536 days game free/13 days TV free/6 days of brushing teeth
I watched the news yesterday because a friend of my sister was on the news for standing on a bridge that a ship ran into. It was with a social motivation, not addictive, but I’m still not sure if I’m going to reset. And there’s also the problem of Eurovision coming up. Something I watch with my family as a tradition, not out of addiction. Is that a relapse if I watch it? Or are both just slippery slopes? Right now I’m not upset with myself that I watched the news. This means I honestly don’t think it’s a relapse and that I didn’t watch it out of addiction last night. Stupid grey areas…
Anyway, I’m doing a lot better today. I haven’t accepted that I can’t change the past, I have accepted that most alternative worlds would have had a fucked Jan.
I don’t think watching the news in this case should be a reset. Your intention was to see someone you knew. I say go ahead and watch Eurovision with your family. This is a tradition and I think it’s more about the quality time you’re spending together. Family time shouldn’t be considered a reset in my opinion. That’s my take on it but you know your addiction better than I do and I don’t want to send you down the wrong road.
538 days game free/0 days TV free/9 days of brushing teeth
I downloaded TikTok yesterday to see what the hype around my supermarket’s TikTok was about. It escalated to an all-nighter watching 9-1-1 on disney+. I went to bed at 9:30 AM and got out at 16:30/4:30 PM. Not my proudest moment. I felt disgusting, sweating profusely under my blankets all night long to mask the light coming from my laptop. Watched a complete season of 9-1-1, Big Hero 6 and Ralph breaks the internet, part of that movie is sort of based on GTA like games, didn’t cause any gaming cravings though. Wanted to die this morning. I didn’t really care anymore. Then I went to bed. This evening I worked, it was a pain in the ass. There was too much cargo for a too inexperienced crew. I had to stock the beer isle. A man walked up to me, and he asked me to help him find the beer with the highest alcohol percentage. Then he made some jokes about that the taste didn’t matter and only the percentage did. I wa forced to enable an addict and nearly broke down crying. I’m going to ask my boss if there’s a way I’ll never have to stock that hellish isle again. It hurts me seeing and potentially enabling alcoholics…
Tomorrow I’m starting my water diet. Hope I’ll feel better then.
Damn Jan, don’t be to harsh on yourself and I hope you pick up we’re you left. About the enabling part I learned an interesting insight during my therapy. While walking with his sponsor through the city my therapist came across a homeless guy begging for some money. My therapist was stunned by the fact that his sponsor pulled out his wallet and gave money. Why the fuck are you doing that he asked him, now he can buy his DOC. Well said the sponsor, you can’t control a person. Furthermore if he buys his DOC, he might be sooner at his rock bottom. And the sooner he is there the sooner he might become responsible for his own life. I geuss there is a lot of truth in this since a lot of us (me included) will recognize that first there is hitting rock bottom before taking responsibility and accountability about our own life…
539 days without gaming.
0 days without TV.
Toothbrushing streak: 9 days.
Trying another format for my first posts of the day.
I like this more and it doesn’t seem like a title and there’s a lot more space to name achievements. Because that’s what they are, I just realized. Tonight will be my tenth night in a row where I brush my teeth. That’s straight up fantastic. It must have been years since I brushed my teeth that many days in a row. I’m proud of myself for that… I think. Well, it’s rational thinking that tells me I’m proud, so I’m not sure if I feel proud. Luv u autism . Anyways, if I think of my days being achievements and write them down, I will remind myself daily how good I’m doing.
However, I did relapse last night. I didn’t go completely nuts, but still. This morning I deleted TikTok, Disney plus and Netflix from my phone and I’m going to change settings on my other phone to prohibit me from installing apps on this phone. Should have done that in the first place…
Today is a big day, I will have my first final, which will be my English final. I’m not the least bit anxious for the final, because gaming and TV addiction is the best English teacher .
540 days without gaming.
0 days without TV.
Toothbrushing streak: 10 days.
