Its going pretty good.
My boys are here and im up early getting ready to go to their grandparents cabin for the weekend.
Theres a beautiful little trout stream close to the cabin.
I had a better week. It wasnt as hot, and work was busy. I made some money.
Last weekend I had four days off and I had told everyone I was getting four days off. So, we made plans accordingly.
I got to take them all day Thursday by myself. We went fishing and had a great day. It was the best day we have had together since I’ve been here.
Friday their mom wanted to come with us. And we were supposed to head up to the cabin last friday and stay until Sunday.
The sister cancelled and wanted the boys home by 8pm friday which ruined our plans. Their mom didnt even try and argue it. So we had to drop everything we had planned.
I was extremely dissapointed. It was pretty early in the day when I found out, and I had to fake being happy for the rest of the day.
We were up in the mountains. On the way back to the city, I started having huge anxiety. I hate the city. Traffic was horrible. I was dreading spending two days off without them in the city.
My head started screaming negativity. I was having a hard time not letting my anger, frustration and dissapointment ruin the rest of the day.
I realized I hadnt eaten much all day, so I took them to their favorite restaurant on their way back to the sisters hoping food would make me feel a little better.
It didn’t. After we dropped them off, I got worse. I was ready to start a war! I knew it wasnt in my best interests to do that, so I didnt.
I knew their mom was going to break out the booze the minute they left. I was correct. It added to my anxiety.
So I hid out in their room. Tried to work on my photos and videos, but lacked focus my mind wouldnt stop racing. I didnt sleep much. I tried unsuccessfully.
The next morning I was reading the forum and saw an inspirational post that hit home. It was what I needed to hear at that moment. I commented and the person messaged me to see if I was ok. It really helped me start to come down from my anxiety attack.
It was the worst attack Ive had.
Their mom came home and we talked. That helped me come back to reality.
It was an impending doom attack. I hate those. I get paranoid. Start thinking everyone and everything is out to get me. My self esteem and confidence turns into shit, and my inner alcoholic starts to get really loud. Fuck everything loud!
Im so far out of my comfort zone here. The boys make it tolerable.
Their mom is way to honest with me about what she does. While they are here she goes and does her thing while I watch them. I dont mind because I get to spend more one on one time, but It puts me in a position where I have to cover for her. I dont like that.
When they arent here, I never know what kind of ackward situation is going to take place. I dont like that either.
Sunday night at 9:30 she asked me to leave for a few hours. Which I did, but its weird knowing what shes doing, and coming back to that.
She prostitutes.
She went out of town for the week which was nice. I worked and had no ackwardness to deal with.
I havent had any luck at finding a place that doesn’t cost alot to get into. Id have to save and have no money to do anything with the boys.
So I keep staying here.
If I say anything or do anything it will start a war, and I will end up going back to Oregon and hate myself for not being able to keep my word.
So I roll with it…
I get to spend quality time with them this weekend so its worth it.
Shes going to be “working” out of town more often which is good too.
Just taking everything one day at a time. Getting through the summer trying to figure out how to make it better for me long term.
If I was drinking, id have burned this place down by now. So I’m greatful I havent drank. 263 days since my final relapse!
Do you meditate at all? Helps a lot with my anxiety.