Alcoholic fisherman in recovery

Life in Recovery
361

It been a couple of days. I havent replied yet, but im going to try and do it tonight. Im scared shitless. Its crazy! Im fearless on the ocean, but this has me scared.

Is she gonna just try and hurt me again.

She has done it for ten years.

Is she possibly in recovery and trying to make amends? And I actually get to have that relationship with my kids?

I find both options scary.

Ive been busy. We rigged the boat for salmon, then I went and helped my new employer work on his boat. Today we should be able to fire that brand new engine up.

Hes going to let me park my trailer on his property and have a carving area. He wants me to have time for art. Its feels good. Im been feeling it out before I commit. Last night I committed.

Today we are getting the crab gear off the dock and stored in the gear yard. I will have gone above and beyond my obligations for the season. No fishing for a couple of weeks anyways. No buyers.

Feels like the perfect time to sail on with no hard feelings. I should be able to crab again with him next year.

If not. Thats ok too. Im not too worried about getting a job on another boat.

6 Likes
362

I felt like I had procrastinated on replying as long as I could, so i did it this morning.

Im going to share this here because im going to need support as I walk through this.

This is the message I got.

Jason shit is crazy nowadays. I just wanted to tell you the boys and I hung out at the Provo where you used to take me and I was overwhelmed with the love for you and regrets that I have. I wish I could have been the woman I am now for you then. I told Stephanie later that day that I haven’t loved anyone as much as you. I remember every time I see our boys. Army and J are possibly the perfect thing we have done in our whole lives.

My reply.

Perhaps we could try and make it easier for me to try and have a relationship with them.

Im glad your doing better these days.

I really dont know what to say to all that.

I just know that not being able to know them as they grow up so fast has been horrible. I would love to be a positive influence in their lives.

Im sober.

I tried to keep is short and simple without dragging anything shitty from the past into this. Which was difficult, because its ten years worth of toxic shit. More than that. Ive lost track of the time because eight years of it I spent drunk.

There were sober attempts at fixing it, only to fail, and end up drunk again.

I have succesfully done this in the past but when its become impossible to jump through all the hoops she has made me jump through, I end up saying the things I have held back.

I have gotten blackout drunk a few times and said horrible things in my messages.

We are really good at exchanging shitty messages. It hasnt helped me see my kids. My drunken messages just made me look like a drunk, and gave them something to use against me.

In 2006, we lost our second child. He was six weeks old. He got a bacteria infection, it devastated him. It got into his brain. We were faced with the decision to take him off life support, or keep him alive, and raise a child with no brain function. The doctors said he would most likely not survive, and if he did, he wouldnt ever respond to anything.

Vegetable is the only word I know to describe it.

We chose to set him free. I had to watch him pass in my wifes arms. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless. It was horrible.

I remember leaving the hospital in Portland, walking across the skybridge and noticing how the city was busy, like nothing happened.

I was four years sober. I promised Zane as he passed that I would honor him by not drinking. I wanted to. I wanted to just check out.

I couple days later we picked up his ashes. It was horrible. His ashes were in a box inside a fancy yellow bag like you get for easter. Or a birthday gift you get from sombody who doesn’t wrap presents.

My construction company was doing well, and I focused on work because it was the only thing I felt that I had control of.

I had also bought property and new vehicles, so i was in debt and had bills to pay.

My bank statements at the time denied us any help with the hospital bills, so I had 1.2 million dollars of hospital bills, and a dead baby.

He was a premie. He spent a month in newborn intensive care when he was born. He came home for two weeks. He was perfect. Then he got sick. He was life flighted to portland where he spent a week with a team of doctors working on him.

1.2 million dollars… i havent dealt with any of that since 2008 when the economy crashed and I lost everything.

I relapsed in 2011. And i havent faced anything since then, so I have a huge pile of shit to wlak through.

It overwhelms me. I dont even know where or how to start.

I need to though. I know that much.

8 Likes
363

Jason, my heart hurts for/with you. That made me tear up, I’m sorry for your loss. :wilted_flower:

1 Like
364

Wow Jason! That’s some heavy shit you’re carrying around. I’m very sorry for your loss. I can’t say I know how you feel but my heart breaks for you. At some point, maybe get a therapist to deal with all that.

