Alcoholic fisherman in recovery

[JasonFisher]

I’ve been back on the fishing grind the last 5 days.

My current boss bought the very first boat I ever got paid to fish on last year. Its a small boat. The smallest boat on the fleet. It has a near shore permit. That permit targets bottomfish. Ling cod, cabezon, and several species of rock fish,

Its to small to fish anything but rod and reel. Its like hardcore sportfishing with generous limits. Its really fun! He has me run it most of the time which I love because its like a paid vacation. I’m the skipper. I call the shots. Nobody tells me what to do. I like that.

Most of my life I have been self employed.

My tweeky co-worker got to go on this salmon opener. The salmon fishery is supposed to be mine. Now we are taking turns. I find this pretty frustrating. Being able to fish the small boat eases the frustration a little.

My gut thinks that he likes taking tweeky because he will never say anything about skippers drinking.

The salmon boat broke down on the first day of their trip. I’ve been helping fix it the last two days. We got it. Tomorrow we are going to bring the crab gear back to land. Crab season will officially be over Tuesday afternoon for me.

Two sober seasons under my belt feels pretty amazing!

I fished the small boat with Matt the first day. I’ve missed him. It was recovery vs the insanity of a drug addict and an alcoholic when he was around. We had fun!

The second day I fished with my best friend who I hardly ever see anymore because he’s still a drunk. It was nice spending a sober day with him. We had fun!

The third day, nobody could go. I have never gone by myself before. I was pretty nervous about it, but decided to go. That was fun! The bite has been pretty slow this week, but I caught more fish by myself then either day that I had help.

Having a beer to celebrate didn’t even cross my mind.

On my days off I have been riding my bike, with my cameras. Taking timelapses with my action cams. Flying my drone taking photos and video and shooting with my canon. Immersing myself in nature and loving every second of it.

I love life again! I feel good about myself again! Confidant and humble.

Today, I’m going to work on finishing YouTube videos, editing photos and catching up on things I need to do. I’m going to eat good, and get ready to stack out our crab gear tomorrow. Self care. I never used to practice self care. I like it!

Feeling grateful to be alive on day 564!

[JasonFisher]

I want to share about that small boat. Its a good story.

It was just before I relapsed. I was chainsaw carving full time. I was a starving artist.

I had a studio on highway 101. It was in town. This town.

People are fascinated by carving. Id carve outside and people always want to talk to me. It gets annoying, but what can ya do? I cant be a dick and scare off a possible commission so I would always chat with people who gathered around to watch me.

One day a guy towing his boat stops and we start talking. He tells me he is a commercial fisherman. I hit him up to go. He said yes. I was just going out for fun, not expecting any money.

As we were talking out on the water He shared that he was in recovery. He had been clean and sober for 13 years. I had been clean and sober for 8. We hit it off. We had a great day. I had been a die hard sport fisherman for over 20 years so I caught alot of fish. He payed me at the end of the day, and offered me a job.

I had so much fun that I accepted. I had never made money fishing before. I thought this was the coolest thing ever.

I fished with him for over a year. He had a temper. He had done prison time for violent crimes. He lost his temper on the boat a few times and made me feel really uncomfortable. I quit. Its a small boat and it feels really small when someone’s losing his temper over mistakes he makes while screaming at you. This wasn’t fun anymore.

I got my first real commercial fishing job after that because I loved commercial fishing. I got my first job on a crab boat.

I left this town for a while on another business adventure that didn’t pan out. I heard he was back on the drugs. When I was working on the prison boat I ran into him at the dock. He was twacked out of his mind. Meth psychosis. He was sharing his paranoid delusions with me.

It made me sad for him. I suggested he get some sleep.

A couple years later he sold the boat and permit to my boss. I was wishing I had the cash at the time. but I didn’t. This was just after I started working with current employer. My boss and I joked about this chunk of money being his demise. It ended up becoming true.

He is on my facebook friends. I was pretty bored with Facebook but his crazy posts kept me watching his feed. While I was in Utah last summer He facebooked live . He was in psychosis. Got in a high speed chase with the cops, and ended up cuffed and stuffed. Its the last thing he posted. He has been in jail since awaiting prison sentencing.

He had everything. He lost it all.

Relapse doesn’t care how long you have been sober. How far you’ve come from your last bottom, or how smart you are.

Dont relapse!

[Girlinterrupted]

Very important message here! I’ve watched many go down with lots of time under their belts. Cockiness is the kiss of death.