Water diet: 0 days
My final went really good yesterday. I’m confident that the multiple-choice questions went perfect, although there were a few questions where I had to point out what sentences in the text were meant ironically. That is very hard with autism…
Relapsed again last night. The voice telling me that watching TV is fun is really fucking strong. Stronger than my strength to stop. It once again wasn’t a massive relapse, but still a relapse. Doesn’t matter if I had some control over it. I kind of want to hit rock bottom, haven’t come anywhere near it yet. And the stress from finals isn’t helping.
I have my Dutch final today. It’s probably going to be hard, but I’ll likely get a sufficient grade. It’s analyzing texts, which everyone hates. Ever since the subject where you analyze texts was introduced to elementary schools here, children read a lot less. Hate it.
I’m starting my water diet today, I hope it will increase my dental health and help undo some of the damage I’ve caused over the years. And I hope it’ll make me feel better.
540 days without gaming.
0 days without TV.
Toothbrushing streak: 11 days.
Water diet: 1 day.
I bought a bottle of water… A fucking bottle of water. I feel both old and healthy at the same time. I’m also glad that my addiction doesn’t have a lingering effect, as in becoming drunk, stoned or high, because this way I can still post on the forum and update my diary. Less than 5 hours ago I was watching TV. My resistance to my addiction is weakening, likely due to the finals and because of the fact I’m not putting in any of the work. I work my ass off fighting consequences, avoiding actually fighting the problem. I’m getting sick of myself. I’m scared of my future. I long for that big spark of motivation that will help me achieve perfection, or for that moment where I accept perfection isn’t needed. Also a weird thing, whenever I want to start a new sentence, my head tells me to write: “I want to kill myself”, even though that this is not the case. Yes, life sucks right now, but I’ve survived much worse and I am happy with certain aspects. I’ve gotten a very strong bond with my family. My self-care, although still kinda shit, is better than ever. School is going great… except for the physics final, I will completely screw up today . Good thing I can retake it. My Dutch final went good yesterday
Nearing 1 day sober.
Leaving TS was a stupid idea. It is not an addiction, I simply didn’t want to blame the eurovision song contest for my relapses, so that I could watch it. I’ve decided to stop giving myself false credit for my days without gaming. Though it is a fantastic achievement, I used those days to not care as much about racking up days for cross-addiction. They gave me a false sense of achievement, which allowed me to easen up on myself too much.
Hey there. I haven’t chatted with you much, but I think you ought to rethink your decision and focus on recovery through other sources. There have got to be online zooms for recovering gaming addicts. This is a place that distracts you but gets you fired up also. Not sure how much it helps. I try not to give advice but I think it’s worth considering this time around.
And I’ve come to realize that TV is TV. Watching the news because a friend of your sister is in it? Walk out of the room, don’t watch because it’s “socializing”. There is no good excuse to watch TV.
Here is a list of some bullshit excuses of why I should watch TV.
Cinema is okay because that’s different. Translates to: I will drink wine instead of beer.
If it’s only for bonding, then it’s fine. Translates to: I will only drink to bond with people.(maybe find other friends…)
I will give up everything but marvel. Translates to: I will stop drinking everything else, except my favourite drink because it’s too hard to live without.
It’s socializing. Translates to: I will only drink in social settings.
I can watch Eurovision because that’s a must-see national event. Translates to: I can drink this specific kind of beer because everyone talks about it.
There is not a single valid excuse to watch TV. Not one. That’s just my addict head working around the fact that it’s very hard to live without TV and that there’s a big lack of knowledge and awareness around TV addiction. Many technology addicts I know speak of grey areas, which is bullshit. That bullshit spreads like a pandemic and I’ve contributed to that.
Anyway, I found a way to disable notifications for likes. Doing so should help tremendously with my FOMO(Fear Of Missing Out), but also my need for attention by being a dick to people.
I agree. I’ve been meaning to call my doctor for an appointment with a therapist focusing on self-image, which is where most of my problems stem from. I’ve also looked into multiple online groups focused on gaming, but I couldn’t find any. I go to CGAA meetings from time to time, but the worldwide meetings usually have only 5-8 people in them. And the fuller ones are after midnight, so that doesn’t work for me. I also know there’s someting called ITAA, but I’ve never followed one of their meetings. I probably should though.
