40 days sober; surprise, you're pregnant.... šŸ˜®

TW: Suicide, death of a child

Didnā€™t think Iā€™d find myself in here, ad I am introverted, and also very much someone who only turns to a small trusted circle when Iā€™m in crisis/relapse.

My relapse spiral started six days after an international move, and it took my bipolar with it. Of course I didnā€™t see it at the time even though a few people were giving me the ā€œhey Kati, something is wrongā€ talks. I got entangled with someone and ended up almost addicted to the toxicity they masked so well as a beautiful lie. Disappeared interstate to reclaim my body from someone who took it from me. Ended up in hospital, had four surgeries, and that was my ā€œI canā€™t keep doing this. I need helpā€ moment.

With a little help from two friends in particular I got myself to rehab once medically cleared. Because my bipolar got so bad I needed a meds change, so instead of 30 days Iā€™m doing 60, because I was not going to have been stable long enough to cope with returning to the real world.

The universe has a twisted sense of humour - on day four in rehab, someone I have an eight year history with (one I canā€™t even begin to explain without sounding insane) found himself in the same centre, and being difficult. So I did what I had to do, and made my presence known in a gentle way that wasnā€™t in his face. It didnā€™t take long before we broke the no fraternisation rule, which the person I was entangled with (but by no means exclusive) was angry about and set off a path of destruction.
Sticks and stones for the most part. It just pushed myself and the person I have history with closer together. Staff found out but didnā€™t separate us or kick us out. Because the history was pre-existing they allowed it (with the caveat of being discreet, I have a private room, soā€¦) because weā€™re positive and motivate each other - Iā€™ve even got him talking to his family again for the first time in nearly a decade because they are that he is different this time. Heā€™s also doing 60 days because of his mental health needing a meds change, so now that weā€™re in our second 30 days block we are in the same room and to other patients we are a couple.

The one I was entangled with before rehab wasnā€™t succeeding with her sticks and stones, so she worked hard to turn my two closest supports against me, which was another fail. There was one last button she could press. My son. I relinquished my parental rights and responsibilities in 2018 after my last stint in rehab, and he was adopted by my mother - but he still called me ā€œmumā€ and we spoke almost every day. Heā€™s battled a lot of very dark thoughts, which was used to goad him to take his own life, and then the ex took hers. If I wasnā€™t in rehab when I got the call to day my son had taken his own life, followed by the call that my ex had taken her own life, I would have given up. But I had one friend who had not turned his back through all the emotional nukes i set off with the bipolar. He stuck by my side and kept me tethered (he has been my tether for a long time, and he knows it. Hell, he could be reading this because heā€™s nine months soberā€¦ But I digressā€¦ Best friend a woman could want, and I owe him my lifeā€¦

But itā€™s not just my life.
I was asked to do a pregnancy test for obvious reasons, and 15 positive (okay, not 15, but I think it was nine) tests with follow up HCG level blood test saying ā€œthereā€™s a baby in thereā€, I didnā€™t accept the positive result despite a symptoms, until a few days ago when a scan was done to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which Iā€™ve experienced twice before). I didnā€™t want to look at the screen but the person I have the eight year history with and have to masquerade as a couple in the same room in rehabā€¦ He said I should look. Safely tucked away in a great spot there were two little pinky fingernail sized sacs. Two.
In less than two weeks Iā€™ll be able to see heartbeats.

My family is too dysfunctional for me to want to tell them, but babydaddy, who has been so sweet and trying to look after me well, heā€™s told his parents and his mum is super excited and after a bunch of conversations that werenā€™t trying to get lines of communication open for them, sheā€™s welcoming me into the family.

And itā€™s nice. Really nice.

I started my journey to get clean, FOR that best friend a woman could want. I stuck at it through the rough stuff BECAUSE of that best friend a woman could want. My son was taken away from me, but the universe is giving me a second (and third) chance. These lil buns will never replace my 14 year old. But they are lil buns that are on the way because of the love between two friends, and the love and acts thereof between two people with a long history and sharing in this intense experience of recovery (and some breaking if rules).

