So my mother is here because my little brother had another heart attack. But she’s going to be moving back to town within the next year. So I’m kind of beating myself up this morning having let her “in” and putting my guard down. It started at hello when I went to pick her up at the train station and she was complaining to a stranger that I was LATE. Even though I was standing in front of her and she hadn’t recognized me (I’ve lost a lot of weight). So it has just spiraled from there. This morning I wake up with severe anxiety and this depressed feeling, only realizing that I’m dealing with trauma response, yet again. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this with her living in town. Hard boundaries are going to be necessary but I’ll have to talk to a professional I think. With a family culture of “don’t talk to your mother like that” I’ll need plenty of tools in my tool box. I am glad she was living out of town when I was getting sober. Picking up in this state is no bueno. So for now, deep breaths, get some coffee, and move along with my day. Thanks for listening 
Oh my heart completely goes out to you. 
My mom is constantly trying to move to the state me and one of my brothers reside and I’m forever dreading the day it might happen.
I’m sorry to hear about your brother. hugs
It sounds like you’re already preparing for the steps you need to take to protect yourself from the inevitable emotional manipulation, exploitation, gaslighting etc.
I think seeing a professional during this transition is an amazing idea!
Please don’t hesitate to share your journey here with us.
Even just to check in and let us know you’re okay. 
Thank you so much. I felt better just writing all this down. And I know that part of dealing with this is a validation of feelings too. So I thank you for that as well!
My brother is doing much better now. It was some self negligence that prompted this one but I’m hoping he takes better care now. Pain is not fun, especially self enduced.
I’ll try to share my journey as this move eventually unfolds. It’s funny though, because we’ve been raised to feel guilty about having feelings. I’m so used to putting them aside that when they bust out, it’s overwhelming. And only THEN do I say, oh crap I’m upset. Many say I have patience. I don’t think it’s as much patience as it is disregard. But, I’m still learning, as we all are.
Big hugs
Firstly, so sorry about your brother 
Gahhhhhh, your situation just sounds infuriating and triggering. I was there with you, just by reading it…I think your idea of getting some help alongside this is really good. If you specifically look towards hard stop boundaries, self love and self validation then the critical eye isn’t as damaging. Easy to say and hard to do.
I was massively always looking for validation and praise and compliments throughout my life and it’s been a chore.
Good luck my friend, we are always here for you. 
Daughter of a narcissistic mother and non- existent father who turned to drink.
There were three of us daughters. I’m the middle. I sorted my younger sister, guess I was a role model for her but didn’t realise it at the time. My older sister was supported by my father, for some reason he paid her attention, but younger sister and I got it from him, he seemed to think we were “mummies girls” so he was hard on us.
Mother was never diagnosed it’s just a suspicion. She definitely had something seriously wrong. She would only favour one child at a time, so would love bomb one child and make the others feel like crap.
She would consistently call me ugly, she would slap and hit. When I was a young teen she started calling me a slapper so I started wearing really really baggy clothes, then she started calling me pregnant. (I didn’t even have a boyfriend). You had to be quiet all the time, we were all told that we should have been abortions. And the list goes on.
My main childhood memories are of her emptying all the drawers and cupboards onto the bedroom floor, then turning out the light so I had to try to tidy it up in the dark. To this day I see tidying as an awful task rather than a self-care thing. I still feel tremendously ugly.
I have been single for most of my adult life and am kind of resigned to being single forever. I’m 43 and It’s lonely, but I guess it’s connected to this cycle of emotional turmoil as a child.
Edit: also I’ve never wanted kids. I have seen them as a huge burden and cannot understand why anyone would want them… It’s really not hard to see the connection there, I was called a burden for my whole “upbringing”
Thank you so much! This is the first time I’ve ever had a group type of support for this and I have to say that it feels pretty good. I have friends that are pretty awesome but sometimes not as readily accessible like getting on here. You are so right about easy to say and hard to do. Time will tell.
@Badger big hugs. It’s rough to wrap our head around the reality of our childhood and then realize that we are victims of our circumstance. It has taken 40 plus years to learn self love and enjoy internal peace. Is there any wonder why we have all met here on an addiction forum? I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that. If anyone understands, it would be those of us that can identify first hand. Big hugs
Sending so much love @Badger your story resonates. I can assure you that you are greater and more accomplished than you think. I’m sorry she was like that to you, women shaming and body shaming and gender blame are just bastards that some mothers clearly seem to excel at with their daughters.
Sending a hug
Thanks that means so much!
Sage words of wisdom requested 
I have tried several times to express to my mother that I need space as I focus on my sobriety and that I’ll reach out to her when I’m ready. She doesn’t seem to care.
