You must be so excited to finally see your kids. I’m excited for you and can’t wait to read all about it. Have a great time!!
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Jason, my man! What a fucking adventure you are on! It’s so exciting to watch.
I hope you enjoy every second of this summer. Play ball with the sister in law, she’s been trying to protect those kids from addict parents for a long time. Her biggest concern is their welfare. If it were me in your position, I’d make sure she knows how grateful I am that shes made them such a priority and had been keeping them safe and health. It’s not easy to do, but I would do it. I would also remember that she has a lot of anger for being put in the position where she must take on such a huge responsibility. But she did, and she’s seeing to their needs. And their needs still include being protected from the possibility of losing their relationship with their parents again.
This is all incredibly humbling, I’m sure. Don’t just play ball, Jason, meet her where she needs you to meet her. She has been protecting and raising your legacy, and a lot better than anyone else was able to. Try to find the gratitude, not the frustration. I’m sure it will be such a relief to her and it will take a lot of friction out of the situation.
Enjoy your boys, Jason! Could you even imagine this opportunity a few months ago? Celebrate it!
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Her sister coached my ex wife into making it hard for me. Way before I relapsed. I was sober and my alcoholism never contributed anything to deserve the treatment I got.
Every time I tried she created obstacles that were impossible for me to do.
My consumption of alcohol increased to numb the pain. I was never a danger to them.
We bypassed her this time. She doesn’t know im here, or that im spending time with them. If she did, she would have done everything she could to make this difficult.
I do appreciate that they have been safe. But thats my job. She stole that from me.
I will never get back those moments. I missed out on alot. I hate her for that.
She cant kave kids of her own, so she stole mine.
My boys love her. I have done good about not saying anything.
I got them back. Maybe not custody, but she cant be replace me. Im greatful for that.
Things are going really good. We played video games yesterday. Watched movies. Laughed alot.
They remember alot. We talked about all the good times. Its amazing how much they remember.
We went fishing last night. We fished for tiger muskie. We didnt catch. It was a learning trip. Well go back more prepared next time.
I enjoyed teaching them how to tie knots and tie different riggs. We told ghost stories. It was quality time.
Today we are going to play video games and go on another adventure. Their grandparents have a cabin close to canyonlands country. We are going there this afternoon.
Their mom and I are getting along really well. Its kinda weird doing things together as a family. But its cool! I never would have seen this coming.
Their mom made amends by making this happen.
Everything is going better than I imagined.
Time to get my ass kicked at video games some more.
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I love, love, love reading about your journey Jason. Keep making those beautiful memories with your boys.
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The four days I spent with them went incredibly well.
We fished, played video games, went to their grandparents cabin and camped in a tee-pee together, and hiked, played in a stream.
One of my favorite things I use to do was hang in the background and take photos of them when they didnt know I was. I capture magic moments and gets some really cool photos.
I was able to do that again. It was really awesome!
I got my bond back! It feels really good!
It was almost like we hadn’t lost any time. We picked up right where we left off.
We tried to keep them for an extra day, but the sister said no.
It bummed me out, but I am staying positive and grateful for the four days I got to spend with them.
Their mom told her sister about me being there on the last day. She didnt take it well. She has grounded them from their phone, and is trying to make the next visit difficult.
This is why we didn’t clear it with her to begin with. She always makes it hard for me. It validates all the reasons I hate her.
You would think she would be happy for them. I’ve never done anything to make her be this way.
I’ve already won. The boys are happy to have me back in their life. If she makes it hard, they will get angry. They are old enough to have a voice now. They love me!
I am really proud of myself for how I’ve controlled my emotions through all of this. Especially my anger.
Im a peaceful person. I try to meet people half way. Even more. I roll with things pretty well. When I get treated unfairly, I try and fix it in a positive manner. I dont lose my temper unless I’m provoked, and even then I try and keep the peace.
When I do lose my temper its a huge build up of frustration. Thats where I’ve been with the sister for a long time. I’m ready to completely release my temper.
