make you a vile person. I was the exact opposite of who i really am when i drank…sober im caring, kind… i literally wont hurt a fly…i collect spiders im my house into a box and put them outside because i cant bear to hurt anything…when i drank i was violent and hateful toward those i love…never my daughter but ive had violent altercations with my own mother which still disgusts me to this day…for me i realised that this behaviour when i drank was down to repressed sadness and anger from things in my childhood and life in general that had never been addressed and once the alcohol took away my inhibitions i no longer had the control in me to keep in check, its not an excuse but a reason for the way i was acting…i never wanted to be like that ever again so i stopped the drinking and worked on my issues, im still working on them and probably will be for the rest of my life but with every day ive been in recovery that guilt has lifted slightly…i can tell you that now i can look myself in the mirror and know im a decent person again but i can never go back to drinking
1 Like
My daughter is laying next to me, she’s 12 and remembers me belligerent and violent when she was 3-4. Never saw it again because I chose to act out when ever she was at her dad’s because I think subconsciously I knew it would truly hurt her and change who she would become. BUT, last week I was screaming, and breaking random items, a real life Tasmanian Devil in front of my boyfriend’s 6 year old son who LOVES me and has been with us since he was 2. It’s killing me.
My first born son died when I was 23, he drowned… I’m 39 now and I know I have never came close to acknowledging his death, feeling his death, when he comes to my mind I physically shake my head and shake him out. Was never sober since. And, no one dared question it. If I’m being completely honest, I think my boyfriend and his son’s relationship made me feel pangs of jealousy and guilt that my son was gone and the moments they have I would never get. Why else would I cause so much harm to two innocent people that genuinely love me and never judge me? Kelly, I’m sooo fuckin sick to my stomach whenever I think of it and find myself stuffing it deep down then hours later WAVES of anxiety. Next week, for intake for counseling I decided to do both… substance abuse, and grief counseling. Anger management might be needed too, but like you I’m ONLY angry when drunk. Would never hurt a fly. It’s so hard because to acquaintances I’m an angel 
and to the ones I love the most a truly disturbed person. Except for my daughter, I’m trying to keep it airy and light for her. What’s crazy is at the movies yesterday she said “mom, you forgot your wine” I told her oh wow, I sure did. And she looked at me for a second and just smiled and nuzzled into me. Then I thought of all the hungover days, all the days of cuddling in dark rooms because mom is hungover, driving drunk with her, vomiting and dry heaving… it may not have been violent outbursts towards her but I am now remembering how many times I’ve put her in danger. I just want to hide 
2 Likes
Oh Roxanne im so sorry for your loss i really am… youve realised you need to get help with this and have already put that help in place so you can move forward, thats really brave you know n im proud of you for that, you should be proud of yourself for taking those steps, for now concentrate only on you and obviously your daughter…your in pain and u have been for a long time you wont be the first or the last to take things out on those closest, by commiting to your sobriety and getting the help you need youl find that in time these other things will begin to work their way out too but rome wasnt built in a day so for now please try and be kind to yourself…its ok to do that, no matter what has happened its never too late to make a change for the better
2 Likes
Is it weird to say I love you because gratitude and love are all I feel for you. You have made this week, this transition bearable. I’ve never expressed myself so honestly… probably because I’ve always drank when the feeling arises. Now, I know there’s no turning back because I’m completely AWARE. Also, I’ve never been so honest. It feels good to unload without judgment. I’ve been portraying a perfect life and judgment is what hurts me the most next to abandonment Day 8. I am going on vacation Thursday so I’ll need to tell everyone I gotta stay away at night when they begin drinking. I don’t think I should be around it right now even though my mind is not craving it.
2 Likes
Its like @LeeHawk said…let others love you until you can love yourself and i do have alot of love for you as a fellow addict, for what uve been through and where you are…its really tough but you can and will get through this, if ive helped u then thats reward in itself…its what we do here. Its part of the disease to be secretive and hide things but secrets keep us sick and thats what the disease wants, i remember feeling so much lighter once i just started being honest, it was like a huge weight lifted, youve got alot going for you Roxanne…youve begun to see the light, you have what sounds like a lovely daughter who loves her mama unconditionally and youve been brave enough to seek out some help for yourself…this is all an amazing start under really difficult circumstances, 8 days is brilliant but yes id air on the side of caution for now and not be around drinking for a good while, im so proud of u girl
2 Likes
I agree. Just a normal kid summer vacation 
1 Like