A week today, new visitor here, making changes for my well being

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I want to share why I’m here, see if anyone has some perspective, and get any advice. I guess I’d describe myself as someone who thinks his relationship with alcohol (ugh, what a term “relationship wiht alcohol”) has become unhealthy and unwise, and is making some changes.
“I’m not an alcoholic.” Of course everyone says that, but hey I don’t have shakes, or drink daily. Except for drinking some most days! What I’ll say for sure is that I’m self aware to know I am not on a course I should be on. Over the last…say 9 months gradually… I’ve gotten into some habits that I don’t like, and are affecting my feeling of well being. Especially this past summer. I’ve put on maybe 7 pounds, since after the pandemic. Pandemic time, I did fine! I’ve gotten to like to sip bourbon, neat…or on ice. I like it starting right around 3 or 4 pm. Several of them. Just re-icing and topping up, right up to dinner time While I help with kids homework, work on projects, or go to the pool. Or walk or fetch the dog. It would just kind of ease all the edges, as we woodworkers would say. Like a router for the corners of my mind. And lately I’ve found that I’ve been having more than I should. And my family has/had no idea. How? Cause I never get to the point of falling down, slurring, or taking a nap. But its just this little “hummmm” and I titrate it in at about 1 per hour for a few hours in a row. And I get everything I need to get done, done. So its my business right? Who cares? Its not a problem unless it’s a problem…… But a man knows himself, and a man who lies to himself is a plain fool.
So my sleep got to be not so good, even though I’d go to bed supposedly “sober.” Except theres still biproducts and stuff in there still. And I sensed something was off. I have a great marriage, no stress, no money problems, love my kids and dote on them. Nothing about me hits a trigger for a man who is driven to drink. I just liked the mellow hum…
I’ve played at skipping days each week. On and off. And I slept better! Then, I notice this little window of 3-6pm that, if I can get through, this little subacute craving I’ve developed passes.
I went to a evening pool party late August, didn’t touch a drop, enjoyed coke zero and seltzer. By 9pm my friend was trashed, and I’m like “I’m feeling good, not tired, I LIKE this. No, I freaking LOVE this. ” I didn’t miss it at all. I wasn’t craving it. I don’t even like it socially really. One of my favorite songs is “I drink alone” by George Thorogood. Cause I do! I like to sit peacefully and think and drink. I do have this “self limiting” feedback loop, when I’d have like 2 servings, that would kind of like…push back on me to just not want more. But lately that boundary has moved, and that’s what I don’t like.
Something changed late August, I’m not sure what. I got to be a lot more inquisitive about just cutting out the booze entirely, for a while. Just stopping, just to see, let my body take a break, see what I notice happens. Then my father in law died last week. Day before he died, I took my last sip. Even the night he died, nothing. So I don’t need it for coping. I don’t even live a stressful life. Been a week, today. I don’t plan to become a teetotaler…that’s what I’m telling myself. I think I can re integrate some in the context of my nutrition tracker with calories, since I’m working on those 7 pounds or so. But maybe not.
Right now I’m sleeping better, and loving it. I’ve even got a ¾ handle of bourbon sitting in the cabinet…. No desire to go have any. Its like….I’ll have some when I’m ready, and I simply like stacking up dry days right now. I’m not counting down to anything; I’m just really liking this change. Especially at like 3AM, I wake up for my usual pee break (TMI sorry) and have this deep sense of satisfaction that my liver is getting treated right. But I don’t want to be an all or nothing guy; I’d like to enjoy my bourbon once a week. Maybe Thanksgiving I’ll give it a try. Maybe to red wine. Or maybe not. At some point I guess I do have to find out. My late father in law was a cold turkey guy. Got in a bit far at age 40+, but pulled up at the last minute, went dry, never looked back. He couldn’t. His mom was an alcoholic and there’s some gene there, my wife swears.
So I’m sitting here thinking about alcohol…not about drinking it or craving it, no, but about how much BETTER I feel without any this past week.

Anyway that’s where I am, anyone have similar experience? Lotta respect for people who make the decision for health and life. This past week, I’ve been telling myself “one afternoon at a time” and its been great.

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Hi, welcome, Andrew. I admire your self awareness and willingness to share your thoughts and being open to others opinions. If you can quit drinking without a struggle, that’s great! I found that wasn’t the case for me. So I have to work on it. Lots of people I know can take it or leave it though. Alcohol is such a big part of society, but it does do a lot of damage too. So I think in the end, you’re better off without it. And it’s far easier to quit before you become addicted.

