It’s amazing how sobriety gives you such an appreciation for life again and all the things around us. My senses are like 1000 times better. And yes vent more! Even if it’s just journaling or talking to yourself. I do it all the time. Feels good after. Sucks to keep shit bottled up… it needs somewhere to go.
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Man oh man… I read this thread start to finish. You are a huge inspiration! The struggles you articulated and feelings really resonate. I hope for you so much! You have really had all of the perspective… I really appreciate your candor and experience. We are all rooting for you!
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Thanks! It helps aot having people in my corner!
I forced myself to eat a good meal last night. I got some good sleep. My anxiety is much better today.
I have a half days worth of work today, so I can keep busy and not be cooped up in that apartment hiding in my kids room from her insanity.
She was supposed to leave Tuesday. Her suitcase is by the door, so hopefully shes gone when I get off work. This week should be alot easier for me.
I havent heard anything about weather the boys are going to be able to come this weekend.
I suspect its not going to happen.
I’ve been wanting to skydive. I’ve never done it. This weekend might be the time to do it.
I was thinking about doing it last weekend but I decided to save the money for the Green river trip.
Junping out of a perfectly good airplane sounds safer than jumping down the rabbit hole of alcoholism.
Four more weeks till I can leave this city!
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Awesome! Definitely jump… It’s amazing and you have a natural high alllll day! Keep going and keep inspiring us. Thanks!
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Their moms trip was postponed because she is a trainwreck.
I have been reluctant to share too many details, because I dont really feel comfortable sharing other peoples stories.
Ive also been a little paranoid about her finding this site and reading it.
This thread had been really good for me. And its my story as I have journeyed oth path of recovery. Long term sobriety is my goal.
The support I have recieved here has helped me navigate some challenging situations. I still need it.
This thread helped me not take my final relapse to what could be my final breath. Thats how drinking is for me. If I put one drink into my system, I flirt with death. Not a pleasant or noble death.
I’ve spun the chamber of the russian roulette gun of alcoholism so many times that my fatal bullet is waiting patiently.
I sometimes think about sharing this place with people in my life that could use it. Like my kids mom, or my crab skipper. But then I cant vent honestly. It takes away from me. Its a selfish program.
I found this place. If they seek they can find just as I did. Hopefully they are in a place where they are improving their life, and I no longer have to vent about them.
The details I have been withholding about their mom is pure insanity. I have never been so far out of my comfort zone. If I was still drunk, I would still be way out of my comfort zone.
Because Im not drunk, i have been able to navigate through this insanity without letting my emotions build up into an anger that I cant control.
Im angry drunk! I would have blown the opportunity to reconnect with my kids. I would never even made it here because my anger would have killed it on the phone.
My anger is valid in regards to the situation with my kids. Anyone would be angry.
I had forgiven their mom when she made it really easy to come here. That felt good. I dont want to pick up that toxic resentment ever again.
The longer I’m here the harder it is not to pick it back up. Now, I could make it bigger.
Im trying to look at her as a sick friend. She is in relapse mode. Barely keeping it together. I’ve witnessed it progress. Thats been good for me. She uses all the excuses I use when I’m in relapse mode.
Its the perfect reflection to see while Im so far out of my comfort zone. Its helped me not drink her alcohol when im here by myself, and my inner alcoholic is working me.
She has managed to kill any fishing with the boys plans I’ve had. Between her and the sister, its been 98 percent of the time. Its beyond frustrating!
We went to the zoo yesterday. With our youngest. Hes 13.
We had a great time.
We were all supposed to go Saturday. My oldest too. It was his idea from the previous visit. But she managed to mess that up.
She lives in her own time zone. Shes late for everything. The boys and I are always waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting 90 percent of the time that I’ve been here.
My oldest cancelled on yesterday, probably because hes tired of waiting for her. She will have them get ready and then make them wait. She does it to all of us.
Its hard for me to be happy because I cancelled an epic trip on the Green River. I managed to talk myeslf into a good attitude regardless. I do that while I wait. 
there is plenty of time for that.
My youngest unprovoked yesterday started cracking jokes about things to do while waiting on mom. “Graduate colledge” “Dig a hole to China” i was dying laughing!
Shes using meth. Its obvious. When the boys arent here, its really obvious. I know from experience that days fly by. 6 hours feels like 1. Shes not even close to being done yet. She has hit harder bottoms than I have. Over and over.
She wants to be the Heidi Fleiss of Utah.