Also, we can’t save someone else. I remember my brother-in-law relapsing after 12 years of sobriety. He had dental work, took pain pills, and he was back in his addiction stronger than ever. Crashing multiple cars, rentals, cleaned out his and my sister’s savings. Well, his, she didn’t work at the time. At his request, I drove him to AA meetings every day (I was in AA at the time, about 10 years ago), I propped his ass up in chairs day in and day out, helped with his responsibilities as my sister was done with him, acted as his advocate for a rehab he paid for and then left 2 days later. Do you know what happened to me? I relapsed and the next thing I knew, we were drinking together and crying in our Cheerios

[JasonFisher]

All it took was two beers for me to feel alienated towards AA. All that time, all those friendships, everything I learned didnt matter anymore. It was all downhill from that point.

That dude who lost everything wasnt exactly a stand up guy. I dont like him. But I feel sad for him. I think about him everytime im enjoying the scenery out there. Knowing the scenery isnt so hot where he’s at.

[JasonFisher]

Headed in with our first load of gear. Two more to go…

[JasonFisher]

I got a vodeo almost done yesterday.

[JasonFisher]

Weathered the storm…

I was in a huge funk before the halibut trip.

Recovery is full of easy sayings that really do help. One day at a time… Came, came to, came to believe… Put the plug in the jug… This too shall pass…

One of my favorite acronyms is S.I.N. Self inflicted nonsense. Being spiritually challenged like I am. That one has always stuck.

Sometimes I fall back into that one so easily. My head creates so much nonsense. I have to think about my thinking without over thinking. Its challenging!

Its like mental masturbation! My mind is constantly trying trying to fuck itself from every angle it can. There are a lot of angles.

The alcoholic thinking mind fuck angle is a whole universe of mind fucks by itself.

Then we throw dealing with life in lifes terms in there and we have a mind fuck universe explosion that creates new galaxies of mind fucking opportunities.

After we stacked out our crab gear I started thinking about visiting SLC again to see my kids.

I was feeling fantastic! Strong in recovery, my self esteem was really good. I felt confidant. I was high on life! I did not want to go to SLC. I want them to come to Oregon.

We kept grinding on other fisheries. I never got a break to arrange anything.

This crab season wasn’t that good. Last crab season was. I had money last summer.

I was willing to work in SLC last year. This year I’m not. It was torture last year. Hot! The job was boring, outside in the sun. Heavier lifting than crabbing, getting attacked by yellow jackets, and biting flies. 100 plus degrees.

Knowing they were halibut fishing without me was torture while I was working there. Tuna and salmon too.

I have a million reasons why I’d rather not do more time in SLC and I chose to stay home. I mind fucked myself into feeling guilty for being selfish for not going. I even mind fucked myself into feeling guilty for buying the cameras I bought.

I pretty much managed to mind fuck myself into feeling like a selfish piece of shit.

When my boss went out of town my inner alcoholic starts mind fuckin me with the nobodies around, a couple of beers wont hurt, nobody will know. Your a selfish piece of shit anyways. Do what you want.

Its pretty easy to shoot those drinking thought down but that selfish piece of shit angle was working me. I had some pretty strong cravings, The kind that make your mouth water because a beer sounds so good.

I kept working my recovery routine. Visiting this place. Memes. Nature, photography. I went to meetings. Worked on my videos. I even broke out my paints. That felt really good!

The halibut trip was awesome! We got em! I made enough money to do something really nice for my boys. I got amazing footage! I got my adrenaline/adventure fix! Got some time to think, reflect and refocus.

My boys texted me happy fathers day. I’m going to call them and figure out what we are going to do this summer later today.

Skipper brought enough beer to have a couple at the end of the day, but ended up drinking them all the first night and didn’t feel good for the rest of the trip. A six pack of tall boys and a box of wine. pretty much what have been a night of good behavior drinking for me. I’m glad I don’t live like that anymore.

Tweekys been dancing with Mr. Brownstone. He didn’t manage enough dope for the trip and was belly up, dope sick for the trip. He is a good poster child for why I’m glad I don’t do drugs!

I’m feeling really good!

Weathered a storm created by my own mind more treacherous than anything the Pacific Ocean has to offer. Why do I do that to myself? Something to work on…

[Hazy]

I like S.I.N …self inflicted nonsense…
.more like S.I.B.S at times (B-bull S-shit , cos I prefer swearwords!)

[JasonFisher]

Love it!

[Hazy]

,I am very bored today Jason, 82nd day and proper feeling boredom,so gonna look out for me looking to make a swear party somewhere

[JasonFisher]

Sometimes I go out in the woods and yell cuss words! its good therapy! Shaking my fist towards the sky screaming WHY!! makes me feel better too.

[franksmom0]

Thank you for sharing your story. I applaud you for making the changes you need for your sobriety.

[Dazercat]

Always a good share. Thanks.

[Dazercat]

Good luck with your phone call with your boys. I have a feeling sober Dad is going to figure something out. I know you know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s ok to be selfish in your recovery. Especially since you’re not really being selfish. You deserve all that good shit that makes you happy. Drones. Cameras etc…. And you’re a bad ass sober Dad.