Itā€™s a LOT to take in and process, especially in such a short time. But there is so much love, and hope, and something wonderful (read: also slightly terrifying) to look forward to, which I have not had for half my life, because my battle with addiction started after major surgery when I was 16-17. Iā€™m 34 now.

Iā€™m usually an stickler for rules because itā€™s super important in my job as a veterinarianā€¦ But this time, I am glad I oroke the rules and for the first time Iā€™m actually surrounded by love. It might not be my familyā€¦ But itā€™s my chosen family.

40 days down. Hopefully 40 years to go.

If youā€™ve stuck with me this far, thank you. Leave a comment for the lil buns, which I will print and put in a scrapbook so that these lil buns know that they are incredible, wonderful, lifesavers for Mom and Dad, even though out family dynamic might be a bit unconventional.

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Hi @KatiMouse, welcome and congrats on 40 days. Wow this was a rollercoaster read. Iā€™m very sorry to read that your son has commited suicide. Thatā€™s heartbreaking.
Youā€™re going through a lot, too much for anyone. I hope you find it in you to hold on fast fast fast to your sobriety, absolutely soak in anything they teach you in rehab and start building a plan, network, schedule for after. You need more than one or two other ppl in your life to pull you through, one of them also being in early recovery. Itā€™s wonderful to have love and support in life, one of the top most important things, no doubt. But another person will not keep you clean and sober. Only you can do that for yourself, and happiness, hope and good intentions are not enough. Think about joining a program (you didnā€™t mention your doc so I donā€™t know of NA, AA or what else would apply). Are you in therapy? Youā€™ve got so much going on, it seems like a good idea to me. You learn to hold a relationship there, to trust and you get to know yourself.
This community is also great for knowledge, support and accountability. Here are some threads to get you started
Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Mental health memes and discussion (Part 1)

Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough: youā€™re going to be a mother again, how wonderful! You are truly blessed and have every reason to be joyful and full of hope! Iā€™m very happy for you!
But see what pressure you are putting your children under already, this really worries me:

Your babies are not lifesavers. They are babies. They need their mum and dad to give them life, save their lives, guard and build and nourish their lives. Do not bring them into a world where they have a function, a job, a duty and an expectation to live up to. For how is a little child supposed to feel who grows up knowing they were supposed to save mummyā€™s life - if mummy relapses, struggles, just faces normal, everyday, hard, sometimes crushing life, battles mental health issues like bipolar and is depressed? This child is going to feel inferior, helpless, guilty and lost. I was that child, many on here were. Many out there, who never made it, also were those children. Iā€™m sure you donā€™t want this for your babies. So think hard, hard with what mindset you want to bring them into this world, and how youā€™ll make it better for them.

I wish you all the strength, all the love and the recovery possible! I hope you stay with us, reach out and communicate! This is a lovely place and we are happy to have you amongst us!

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Thank you for the thought and effort you put into your response.

Iā€™ll be as succinct as I can be at the moment. Rough night, and I canā€™t get back to sleep.

In terms of therapists and the like, this is chaos. I moved from Australia to the US in August, so I have some stuff covered by insurance through my job, some stuff covered by insurance I pay into personally, and some stuff has a two year wait before itā€™s covered because itā€™s a pre-existing condition. While Iā€™m in this messy limbo state, Iā€™ve remained in contact with my Australian based primary care physician, psychologist, and psychiatrist - weekly, fortnightly, and monthly respectively. Theyā€™re all working with potential clinicians to bring them up to speed with everything, and a lot of US based clinicians are saying they donā€™t have the skillset I need - despite it being made known I will be setting up a network of professionals as I have in Aus and they all work closely together.
So Iā€™m working on it. Staff at the rehab centre Iā€™m at are also helping with finding me a NA support worker in/near my city, and the best friend a woman could ask for has a list of services he found helpful and will come with me to groups until Iā€™m okay to go on my own. The downside to being 10,000miles/15,500km from my usual support network. Although I have long-term friendships in the US, only three know what addiction is like.

Babydaddy is going to move to the same city as me from another state, so that we can continue our recovery, be close enough to family but avoiding the risk of co-dependency for a little bit, and we will have family counseling because although Iā€™ve done the parenting thing before I got it wrong and decided my son was going to be safer with my mum after my second 60 day stint in rehab (2015 and 2018). I donā€™t want to go down that path again. Babydaddy doesnā€™t want to mess it up. Heā€™s beautifully excited, which helps combat my fears a little.

