You have obviously put lots of thought I to your sobriety. Keeping away from triggers and surrounding yourself with like minded sober people. I’m 40 days sober and adjusting my social life anst social circle will definitely be something I have to think about. Congratulations and keep up the good fight!
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Thats one of the most challenging transitions. Its hard to leave friends behind.
I have attempted sobriety several times over the years and failed because I stayed around slippery people.
Now that I have stayed away from them its become alot easier. Its become the new normal for me.
I watch other people who are problem drinkers that still drink and all the shit they have to deal with.
Better them than me.
I remember telling friends like that i dont want to drink anymore. They always seem to justify their drinking and minimalize mine.
If i spend time in that environment then i will start minimizing my drinking too, and then i become a drunk again.
Ive done it many times. Its not worth it.
Ive had so many positive changes happen. I dont want to go back, so staying away from slippery people places and things has become easy.
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147 days since my final relapse.
The weather has prevented us from getting our final load of gear. I’m on call, as soon as the weather drops We will go and end this crab season officially!
Things are kinda crazy for me at the moment.
I have to move. My lease is up at the RV park I’ve been staying at. I have to move today. I haven’t been able to find another place yet, so im a little stressed. The corona virus is making it hard to take care of anything. I remind myself that the entire world has been affected. My situation is minor in the big picture.
I’ve had some anxiety about the virus, but I’m educated now, and feel pretty safe. I have a place to temporarily stay until I find something.
This park is really nice. Its next to a lake, and its quiet. Its all older people, so there aren’t any drugs or partying. They don’t let people stay here for longer than six months. I’ve been here a year. They invited me to stay through crab season.
I messed up when I first moved here. I was in relapse mode. I had been drinking “responsibly”. I parked my camper here. We brought our crab gear home ending a brutal season. I went on a road trip with the same girl I went to Kauai with. I became a mean drunk on that trip, but managed to salvage the trip, and the relationship.
When I got home, I was disgusted with myself. I wanted to quit my job, but was scared to. I was hoping I’d get fired, because I didn’t ask for permission to go on the road trip. I just went.
I hated myself for being a mean drunk to someone I care about. I knew I needed to quit drinking.
My boss went on vacation. I decided to have one more party while he was gone, before I quit drinking. I ended up buying meth. I went into the most terrifying psychosis. I was hallucinating visually and auditory. I was wandering around trying to survive what was my own imagination trying to kill me. it seemed so real.
Looking back now it seems crazy that I was so sketched out. I remember running into my landlord, and sharing some of my insanity with him.
I came down, slept for a couple of days. When I came to, I still felt paranoid. I wasnt sure whether I was hallucinating, or that everything still wanted to kill me.
I went to the store, and I was still hallucinating. Not as bad, but it was still there.
I saw my landlord and apologized. I still don’t know exactly what I said or did while I was in psychosis. I just know it wasn’t good. I told him someone slipped something in my drink at the bar, and my behavior wasn’t normal. I blamed it on drinking, and told him I would never drink again. I showed him my sobriety coins every time I got one. 30 days, 60 days, etc. We have become friends. He doesn’t know about my slip in Kauai.
Its a small town, and I was worried that word would get around that I was bat shit crazy, and I would be shunned from the community. That never happened. I don’t think he has told anyone. He gave me another chance. He didn’t even know me. I’m grateful for that.
I’m reluctant to put down in writing what I saw in psychosis, for fear of the white van, and guys with straight jackets showing up.
This place has been a good place to heal.
The only opening I have heard of is the RV park I got my meth from. Its not very nice and there are a lot of tweakers there. I haven’t been able to contact the owner.
There’s a house available. It would be perfect. It has a garage that I could make into my carving studio, and have a painting/photography studio. Its expensive, and would empty my bank account. The fish buyers are closed indefinitely like almost everything. So I’m reluctant to rent it.
My boss Has a room in the shop at the crab yard he offered me. My co-worker was staying there. My boss constantly nagged him. My boss has a lot of gear he wants to build so it feels like it would be an indentured servant thing. Leaving me little time to pursue my artistic interests.
There’s another guy who parks his camper there. Drinker, meth user, annoying AF. I don’t like the guy.
I don’t know… Something will turn up!
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Our last load of gear is onshore! Our crab season is officially over!
I did it!
Sober crab season! 
Im feeling really proud of myself!
