Every time I think of the future, I see myself as a famous YouTuber/Twitch streamer. Before I went to rehab, I was a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. I lived it, playing my favourite games while talking to people who were watching. When I think of the future, I even see myself telling people on YouTube about my addiction. That’s what I still want to do, but I simply can’t because of my addiction.
I fucking hate addiction. I can never drink again, or experiment with drugs for the first time, or smoke. Not because I’m addicted to any of those, but I might become addicted.
Last night I cried again, I miss gaming so much. I don’t know why I haven’t relapsed yet. I don’t have a lot of motivation, because the physical effects of a gaming addiction aren’t really dangerous.
I guess I don’t want to cause my stepdad’s death, because he will get a lot of stress when I relapse, and that will probably kill him.
I think my autism is really helping me out too, I have been told not to game, so I didn’t. Now it isn’t in my system anymore to grab my laptop and start gaming, so I don’t.
I am happy I stopped gaming though. I feel physically fit. I have a lot of knowledge about my behaviour. I have better contact with my family. And I met you guys, which is great.
Feels weird to reply in your diary. Hope it is okay…
Glad to hear you did not reset!! Take pride that you realized the danger and seriousness of what you did. Speaking for myself, the addiction side of me is great at getting me to take tiny steps towards relapse. So small I sometimes do not notice until i am very close to a relapse or an actual relapse. Learn from this experience and you will be more prepared in your journey.
You are not supposed to put your hands near your face because that is one of the ways Covid-19 is spread. So keep your hands on your ass and you won’t bite your nails or catch Covid-19. I’m not even going to discuss the toe nail biting thing…
I’m glad you see the positive sides of this too. Another thing with addiction is the “opportunity cost” — it costs us opportunities that we would’ve had if we hadn’t engaged in our addiction. So you have opportunities to exercise and connect with people. You’re also keeping up with school which opens up many doors later on. You also get to discover other interests you may have, that you wouldn’t get to discover if you were spending all your time gaming.
Yesterday I found the little book I got from rehab. It’s a book in which the other patients wrote personal goodbye stories. I felt grateful reading it, but also guilty.
In rehab they called me the recovery guru, because I was so serious about recovery. I gave up the only pastime there, because it caused me to not feel my emotions. I changed from a scared kid to a strong kid with his own opinion. A kid who fought his fears.
Reading the book again made me realize that I am squandering my second chance. I’m lazy. I watch too much TV. I have horrible dental hygiene. I don’t do enough for school.
This gave me motivation to change my ways.
No more TV before I have finished homework.
No more than 2hrs of TV per day.
Taking recovery more serious.
Come summer break I will work out 3 hours a day, to increase my health and strength, since I am rather weak.
Stop wasting money on unhealthy food(iced coffee, potato chips, candies, cookies, etc…) and just eat what my mom buys.
Improve dental hygiene.
Mountainbike or run everyday.
Meet up with friends to avoid losing my social skills.
I am not saying that I don’t do anything for recovery. Since I have stated a lot of negative things, I feel like I should also tell some good things.
If I upset someone, I come back to it later, take my responsibility and don’t think of any excuses or legitimate reasons to make my action look less awful. For example, when someone hits me and I hit back, I take responsibility for hitting them without talking about the fact they hit me first.(This makes me seem like I fight a lot, but I don’t anymore)
I have a more healthy sleeping schedule, I do still like to read books on bed but at last until midnight.
I come outside more.
I am doing good at school despite the everlasting cramming. I just got an A+ for a test.
And most importantly, I don’t hate myself anymore.
Congratulations!! And I love your self assessment and goals too. I wish my kids would be as motivated as you to set goals and keep them! You’ll do great. Just keep going and keep that book of messages for sure!
My problem tends to be that I start something, but not finish it. But now I’ve discovered that I can use the app for non-addiction reasons too. And I will put an assessment of my goals in this thread to help maintaining focus on my goals. I think I’ll properly start those goals on the second of July
I just analized my average grades. I am 90% certain I’ll pass this schoolyear, but there are still a few factors that might change it. I have 4 tests to go. 2 of those will be important. I have another science test. I currently don’t have a passing grade for science, so I’ll be fucked if I fuck up that test. And I have a test for religion that willl make up 2/3 of my final grade tomorrow. The other 2 will have little effect since they are for subjects that I have a good average grade on, so they’re a courtesy really
I am pissed. I was cycling in front of a car. I put out my hand to show I had to take the turn. As soon as I start turning the asshole behind me gives extra gas. Fucking dickhead. I get so tired of the village I live. Like 5% of people are assholes in . That might not seem like a lot, but that is 1 in 20 cars. There’s multiple coffeeshops, and then I mean Dutch coffeeshops. Also a lot of illegal drugs dealing. Lots of theft. I hate it.
I’m so happy I’ll be moving in octobre
One day for a very difficult addiction. Good on you!
Concentrating on studying is working out well for you. Grades look great. How many languages do you know?
Be careful on your bike. My spouse rides and drivers can be morons. I don’t think they realize their effect on riders when they pull in front or swerve.
I know Dutch, Frisian(language spoken in my province), English, Spanish grammar(vocabulary isnt great yet) and I’d probably understand quite a bit of German since it is similar to Frisian and Dutch.
I am very aware when bicycling. I think I would have been hit plenty of times if I wouldn’t be aware of my surroundings. A big issue with me is that I cycle really fast, so drivers tend to think they have more time to pass. However my speed had nothing to do with this instance though.