Not being romantically involved with her has allowed me to not judge her for what she does, but its illegal. I need to get out of here before she gets raided.
Shes not happy. Ive witness alot, and she shares things with me, that i dont want or need to hear, but I roll with it, and I see and feel the emptiness in her soul.
Im grateful I didnt fall for her advances before she revealed that she really hasnt changed at all.
3 more weeks. School starts. My summer promise will be fullfilled.
Even though I hate the sister having them. Its a safety net.
I called her on a couple of mild things yesterday after the zoo. I was really nice about it. Non confrontational. I suggested she doesn’t drink at all when the kids are here. If I can smell it, I’m sure they can too was what I said.
I felt the discomfort immediately. I regretted saying it immediately.
She went back inside petty quickly, clearly upset.
5 minutes later, I get this text.
I have been walking my tight ropes in this situation you have newly arrived to for the decade you have been absent. I have told you everything and let you into my world. I have shared every moment I have had with kids with you this summer so you could have more and you may not take my inventory especially not when your staying in my home present in my life that I have completely overturned to bring you into it. I absolutely want more involvement and say in their lives I want my relationships with them renewed just like you want for yourself. It’s taken me years to get to where I am and I really need refocus on myself without the needs of other people and situations. I need my house back my time back all of it before I lose everything I have. I think all of us the kids too are exhausted by the change and emotions of this number and we all should take a breath.
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I went back in and tried to talk, she wasnt interested.
I said school starts im going home at the end of the month. Everyone is getting their break then. Ive got to finish my promise.
She started crying, saying shes not kicking me out. Then she made dinner. My 13 years old is still here, so we ate with the giant elephant in the room.
Just like old times.
Work was supposed to happen today but it didnt. Everyone is still sleeping.
I did find a social distance meeting schedule. Im looking forward to going to one.
Overall my visit has been extremely healing. Discomfort is healing in recovery. Feeling it, and processing is sober is priceless!
280 days!
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Thank you!!
Made my day!
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Their mom and I talked yesterday. Our last week of visitation ends on Sept 4th. Im going to book a flight out of here on the 5th. Im going to talk to my boss here and see whats going on. Work has been slow because windows havent got here yet, but Thurday should have us buried in work.
I may stay longer to help him and because Tuna season is pretty much over. At least the lucrative season is. Like always, price drops because of flooded market. So i wont have the opportunity to make much money.
With these kids back in my life I need as much money as possible. I grateful for that!
Their mom and I both agree that we can stay friends, and tolerate eachother living under the same roof for a few more weeks.
I hit home with my statements. Her first reaction was to retaliate by getting rid of me. Now, she is acknowledging the issue. Hopefully it helps her get back on track. But that is none of my business. I prefer it that way too.
I have been working really hard on forgiving the sister. Everytime she blocks positive time with my kids, it triggers me.
When I get back home, im going to start communicating with her directly, without their mom being around to make it even less comfortable.
Navigating through what I already have been doing gives me the confidence to believe I can do it with her.
I broke the news to my youngest that I would be leaving soon. His face looked sad, but I reassured him that I would be working hard to create a better year for everyone next year, and hopefully we can just have fun without anyone interfering with our time together.
I told him that he is getting old enough to have a voice and he could come visit anytime he wants. His expression turned to happiness, and we had a great day.
I took him school clothes shopping, and the gave him a tour of where I grew up. Got Ice cream, and looked at the photos I took at the zoo.
Even though we werent on the river. It was a magical day!
I havent bad mouthed anybody to my kids. I plan to keep it that way.
I feel focused, and stronger in my sobriety today than I have since I got back on the path.
I need to continue to work hard.
When I was sober for 9 years there were alot of moments where I truly believed I would never drink again, and my inner alcoholic still got me.
Never take recovery for granted. It so easy to take that first drink. Its much more difficult to recover.
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I wont stay here if I do end up staying in SLC a little longer. Im done with her insanity.
The insanity that occurs in my own head is more than enough for me.
Im getting better at controlling it.
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Even though I have a good crabbing position open waiting for me. Im still a free agent! Im the rare, sober, fishy crew guy everyone is looking for!
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Soooo happy hearing about your connection with the boys!
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Yesterday my kiddo went back to the sister while I was at work. I knew this was going to happen, so I prepared myself for it.
Their mom had told me her plans for the weekend on Wednesday.
She was planning on having a film crew come over to shoot some kind of porn movie. As she starts telling me the details I stopped her.