But I know it wont help. So I keep it under control. I havent said one bad thing about her to the boys. Its been challenging.
We spent the time together with their mom. It was cool. It was almost like we never missed a beat. We all had a great time.
It brought back alot of memories for both of us. She tried to put the moves on me when we got back.
I couldn’t do it. I still get the flashback of the picture of her client flashing through my mind.
It would complicate things, not help. So I stopped it from happening even though I am attracted to her.
Im proud of myself for that too. Being able to see the big picture instead of acting on a moment of desire. Part of me wanted to, but I feel I made the right decision not doing it.
My inner alcoholic has been quiet. I have no desire to drink! I’ve stayed sober through this emotional rollercoaster. I’ve felt all those feelings, and processed my emotions with a clear mind.
I’ve even given myself permission to take a few days off before I start working.
I feel focused! I feel like I’m becoming the best version of myself that I’ve ever been.
199 days since my final relapse! 
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@JasonFisher
Sounds like you had a great time regardless of the politics.
Nice that you could sanp some photos with your camera.
And congratulations on 199 days!!! Great work!!!
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good on you to not act on impulse with your ex. i agree, it would definitely complicate things and potentially make things very messy - esp if the sister finds out. kids first 
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Sounds like an amazing 4 days. So special the bond a parent and child have no matter time or space. Good job staying strong.
Staying positive brings positivity back to ya. 
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The ex sister in law ungrounded them from their phones and we are picking them up tomorrow afternoon.
I bought everything they need to start flyfishing yesterday. I’m so excited!
I postponed starting work until next week. I have five or six options to choose from. I havent really looked that hard. The options I currently have will all let me spend as much time as possible with them.
Ive been feeling solid in my sobriety. Having the boys back in my life helps alot.
Their mom has had a guest staying at her apartment this week He has kept beer in the fridge. It hasnt bothered me too much. The first time I opened the fridge and it was there surprised me.
Now I just ignore it.
I’ve visited some old friends and there has been people drinking. I dont stay as long as I would. I prefer to not be around it.
I spent the day with the girl I relapsed in Hawaii. She brought beer, and offered me one. I guess she still doesn’t understand that im alcoholic. It was easy to say no thanks.
Im way out of my comfort zone being here. In Oregon I had my safety zone. I knew I would have to be out in the real world eventually.
All of the things I have done this last year to stay sober are helping me now.
My camera really helps. It was bought with booze money, and every time I use it, I remind myself that.
Now I can say the fishing gear I bought my kids was purchased with money the old me would have spent on drinking.
My inner alcoholic doesnt have much to work with right now. Whenever he throws out ideas to get me to take that first drink, its pretty easy to shoot down.
Remembering how drinking ruined the trip to Hawaii helps.
Remembering the times before all of that helps too.
Usually after time passes, my inner alcoholic tries to paint a picture with all the fun times and minimalizes the bad times. Not this time. I wont allow it.
My anxiety has been pretty good. Ive been taking care of myself. Eating, sleeping. Eating healthy really helps keep the impending doom feelings minimal.
I feeling confident these days.
I like it!
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Things are going really good! The ex sister in law didn’t make our last visit difficult at all. I spent four days with them. We flyfished 21/2 of those days.
They loved it! Especially my oldest.
He caught a fish on his 2nd day. He was so happy! Me too. My youngest almost did. Next time.
My youngest didn’t feel like going the 3rd day, so I went with my oldest. He is really into it. He’s learning fast. He told me he wanted to get really good this summer. It was nice to spend one on one time with him.
It was like we never missed any time.We picked up right where we left off. Its been like that with both of them.
The sister asked if we wanted to take them for a week at a time. We both jumped on it. So we get to pick them up tomorrow, and keep them for 12 days, then we will alternate weeks through their summer break from school. I’m really happy about that.
Im getting homesick for the coast, but grateful for this summer. It been fun spending time outdoors here with the boys. The city kinda sucks. Too many people. everyones in such a hurry. It used to be normal for me. Not anymore. But I can handle it. my boys will keep me sane.
