Hi @KatiMouse, welcome and congrats on 40 days. Wow this was a rollercoaster read. I’m very sorry to read that your son has commited suicide. That’s heartbreaking.
You’re going through a lot, too much for anyone. I hope you find it in you to hold on fast fast fast to your sobriety, absolutely soak in anything they teach you in rehab and start building a plan, network, schedule for after. You need more than one or two other ppl in your life to pull you through, one of them also being in early recovery. It’s wonderful to have love and support in life, one of the top most important things, no doubt. But another person will not keep you clean and sober. Only you can do that for yourself, and happiness, hope and good intentions are not enough. Think about joining a program (you didn’t mention your doc so I don’t know of NA, AA or what else would apply). Are you in therapy? You’ve got so much going on, it seems like a good idea to me. You learn to hold a relationship there, to trust and you get to know yourself.
This community is also great for knowledge, support and accountability. Here are some threads to get you started
Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Mental health memes and discussion (Part 1)
Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough: you’re going to be a mother again, how wonderful! You are truly blessed and have every reason to be joyful and full of hope! I’m very happy for you!
But see what pressure you are putting your children under already, this really worries me:
Your babies are not lifesavers. They are babies. They need their mum and dad to give them life, save their lives, guard and build and nourish their lives. Do not bring them into a world where they have a function, a job, a duty and an expectation to live up to. For how is a little child supposed to feel who grows up knowing they were supposed to save mummy’s life - if mummy relapses, struggles, just faces normal, everyday, hard, sometimes crushing life, battles mental health issues like bipolar and is depressed? This child is going to feel inferior, helpless, guilty and lost. I was that child, many on here were. Many out there, who never made it, also were those children. I’m sure you don’t want this for your babies. So think hard, hard with what mindset you want to bring them into this world, and how you’ll make it better for them.
I wish you all the strength, all the love and the recovery possible! I hope you stay with us, reach out and communicate! This is a lovely place and we are happy to have you amongst us!