And regarding the ā€˜lifesaversā€™ commentā€¦ I know what youean - and I can see how I worded my bit poorly.
After the two losses in quick succession, I was so close to giving up, leaving rehab, and just going out with a bender. Ally progress came undone and that meant my ā€œI want to get sober for me so I can do good and be happy againā€ as well. It takes me a while to want it for me. Iā€™ll know I need recovery, but before I want it for me and feel deserving of it for me, I start the process for someone I love. In 2018 it was for one of my brotherā€™s, as an example. We had both been in and out of rehab/detox for years, and at that time we were in rehab together, so I wanted to get better so that I could help him get betterā€¦ If that makes senseā€¦? In the spiral my bipolar took before I reached my ā€œyeah, time for rehabā€ rock bottom, I did a lot of things that hurt my usual support network back in Australia. Those bridges are not yet mended. Theyā€™re not demolished, but I cannot turn to my usual supports at the moment. The best friend a woman could want has stood by me through thick and thin, and I could see that he was hurting more as he lost more and more Kati. So he became the reason I had the drive to get my butt to rehab and get through that first week of revolting. Didnā€™t matter that he was the reason I got to rehab, it mattered that I got here and wanted to be here. The rest falls into place later. Thatā€™s how my vicious cycle goes.
Babydaddy is much the same as me. He doesnā€™t break the cycle for him. He breaks the cycle to stop hurting people he loves, and as time goes on he eventually wants it for himself, and thereā€™s things that keep him going.
Iā€™m at a point where I want sobriety for me, and Iā€™m working on accepting that I deserve some happiness. Babydaddy is a bit better than I am, but heā€™s also not grieving the loss of a child. That was obviously a major setback for me.
So, the lil buns tucked away, developing more every dayā€¦ Theyā€™ve given me a hope that I didnā€™t have before I found out I am pregnant, which will keep me focussing on my sobriety. If Iā€™m having a rough day, all Iā€™ll need to do is look at an ultrasound image, or the bump once it starts growing, or give lil buns cuddles once theyā€™ve arrived. Babydaddy is now more driven than I have ever seen him, and more than his family have ever seen him. Heā€™s determined to stay on track so that he can be the best dad he can be and have strong bonds with the lil buns.
In that sense the lil buns are absolutely lifesavers - and they will be what keep both babydaddy and I on course for years to come.

Oh boy, that wasnā€™t succinct at all. My apologies. Itā€™s a little after 5am and finding the words I wanted wasnā€™t happening.

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@KatiMouse hi and welcome I feel for youā€¦ I had somewhat similar circumstances about 4 years ago when I was in recovery from IV opiates but abusing my kids ADHD meds when I could get them.

Well the meds made me hypersexual and I went out and had a one night stand (ok maybe a few hrs) with some loserā€¦ I wasnā€™t on any kind of birth control. And wouldnā€™t you know itā€¦

Two little sacs on the ultrasound. Boy and my only girl.

So at this time I wasnā€™t functioning well, not taking care of my 4 other kids to the point that Childrenā€™s Aid was involved, and my husband totally overwhelmed. Time went on, and he heard through his work of a Christian couple who were ready and willing to adopt even though the boy twin had a severe heart defect.

So at 7.5 months we (I) made the decision to give the babies a better life and give them to this wonderful Mom and Dad with a big house. The adoptive Mom was able to come to a few ultrasounds and appointments with me though the twins arrived to fast for them to make it to the birth. They were preemies at 34 wks. C-section.

While the papers were being finalized I got to cuddle my little daughter in the NiCU though my son had been taken to a bigger hospital for heart surgery. I treasure those memories.

Itā€™s an open adoption so I have their Mom on text and get pictures a couple times a year. Canā€™t say it isnā€™t hard at times but I wasnā€™t well enough to be a parent at the time. I still usually see my kids only on weekends.

Thatā€™s my story anywayā€¦ addiction is awful but these two beautiful kids came out of it.

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