Yeah my head was playing games trying to feed my inner alcoholic enough fuel to trick me. I’m feeling much better!
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My attention span is like nil. Especially with reading. Sometimes I listen to the same chapter 3 times if that’s what it takes. Not in a row. But when I get back to it.
You still in my prayers JF.
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In my previous recovery I was reading and learning. I got alot out of the book then. I went to Big book meetings. We would read and discuss what chapter we were reading. It was open discussion of how people related to what was being said. I felt that it helped me fully understand it better.
In my favorite chapter. Chapter three. Third paragraph:
“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
I had read and listened to that simple paragraph hundreds of times. Yet, I had not fully conceded to my innermost self. It says its the first step. I had worked the 12 steps multiple times. I had a good understanding of the principles behind the steps. I had the benefits of working the steps. I had solid recovery for a long time.
I had surrendered, but I still had the ability to pick up the battle again.
There was alot of factors that slowly but surely gave my desire to drink like a normal person enough reasons to act upon it. My inner alcoholic tricked me.
From there my alcoholic thinking warped everything I thought I knew about recovery into reasons AA didnt work for me.
If I fully conceded it means I know I’ve lost the war. There is no need to battle any longer. I get that now. I didnt back then.
My inner alcoholic tries to mind fuck sentences from the book into reasons I can drink again.
Paragraph 5 Chapter 3:
“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about- face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!”
I convinced myself I would be one of the people they take their hats off to. Its kinda funny now, but that thought almost got me killed.
Reading your response, I feel like you still have a lot of fear about failing in recovery and ending up back out there.
That’s a good thing. I lost that fear.
I had it when I got clean and sober in 2002. I started losing the fear in 2008. I also had alot of bad things happen. Life on lifes terms. I felt like if this is as good as life gets sober then maybe its not worth it. I also got introduced to the idea that if you have resolved the issues from your past that helped create the addict you became then you would never allow yourself to fall like that again. My inner alcoholic loved that idea. My research proved it false.
I mostly listen to audio these days. I listen to it while I do creative things. Sometimes I hear something and stop and meditate on it. I have a very short attention span. Its hard for me to sit down and read and take it all in.
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Everyone else knew before I did that I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. And when I stopped fighting recovery, I found I did not need to fight alcoholism.
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Hey. I stopped in to share something with ya if you’re interested.
Stella turned me on to this AA Speaker Mark Houston. I been enjoying most of it. Especially when he sounds like George Carlin 
. He’s got some great points. It’s a little long at 3 hours 
but I been just listening to it on my walks in pieces. I needed a break from the big book audio. Anyway. Just thought I’d share it with you. Thought you might like his style.
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Thanks! I’ve been working on my videos and letting YouTube run in the background since I shared Chapter3 earlier. There has been some good speakers. Im in speaker meeting mode today. Perfect!
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Walking though town I saw this pre WWII pic. Strangely enough it made me think of you Jason. It’s an Atlantic fish after all.
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Wow! That is a monster tuna! We get albacore and the biggest albacore ever caught was 90 pounds. The biggest I have ever caught is 39 pounds. They average 10 to 25 pounds. They are strong, hard fighters. I can only imagine how strong that massive bluefin is!
Bluefins are caught here occasionally. Usually when El Nino happens. Ever few year warm southern currents come through. We caught some blue fin 3 years ago. They were small albacore size. The fish were coming on so fast that we didn’t notice they weren’t albacore. The fish buyer noticed when we sold our load.
Last trip me and my skipper saw a huge Mako shark jump out of the water 20 feet in the air and do a back flip. A few years ago a huge Thresher shark was attacking our lures with its tail fin. it cracked just like a whip. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.
Tuna fishing is bloody. there’s a constant trail of blood coming off the boat when fishing is good. I’ve seen a 25 foot Great White. Huge salmon sharks. Blue sharks are abundant out there.
Australia has done a lot of good things for the Bluefin Tuna. They are making a comeback. I want to go fishing there!
Thats an awesome photo! Thank for sharing!
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Seen some documentaries on tuna fishing. A bit too bloody for a (over)sensitive city boy like me. I do like a good tuna steak though. I can imagine that it must be very exiting to fight big ones. I just hope efforts to keep fishing sustainable are successful.
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Most fisheries are sustainable. Everyone has to follow the rules for it to work. In my waters we have quotas, once you catch your share you are done. I’ve been commercial fishing for 12 years. I haven’t seen any decline.
