I want to share why I’m here, see if anyone has some perspective, and get any advice. I guess I’d describe myself as someone who thinks his relationship with alcohol (ugh, what a term “relationship wiht alcohol”) has become unhealthy and unwise, and is making some changes.
“I’m not an alcoholic.” Of course everyone says that, but hey I don’t have shakes, or drink daily. Except for drinking some most days! What I’ll say for sure is that I’m self aware to know I am not on a course I should be on. Over the last…say 9 months gradually… I’ve gotten into some habits that I don’t like, and are affecting my feeling of well being. Especially this past summer. I’ve put on maybe 7 pounds, since after the pandemic. Pandemic time, I did fine! I’ve gotten to like to sip bourbon, neat…or on ice. I like it starting right around 3 or 4 pm. Several of them. Just re-icing and topping up, right up to dinner time While I help with kids homework, work on projects, or go to the pool. Or walk or fetch the dog. It would just kind of ease all the edges, as we woodworkers would say. Like a router for the corners of my mind. And lately I’ve found that I’ve been having more than I should. And my family has/had no idea. How? Cause I never get to the point of falling down, slurring, or taking a nap. But its just this little “hummmm” and I titrate it in at about 1 per hour for a few hours in a row. And I get everything I need to get done, done. So its my business right? Who cares? Its not a problem unless it’s a problem…… But a man knows himself, and a man who lies to himself is a plain fool.
So my sleep got to be not so good, even though I’d go to bed supposedly “sober.” Except theres still biproducts and stuff in there still. And I sensed something was off. I have a great marriage, no stress, no money problems, love my kids and dote on them. Nothing about me hits a trigger for a man who is driven to drink. I just liked the mellow hum…
I’ve played at skipping days each week. On and off. And I slept better! Then, I notice this little window of 3-6pm that, if I can get through, this little subacute craving I’ve developed passes.
I went to a evening pool party late August, didn’t touch a drop, enjoyed coke zero and seltzer. By 9pm my friend was trashed, and I’m like “I’m feeling good, not tired, I LIKE this. No, I freaking LOVE this. ” I didn’t miss it at all. I wasn’t craving it. I don’t even like it socially really. One of my favorite songs is “I drink alone” by George Thorogood. Cause I do! I like to sit peacefully and think and drink. I do have this “self limiting” feedback loop, when I’d have like 2 servings, that would kind of like…push back on me to just not want more. But lately that boundary has moved, and that’s what I don’t like.
Something changed late August, I’m not sure what. I got to be a lot more inquisitive about just cutting out the booze entirely, for a while. Just stopping, just to see, let my body take a break, see what I notice happens. Then my father in law died last week. Day before he died, I took my last sip. Even the night he died, nothing. So I don’t need it for coping. I don’t even live a stressful life. Been a week, today. I don’t plan to become a teetotaler…that’s what I’m telling myself. I think I can re integrate some in the context of my nutrition tracker with calories, since I’m working on those 7 pounds or so. But maybe not.
Right now I’m sleeping better, and loving it. I’ve even got a ¾ handle of bourbon sitting in the cabinet…. No desire to go have any. Its like….I’ll have some when I’m ready, and I simply like stacking up dry days right now. I’m not counting down to anything; I’m just really liking this change. Especially at like 3AM, I wake up for my usual pee break (TMI sorry) and have this deep sense of satisfaction that my liver is getting treated right. But I don’t want to be an all or nothing guy; I’d like to enjoy my bourbon once a week. Maybe Thanksgiving I’ll give it a try. Maybe to red wine. Or maybe not. At some point I guess I do have to find out. My late father in law was a cold turkey guy. Got in a bit far at age 40+, but pulled up at the last minute, went dry, never looked back. He couldn’t. His mom was an alcoholic and there’s some gene there, my wife swears.
So I’m sitting here thinking about alcohol…not about drinking it or craving it, no, but about how much BETTER I feel without any this past week.
Anyway that’s where I am, anyone have similar experience? Lotta respect for people who make the decision for health and life. This past week, I’ve been telling myself “one afternoon at a time” and its been great.