Absolutely, I use the meme wars as an unhealthy distraction and I love jumping right into drama so that I can get rid of my pent up anger, which in reality does not work at all. I’ve decided that from now on I’ll just mute a topic if I dislike it or when I read it for the wrong reasons. I’ve already muted the current meme wars thread.
A lot, it helps me put things in perspective and it has reminded me to call my doctor tomorrow and to check out the ITAA meetings
True. I’ve often not cared about what people said, because Jan, the chronic relapser, knew best. . I do feel I’m starting to take things more seriously again. Yes, I have a lot of self-awareness and despite my personal recovery, I have good advice. But that doesn’t mean I’m doing a good job at my own recovery. I am fucking up big time when it comes to self-care.
Very true. That’s why I will mute topics that annoy me from now on and I’ll stay away from discussions because the anger they give me can affect my wellbeing.
You better watch out because I won’t refrain from flagging when I see a rule breaking post
in all honesty, I don’t have a fucking clue. I pretend to know I have all the answers, but I don’t. I know that TS has downsides and upsides. I have abused TS and have been near addiction. If I didn’t get 20 notifications overnight, it’d upset me. But that has changed, though I’ve still often only posted for validation. Lots of advice that I’ve given, though useful, was for the likes and validation of certain members. Now I plan to just keep to my own threads or post with the intent to help. Hence why I’ve turned off like-notifications. And even though I still kinda want to know how many likes I’ve received, I don’t take the time to actually figure it out. I feel a lot more peaceful and I feel my fear of missing out, although still present, is a lot weaker.
As for the upsides, TS has helped me get a lot of insight and it has kept me from multiple gaming relapses. I wouldn’t have been able to say that I have over 540 days without gaming without TS. It has probably saved my life. It has helped me get different views on a wide variety of subjects and it has taught me a lot about compassion and just being there for people. And it has significantly helped my English.
For now, I think the pros outweigh the cons, but I know that that can change at any given moment.
Rosa, thank you so much for spending time to help me, I truly appreciate that.
Thanks, Laura .
Time slots could be a good idea, but I think it would hurt me more than help. TS is a tool I use throughout the day. I share when I feel like it and I can’t control when I feel that way. Keeping myself from sharing something would make me feel lonely, I think, still not really sure how it feels. But once again, I only think of the cons and not the pros, so I’ll think some more about it
I admire your openness about your struggles. Addiction to gaming/media seems incredibly challenging. For the record, I think you have just as much right to be on TS as someone with drug or alcohol addiction. I saw someone comment on one of your posts the other day about how addiction to technology is similar to an eating disorder—one has to eat and in our contemporary world, it’s incredibly difficult to avoid technology, especially if you’re young.
I don’t know you well enough to be able to have an opinion about whether or not TS might be harmful for you, but it sounds like you’re figuring out strategies to make it manageable for you (hiding likes, muting triggering threads). To me, this seems like a way to use technology in a helpful, rather than harmful way.
The reason why I’m here is because my doc is alcohol, but I’ve recently tried to more carefully consider my use of social media. I have reset that timer dozens of times, while I feel like I am better managing to absolutely stay away from alcohol. So, I feel you. When I think about it, technology has—in many ways—harmed me just as much as alcohol.
I just started reading the recovery dharma book someone recommended on here and there’s a lot in it about lifestyle additions (technology, eating disorders, codependency, etc.) that I’m finding helpful. Might be worth a look. The pdf is free on their website.
Thanks again for your openness and willingness to share your journey. You are young and are overcoming so many challenges, but I also see you learning a lot about yourself and your family dynamics, which is huge.
. Anyways, if I think of my days being achievements and write them down, I will remind myself daily how good I’m doing.
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. Good thing I can retake it. My Dutch final went good yesterday
. I do feel I’m starting to take things more seriously again. Yes, I have a lot of self-awareness and despite my personal recovery, I have good advice. But that doesn’t mean I’m doing a good job at my own recovery. I am fucking up big time when it comes to self-care.
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