My first post. I am officially at 31 days without alcohol, my longest time without a drink since 2017-2018. This may be some rambling and choppy, but I just want to share.
It started as “Dry January” which I considered a simple way to cover up the fact that I have a problem with alcohol. I used to think I could moderate it, but this past year and reflecting on issues I have had that revolved around alcohol, I do not think moderation is meant for me.
After a handful of incidents in my short past, I always came to the idea that “one day I’ll have to quit drinking” and that one day kept getting put off.
I would take a week off of drinking or not drink during the week. I was even told by a friend, “I don’t think you have a drinking problem, you don’t drink every day.” But some days I did drink every day, and even if I didn’t, it was the emotions and things I associated with alcohol. I mean sure, not every brunch and mimosa bar was filled with negative feelings, but I knew that some days were better than others. They were the days that made me feel like I could moderate. It was like a trick my brain was playing and yet I still knew exactly what was happening. The issue was in front of me, and I actively chose to ignore it.
I am still coming to terms that this could be a step in the direction of a forever commitment, but I also know that I can only take this one day at a time. Forever didn’t seem impossible but it just was so… final. Perhaps it is choosing to not see this as an end, but just a continuation of whatever is next to learn.
Even just looking at that above, I know I am in a more mindful place than I have been before. I am actively choosing to say these words and that is telling me I may actually have a better shot at staying sober than I have in the past.
So, here’s to tomorrow and whatever is to come.
Thank you.
