Alcoholic fisherman in recovery

[SassyRocks]

@JasonFisher

but I still have plenty of things that baffle the living shit out of me.

Right there with you…and with other stuff in your list as well.

That is a great post Jason. I always like your updates. I’m glad you were able to get some food relief. My daughter and grandson recently started receiving some as well (and free medical insurance), so that is a stress relief for them (and me). I received food assistance for awhile when I was younger and I know how much it can help. Tho I was never a fan of that huge block of cheese we got back in the old days. I am grateful we have a food program available here for those of us in need.

@JasonFisher

I felt grateful to be alive all day.

This makes me smile and reminds me of all I have to be grateful for. Thank you for that.

[JasonFisher]

Its amazing how much less stress I have being able to pay the bills. I’m grateful for the successful Halibut trip,

I want to be able to just sail off into the sunset of everything is fine again. I feel like I need to talk about some things.

I had some really intense cravings through this melt down. I had a really hard time shaking them. I kept finding myself romancing the idea of a drink, knowing it the first one that i need to avoid. I imagined an elaborate, magical occasion. I wont get any more descriptive. It triggers me, and I don’t want to trigger anyone else.

I’ve also had destructive drinking fantasies. Usually, I don’t mind those as much because they are easier to shoot down. I haven’t wanted to shoot them down.

I’ve gotten pretty good at redirecting my thinking. Its been different lately. I have allowed my thoughts to go much darker.

I have very vivid flashbacks of when I lost everything sober. I think that’s a huge part of my funk. Fear of the past repeating itself. I have worked really hard all my life and I have very little to show for it. I have been working really hard. everything I have is close but not quite there yet. It all needs money to grease the wheel. Money got unexpectedly difficult to make again. That triggers flashbacks.

Then it triggers fuck everything! What’s the point? Lets burn it all down thoughts.

I’m getting older. That alone trips me out. I know I’m lucky to have made it this far. Live Fast Die Young was my Mantra in my youth. It feels like my mortality is staring me in the face. Its awkward. I’ve always felt invincible.

I got a good shot of dopamine on the halibut trip. We two manned it and I felt invincible when we finished. I’m still riding that natural high. I have been baiting for the next halibut trip and will be until we set sail on the 7th. Its a stupid amount of work, but I’m grateful for it.

Being back on track and able to grease the financial wheel of life gives me some relief. My thoughts are more positive, and a drink feels further away. I’m going to play it safe and stay away from people on the 4th. My Po-dunk drinking town goes all out.

I listened to the presidential debate while I was working. That got me worked up. How do we always get stuck with the two worst possible choices? People argue over these guys? Its already happening in my po-dunk coastal town.

I need to remind myself that I got sober during a global pandemic and all that chaos.

I stress over global issues that I have absolutely zero control over. That’s been a huge part of my funk.

[Lisa07]

Happy to hear you had a successful halibut trip. Just having the ability to pay bills is a huge weight lifted. Such a relief. I lost everything in sobriety too so I can relate to that funk and thoughts of burning it all down. The fear of economic insecurity will never leave me. Glad you’re still here, riding this sober train with us.

[SassyRocks]

Thank you for sharing this Jason. I am glad the halibut were there for you and wish you much more of the same.

Much of what you talk about financially and where you are in life reminds me of my oldest daughter and conversations we have often these days. You are not alone in the struggle and with the relief when some cash comes in. And I lived thru those times myself when I was younger. Financial insecurity is incredibly stressful.

I am glad you are able to work thru the hard cravings and romanticing and that you shared that. I think that is normal, at least I have had fleeting thoughts of fuck this, let’s just xyz and get it over with. Idk. It helps me to know others struggle and get thru. Tho I wish none of us struggled of course.

I hope too you know how much you mean to a lot of people here you have never met. Safe trip and hope it is a great one.

[Tetrax]

It’s good to hear from you. When the chips are down, sure drink can seem seductive but you know the score.

[TrustyBird]

Beautifully said and thanks for saying it. I’m glad you were able to fight the cravings.

@JasonFisher

Then it triggers fuck everything! What’s the point? Lets burn it all down thoughts.

So relatable personally and in the status of addiction. Alcohol lies. I’m proud of you and you’re doing great if you stay sober today. Repeat tomorrow.
Happy 4th to you and I hope you celebrate your independence from that soul killing addiction we call alcohol.

[Seb]

Thanks for sharing your feelings @JasonFisher
You are a source of inspiration and I admire your courage and strength. Love ya brother

[Its_me_Stella]

@JasonFisher

I have very little to show for it.

I beg to differ. I will just leave this here…

I love you brother glad you are shining some light into those dark corners.

[JasonFisher]

@Lisa07

The fear of economic insecurity will never leave me.

This is a hard one. It’s also frustrating watching how fast that money goes.

@SassyRocks

I hope too you know how much you mean to a lot of people here you have never met.

Thanks! This made me feel better. Its been feeling pretty lonely around here lately.

@Tetrax

but you know the score.

That’s one thing I’m truly grateful for, no matter what my inner alcoholic tries to throw my way. I remember how defeated I was.

@TrustyBird

Happy 4th to you and I hope you celebrate your independence from that soul killing addiction we call alcohol.

I love this! as my town indulges, I will celebrate freedom from King Alcohol the tyrant!

@Seb

I admire your courage and strength. Love ya brother

Thanks! I love you too bro!

@Its_me_Stella

I love you brother glad you are shining some light into those dark corners.

Thanks! I love you! Shining light has helped take the power away.

I love this place! Thanks for all the support!