Habitat restoration efforts are working. We reversed a lot of the damage that happened over the last century. There’s still a lot of work to do.
Our waters are one of the healthiest in the world.
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Here’s an update on how I’ve been doing.
I’ve been feeling pretty content. Its not normal for me to feel this content for this long.
I haven’t had any mental melt downs since June. No mind melting cravings. When I was in Charleston delivering tuna a few weeks ago, I was by myself. Skipper and my tweeky co-worker went home for the night and I stayed on the boat. We had an appointment to offload tuna the next day. Charleston is an hour drive from home, or a five hour boat ride.
I walked past a bar/restaurant that I’ve had fun at. For a moment I felt a wave of sadness that I couldn’t go in there. Then I realized I could. I accepted its not in my best interest. It quickly changed to a feeling of relief. I had my camera and my drone, I forgot about it quickly as I passed it.
We left the boat there for a week waiting for the wind to come down. When we went back up, Skipper wanted to have dinner there. When the hostess asked us where we wanted to sit, skipper said in the bar.
At first it was awkward seeing bottles of every kind of booze they make on the wall. Skipper ordered a beer and a double shot. He drank the shot the instant it hit the table and ordered another. Repeat.
By the time dinner made it, he had four double shots in him and was on his third beer. That was me.
I’ve seen his drinking progress quickly since I started fishing with him. He was sober when I started.
Instead of being attracted to it like I feared, I felt sad for him. By the time we left he had six double shots and four beers. When we got back to the boat he broke out the boxed wine. I grabbed my camera and left. We were heading out at 3am. It was around 8pm.
He was still sipping his wine an hour later. I hit my bunk and got some sleep. No cravings, no sadness that I was missing out on anything fun. I felt gratitude as I fell asleep and added another 24 hours to my sobriety.
The 2nd trip wasn’t as good as our first. The fish weren’t in the same area and there was a lot of slow time between bites. Skipper was drinking beer, and Tweeky kept sneaking hits off his meth pipe.
Instead of wanting to punch him in the face like I normally do when he does that. All I could do was laugh about it. His sneakiness makes it even more obvious. He thinks he is being sly. Nobody knows… I did that. I’m sure everyone knew also. Once again I felt a wave of gratitude!
Its blowing again. I’ve had four or five days off and I’ve been able to do a lot of work on my videos. That makes me grateful.
Skipper went to a concert. His girl posted pictures of them on Facebook. He looks hammered!
Tweeky is homeless by choice. We made plenty of money halibut fishing. Once again he has nothing to show for it.
I’ve been saving. There’s a boat I have my eye on. It was available before crab season. I was hoping to buy it, but crabbing wasn’t as lucrative as it usually is. I spent most of my crab money on cameras.
I’m half way there. My first crab check next season will cover the rest.
Self employment here I come! 
A drink will fuck it all up! Its the last thing I want!
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my past and letting shit go like crazy. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Anger, Guilt, shame, regrets are losing their power over me!
I live next to a bar. I walked past it last night. It was packed. I didn’t recognize any vehicles. I’ve been gone long enough for that to change! That made me happy!
Recovery is good!
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Ya it is.
Atta Boy
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I’m sorry but this made me chuckle, 
Im so happy for you, you’re a great example of how to live your best life, Jason! 
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Hey buddy. I stumbled across this speaker today on my 3 mile walk. He’s hilarious 
And he does have a good message in here too. I just enjoy the way he puts things and made me think. Just thought I’d pass it along to ya. Maybe you’ve heard of him.
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Nice! i will listen to it. Thanks!
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That was great! He made me laugh while punching me in the gut with hard truths.
27.30 hit home…
“We talk about my worst day sober is better than my best day drinking…My worst day sober is better than my last day drinking.”
That has been one of my biggest downfalls in staying sober. Trying to recapture to good times, and overlooking the bad times.
There are so many other gems in this! 
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Oh I’m so glad you listened to it and liked it. I thought it might be be right up your ally. At first I was wondering if he had a message out there for us. After all the digs about everything. But he really made you think on your own. I liked the 4 letter word we never want to use H.E.L.P. And his definition of insanity. “hoping for the same result.” At least you got hope! When the real insanity is doing the same thing over and over again knowing your going to get the same result over and over again. I’m going to listen to him again on Friday’s power walk. My mind wanders and I probably missed half of it. Good and or funny AA motivational speakers are a pretty strong tool for me.
