I had a great day yesterday.
When I woke up, I felt like this may have been a dream. I had to check my phone to make sure it wasnt.
I noticed how good I felt. Decided to load up my camera gear and head out before anyone tried to get me to work. Hanging out at the shop isnt the best place to be for a day off.
It was a beautiful day. No wind. Its rare to have a day off when the weather is that nice.
Ive been experimenting with timelapse on my go pro. Conditions were perfect, so I set up close to the surfline, where i could film the boats launching for a time lapse. Stayed close to the go pro where I could keep an eye on it.
Ive been dragging all of my gear around when I shoot. Its a heavy backpack when fully loaded. I only brought three lenses instead of seven.
I have a 180mm macro lens that I havent been using because ive had it for a long time, and have been putting my attention towards newer lenses.
I really enjoy macro photography. It slows me downs, and I pay more attention to tiny things. Theres always something new to photograph.
I thought about the past and how photography kept me sane as my world was crumbling apart. I Felt greatful that I was shooting as my world is coming back together.
Yesterday was Zanes birthday. He would be 14 years old. I was having flashbacks of the good memories that occurred during his short life.
I have a very visual mind. It trips me out how vivid my memories are. Both good ones and bad ones. I felt at peace.
Last year I came too on his birthday from the meth binge that I went on. I remembered how I promised him I would honor him by not drinking, and decided I wanted it to be my sobriety date.
I remembered how messed up I was. I had gotten some sleep, hadnt used in a couple of days. I was still hallucinating.
I was disgusted with myself. Self loathing was high.
I was thirsty. I walked to the store, and felt like I was being followed. I was paranoid.
This time I began making changes. I stayed away from bars. I stayed away from people I drank and/or used with.
My boss was on vacation, and my coworker was lazy, so I had the perfect opportunity to detox. I took advantage of it and slept, ate and rehydrated.
When i did have to go back to work a week later, I was still paranoid. I still felt like I was living in a dream. It wasnt a good dream. It took a month or so for me to feel like I wasnt dreaming.
I just showed up to work and went through the motions. I was there physically, but mentally, i felt like I was still in a different dimension. I still felt like I was going to be arrested at any moment and taken to the psych ward. I was too paranoid to talk about it. Nobody knew, but it felt like everyone knew, and was judging me.
As time went on I started feeling reconnected to reality. I went to a meeting. That was good. About 60 days sober I found this forum. Its been very helpful.
When I got sober in 2002, i participated in a meth recovery forum. I was stoked when I found this one.
Even though I slipped in november drinking. I still consider April 20th 2019 the day I pulled my head out of my ass.
363 out of 365 days sober is pretty good. Now im determined for 365
I find it very ironic the the date that became carried so much pain, now represents not only my sobriety but the day I got my living sons back in my life.
Yesterday was incredible! My heart is filled with joy.
My ex and I exchanged messages celebrating his life. I never thought that was possible.
I have been able to successfully use all of the tools I have accumulated over the years and get a happy ending, from a horrible event.
Because im sober.
Alcohol ruins me. Sobriety enhances me. I choose sobriety.
Today taking a drink feels far away. I dont hate myself, and im greatful to be alive. The exact opposite of how I felt a year ago.
!!!