My fishing partner is a really nice guy. He does a lot of good things for the community One of the things he loves to do is host barbeques down at the dock. He likes to feed people. He is hosting a BBQ today. I was honest and told him I didn’t feel like being around a bunch of people and I don’t want to see everyone having fun drinking because my sobriety feels fragile. I was worried he would be bummed out, but he wasn’t. He understood.

[SassyRocks]

Your fishing partner does sound like a nice guy and a good friend.

Idk about the ‘fun’ drinking part. There is the bad decisions (possible regretful hookup, add drugs to the mix, smashed car, DUI, worse…)…massive mental anguish after and hangover…possible reprecussions of stupid drunk behavior…anxiety…the list goes on. I get it, really I do, but any fun is way over for me. That is my brain looking for that out…the numbness and escape, and I cannot go back there.

I guess we got this sober TS party going on here today…cuz I am not out anywhere either.

[Mbwoman]

@JasonFisher … started reading your posts from the end of May. And so happy to read that things have progressively gotten better. Just screw addiction. It is always at the fringe of my vision, but I can’t let it get closer. I think of you when I log in as you gave me this wonderful picture.

I’m happy that you rode out the cravings … made some coin … have a good in-person friend … and check in here to share with your TS friends.

[JasonFisher]

Thanks @Mbwoman!

I got the gear set for today. Another 3000 hooks. We caught 700 pounds of halibut yesterday. We have 1100 more we can catch for our quota. Hopefull we get em.

We had another boat hassle us yesterday. I was setting up when we had to rush and start pulling early because of another boat. Its ruthless out here.

Karma got him and he had to limp home for repairs so hes not around today. We have the grounds to ourselves. Weather going to pick up as the day progresses. Tomorrow looks nasty so we will finish the trip today.

I will livestream unless it gets too wet. Its nice enough right now.

The albatross are good luck!

[Mbwoman]

How did you do?? Still hauling in the haul? That’s just SO much fish. I would say you are catching the fish for the halibut but it’s about the money, I’m thinking. Sorry…I had to…probably the oldest fishing joke known. You’re welcome!

[Runningfree]

@Mbwoman

I would say you are catching the fish for the halibut

I had to think way too hard on this

[Mbwoman]

But…you eventually got it and THAT is the important thing!!!

[JasonFisher]

@Mbwoman Just for the halibut jokes never get old!

We ended up catching 1100 pounds. It was a pretty good trip. Not as good as the first one.

We find out today if there is going to be another one and if there is enough quota left for it to be worth going.

We had a beautiful stretch of nice weather and fished several days for nearshore bottom fish.

If we don’t get another halibut trip in, then we are going to get ready and go tuna fishing. The fish are here and not very far offshore. I’m excited for Tuna. Its a fun fishery!

I’m feeling better. Financial stress is in the rear view mirror for the moment, and I’m making progress in all my other projects. Those feelings of impending doom aren’t nearly as strong as they were. I try not to feed them.

I’ve been reflecting on the past. especially my previous recovery and when i started to allow drinking to become attractive again. There are similarities.

The first couple of years i get so many rewards. Gifts of recovery would be a good way to say it. It feels amazing! It opens up new opportunities which I jump into. It all feels good! Everything improves. After a while, it becomes normal, then maintaining all of these new opportunities becomes harder. Or something I have zero control over changes. Then it feels like a burden. The gifts of recovery no longer feel like gifts. They can start to feel like punishments.

Its easier to start thinking if this is as good as it gets, I might as well be a drunk.

In my previous recovery, I literally lost everything 100% sober. It was traumatizing on many levels. It felt like it was happening again.

Today, I feel grateful for my recovery, grateful to be alive and grateful for the new life that I am creating.

[Mno]

Ups and downs. And some pretty big ones. It’s life. Life still can be very hard but I will never think again that I might as well be a drunk. That’s just a lie addiction tells us. And continuing to come here and work on my recovery in many other ways too reminds of that. You and your story are a big part of my recovery Jason. We joined here 15 days apart. I’m grateful to know you even when we’re 10,000 miles apart and live totally different lives. Thanks for being part of this. Thanks for being you.

[Cjp]

Thank you for inspiring me with your story. Sobriety isnt all rainbows and sunshine and is ever evolving. Im glad you doubled down on your sobriety tools and are weathering the storm. You getting thru the darkness shows me i can do it too. I appreciate you @JasonFisher

[Faugxh]

This post describes well this dynamic of how much more we have to lose after a few years of sobriety when we’ve built something. Of value flipping on its head and becoming responsibilities that can weigh us down. When I was drinking I built nothing and I had nothing to lose but opportunities and those I lost many. Life stuff didn’t really happen to me cos I didn’t participate in life. When the first tragedies hit in sobriety, those were the first in my life and I was not equipped at all. 2024 is the year for me of learning about the hardship that comes from the exterior. What you say about financial stress relates well to me, that feeling of exposure to external forces that can come and crush what I’ve worked hard for. It really teaches one not to take happiness and lightness for granted and practice odaat when shit hits the fan. I too don’t want to drink, my thoughts go straight to the big Fuck It. But it’s equally just an escape from fear and pain. Leaning into what and whom we love and trying to accept what is seem to be crucial strategies in those times.

That said, I am very glad to hear your crisis has been averted! Following your story is deeply satisfying and inspiring Jason. Much love!

[AyBee]

I’ve been getting in to some of your live streams lately - quietly engaging stuff
You even gave one of my comments a shout-out live as I was watching
It’s incredible watching you fish live from the other side of the globe.
Fish Tough!