I had an anxiety attack this morning. I went for a walk with my camera along the river. It helped me chill out. Then when I found out the boys were coming tomorrow I snapped out of it. I didn’t sleep much last night. my brain wouldn’t let me. I didn’t eat this morning. I should know better. I ate, took a nap, and anxiety was better.
We found a beautiful small river by their grandparents cabin last week. Im hoping to spend more time up there. Beaver dams, big trout, and good fly hatches! flyfishing paradise!
216 days since my final relapse and life is good!
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Stay at it. I am only on day 2. Your honest story has brought me some hope.
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Things have been going pretty good for the most part. Fathers day was good. It was the first Fathers day in about ten years that I wasnt crying in my beer, or staying sober and wishing I was dead.
Ever since the boys were removed from my life holidays have been extremely painful
I normally spend holidays trying my best to pretend its just another day. I’d avoid social media so I didnt have to look at everyone celebrating their kids. I would be miserable. Drunk or sober.
When I started chainsaw carving, I’d spend Father’s day weekend in Reedsports chainsaw carving festival participating in the event. It was a great distraction but the fact that it was fathers day always tainted my experience. Its a great event for dads to take their kids to. It was everywhere.
I got alot of satisfaction carving. I was getting popular, and enjoyed all the compliments from the crowd. Its the only thing I’ve ever done where people tell me how incredibly talented and wonderful I am all day. I like it!
Its not like that on a construction site. Its definately not like that on a boat.
Even though I was having fun, I still had that festering wound in my heart.
Seeing the other carvers drink beer made me feel like I was missing out on something. My third carving event was when I decided to join them.
Seeing other carvers with their kids made me die a little bit more inside.
All the praise, I would get seemed meaningless.
That hole in my heart prevented any long term joy. The moments I felt good were overshadowed by the emptiness I felt inside.
Drinking beer helped distract me a little more, but i still felt the pain of my boys not being there.
You have to do a quick carve every day. You have an hour and fifteen minutes to carve something. Then they auction off the pieces at the end of the day. The highest sales price determines your placement for the day.
I carved a salmon bench. I had been drinking beer. When I finished the bench I had 3 to 4 hundred people gathered around me. I put it together and had ten minutes left.
I cracked a beer, sat on the bench, cheersed to the audience and chugged the beer. Crushed the can and threw it to the ground. The crowd loved it! They cheered. It felt awesome! My bench took first place for the day.
I was broke. The sales I made barely covered the expenses of getting to the show. I loved carving, people loved me, but it wasnt getting me anywhere financially. I needed money to see my kids. Pay court expenses, travel expenses, kid expenses, child support, etc, etc. I couldnt even pay my rent most of the time.
I wasnt starving because I fished. But I wasnt making much money then. Barely enough to pay the rent. I was on the wrong boats. I would trade fish for beer from one of the restaurants. I started selling a few benches from the liquor store. Sales werent great but it was enough to get booze. I’d stock up on booze when i made a sale. The liquor store has more than happy to pay me with booze.
That was when I shattered the no hard alcohol rule I had made for myself when i decided to drink again.
In a few months I had become a wreckless drunk, but I wasnt willing to admit it. I made sobriety into a punishment. My denial and willingness to keep trying to make it work grew stronger.
I had stayed sober for 9.5 years and it wasnt worth it. I’m never doing that again I told myself.
Its really nice to appreciate sobriety again. Its not a punishment. I feel greatful about it most of the time.
Over the last couple of weeks it been hard for me to get the boys to the river. Its not me or them. Its their mom. She sleeps all day, and by the time she gets rolling the day is over. When we have gone, its been late in the day. The day is over just as we are getting started.
I wanted to go on Fathers day, but she made dinner plans and we never made it. It was a nice dinner and a great day with the boys but I was dissapointed because she managed to kill another opportunity to flyfish.
I didnt say anything. I rolled with it, made the best of it. I stayed greatful for the first fathers day I wasnt crying in my beer or sober and wishing I was dead feeling dead inside.