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I also commend your self searching. Tomorrow is 2 months sober for me.
And like you I never thought I had a problem. Until problems arose in the world around me and were unfortunately my being not sober. This is a great community read on and reach out. you have a nice day and stay sober

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First of all, welcome!
I read a lot of my previous life with alcohol (before my relationship with it really became dysfunctional) in what you’ve written. What I gather is that you have identified the slippery slope that can occur with alcohol consumption, and you’ve caught it before the rocks got too wet and slimy and there were no more crevices to grab on to. This is THE perfect time to make a change in your life, particularly as you notice how it affects you more than you may have realized while you were enjoying those couple few drinks a day. When you’re feeling your best and living your healthiest life it reverberates in those around you, too, namely your family. But ultimately if you really feel that much better without it, then what is there left to question? But that’s just my viewpoint.

It’s a breath of fresh air to read your post, to be honest, because often the stories we read hear are more desperate. I certainly had a point of desperation before I was willing to become honest with myself after many breaks, negotiations about amounts and types of alcohol, only weekends, etc. So kudos to you for taking a hard look at this now. I wish you the best in your own journey and can only say for myself that life is really better after having broken up with alcohol.

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Thank you for the really kind words. I did catch an interview Dick van Dyke gave in 1974… he sounded like a similar situation to me, maybe heavier drinker, but it was “only after work”. My father in law apparently had the same thing. “Only after work” became heavily every day only after work and then laying on the couch all night. Apparently my mother in law made a requirement that he “cut back a lot” if they were gonna buy the house they bought. He quit totally.
I bought my own house when I was 23 before I even met my wife. We’ve added onto it and live here happily. She doesn’t give me financial ultimata. But she’s still the boss! She’s a foot shorter than me but if I do something to let her down it would hurt me a lot. This isn’t her doing at all though…she didn’t even notice an issue. When the kids, all over 10 now, are running about yelling I like to joke “and they ask us why we drink?!” But I know why. Cause I like it. (LikeD?). It’s a choice I make. Once last spring visiting friends for an outdoor fire, I had 2 of these 18% beers. Terrible. But also some bourbon before we left home. She asked me “how much have you had? “ and I felt just laid bare, convicted. And it wasn’t so good the next morning. Also a neighbor drove me back from our monthly poker game….I swore that would never happen again and it hasn’t. I would cut over to coffee at 9. Then I got so I’d just drink coffee there only. But, that’s only after a few bourbons in the afternoon. 3-4 perhaps. Would come home sober and clear. BUT I’m an engineer and an amateur student of anatomy and…even IF I’m “just” (forgive the term just) a “heavy drinker” and not an “alcoholic” that STILL will do damage. And I don’t want damage. And saying “I can just stop anytime” is BSing myself if I just go a day, 2 days….then just slug away more bourbon the next day as soon as the whistle blows. I’m glad to have found this site. Writing this is cathartic.

I was into brewing 2 years ago, and the thing is I like the taste of hops, I do see some non alcoholic IPAs available. A lot less calories too, since the ethanol is the main calorie driver.

And I think the daily 3-4pm little craving thing is diminishing. That I REALLY like.

I know everyone’s situation and journey is different, and anyone on it I admire big time.

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I’ve seen that Dick Van Dyke interview (or one of them) and it was really eye opening - there are lots of other celebrity interviews that are, too. But the fact that he got sober in that era when that’s what people “did,” the drinking after work thing. My dad’s family was of that ilk and were pretty toxic so he kept us away from that for the most part after he drastically cut back on his own drinking (my mom gave him an ultimatum as well) though he had chronic pain issues over the years that led him to drink more at times. I do believe the possibility of a genetic component because I was not raised in a drinking household at all, but then found my way to incorporating the drinking after work into my life in my young adulthood. Unlike how you described I started as a social drinker with happy hours and that let to drinking at home. So there were certainly some other contributing factors in my case, including numbing social anxiety the anxiety in general. There’s way more to my story though, but anyway enough about me!

This here is golden! It sounds like you’ve identified some pretty big red flags and your wife has noticed some too, it’s good you aren’t in denial about it and are getting real with yourself about things. Excellent. And I’m glad you found this site, too. The catharsis is real and is part of what helped me so much. The connection to others is huge, as well, but I got so much out of just writing out my thoughts somewhere that was putting it out to a community or the universe or whatever instead of just journaling on paper has helped me tremendously. I’ve got a thread on here if you’re at all interested in checking it out and might give you an example of hour you might expand this thread into a personal journal style. If you want. We also have a daily check in thread that a lot of people find helpful to keep themselves accountable or to ask for support. I’ll link them both below. Keep coming back and keep sharing! Oh! And I like the nonalcoholic hoppy beverages quite a bit. There’s one called HOPWTR I think it’s called and I’ve enjoyed a couple NA IPAs also. My favorite is Lagunitas Hoppy Refresher. But some people find that NA “beers” can be a trigger for them to go back to drinking alcohol. I didn’t find that to be the case. Like you said everyone is different.

Lastly, my husband is an engineer and I’m the foot shorter boss in the house :wink: though my boss level really became more legit when I got sober!

