Welp I did it.
My mom arrives in town tomorrow, but I told her that I won’t be seeing her.
I feel so good about this step.
Because the old me would’ve tolerated her vampiric behavior while numbing myself with alcohol and feeling like someone was snatching my soul from my body. dramatic music 
This time I’m protecting my soul, my body and my home from unwelcome energy. 
So good. Feeling better in yourself about the decision you made means that it was the right one…
Did you get an ok response back?
Proud 
She just replied with ‘ok’.
I imagine there will be an attempt to need to come over for something, but I won’t be responding to any of those.
And thank you 
Yes, that Ok sounds ominous. If that were my mum she would then follow this up later with angry retaliation when she had worked herself up over not getting her way. And like you say, pushing and pushing at the No, hoping for a relent on it. 
Yes exactly.
It’s just a part of their pathology and ‘no’ isn’t really an option.
Luckily for me, my mom will have her poor husband with her and gets a ton of supply from him, my nieces and nephew.
Lucky them 
6 months of sobriety and self reflection.
I’ve spent so much time and energy wondering, second guessing myself, doubting my every thought and every move.
‘Am I like my mother? What are my intentions? Am I being manipulative without realizing it? Do I give people gifts in hopes of control or power or something in return? Etc etc etc’
I am exhausted, but today I finally realized and accepted that I am nothing like her in that way.
I am just trying to move through life in authenticity and love.
Have any of you dealt with this? I can only imagine you have.
Did you come to the same realization I did?
It certainly does, thank you for your response
I have definitely realized I learned a lot of things from both parents, also both good and bad.
I look back on ways I was certainly behaving narcissistic.
Love bombing for example was something I thought was a normal way to express love.
When in reality it’s pretty effed up.
I have since corrected that behavior of mine.
Yep. Totally.
I am sometimes miserable with money like my father. He was literally the kind of guy that wanted us to live like a Oliver Twist and beg for more. Which was pointless as he was unyielding and as cold as stone. I try my best to not be miserly around money, but it really hurts me on the daily to see financial injustice and greed and waste. I chose (and still choose) things I don’t always want as they are cheaper, or never ask for gifts or things as I hate money spent on me. I’m still working on that. I hate how my father coveted money and was very greedy. Yet I feel damaged by money, or lack of, or want of.
This side of me is fairly easy to live with as I see money as evil but not direct emotional abuse.
My mother took the emotional and mental front seat and I’ve fought it tooth and nail. She’s always suspicious and jealous and uses manipulation to position her flying monkeys and pawns. She would behave enough to get everyone back in their seats to watch the show. Then commence the torture of putting us down, controlling us, spreading gossip and distrust between siblings, making us abandon our wants to fulfil hers.
I do see her in my character, but I think I’m doing an ok job of shutting that shit down and being accountable when I see it in myself. I’m obsessed with not being like her, though inevitably all my training was from her. So it’s probably a long journey towards relearning more healthy patterns against the grain of nurture.
The thing is that I know they won’t be sitting down at 9am on a Thursday morning writing that they acknowledge their own ugliness and want to eradicate it as much as possible. That they feel scared that they are not enough and let people down. That they failed in some ways. That there is another gear and that they can do better. That they WANT to be held accountable and do better.
We are. Before I blocked my mother all her posts and meme stuff were self grandiosity and alongside the lines of “if you don’t love my faults… Then you don’t love me”, “don’t turn your back on family”…blahblahfuckyblahh. Zero self awareness.
Therefore we are not the sum of our birth and nurture, we are still growing, learning and loving.
Big love to all the kids of careless parents this festive time. Treat yourself to a duvet day with a good book and do whatever the damn YOU want to do. 
What does NPD mean?
Beautifully said, thank you. I suppose the real difference is the self awareness.
I’m like you with my obsession in being nothing like her. Because the good parts of her are pretend anyways.
I try to see my mom through a compassionate lens and wonder what traumatic thing must’ve broke her brain and sense of reality this way.
But I definitely have to do that at a distance.
It’s like they thrive on social media. I know my mom is a huge factor I gave up Facebook a couple of years ago. Sure, I could’ve just hid or blocked her posts but she really made me realize what social media was about. Appearances.
She thrives in that world and she has many fans and followers of this fantasy person.
I definitely learned some of that from her too. How to present myself or mask so to speak. I know that isn’t the world for me. I just want to be me unapologetically.
I know that my decision not to have children was one of the many ways I needed to break generational trauma. There’s so much to unpack and heal when raised in the distorted reality of a narcissist.
Of course I’m not saying people can’t do that with children, I just knew I couldn’t.
I always appreciate your posts
I hope you get yourself something special this festive time of year, too. You deserve all the love she never gave you and more. 
Narcissistic personality disorder 
Thank all this abbreviations thanks again
For me that’s the essence of recovery. Nature and nurture brought me to the brink. But I choose to try and live without drugs and booze, I choose to try and live a better life, to learn, to grow, to become aware of myself (I wrote this before I read your answer Sienna 
) and my surroundings, to learn to love, both myself and others.
At times I still feel a pang of guilt when I realize I don’t miss my parents. And although both their deaths (a decade ago now) were heavy and impactful happenings they weren’t as traumatic as other people experience it. Not by far. Their deaths were a relief and the beginning of my recovery. Sounds hard. It’s true.
I got my parent’s genes and in many respects I’m the perfect mix of both of them. Then again I’m totally different as they made their own choices as I’m making mine. I do recognize a lot of me in my dad. But he never learned to be social, he did all for himself, his friendships, his career, the way he wanted his children to fit in with what he saw as the right way. Not investing in family life, only in himself.
My mum was way to busy with herself and in the respect the same as my dad, although she found a different way to express it. My sister suffered more directly from her, as it often goes with mums and daughters. To me she simply wasn’t a mother. Later in life we used to drink lots together, and my mum used to say that at least we were friends where we weren’t really mum and son or something like that (of course blaming me at least partly for that).
We all choose to better ourselves. One day at a time. In my heart you lot
Right back at you Sienna. It’s been a great time getting to connect with you and share our collective thoughts and woes.
Big love to you. You are smashing it. 
I understand you 
. I’m in limbo right now without that sense of resolution. I wish things were different, but in my heart I know that no amount of effort will diffuse the toxicity and make an ‘in life’ situation tenable. That’s heartbreaking as limbo is so uncertain and a really scary place to be in. I don’t wish anyone harm, but also I don’t feel safe yet.
Love to you Menno as well.
Hello, my sober peers
I just needed a space to express that my mother has arrived in town yet again and it wasn’t long before she was sending me videos of her and my brothers drinking and “having fun”.
It stung only a little, but in better news this app notified me that its been 9 months since I’ve escaped that codependent abusive cycle.
I will continue to protect myself from those who refuse to see the issues and struggle with addiction.
I hope you’re all having a beautiful sober week and taking care of yourselves.
Congrats on 9 months! That is something to celebrate 
I’m so sorry about the painful video. When people talk about setting boundries after sobriety, they just don’t know the hard boundries we need to make x10. Big hugs and know we understand how you feel. Take care of you too and treat yourself to something nice today- you deserve it
Thank you 