As far as the ex, your response was nice and simple which is a good start to building a relationship for co-parenting. Taking baby steps is all you can do. I hope this all works out in time and you get your kids back into your life.

1 Like
365

Thanks donna! :hugs:

1 Like
366

I went to a therapist while we were divorcing, and maybe until a year after, as I was making the transition of losing the ability to see my kids.

It helped me, and i find myself tapping into things I learned back then.

Perhaps i should start going again. It feels like another expense in uncertain times.

But I am open to it.

3 Likes
367

I found myself clinging to every word. I’m not a fisherman, but I’m a female welder.

My excuses have consisted of: I’ve been so hot today, my body hurts, I got a wicked burn today that I need to just ease off.

I’m on my 5th day sober, & I’m seeing my life more clearly since my early teenage years. I hope you the best in your journey and that you have the strength to always say no. We’re proud of you!!

2 Likes
368

Five days is awesome!
A hard days work is the easiest excuse to use. Its so normalized.
I wish I hated beer, but i love it, adding to the challenge.

Ive had to distance myself from coworkers who drink, or other fisherman in general who drinks. Its like a brotherhood, and they always think i look thirsty.

Keeping myself occupied has been really helpful for me.

Like today. Im playing with my photos and going to head out on a photography adventure. Spend time in nature and focus on whats in front of me, and slow down.

I bought the camera with money i saved from not blowing it on drinking.

I wont be trippin on the carona virus, my ex wife, the economy or anything else.

Its going to be a great, sober day!

Glad your here!

5 Likes
369

Her response…

“I’m sorry in a weird place I didn’t mean to come at you that way. I got really stoned and got way to honest with a few people”

My temper is triggered! one reply into this and I have a billion shitty things to say. I have to keep it together.

Im not triggered to drink, in fact its the opposite, because I know if I was drinking, Id have already said all those shitty things I want to say. Then Id be swimming in self pity because I miss my kids. I have missed everything about them growing up. It makes me angry.

She didn’t even address making it easier for me to see them.

I had a feeling this would be another head game.

My kids are getting old enough that they will find me. I just have to be patient and wait. Have my shit together for when the time comes. Stay sober. They have never seen me drunk., I can keep it that way.

After Zane died, she relapsed. We met in recovery.

I was supportive. We got pregnant again, it seemed to help her.

This pregnancy was very similar to Zane. He was born early. Had to spend two weeks in newborn intensive carel. Was released in perfect health, but this time stayed in perfect health.

She relapsed again. She decided to go to rehab. her and the kids went to Utah where her family could help. I stayed and took care of the business. Kept the bills paid, including rehab.

I was trying desperately to save our marriage, while she was over there destroying it. She came back to Oregon because she burnt every bridge she had over there.

She kept lying to me. I knew she was lying all the time, so I snooped through her emails and Facebook messages. I found out she was prostituting the entire time. I saw a picture of one of her clients. He was a short fat guy. Ugly. I couldn’t shake the image out of my head. She made my skin crawl after that. Divorce was the only option I had. This wasn’t worth saving. I wanted out.

I filed for divorce. I fought with everything I had to keep the kids in my life. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I lost. She took the kids to Utah. I stayed and tried to keep everything I had acquired. The economy crashed. There was no work. I couldn’t pay the bills. I lost everything. I couldn’t afford to go to SLC. I couldn’t pay child support.

I struggled for a couple of years. They took my drivers license away, because I fell behind on child support.

She gave custody of the kids to her sister, so she could go chase sugar daddies, prostitute, and be a porn star.

The system is fucked…

I didn’t drink through any of that shit. I started drinking a few years later. I felt like I was missing out on something. That’s why I drank.

Once I started drinking. I sure used it to check out after that. I was in denial. I had it under control…Not!

So here I am. decade old shit eating me up.

Not gonna drink! gonna go enjoy this beautiful Sunday outside with my camera.