There was crab in our gear today. 900 pounds in 75 pots, which is pretty good for this time of year. Perfect ending for a great season!
I feel really free right now. Freedom from alcohol. Free agent, even being in between a rental agreements makes me feel free. I could park my stuff in storage and do whatever I want.
My relationship has felt pretty distant since early Feb. I feel like she has put me in the friend zone.
I have mixed feeling sbout that. But its making me feel even more free today.
I’ve been rolling with it pretty well.
As a drunk, i would have made it worse. For sure, and probably not remember doing it until I was facing consequences for something shitty I had done.
Im having a hard time deciding exactly what I’m going to do. I dont need to decide right away.
I can do whatever I want! I like that feeling. I feel like everything is going to be good, no matter what as long as I dont take that first drink.
A year ago today. I was hungover bad. I had been a mean drunk the night before, and i was trying to make up for my dickhead behavior. Not happy, self loathing, not proud of myself at all, and not even the slightest bit comfortable in my own skin.
Trying to save the rest of our road trip vacation.
This year, im happy, confidant, proud, and comfortable!
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Jason, I’ve been reading the thread and am so glad you’ve ended the crab season on such a high note!!
Congratulations for meeting your sobriety goal!!!
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Awesome!! We’re all proud of you too Jason. Enjoy your freedom. 
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@JasonFisher congrats! It has been great to fully your journey. Keep going.
Enjoy your freedom.
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Hi jason. I can relate alot too your story I have spent 17 years at sea In the merchant navy where you was encouraged too drink anytime you had off. I’m now trying too kick my addiction but keep going back too it thinking I can moderate I stopped for 4 months that’s the longest u have done in a good 20 years but I slowly started again. So here I am again. Your amazing too get so far.
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Kcuk. I too am a Merchant Marine currently working on an ATB.
I know the struggle exactly as you have described. I keep failing, but I know your situation if you ever want to talk with someone in the same boat. (Har har)
Yes mate it’s good too have people onboard with the same background and situations definitely keep in touch brother
What type of ship do you work on? Are you an AB or an officer? Hawespiper? Do you drink on the ship at all?
I have finally admitted to myself that I really am an alcoholic.
But what does that mean?
When I drink alcohol, my body thinks I need it. My mind thinks im not as drunk as I am, and I drink excessively, because I dont have the turn off switch that most people have.
Once i get started, I dont stop until I pass out. If I dont pass out then I become a different person. I want to be happy go lucky, but I become unpredictable, wreckless. My mind doesnt realize im intoxicated, so my behavior feels acceptable to it.
If I get angry, i get super angry, and mean. I won’t calm down, and I will say and do things that I would never say or do sober.
When people tell me some of the things I do in a blackout drunk, i find it hard to believe because it is so unlike me.
It doesnt always go bad. Sometimes I have alot of fun. I used to always have fun. It seems like most of my friends, coworkers, and the rest of the world has fun. I want to have fun, so its been really hard for me to accept that I cant join in on the fun.
Because I am alcoholic, and my body processes it differently than most people, the first drink starts the vicious cycle.
Thats been hard for me to fully comprehend and accept.
My brain tells me one drink? Thats nothing. A six pack is good behavior. Lightweights!
Its not the first drinks gets me drunk, its the first drink that starts the reaction in my body to need more. If i dont take the first drink the no chain reaction follows.
Alcoholics anonymous describes it as an allergic reaction.
This chapter describes it perfectly. I have done everything it describes alcoholics doing.
Now that I have a better undestanding of my condition, i had to admit it to myself. I have a history that proves to me that I have this condition.
I have admitted to myself that I’m alcoholic. I realize it the first drink that gets me. Now I have retrain my thinking.
My inner alcoholic has been doing my thinking for so long that its usually the first thoughts I have about any situation. Good or bad.
The last two times I drank had horrible consequences. Im glad because I use them as defense for my alcoholic thinking.
I visit this forum frequently to help my recovery thinking stay stronger than my alcoholic thinking.
This forum has been the best tool I have because as a sailor I dont have a chance to go to meetings often. And I have made sober friends here which is really cool. I have a support group that I can tap into 24/7.
I realize that Im responsible for my recovery. It doesn’t matter what I know about recovery, its what I do for my recovery.
I feel healthier than I have in years. I really like that!