Ive been rolling with it alot. I’ve done good. The time I have spent with my boys has been great. The sister gave us alternating weeks. Which is really cool.
It also coincides with her girlfriends kids visitation for their dad. Her girlfriends dropped them off, so I havent had to talk to her which i like.
Ive learned that she put my boys on antidepressant. My oldest is on prozac. My youngest is on zoloft. This bothers me alot.
Ive also learn about alot of shitty things she did to their mother. She tries to set her up to fail. I believe their mother. Her sister coached her to make it as hard as possible for me. One of her best friends is a good lawyer. I didnt stand a chance in the court room because of her.
She has done the same thing to their mom. I was never contacted. I didnt learn about it until it was to late.
Their mother isnt sober. Shes been drinking when they arent here. She justifies it, and minimalizes it. Typical alcoholic stuff. She claims she never drinks when they are around. Ive smelled alcohol on her. We arent romantically involved, so im not close enough to her to smell if she has been drinking or not all the time.
I used to get away with it on the boat. My skipper was very anti alcohol, but if I was hungover or snuck in a drink or two, I could avoid breathing around him. He never smelled it, or he would have said something.
She wanted to go to her parents cabin week before last. I wasnt working yet so I agreed to go. She asked if I would drive, so I did.
She drank on the way up there. Justifying it to me. Then when we got there, her dad was drinking whisky. She had a shot. Me being very uncomfortable and not knowing what to do. Went to bed.
When I first met her dad after I got here, they told me he didnt drink. Her new step mom said they didnt drink. Asked how my recovery was going and talked recovery and told me she has been active in AA and seemed to know the language. We actually had a great recovery conversation.
She drinks too.
This seems to be a common thing for me this year. People say they dont drink, but they do. WTF?!
So I spent my time up there hiking alone. Away from them. I had my camera to keep me sane. I had magical moments with the hummingbirds. They accepted me for the couple of days I was there.
The kids had gone with her sister to Oregon for a week. Third year in a row, i found out .She got the back in time for fathers day.
Im greatful for that but it has made it hard for me to take them fishing before I started working. Now Im working. I hate my job. I hate the city, and the traffic. I miss the ocean.
My boss from crab season asked me if I wanted to come and salmon and tuna fish because Randy, my coworker who has drug problems has been flaky.
My boss was sober when I started, but when I left he had been drinking. I didnt really want to salmon and tuna fish with him because of it before I left. Before the opportunity with my kids opened up. But i was tempted to go because of how uncomfortable its been here.
That made me feel like a giant selfish piece of shit. I promised my boys I would stay. I have to keep my promise.
I wont stand a chance at staying sober, fishing with an active drinker if I go, especially with the guilt of leaving.
After the first weekend we spent together as a “family”. All of us. The boys, their mother and me. It was fun. We all had a great time. It felt like it did before Zane died, and she relapsed. She put the moves on me, but I didnt respond. It was tempting.
It was too sudden and fast, but I was tempted, and I was still considering it a little. My sex life has been pretty non existant this year. I was vunerable, but my gut was telling me its a bad idea
The next day she had a guy over. They went into her room. I was playing fortnite online with my 13 year old we game when hes not here. Everyday. Its really cool.
I found myself feeling jealous, like you hit one me and the next day your fucking someone else? WTF!?.
I decided that I wont get involved. It reminded me of the past. I decided being jealous was stupid.
She told me a couple days later that he was a client. That made it even more ackward for me.
Shes had one other client here a few times since then. She told me she did a half gram of coke with him one night. I could tell she was wired, but chose to mind my business. She told me about it the next day.
She keeps hitting on me. Im disgusted by it now. We talked about it and alot of other things yesterday.
She even tried to pitch how she needs someone who understands that its just work and she comes home to the person shes committed to.
I told her i cant live like that. Im not the guy. She replied nobody can. I guess ill be alone. I didnt want to hurt her feelings. Ive been nervous about it because I keep rejecting her. I hope we have an understanding.