[DLS]

I wish you could see YOU as others do, like us here,
You’ve got a lot of life still yet to live and you’re doing it the right way.
Be proud and push on to the next chapter!
I can’t wait to read your book, I know it’s a page turner!

[Dazercat]

Thanks for the affirmation yesterday. I don’t know what’s better. Laughter or music. But I sure love to laugh. I make sure I get my fill of both every day. Thanks to you sir, leading the way on here, and making it possible for people like me to get to where I am today.

I’m still listening to the audio of the Big Book. I think I found my story. I don’t know how important that is. I’m sure my story isn’t unique. But Part Two. They Stopped In Time. Chapter 4. Physician Heal Thyself. Except I’m not a doctor. . They mention skid row. I think I was on “The Skid row of success.” As they put it. A freakin light went off in my head. Cuz ya know. Sometimes I think I wasn’t that bad. Anyway…………
I could relate so much to his story. I’ve already listened to it twice.
Be safe out there. Wherever you are.

[JasonFisher]

You’ve had a really positive influence on my recovery too.

I love the memes thread. I giggle a lot reading others posts, finding memes and while sharing them. I start my day there most of the time. Coffee and memes! its a great way to start the day. It puts me in a good mood. It makes it easier to be happy throughout the rest of the day.

I love it when I get a break while fishing or I’m headed in and there are a bunch of memes to catch up on.

The big book has a way of hitting some hard truths in a way I can hear them. There are so many that resonate hard with me. Like incomprehensible demoralization. The first time I heard those words I knew what that was.

The hideous four horseman in chapter 11. I had been partying with those guys for a long time. They weren’t very much fun. Hindsight being 20/20, now I realize that when they crash the party they don’t leave. Once they come around they always will.

Before my big relapse, big book thumpers use to annoy me. Now I’ve become one.

Hindsight being 20/20 I never let go of the idea that I could one day drink like a normal person. I knew the drugs were bad. I thought I surrendered. I never actually fully conceded to my innermost self like it says in Chapter 3.

I think the book is full of messages that go over peoples heads until they are ready to hear them. That one did . Now, I hear it loud and clear!

I haven’t read the stories in the back since I’ve been back. I should. I’d bet there are a lot of gold nuggets of good recovery in other peoples stories that I’d relate to.

The first edition is stories from the earliest members. Each addition has different stories in the back. The first 164 pages have never changed throughout the newer versions.

We just finished baiting for the halibut opener. I get tomorrow off. The fourth was always a big drinking excuse for me. Im not feeling any temptation or desire to drink.

Its looking like its going to be windy this halibut trip. I like knowing I will be on my A game in hazardous conditions.

[SinceIAwoke]

@JasonFisher

the book is full of messages that go over peoples heads until they are ready to hear them

When you’re ready, you’re ready. And not before.

It was 18 years from my first meetings until I got permanently sober. That first little stint (30 days, maybe 90) of going to meetings and having a sponsor showed me a few things.

1. My wife wasn’t going to let me back in the house just because I stopped drinking. We were divorced within a couple of years after this.
2. I picked up a sponsor and a Big Book. I listened to the sponsor long enough to figure out that he meant for me to not drink again, ever, and I thought that was kind of radically unnecessary. I kept the book for years, hauling it to progressively shabbier apartments. I would occasionally read it, sometimes beer in hand.
3. They succeeded in planting the idea in my head that I am an alcoholic and my drinking was going to get progressively worse. The first time I read Step 1 in the 12 and 12, I immediately and strongly identified with this sentence.

Following every spree, he would say to himself “Maybe those AAs were right”…

4. They succeeded in planting the idea in my head that the AA program works when properly applied.

In the intervening years, my drinking got worse and the consequences got worse. I would occasionally return to AA or rehab (where they spoke AA) to hide out, to make a show of “trying”, to gain enough points to be able to return, as soon as possible, to drinking the way I wanted to. What happened was that I lived long enough (and many don’t) and when the time came that I was ready, I knew where to go. When I got there and New York Dennis asked me “Are you done yet?”, I could truthfully answer “Yes”.

[JasonFisher]

It boggles my mind at how many times I had to hit that brick wall and how hard.

I was just reflecting on my first 4th of July after I relapsed. In six months I had shattered every rule I made for myself in regards to trying to drink like a gentleman. I was staggering drunk by 10 AM. I had made scurvy friends who I spent most of my time with. I blacked out and made a giant ass out of myself. I heard about it from a lot of different people for weeks after the holiday was over. I was so determined to make drinking work for me that I kept trying. Cunning, baffling, powerful…

We are the fortunate ones.

“Everything is going to be alright!” I think of that a lot when the shit hits the fan in my head. I appreciate you! You’ve had my back from the day I found this place!

[Mbwoman]

Jason…I always enjoy your posts! So glad you are in the place you are now. Had some sh*tty thinking going on there, huh? Glad you made it through.