TW: Suicide, death of a child
Didnāt think Iād find myself in here, ad I am introverted, and also very much someone who only turns to a small trusted circle when Iām in crisis/relapse.
My relapse spiral started six days after an international move, and it took my bipolar with it. Of course I didnāt see it at the time even though a few people were giving me the āhey Kati, something is wrongā talks. I got entangled with someone and ended up almost addicted to the toxicity they masked so well as a beautiful lie. Disappeared interstate to reclaim my body from someone who took it from me. Ended up in hospital, had four surgeries, and that was my āI canāt keep doing this. I need helpā moment.
With a little help from two friends in particular I got myself to rehab once medically cleared. Because my bipolar got so bad I needed a meds change, so instead of 30 days Iām doing 60, because I was not going to have been stable long enough to cope with returning to the real world.
The universe has a twisted sense of humour - on day four in rehab, someone I have an eight year history with (one I canāt even begin to explain without sounding insane) found himself in the same centre, and being difficult. So I did what I had to do, and made my presence known in a gentle way that wasnāt in his face. It didnāt take long before we broke the no fraternisation rule, which the person I was entangled with (but by no means exclusive) was angry about and set off a path of destruction.
Sticks and stones for the most part. It just pushed myself and the person I have history with closer together. Staff found out but didnāt separate us or kick us out. Because the history was pre-existing they allowed it (with the caveat of being discreet, I have a private room, soā¦) because weāre positive and motivate each other - Iāve even got him talking to his family again for the first time in nearly a decade because they are that he is different this time. Heās also doing 60 days because of his mental health needing a meds change, so now that weāre in our second 30 days block we are in the same room and to other patients we are a couple.
The one I was entangled with before rehab wasnāt succeeding with her sticks and stones, so she worked hard to turn my two closest supports against me, which was another fail. There was one last button she could press. My son. I relinquished my parental rights and responsibilities in 2018 after my last stint in rehab, and he was adopted by my mother - but he still called me āmumā and we spoke almost every day. Heās battled a lot of very dark thoughts, which was used to goad him to take his own life, and then the ex took hers. If I wasnāt in rehab when I got the call to day my son had taken his own life, followed by the call that my ex had taken her own life, I would have given up. But I had one friend who had not turned his back through all the emotional nukes i set off with the bipolar. He stuck by my side and kept me tethered (he has been my tether for a long time, and he knows it. Hell, he could be reading this because heās nine months soberā¦ But I digressā¦ Best friend a woman could want, and I owe him my lifeā¦
But itās not just my life.
I was asked to do a pregnancy test for obvious reasons, and 15 positive (okay, not 15, but I think it was nine) tests with follow up HCG level blood test saying āthereās a baby in thereā, I didnāt accept the positive result despite a symptoms, until a few days ago when a scan was done to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which Iāve experienced twice before). I didnāt want to look at the screen but the person I have the eight year history with and have to masquerade as a couple in the same room in rehabā¦ He said I should look. Safely tucked away in a great spot there were two little pinky fingernail sized sacs. Two.
In less than two weeks Iāll be able to see heartbeats.
My family is too dysfunctional for me to want to tell them, but babydaddy, who has been so sweet and trying to look after me well, heās told his parents and his mum is super excited and after a bunch of conversations that werenāt trying to get lines of communication open for them, sheās welcoming me into the family.
And itās nice. Really nice.
I started my journey to get clean, FOR that best friend a woman could want. I stuck at it through the rough stuff BECAUSE of that best friend a woman could want. My son was taken away from me, but the universe is giving me a second (and third) chance. These lil buns will never replace my 14 year old. But they are lil buns that are on the way because of the love between two friends, and the love and acts thereof between two people with a long history and sharing in this intense experience of recovery (and some breaking if rules).
Itās a LOT to take in and process, especially in such a short time. But there is so much love, and hope, and something wonderful (read: also slightly terrifying) to look forward to, which I have not had for half my life, because my battle with addiction started after major surgery when I was 16-17. Iām 34 now.
Iām usually an stickler for rules because itās super important in my job as a veterinarianā¦ But this time, I am glad I oroke the rules and for the first time Iām actually surrounded by love. It might not be my familyā¦ But itās my chosen family.
40 days down. Hopefully 40 years to go.
If youāve stuck with me this far, thank you. Leave a comment for the lil buns, which I will print and put in a scrapbook so that these lil buns know that they are incredible, wonderful, lifesavers for Mom and Dad, even though out family dynamic might be a bit unconventional.