I dont condone or support what she does i cant control her. I never could, I never wanted to.
Our last fishing trip was a disaster. My kids both wanted to go, but stayed up all night playing video games. So getting them up was hard.
My goal was to get to the river by noon after letting them sleep till 10:30. The plan was to get out early. They all agreed, but all failed.
She took forever to get ready. We got to the river at 1:30. Just get settled in fishing and she calls them out for lunch. We had all been snacking on the drive. Nobody was hungry, but we all complied I was irritated.
Then she proceeded to hijack the rest of the day. We made it to the river, but didnt get much fishing in.
With all this bullshit adding up, i was feeling pretty homesick, wanting to accept the offer to go salmon and tuna fishing. I had to start work the next day.
A job I Hate, in a city I hate. My inner alcoholic was playing the fuck everything and destructive drink card.
I went to sleep and went to work. That was Friday. I got saturday and sunday off. No fishing. I didnt even try and push it. I just rolled with it. Had a good weekend with the boys and went to work today. We have them until the third.
Im at a loss for how to handle this.
I just know that drinking wont fix anything. I dont want to drink. My inner alcoholic tries. But fails. I plan to keep it that way.
There is so much more but this post is long already.
I stay in the boys room when they’re not here. I need to find other arrangements this would have been easy and cool if it wasnt for all the bullshit.
Im worried about another war starting between their mother and I.
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237 days since my final relapse!
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good on ya, jason!
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Ideal would be taking them back to Oregon with me. Theres alot of complications there too.
Their mom keeps saying she wants them in Oregon. We have talked about it a little but our conversations get so scattered. She goes off in a million directions and we never end up discussing solutions. Its not me. I try. Then we get interrupted. The kids, her phone. Something always distracts her away from any real solution.
I dont know why she keeps being so honest about what she does. Prostitution isnt legal in Utah. If I tried to use it against her, then a war would start.
The last time we battled in court. I had proof of things she had been doing. None of it was legal. There was proof of drug use, drinking and prostitution. The courts didn’t care.
I spent a fortune on lawyers.
I spent everything I had emotionally and spiritually. I was dead inside after that. It took a couple of years. It was miserable. I dont ever want to put myself through it again. There was so much lack of fairness. It changed me.
I stayed sober, but i was broken.
I’ve made huge progress this year in putting that all behind me. Now i feel like im re living it. When I first got here I was flooded by good memories. Lately its been flashbacks of the worst memories.
Lately I wonder if this is just some crazy mind fuck shes playing.
The best advise I was told was to listen to people mouths, and watch their feet. The feet never lie. Her feet are all over the place. Not heading anywhere.
Shes been through rehab numerous times. Her addictions have taken her to some horrible places. Rock bottom.
Thats where her feet seem to be pointing to the most. Another downward spiral. As a recovering alcoholic, I empathize, but I know I cant stop her. I dont want to make things hard for her. We need to be allies for the kids sake.
If anything it been good to witness her alcoholism become for brazen. I liten to all her justifications, and excuses. In a month I’ve seen it become stronger. Thats how powerful alcoholism is. The distorted thinking.
She makes it sound like she still prostitutes to take care of the family. She doesnt need to. Theres plenty of legit opportunities out there.
Shes had some horrific things happen out there in that world. Shes told me about some. Im sure theres alot more. Shes been raped numerous times. Kidnapped, and brutally beaten.She isnt happy I saw the tears flowing the other day when she talked about it.
I quit trying to save her a long time ago. I had to to save myself.
If we didnt have kids together I would have forgotten about her a long time ago.
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I hope you continue to save yourself. That’s the best thing you can do for your boys. You’re definitely in a difficult situation, but you’ve got to be back in your sons life. They need your positive influence. stay strong Jason.
Hopefully some of your sober influence will rub off on your kids mom as well. Really hoping for the best for all of you.
And don’t stress too much about the fishing, still a lot of summer left and the autumn months in Utah are amazing. Also a lot less crowded than in the summer!
Sending some strength your way.