159 days since my final relapse! :muscle:

7 Likes
370

Wow! I had hopes for a better response. She needs to grow the fuck up and allow those kids to have their father in their lives. It’s not about you and her, it’s about them. I hate when moms do this shit. It’s not fair to all involved. I’m sorry Jason. You’re a good man for holding back on responding. You’re right, the day will come when they come looking for you.

3 Likes
371

You have such a strong spirit; your life today proves what you’re made of. I’m so proud of you. And yes, they will definitely come looking for you. :heart::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

1 Like
372

You are one strong dude Jason.

We are all infallible and that is why we fall and turn to our DoC’s, but what you have gone through, it has required superhuman strength to fight through and come out sober.

I always find it strange how many of us fight successfully through these mammoth life-battles and yet the things that pose the biggest threat to us are a shitty case of beer, a few pills or a line of powder.

I guess my point is that you have ‘won’ the biggest battle you have faced - the battle within yourself. Not only that, but you have won it in the face of all this external chaos and grief. I am not sure why it hasn’t defeated you, I think it would have done me.

And that is why I say you have superhuman strength.

4 Likes
373

Dude, I had to walk away before I replied. It didn’t help. You stay in your acceptance and serenity and I’ll be mad for you. You have all my love, friend. I was a kid who lived through years of lies and manipulation from my parents, especially about each other. My heart breaks for them, and it breaks for you.

3 Likes
374

I’m with you Megan, looking at that whole scenario from my younger self; I have a cluster $%*× of a history. It hurts the kids more than the person knows, while trying to screw with their ex/spouse.

3 Likes
375

Right? Like, just, fuck that shit. I wish I could get ahold of those kids and tell them a REAL thing or two about their dad, because I know they have zero clue. And her? Nahh, can’t even post it here. It’s toxic and reactive.

3 Likes
376

The situation with my kids has almost destroyed me several times.

While it was happening in the beginning I was homicidal and suicidal. I wanted to kill people, but I’m not prison material. I’d rather be dead than do life in prison.

I was losing everything I lived for, so suicidal thoughts were rampant. If I was going to kill me, I was going to take people I felt deserved it with me. It was a pretty long list. Even I thought that sounded crazy at the time. Voice of reason talked me out of that.

Then after the divorce was final, and the kids were gone and the dust started to settle from that, as I was losing my dream property…

I bought 34 acres of river front property on one of the best salmon/steelhead rivers in Oregon.

I was sitting in my truck that I was about to lose with a loaded gun ready to end my life and a voice inside my head told me you dont own this. It owns you.

I drove away. Voice of reason…

There was a bar in the town close to my property. It was a seedy logger bar. I was attracted to it. I’d go there for a burger. I’d order two double shots of Wild turkey and I felt like if I drank them, I’d end up doing something terrible. I was scared of the consequences. I’d end up at an AA meeting instead.

I did that alot.

My brothers in AA, and my therapist carried me through the most difficult time in my life. My therapist helped me see that it wasnt my fault. I find myself remembering alot of the things she helped me see now…

6 Likes
377

It was a crazy busy day.

Woke up at 4am. worked on photos I took Yesterday, Posted here, It started getting light,. Im staying in the shop at the gear yard now. There’s a shop, its warm, and comfortable. Has a bathroom with a shower. I’ve been able set my computer up so I can edit photos, and gopro footage.

It starts getting light around 6am so I bailed with my camera so I could catch the sunrise. The moon was looking really cool so I set up the tripod, took some shots, noticed some swallows building a nest So I set up for that. Checked my phone and There was a message.

"That’s great that your sober. You can talk to them when they are at my house you could video chat them on messenger too. I know it sucks to not see them. With technology you can be connected still. I can’t change what has happened with all of it but I know I can start over. We talk about you all the time. We looked up your pictures recently because army wanted to know if he would have a beard when he grows up. Let go of the shit from the past please try. I hate when we are assholes to each other

I have wanted to talk to you for a long time"

There was a couple of videos and photos of the boys.

I sat down trying to take it all in. I was kinda blown away…

I’ve been having a lot of memories, and flashbacks lately, even before communication started between us. Zanes death will always haunt me. I smell the hospital room where he passed.