I just found out she’s coming to visit my brother and his kids in a couple of weeks and I’m already dreading her attempts to exert control or push her way over to my place.
I have no intention on seeing her.
Is there a productive and healthy way to set a firm boundary with somebody who can’t comprehend that they are a problem?
Or is blocking the only option?
My relationship with my mum was rocky for over 30 years. From about the age of 11 we fell out, fought boundaries and didn’t speak on/off. When I was young I had no agency in the decisions and we always ended up speaking again and the same patterns ensued. I didn’t have the words or knowledge to name what I felt, I just knew I was the black sheep and the outcast and the cause of any household disharmony.
For me, as an adult, our falling out got far more viscous and violent and dangerous. Again, I repeated the relaxation of boundaries allowing her to draw me in with the honeymoon and love bombing months where she could be charming and generous and pretend to be someone she wasn’t. It never ended well, it was like all roads led to Rome and our brokenness was Rome. Blocking was my only option. Even then almost a year after estrangement and not hearing a thing from her of any worth or meaning I got this:
If I had replied to that pointless message I would have been done for. The emotional manipulation about using my deceased (most beloved) grandmother here in the context is horrible. This was my last ever contact before complete blocking. It also meant that yet again I was disinherited. Eventually she gave my brother my grans house too. 
I lay this out as I don’t know your particular dynamic or your comfort levels with text/messaging or the ins and outs. I wouldn’t want to tell you that blocking was the only option. But, if it’s the only way, then it’s the only way. Your sanity, safety and integrity are too precious. So sorry you are going thru this shit.
Hugs Sienna
I really appreciate this response.
It was ever so validating and made me cry. But a much needed cry.
I’m sorry you understand it on such a personal and intricate level.
Earlier I watched a video of a woman talking about how truly boring and predictable abusers are.
It’s not like we ever meant anything to them, we were just unlucky enough to be in their path. 
hugs back 
So so true. Ask anyone who fell in love with an abuser or emotional avoidant/manipulator whether they would knowingly do it again and I’m sure the answer is no. But with family, it just sucks.
Here if you ever need help or an ear
I am sorry you need to deal with this again, @SoberSassy 
It’s safe to say that I have a lot of thoughts on the matter but they are not (yet) coherent, so for now:
Could you, at the very least, set your home as a boundary? A home is meant to be a safe space, where we can retreat from the potential dangers of being exposed to abuse and I have learned to defend it tooth and nail.
If you decide to meet your mum, please do so in a public space where you can simply get up and walk out when your boundaries are being trampled upon. The last thing you want is to be trapped at home, unable to escape.
I may write a bit more as and when I have been able to collect my thoughts a bit more.
The fact that you guys have lived and understand the nightmare of it helps me feel less isolated or even crazy. Especially when there are people who don’t see them for who they are.
Not our problem though.
I think that’s wonderful advice and I’m definitely going to make my house my boundary. She will absolutely try and force her way over here as she feels entitled, but I will be firm if she tries.
This is my home that I pay for and I don’t have to let any unwelcome visitors inside.
Thank you for the reminder 
And then probably have a range of negative opinions about your home, the way you decorate it, the upkeep etc. etc. Mine certainly would have and it’s an opinion I do not need or welcome about my own safe space.
OK, I went on a drive to go shopping, both perfect activities to gather my thoughts!
Here’s my experience, for what it’s worth 
I started reducing contact with my mother in 2000 and finally broke off all contacts in 2003. In hindsight, I wish I would have done two things differently:
-
the reason for not wanting my mother in my life was not, as I thought back then, what happened in the past but in fact that I could see very little (if any) positive impact from having her and her partner in my life on an ongoing basis. I wish I would have had that clarity at the time, if only because I wouldn’t have saddled them with remorse about the past but instead would have been able to at least explain how incompatible our views on life, tolerance and happiness are.
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with that in mind, I wish I would have been clear with my mother from the start that what I needed was not a temporary slowdown/break but a permanent break-up. Now that I have been on the other side, I realize how a parent cannot help but hope for a good relationship with their child and that it caused unnecessary pain to give even a glimmer of hope that things would get better with time.
I am writing all of this, dear @SoberSassy, because I believe that working out what you need is the key to answering the question you asked. If you are certain that there is no place in your life for your mother, then end things sooner rather than later. If however you feel that things can be repaired with time, be prepared for your parent to want that time to pass quicker than you would like to and for them to check with you constantly whether things are improving yet.
Feel free to toss all of this aside if it is not helpful, just one person’s experience and opinion!
I truly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this.