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Jason, my dear, dear friend, I’m sorry things are the way they are. You know about acceptance, so I won’t go there. But if I may offer a different approach?
I know you want to be civil with the mother, but I think your best bet at this time is to be civil with the sister. I know there is a past there, and one that you aren’t happy about, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be a better future. SHE has custody of the kinds, not mom. SHE has been raising them while mom has been living in her disaster life. SHE is the one who is taking care of their needs. I think the first thing you could do is ask her WHY the kids are on antidepressants. With the way their life has been I feel that there is probably a legitimate reason. Having their mom so close, but so far away, has got to be traumatizing as all hell. Their lives haven’t been easy. But now that you are healthy it’s up to you to be the role model they need. It doesn’t matter that they live with the sister, she seems willing to let you into their lives. Now become a part of the solution with her and things will undoubtedly get easier. Stop worrying about your ex. She’s proven that she’s not going to change. Maybe ask the sister if you can start having some time with the kids that doesn’t involve your ex. Explain why. Try this angle because the mom angle isn’t going to work. It’s causing you waaay too much stress, anxiety, and is putting your resolve and strength in jeopardy. I don’t like it.
Also, get rid of the girl who watched you relapse in Hawaii. She offered you beer? Hell no. You can do better.
I know it’s so hard to see outside of what is surrounding you. So, as an outsider, I will tell you one thing… Take care of yourself first. If that means leaving mom in the dust and starting to build a relationship with the sister, DO IT! It will probably not be the easiest thing in the world to do, but trust me, the long game works soooo much better than the short game. And, from what I can tell, the goal of this whole thing is your kids.
You can tell me to fuck off, I’m totally okay with that, but I really think the sister is the one you should be trying to mend things with.
I love you, brother. Stay strong.
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All my favorite stretches of the Provo arent accessible anymore. Houses, neighborhoods, private property.
The development that has taken place in Utah county is insane!
I discovered Current Creek with my boys. That place is magical. Its pretty close to their grandparents cabin. We have fished it once. I’d like to spend more time there, but the X keeps messing it up.
We caught a pretty good mayfly hatch that evening. My oldest caught his first fish on a fly. My youngest came close. A big trout went to eat his parachute adams, but he moved the fly unintentionally, and spooked the fish.
The X doesnt seem to understand that flyfishing isnt a go down and catch a couple fish really quick and call it a day.
Its about being there as the oportunity unfolds and being ready for it. Becoming a part of it.
I asked them if they wanted a computer or flyfishing gear. They wanted flyfishing gear. I spent most of my money on it. Not using it adds to my frustration.
I had 500 bucks set aside. Bail out money in case shit went bad. As I’ve been spending it, my anxiety level has sky rocketed. Now that im working and replenishing it. I feel a little better.
Then I feel bad for being tempted to bail. I cant win. Other than staying sober. If I do that I’m winning!
Fishing through them helps keep me sane.
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I hear ya. Truth is i want to punch her sister in the throat more than anything. I cant because I’ll get in trouble, but if I could I would.
My hatred runs deep! I had forgivin my x because she helped make seeing my boys so easy. But the longer im around, the more resentments come back. She deserves a good punch in the throat too. But me being in jail wont help anyone.
Learning that the boys have been in oregon for the last three years didnt help my hatred towards the sister.
They boys go back there in a few days. I need to poke around while they are gone and find out my rights.
The courts may be my best option even though Id rather not.
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I grew up fishing and hunting in Current Creek and the mountains above there. One of my favorite places in the world! The ponds right below the dam can be amazing. You have to work a little, but I’ve seen the water boiling with risers when you hit it during a hatch. I rarely fish the Provo anymore unless I can get out on a week day.
My son has had a ton of success up at Tibble Fork in American Fork Canyon the last couple of weeks. He took his girlfriend fishing for her first time up there and they caught 19 in two hours! Problem is she now expects fishing to be that easy every time.
Keep staying strong, stay sober and focusing on the positives, mainly the relationship you’re rebuilding with your boys. Love following your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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