I told her I dont need to know the details of what you have planned this weekend. I dont need to know any details about anything you do. I was polite. I told her im not comfortable hearing about what she does. Its none of my business.
So I asked her if we could go hiking with my kid on Thursday night. Do something fun before we went back to the sisters.
She agreed. I worked thursday and was texting her letting her know what time i was getting off work. 6. No reply. All day. Its a group teaxt her and both of my kiddos are in. My youngest kept replying to my texts, but not her.
So when I got back to her apartment. He was ready, but she was sleeping. She had been sleeping all day.
I made dinner hoping she would wake up. She didnt. We ate dinner, I showered. She still slept.
My kid woke her up, and then we were stuck in her Time vortex. Where we wait, and we wait, then we wait some more.
She was managing to ruin my last evening to have some fun with my son. As usual.
We ended up going without her because dhe didnt feel like it, but she had managed to make us late. Like always.
I made the best of it.
I went to work the next day feeling pretty resentful. I decided I was going to spend the weekend away from her insanity. Every time the boys leave alcohol enters the house. I didnt want to be around it. I was having some cravings. My inner alcoholic was working me from the fuck everything angle.
Then she sends me some shitty texts how she wants me to spend the weekend somewhere else because she needs a break.
I was fine with that because I was already on that page. I was annoyed because when we had plans the previous day she wasnt available. Now she is.
Then she asked me if I got my plane tickets yet. Like she was pushing me out of the door. That annoyed me immensely. Im working. Does she really have to do this right now? Of course she does.
My anger was triggered. My craving grew stronger. I remembered about the AA meeting shedule I took a picture of. I decided to have my boss drop me off at the Alano club. The meeting started at 8. It was 5
I sat on the bench under a big tree in the shade. I felt better just being there.
10 minutes later a guy approached me asking if he could talk. I said sure, have a seat. He is four months sober having a rough time. Perfect!
We talked for a couple of hours, had a meeting before the meeting. My cravings were gone. We went to the meeting and both got our chips. He got his 90 day, I got my nine months. There was another meeting immediately after. I went to that one too. They asked if anyone was celebrating ten months. I stood up, and got a 10 month chip. I didnt even know they made those.
I shared my story, how I relapsed with almost ten years, and how hard it was to come back.
After the meeting many people came and told me how they appreciated what I shared. I ended up hanging out with several people. One guys story was very similar to mine. Time sober, time spent in relapse mode, etc. We all went for food, and I didnt get back to my exes apartment until 3am.
They invited me to an all day crystal meth anonymous event, which Im going to. I asked him to be my temporary sponsor. He agreed. He has been sober for three years. Our stories are very similar.
Im feeling great this morning. A drink feels far away again. It works if you work it. My safety net got much bigger!
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I’m glad your night ended that way; talk about divine intervention. And congratulations on your time; I can see the growth from here since you’ve been there.
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This has been a test of patience! I have passed with flying colors. Feeling pretty good about it today!
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That’s great! Can’t wait until you resolve that toxic situation that is invading you with negativity. Sounds rough! You survived
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Next year, my time with the boys is going to be different, much different. Im not going to waste it stuck in her time vortex. Ive been looming i to my rights. I have alot more than I realized.
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Such a beautiful and moving story! Thanks for sharing. 
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Congrats on 10 months Jason!! Sorry I’m late to your party. I was about a week behind on reading your story. I normally try to keep up but life gets in the way. I want to tell you… you’ve been doing absolutely amazing with how you’re handling your current situation with the ex. I applaud your strength and determination. I love reading how you and your kids are building this new great life together. I hope you enjoy your last couple weeks and can’t wait to hear all about it.
Btw…you can always start a thread in the lounge to vent about the stuff you don’t want your ex or boss to read.
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Thanks @Lisa07!
Thats a great idea! I havent vented as much as I should because of that worry. Getting closer to the finish line this summer.the closer I get the less I care about sharing here. It would be safer there though. If she was to read this now, it could make the final stretch rocky.
The finish line for summer contact and bonding. Now its the starting line for getting my rights back!
I appreciate your support!
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Wow!!! Amazing!! Your story made me think of
Zacchaeus the Tax Collector
Luke 19:3-6
3 He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. 4 So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.
5 When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” 6 So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.
You were sitting under that tree and God sent you exactlywhat you needed.
Wow!!
You my new friend are fucking awesome!!
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