Here’s the links. Plenty of other great threads, too.

Checking in daily

Sober Rosa Feels All The Feels

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Hey Andrew
Welcome to the community. Addiction is a progressive disease. You may not have a problem at all and could be able to moderate but like all of us here we are not so lucky. Just that “one” drink and its downhill. I had tried to moderate many a times in the past and i may have done a few weeks and even skipped some parties where alcohol was flowing but then it was back to heavy daily drinking in no time. I am not sure if I consider myself an alcoholic per se as I too never missed a day of work or any other appointment / event and did not get slurry or dis oriented but I do know that my mind and body are so much better without the poison.

Only you know your body and mind. Glad you are giving it up for now and experiencing some great benefits. The benefits of sobriety are immense-- mainly your organs are getting a chance to repair themselves.
Your life does not have to be falling apart for you to want / need to drink. Like you said - it could just be a calming action taken at the end of the day.

This is an amazing community to be a part of - loads of support and advice – Take some time to read the threads. I wish you luck on your journey and hope to see you around.

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@tailee17 well done on 2 months!!

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You dont have to label yourself an “alcoholic”. The majority of us are here because we are unhappy with our relationship to a substance.

You wrote quite a bit about why you aren’t an alcoholic and many different ways you might decide to reintroduce alcohol into your life.

One of the greatest things that happen to me when I eliminated alcohol from my life is that I stopped thinking about if I was an alcoholic, and in what ways I could drink responsibly. It took up so much of my time and thoughts.

I was free to think about so many other things than alcohol and really dig in to the things that matter to me. It helped me create better relationships with my wife and kids.

I can only speak or myself but I can tell you that abstaining from alcohol, for me has provided many benefits, and some of those benefits I could of never imagined while I was still drinking.

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You wrote quite a bit about why you aren’t an alcoholic and many different ways you might decide to reintroduce alcohol into your life.

One of the greatest things that happen to me when I eliminated alcohol from my life is that I stopped thinking about if I was an alcoholic, and in what ways I could drink responsibly. It took up so much of my time and thoughts.

I see your point here totally. If it takes some level of metal effort to manage that question, then its a waste of brainpower and energy and, frankly, time living. That’s why I’m just living day by day, and I’ve told my wife…“Now, I dont necessarily plan to become a teetotaler, but dont be shocked if I do!” There’s zero question to me I"m doing what I need to… zero alcohol for now. And I dont have a “time limit” on it like “Im going to stop for a week, a month, etc.” I want to stop long enough to stop caring about it, thinking or worrying about it. THEN maybe, maybe. I think I could have some red wine, say, with dinner some time. But I got up today, after showering, felt so…good. I’ve got a week under my belt (8 days, but who’s counting :wink:). And yesterday afternoon, I did sense this “easing” of that “nudge nudge…hey…its 4pm dude…time for you and Evan Williams to rekindle your budding friendship!” Nope, I set sail with Mr. Spindrift now, on the seas of grapefruit and or lemon. :wink:
The thing is, MOST of the hours of my days, I wasnt drinking anything. But having several bourbons every afternoon starting at 3 or 4…and it was basically daily. And weekends, starting at 2 or 3. Sure, I stopped at 6 or 7. Sure I didnt get slurred and blurry. But I just had this little voice inside saying “this aint right” “you need to knock this s#it off, dude” “how far is this going to go?” “If not now, then when?” It was like I staged a little intervention with myself and gave myself some tough love.
I’ll tell you what’s the hardest, to me, telling close people you are making a change and you feel like you have “a problem” when even they dont see it. But you know it inside.
Once a month I play cards with about 8-16 neighborhood area gents, texas holdem. But not everyone drinks, and, what I’ve found anyway, since it starts at 7pm…I love having soda and coffee, and by 9 I feel so much more clearer and just really enjoy it. Its like a fog has cleared.

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So after 3 weeks plus a few days, I elected to see if I was going to be able to be a moderate drinker, or if I had they type of issue that returns me to trouble.
This past weekend, Friday in fact, I had a serving of bourbon. 1.5 ounces, measured out. Dutifully put in my food log (I’ve lost 2-3 pounds so far). And… the world didn’t end. I didnt feel compelled to have a second and third and finish the bottle off or anything. Saturday night, neighborhood fire pit party. I had one serving of bourbon at 5, and then thats it. Cause I know anything after 6 is bad for sleepy time at 9-10pm. Didnt feel any urge to drink at the bonfire, loved my Spindrift soda and my coffee. In fact I love how at 9pm I was clear headed and felt great. My sleeping has been great too.
I dont think I have “an issue,” and intend to keep it that way. Taking 3 weeks off was good to do. And I can easily have one and no more.
I know it isnt like that for everyone, and I’ve read plenty of the stories here and am grateful to have found this website.

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