I’ve seen that Dick Van Dyke interview (or one of them) and it was really eye opening - there are lots of other celebrity interviews that are, too. But the fact that he got sober in that era when that’s what people “did,” the drinking after work thing. My dad’s family was of that ilk and were pretty toxic so he kept us away from that for the most part after he drastically cut back on his own drinking (my mom gave him an ultimatum as well) though he had chronic pain issues over the years that led him to drink more at times. I do believe the possibility of a genetic component because I was not raised in a drinking household at all, but then found my way to incorporating the drinking after work into my life in my young adulthood. Unlike how you described I started as a social drinker with happy hours and that let to drinking at home. So there were certainly some other contributing factors in my case, including numbing social anxiety the anxiety in general. There’s way more to my story though, but anyway enough about me!
This here is golden! It sounds like you’ve identified some pretty big red flags and your wife has noticed some too, it’s good you aren’t in denial about it and are getting real with yourself about things. Excellent. And I’m glad you found this site, too. The catharsis is real and is part of what helped me so much. The connection to others is huge, as well, but I got so much out of just writing out my thoughts somewhere that was putting it out to a community or the universe or whatever instead of just journaling on paper has helped me tremendously. I’ve got a thread on here if you’re at all interested in checking it out and might give you an example of hour you might expand this thread into a personal journal style. If you want. We also have a daily check in thread that a lot of people find helpful to keep themselves accountable or to ask for support. I’ll link them both below. Keep coming back and keep sharing! Oh! And I like the nonalcoholic hoppy beverages quite a bit. There’s one called HOPWTR I think it’s called and I’ve enjoyed a couple NA IPAs also. My favorite is Lagunitas Hoppy Refresher. But some people find that NA “beers” can be a trigger for them to go back to drinking alcohol. I didn’t find that to be the case. Like you said everyone is different.
Lastly, my husband is an engineer and I’m the foot shorter boss in the house 
though my boss level really became more legit when I got sober!
Here’s the links. Plenty of other great threads, too.