Yesterday, I thought about of my darkest times while from losing the ability to see my kids. I thought about all the betrayal from her. We were together for eight years, married for three. In the end I felt like I never even new her.

Yesterday I had an incredible day. I was able to spend most of the day with my camera shooting nature. it was awesome. The birds were out. Bald eagles, Pelicans, Huge flocks of Canadian head flying through. I remembered how photography kept me sane while all of this happened. I felt strong and confidant.

Boss number one called at 8:30AM He needs help at the boat for a couple hours.

I’m still trying to let that message I got sink in. Working on the boat is the last thing I want to do. I’m staying in his shop. I feel like I cant say no. I agree to meet at the boat.

7 hours later, We finished. Found out the fish buyers are going to buy so we got ready for a day trip. Gotta make money while the opportunity is there.

Boss number two texted at 9:30, wanted me to stop by. I planned on it anyway, so I told him I’d be there in a couple hours… 6 hours later, I text to ask if he still wants me to come, he says he needs my help.

Its the last thing I want to do, but I feel obligated, so I go.

Boss number one left his coffee cup in my way this morning. When I moved it I smelled alcohol. there was ice, vodka and orange juice in it. 9:AM.We were working on mechanical issues and were close to each other I smelled the vodka all morning. When we went to the gear yard, he was drinking beers.

I wont share his story, but I know it. This isn’t good.

The last thing I heed to do Is go on a 3 or four day salmon or tuna trip with beer on the boat. He has been known to do drugs in the past, The last thing I need to be around. It makes me glad I’m planning on quitting. The vodka didn’t trigger me, but the beers did. They looked good.

Boss number two tells me he has a glass of wine or a beer or a shot every once in a while. Just one he says. Today I was all over his property there were beers everywhere. . Cans, bottles. empty ones, full ones. people kept stopping by. most of them had been drinking, some drinking while talking to him.

We worked until midnight. Him knowing Im fishing at 5am.

We talked about my percentage. He wants to start me at 5% less than I was expecting. I feel insulted.

So now I want to tell both jobs tyo eat a bowl full. But this carona virus got everything all fucked up and I don’t know what to do. Im more scared of my alcoholism than the virus.

I need to reply, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to screw this up. I need a week to myself. I wish I could. not gonna drink in a world full of drunks.

I cant sleep…Looks like im gonna be up for forty hours and crab seasons over…

6 Likes
378

That text message was good news. At least from an outsiders viewpoint. It made me smile to hear the kids are asking about you. Why not start with video chats? It’s something for now. As long as you both keep the focus on the kids and don’t rehash the past.

Sounds like you had a long day. Congrats for getting through with all the alcohol around. Getting low ball offers for fishing really sucks. Weigh it all out before making the decision. It sounds like the boss will have alcohol on the boat. That’s a lot to consider there. In the end, I have faith that you’ll make the decision that’s best for you and your sobriety.

As always, thanks for sharing your story Jason. You’re doing amazing and good things are coming your way. Stay strong. :hugs: :two_hearts:

1 Like
379

Thank you! your support helps me. Letting it out here helps. I haven’t talked about it anywhere else. No meetings currently happening. No sponsor. I’ve had a couple people try and sponsor me. I didn’t feel that they were qualified. I haven’t been able to get to enough meetings find a good one.

My therapist retired, and moved back east. Its hard to want to start with someone new. I tried to contact her today.

2 Likes
380

I replied this…
"Sorry it took a minute to reply. I want to do this, i dont want to say anything that will ruin this.

I was considering coming to slc after crab season.

I wanted to stay long enough to make this happen.

As crab season was coming to an end the carona virus hit and changed everything. Kinda reminds me of the 2008 economy crash.

Fish buyer arent buying.

Things were looking better for me financially than they had in a long time, but now things are uncertain. I had alot of goals and plans, but now everything is up in the air.

i would like to start any way I can.

I have known where to start with any of this. Maybe we can figure it out.

I think it was a good non confrontational reply.

Gotta keep moving forward. I feel a llttle better.

7 Likes