That was my exact attitude my first go at sobriety. I didn’t let sobriety get in the way of living my life the way I saw fit. I went to parties, I went to bars, I hung out with friends. I did all that, I just didn’t drink. I was in control and invincible, that is, until I wasn’t. Call it arrogance, call it hubris. Whatever it was, it didn’t work. It took 2 months before I was drinking again. After 8 months of drinking and now unemployed, I tried again, and this time I realized some things. I realized I am not as smart as I thought I was. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I needed to learn from people who have been successful. I needed to change my lifestyle.
I don’t go to parties anymore. I don’t go to bars anymore. Not because I am avoiding alcohol out of fear, but because I don’t want to; I don’t need to. It took a lot of saying no to get to this point and I am perfectly content.
I too have been learning from people who have succeeded, that’s why I’m taking this approach. I’ve also heard many people, like yourself, who didn’t do so well in being in such situations. I don’t consider myself invincible, if only! I have followed a nd still am, a path that has helped so many others though. A change of mindset is key. Then it’s simply get on with life. I’m neither avoiding or deliberately seeking situations. They come up when they do. I go if I want, I don’t if I don’t. Alcohol, for me, don’t come into it- I’ve got rid of it from my life. This is just my path. We’ve all got our own way. Long as we’re all ok eh? Great thread
Ctrl + F = “explosive diarrhoea”
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I think you might have missed the only excuse you’ll ever need to avoid any social situation of your choosing.
Really should’ve opened with that one @HoofHearted
I’ll never forget one moment I had - it was probably my most courageous moment I’ve ever had in my life and looking back I have no idea how I did it or why I made such a big deal about it. But I thank myself every day that I did.
I was 22 years old and went to a bar with a friend or two and a bunch of colleagues from work. Most of them were older and we lived in a small cold town where the only thing people really did for entertainment was drink. I’d told myself I’d go so that I didn’t seem like a stuck up prat but that under no circumstance was I to drink any alcohol.
First bar I ordered a root beer and I enjoyed some good conversation. Two - three drinks in the group decided to head down the street to a different bar and I thought it would be a good time to leave, but they grabbed me and dragged me in. Not wanting to cause a fight I went along but swore I wouldn’t drink. Once they ordered shots and tried hard to get me to drink I stood up and I remember saying these words far too loudly (the whole bar heard me):
“No means no. I’m not going to let you pressure me into doing something that I don’t want to do and I am not going to let you change me into someone that I’m not anymore. Here’s your cab money” (knowing I wasn’t drinking I had also volunteered to be DD for the night) and I dropped a 20 on the counter for them. The other patrons not in our group applauded me as I walked out and I will never forget that rush of support and satisfaction that I got from doing what I knew to be right.
So I went home alone at 930pm and I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. The next little while at work people tiptoed a little but once they realized I didn’t hold any grudge against them they respected me that much more.
As proud as I am for being able to actually say no under pressure, I have no desire to ever go back into a bar again - and I will always say no to a social event where drinking is the primary focus. (Though I tend towards declining most social invitation already - I’m just a bit antisocial)
I was told there’s only 2 events I need to be at. My wedding and my funeral. And I’m not having anymore weddings. I understand the positive feelings of sobriety and all of a sudden wanting to be present, but as addicts and alcoholics we’ve typically abandoned these types of events for years and if we were there people probably wanted us to leave. If we miss a few more events it’s doubtful anyone is going to notice, let alone care. Addicts and alcoholics love thinking the world revolves around us, but typically our presence is not required at anything.
Last weekend was my first real dinner party with our friends since COVID started, and since I went sober. They all drink wine. It was all around, and my wife and I were the only ones not partaking of the grape. Truth is, I was enjoying our friends and good food so much I didn’t care at all about the wine, and there was no pressure or even questions from anyone.
I was just starting to feel anxiety about the holidays and you posted this! I don’t think I’ve ever been sober through the holidays since I was old enough to drink. Thank you for writing this
I’ve found, for me, going in with my mind clear and with confidence, these situations are fine. I think they may seem very challenging for a person who is very anxious beforehand or who feels alcohol has power over them, perhaps - not making assumptions about anyone else. I’ve affirmed where I am at and so, for me, see no need to avoid situations. Glad you enjoyed your time with your friends. Hopefully that adds more confidence for your next social function.
The only situation that I haven’t seen discussed here is as the newly (or even not so newly) sober spouse of someone who has a work function and feels pressured to bring their partner. I have been through this many times. It can be a tough spot, because I have wanted to be supportive especially when he was new in a job or like now when he is new to a managerial role. First of all, I really despise being the plus 1 and having to small talk with strangers (UGHHHH), and over the years we have negotiated early departures and scheduling conflicts, etc. Those are all great options. But having an honest conversation with my spouse about how these functions are painfully awkward and at times quite triggering is important to me so that he knows it isn’t just about not wanting to go, but that it is not a healthy move in maintaining sobriety or good for my recovery to go, and then planning accordingly.
Great post! I needed to read this. I’m only 8 days sober and hadn’t even thought about how to handle the parties/holidays. I’m everyone’s favorite party girl that is SO much fun. Even when I try not to drink people are pouring the drinks for me. I simply can NOT be in that situation and stay sober.
Bumping this up, as its that time of year again, also to add:
Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, convince you that you HAVE to do something or go somewhere for the benefit of someone else. You are your own person and are free to do, or not, whatever you feel YOU need to do.
Bumping this thread. Great info for everyone!
It doesn’t matter if we have 1 day or 1,000, our addiction is outside doing push ups just waiting for that opening to pounce.
