Thanks Laura 
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Apparently I’ve pissed off someone at school. The fella who allowed me to drop to lower level of education is not pleased that I wan’t to go back to my old level of education. I think that maybe I should inform him that allowing me to drop a level may very well have saved my life as it’s given me a huge
mental boost. I no longer don’t care if I’m dead or alive. I want to live again.
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Sounds like good idea to explain to this person a bit where you are coming from. Idk, but he could be irritated that he was able to make special arrangements for you and now you’re wanting to get out of it. So yes, expressing gratitude is often a bridge between people.
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Not necessarily wanting to get out of it. I will finish the special arrangements. Like a boss if I say so myself. But I can see very well what it looks like and it doesn’t look good if you don’t know the effect it has had 
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My entire head is a cluster fuck. My brother borrowed money from me for his cigarettes. Yes I know it’s enabling, but it’s also preserving my recovery because my brother is even more of an insufferable ass when he hasn’t smoked for a couple days. It possibly could have ended in him attacking me and I won’t get my ass kicked by someone to help them quit if they don’t want to. But that’s not the point. He paid back the money. He has never done that. I’ve borrowed him around €100 total and never before has he paid me back as it would mean he won’t be able to buy cigarettes. Strange, very strange
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505 days without gaming/5 days without television
Good morning folks.
I am on my way to school to take practice finals for Dutch, to prepare myself for the upcoming finals in a month. Really anxious to find out how they work and if they’re really as scary as everyone pretends.
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Great thread Jan, you’re the man. You should definitely like yourself as much as we all like you, you have a lot to offer all of us and you’re extremely generous with your time and energy.
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Thank you so much Jim, I really appreciate it. That just gave me a rare real smile
So, the practice final was a piece of cake. Really easy. I’m gonna nail the actual dutch finals in a month
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506 days no gaming
6 days no television
My concentration is nowhere to be found today. I’ve been at school for an hour now and I haven’t done anything. Usually I’d be angry with myself, now I’m just gonna do something relaxing to help me regain concentration.
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The company I work for is gonna change drastically. I don’t like change. There is a chance I’ll get fired for no reason other than them wanting to make more money. They are the biggest supermarket chain of the Netherlands, so why would you do this? Smh
517 days gamefree/ 17 days TV free
I am struggling really fucking badly. I want TV. My head has turned itself against me. I don’t want to post this. It will motivate me to stay free of TV. But I want to watch TV so fucking badly. I want to watch Grey’s anatomy, I want to watch falcon and the winter soldier. I want to know what the hype is about. I want to understand whats going on in the marvel universe. Fuck
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Why the fuck did my rehab aftercare counselor tell me I just had to balance. My head is using those words, the words of someone who’s supposed knows more about addiction than me. Why did they have to tell the same stupid thing at CGAA. Why did I believe it?!?!? Why do I still believe it?!?!?! I don’t want to ruin my longest stretch in maybe 15 years. TV is even more acceptable and normal then gaming. For as long as I can remember I’ve watched TV at least weekly. I wish I was addicted to substances instead of behaviours. Almost everyone on here can just game and watch tv like a normal person and barely anyone properly understands my addiction, which is very understandable.
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I am not saying that substance addiction is easy. I am 100% certain that it’s hell too.
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Counselors are human too. I’ve fallen into the trap of cherry picking what I want for my own use or using it against others. Just know they’re human and they’re trying to help. Everything they say won’t mesh with you but if a few things do, that’s awesome. And don’t get hung up on the negatives. Easier said than done, but you’ll feel a lot better.
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Hey Jan, sorry to hear your frustrations there. I hope it will pass soon. Just popping in here to say hello.
Bye for now…
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518 days game free/ 0 days TV free
There was a strong mental relapse. I fought it for around 10 hours, but eventually failed. I’ve fucked up my longest stretch in my life. I’m gonna start looking at it as a video game now. I’m not going for world records, simply personal bests.
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523 days gamefree/0 days TV free
Clearly, something went wrong. I had 17 days. The longest stretch of my life, including rehab as there were mandatory movies played every Saturday.
I know what went wrong. I did not plan my days even though it’s spring break; I am stressed because I don’t know if I can finish another school year after finals; I listened to podcasts about the harry potter books, which gave me cravings for those movies(didn’t even watch them during my relapse); I stopped contacting my sponsor and I stopped going to meetings.
I need to prove to myself that I am capable of abstaining from TV even during spring break. I ordered a new smartphone so that I can put limits on my phone and then lock the new smartphone away in my focusbox so that I can’t break those limits; I cancelled all my subscriptions to streaming services and I deleted all streaming services from my phone; I will also make a planning or a to-do list daily.
I’ve also contacted school about therapy. I hope I’ll be able to find therapy that is covered by my insurance.
Although the present sucks, the future is bright.
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I wish I had the right words to say. Mostly I care, I believe in you and I hope you are gentle with yourself. You are an incredible person who has done and is doing a lot. Please remember to be proud of yourself for all that you have done, as you continue to refine the areas you want to further develop. 
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I’ve seen these somewhere on the net. They look very productive. I hope its working for you. I’m assuming it has a lock timer on it??
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