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Pure Gold that one.
This is definitely worth another listen.
It got me thinking back to when I first started going to AA willingly. If the person sharing was funny. I listened. Its probably still that way although I find myself trying harder to listen to everyone.
If you ever have an AA convention close to you, goo. The recovery countdown is soooo powerful! You would love it!
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Where did summer go? Its raining!
We have been doing crab gear work. Its got me thinking about how much has changed.
Its pretty early to be doing crab gear work. Its been really windy its cutting our tuna season shorter than I’d like it.
Two years ago when we started doing crab gear work on the prison ship. It wasn’t blowing. We should have been out catching tuna, but instead the warden was making us work crab gear. It doesn’t pay. It locks your position on the boat, and gives you extra percentage for the season. It commits you to the boat for the season. If I help get 500 crab pots ready to fish. I’m not going anywhere. Those are my pots.
Every day we worked gear, I felt like my commitment was being made for me. I wasn’t ready. I had let go of the idea that I could make this job into something good. It was a miserable summer, following a miserable crab season. It was my co-workers. They are toxic miserable people. They are mean! After spending two years working with them I was becoming mean. I was becoming like them. I could see it and I didn’t like it.
It got to where every time they opened their mouth I wanted to punch them in it. Id play out scenarios in my head where If we ever did get into a physical altercation. I was mentally prepared to hurt these guys really bad if I had to.
I had been trying to quit drinking. Id get so miserable working with theses guy my self destructive thinking couldn’t heal. Id make a little progress and get the fuck its!
The minute we hit shore and I got away from the boat I was in the bar. I was feeling reckless before I put alcohol into my bloodstream. Once the alcohol was in there I became a mean reckless drunk who was full throttle into self destruction.
Its not like that anymore. I sometimes get frustrated with my current job, but it never goes far enough to trigger Mr. self destruction. I’ve been able to heal. I get plenty of time away from the boat to keep it real.
I’ve never wanted to hurt these guys. I’ve wanted to slap some sense into tweaky a few times but it passes in between trips. This summer I have felt sad for him more than I feel anger towards him.
I run to my cameras which ultimately leads me to magical nature experiences whether its the sunrise or sunset or an osprey, eagle, pelican. whatever. It gives me these moments that I truly live in the now. It feels me with gratitude and leads to feelings of self preservation.
I’m grateful to be alive! I lost that as a drunk. I didn’t appreciate being alive anymore.
I still have plenty of work to do in the healing department. I have made a lot of progress. I still get random thoughts, they are fewer and further between. They are easy to shoot down. Sometimes it makes me laugh because I recognize my pattern. I can laugh at myself today.
Matt is back! he still in recovery! He is almost a year clean from heroin! We talk recovery a lot in the gear yard. That’s been really cool! Its us VS them lol! Recovery VS not in recovery!
This year is different. I have achievable goals set. By this time next year I will be trolling for salmon and tuna in my own boat.
Skipper letting me film like I have been is really good for my attitude too. He wasn’t that into it when I started doing it. My YouTube channel stats have exploded over the last month! I’m stoked about that!
I’m not getting any younger. I’m the oldest crabbing deckhand on our dock. Another source of income would be awesome! I’m still quite a ways away from getting paid on YouTube, it looks achievable. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I’ve got tons of good footage stacked up!
Spending my beer money on cameras is a good investment. much better than pissing it away like I had been doing. Literally, pissing it away drinking.
This crab gear work has me getting mentally prepared for the season. Its coming up fast! Being my third sober season, I’m feeling really confidant. I feel more excitement than dread. It wasn’t like that on the prison ship.
I used to love having some drinks and feeling like a bad ass during the season. I’ve learned that you don’t need alcohol to feel like a bad ass crabbing. You just need to go crabbing!
The Big Book talks about freedom from the bondage of self.
I’ve been feeling that freedom more and more.
I’ve carried a huge chip on my shoulder since the economy crashed in 2008 and I lost everything. That was 14 years ago. I’ve finally let it go. It doesn’t fit with living in today. I have a new lease on life. I’m really good at dragging experiences from the past into the present. I have made HUGE progress in that area! I like it a lot
I’m one of the most free spirited people I know, I kept myself in a cage based on fear from the past repeating itself. It kept me drunk. I tried running from the pain instead of processing it and letting it go.
Today, a drink feels far away. I like that!
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