Im the rare sober deckhand, any captain in his right mind wants that. Its opening opportunities.
I got to take a boat out for the day with a crewman and be the captain a few days ago. We did good! Everyone on the dock saw it. My reputation has gone from being a drunk, to someone reliable and trustworthy.
Good incentives to not take that first drink. I have alot more to share, but i have to go do some boat chores.
Glad your here!
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I was a AB on container ships then I did 10 years in the royal fleet auxiliary which was supporting all the forces around the world yes we had bars onboard so alcohol was always available.
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Thank you this have given me alot too think about because what you describe is me i just havnt admitted it yet because I never see myself as a alcoholic just a binge drinker. But the first drink starts the cycle like you say. Speak soon thank you
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@JasonFisher @Kcuk
You describe my issue perfectly; first drink = blackout. The hardest part for me was admitting that I was an alcoholic. The other big issue for me was forever. Not being able to drink again forever was hard to fathom. Once you can accept these things you can move on your way to full sobriety.
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Accepting it has eliminated alot of the battle. Theres no arguement anymore…
Will it be different this time? No!
Can control it this time? I’ve tried everyway imaginable, so the answer is no!
My alcoholic thinking will always throw ideas out there.
Now that i have stayed sober through crab season i know for a fact that alcohol did not enhance it.
I got natural, better highs. I gained confidence, not just in sobriety, but every other facet of my life.
It wasnt artificial, alcohol induced.
I feel like im recovering.
One year ago. I was in progressive relapse mode and I was doing drugs. I still felt like I had control. But I was about to lose any illusion of control I could create for myself.
I greatful to be alive today!
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153 days since my final relapse.
I found a place but its not available.until may 4th.its an rv park.
Ive been camping on my boat. Its a fixer upper i bought a few years ago. I like camping here. Its on the dock. I have all my camera gear. Ive been shooting more.
We got all the crabbing equipment off the boat, pessure washed and bleached everything. Definately no carona virus on the boat.
We had the first three cases show up in our county. The carona virus has everything messed up. Salmon season in Alaska starts soon. I have to quarantine in alaska for two weeks to go.
I ran into one of my best drinking buddies at the store. Hes a fisherman. We were talking and hes sober. Hasnt drank since October.
He bought a salmon/tuna boat, and has completely rebuilt it. Its a smallish boat. Brand new Yanmar deisel engine which is fast and fuel efficient. Like 30 knots fast. We’d trialer the boat up and down the coast to wherever the salmon are. Day trips. Easy!
He asked me to come fish it this year. Im seriously tempted. Hes a fun guy! We’d have a great time!
My current gig is gearing up for salmon. As soon as we finish cleaning the boat and painting the bottom. Salmon gear will get installed.
Current boss is pretty moody and not that fun to fish with. Ive been feeling like salmon fishing with him wont be very fun.
I love salmon fishing! I do it for free I love it so much!
The prison ship made salmon fishing miserable for me last year. It had a big impact on my decision to quit…
It would be alot easier than Alaska to fish here for the summer. Id find a place to carve, and have time to do it.
Salmon opens April 15th here. Ive been thinking about it for a few days. I think i should do it
Today out of nowhere i get a message from my X wife saying she took the kids to a river i used to take her to and she realized that she never loved anyone as much as me and how she wishes she was the woman she has become now, back then.
I have no romantic interest with her, but I feel this could be the opening to crossing the bridge to having a relationship with my kids.
Im going to sleep on it. Maybe take a couple days to process this before I reply.
The last time we exchanged messages, I was drunk and mean. I got to review that exchange of messages. Even though what I said was true. It didnt get me anywhere.
I have to try and kill this with kindness. Keep my eye on the goal!
Im not triggered to drink. I got this!
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Wow man! I hope you do get the chance to be in your kids life again! What a blessing that would be, one you’ve been working on for a while.
As always, thanks for being so open. You have a special place in my heart.
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Jason, it seems you have a lot of opportunities and a path to a relationship with you kids. Keep things pointed in the right direction.
A lot of my issues come when things are going really well. I drink to further enhance the feeling (if that makes sense). It always backfires, so do not fall into that trap.
I love this thread and follow and read it regularly.
Thanks for sharing.
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Makes sense.
I have noticed that my inner alcoholic like to play the “lets celebrate” card as much as the “life sucks, fuck everything” card.
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