1000 days sober
So I’m now a whole 1000 days sober, a load of days with limited pain, limited regret, reduced anxiety, increased confidence and a better quality of life.
1000 days ago I was on holiday and I planned to have one nights drinking. I stopped my Antabuse tablets and went out drinking planning to have “6 pints” those 6 pints took me an hour and I was off for the day / night in blackout.
The morning after my last drink I felt like I was the worst person in the world as always. I had done the usual drink driving, unfaithful behaviours and violence towards random male strangers. I had the usual regret, shame, anxiety, sadness and the “I will never drink again attitude” but this time I actually wanted to do something about it by finding a program and working it. I knew I couldn’t drink safely and was fully powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.
I can now walk down the street with my head held high and not worry about who I’ve upset in active alcoholism. I’m now a rational thinker and don’t act on my stereotypical male impulses (violence, aggression and lust) without alcohol in my system I have morals and may think about certain things but won’t act on them as in sane mind I think about the consequences of my actions.
A lot of you know a lot of my stories already but I wasn’t a very upstanding member of the community when drinking
- Regular violence
- Damage to property
- Powerless over drugs
- Powerless over women
- Wouldn’t be scared of making a negative impression to fulfil and feed my own ego
If I was still drinking I’d be Dead or I’d be in a whole world still consumed by my obsessive thoughts around alcohol, it wouldn’t be a nice place.
My program of recovery consists of
- Regular AA meetings
- Secretary at my AA home group
- Daily prayer, reading and reflection
- Worked the steps and done all the work required being honest and open
- Offering service when I can
- Checking in on my online communities
- Having the opportunity to reach out to another alcoholic if I need too. I’m a stereotypical male so I’m not a ‘ringer’ but I will text if I need advise or support
- Most importantly NOT TAKING THAT FIRST DRINK
The mental obsession has been removed from me, I now don’t obsess about drinking or think about how I’m going to get my drink. I used to hate the constant lies, hiding my alcohol and going to any means to not get found out
- I used to hide my alcohol in various places around the house
- When I went to the bar I’d have to get two beers and down one before I got back to the table
- I DIY “fixed” a breathalyser I got off amazon to prove my innocence. Basically I covered the sensor so I would always blow Zero to prove to others I was sober (when I wasn’t)
- I used to engineer arguments so I could disappear on benders for days on end
There are endless other things I did to hide my alcoholism from others and too many to list, I’m blessed that I don’t have to do that today. I was not of sane mind when I was doing these things.
The alcoholic “illness” is progressive.
Five years ago when I came to the realisation I had a problem, I vowed that I’d never drink drive or drink in the morning.
Guess what happened? I was regularly drink driving and choosing to drink in the morning to ease the anxiety….
What would I be like if I carried on drinking?
The day after drinking and doing something bad I genuinely believed in my heart that I’d never drink again but after the days and weeks passed and the anxiety and shame subsided then I’d start to romanticise alcohol again getting euphoric recall about how I used to have fun. The important thing is to play the tape and think about what would happen if I kept drinking, I’d think of all the negative experiences and pain I’ve been in and caused. I’m now out of that cycle as today I don’t want to drink again EVER
I want to thank all my friends I’ve met in the AA rooms, my friends from around the world on my online communtities, my friends and family and everybody else who has supported me on this tough journey
For anybody still struggling please read my story and know there is a solution but you have to fully surrender and be willing to do the work and follow what is suggested. So far It’s worked for me so I’ll carry on doing what I’m doing