Am I allowing or enabling?

[Africa]

Hello everyone

The last (first) time I posted, you guys were incredibly helpful. Thank you, it really meant a lot. I am still humbled by the fact that complete strangers would offer their experiences and meaningful advice. As is turns out, there are still tons of other questions I haven’t yet found the answer to - one of them being how to deal with my drinking husband.

Now, him drinking in my presence doesn’t bother me in the slightest (if I removed myself fully from seeing alcohol being consumed, I’d be choosing solitude - every adult I know drinks), but I can’t stand him getting drunk. I thoroughly enjoyed my sober Christmas, and while I was not expecting him to go tee-total with me, I also didn’t foresee him taking his drinking to the level that he did. On Christmas eve, it was somewhat alright, but he doesn’t remember many of our conversations from Christmas day. Same for boxing day, but with the added “bonus” of having a crowd of heavy drinkers sitting in my garden (mainly his friends). His drinking is a sore topic between us, as it has - at least in my opinion - spiraled out of control over the last year or so.

Whereas neither the children or I like it when he’s drinking, he doesn’t get violent or abusive, but absent and pathetic. We enjoy each other’s company when he is not drinking. I don’t understand his constant need to escape from me, from our family. Am I right complaining about it? Or should I just pull myself together and mind my own business, knowing that I can’t control or cure his drinking? But then, how do you do that when you actually want a relationship with the person you’re married to? And if I just ignore/allow his behaviour, am I not essentially enabling it?

I have been working on myself for some time now, and as self-righteous as that may be, I can’t understand that he won’t do the same. He is generally a heavy drinker, and I do think he’s got a problem with alcohol. He has been battling depression for years, and recently experienced anxiety attacks, but won’t stop drinking or at least properly try. Attempted dry spells only ever last until the beginning of the weekend, at best.

Should I just let it go and hope for the best? Or am I perhaps projecting my issues onto him? Or maybe our entire relationship was built on boozing together, and now that I don’t, there isn’t anything left of it?

Sorry for the long-winded post. Thank you for reading if you have. If you have had similar experiences, I would really appreciate some insights into how you dealt with it.

Thank you

[TigerMatriarch]

It’s a huge challenge to be sure. Here’s some info that may help:

Does your partner still drink? Some threads you may find helpful

Mine does and I discussed it fairly frequently when I was on here more. I know this question comes up a lot…How do I get sober with a partner who drinks? So often we are told we have to avoid situations and people who drink, sometimes it is even suggested that we cut them from our lives entirely. For those of us with partners who drink and whom we love and respect, that is not practical or helpful advice. Obviously some of us cannot stay with an abusive, reckess or violent alcoholic, but as we …

[ShesGotMoxie]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I believe there are many of us here who do. Eric @Dazercat has also created a great thread for sharing on this subject. It really helps me to read the posts there. I agree with @liv_m that he’s not trying to escape you, but himself. Sending you strength and hugs

Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?

Have you been affected by someone else’s drinking or them doing drugs? I have. We may be parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, or friends, of alcoholics or drug addicts. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. I have been wanting to start an Al-Anonish type topic here ever since I joined Sober Time and TS. This is not Al-Anon. I do highly recommend Al-Anon …

[paper_boats]

One thing that helped me deal with my partner’s drinking and self destructive behavior while I was trying to maintain sobriety is AlAnon. There’s an app that works pretty well.

[jonathanlee213]

Just have to worry about your sobriety and maintain staying sober for yourself. Dont feel bad about not being able to save him from himself maybe soon he will see the damage hes causing to you and the children. I agree that the Al-Anon program might be beneficial for you to look into, alot of good literature and great support network to help you continue on with your recovery. Dont be to hard on yourself or on him, just take it easy one day at a time.

[Lisa07]

I totally understand where you’re coming from. My husband who’s an alcoholic continued drinking when I got sober. It got to the point that we stopped communicating. I couldn’t stand the slurred speech and him not remembering anything I said. The only time we spent together was on weekend mornings. Our relationship became non existent. I shared a lot about here and at meetings. I couldn’t change him nor could his doctors who told him he was slowly killing himself. It all fell on deaf ears until one day he had finally enough and he quit, 18 months into my sober journey. Our relationship has done a completele 180. All I can say is keep focusing on yourself and your sobriety and hope he eventually follows suit.

[Dazercat]

Hey Africa. Welcome back.
I see you got plenty of suggestions here.
I started one of those threads Carolyn
@ShesGotMoxie recommended to you. Please join in if your willing.

@liv_m

but one thing I have learned is his drinking has nothing to do with me, but himself.

This right here My wife’s drinking has nothing to do with me. And we drank together for 30 plus years. I was hoping she would quit with me but she didn’t. And she’s pretty harmless too. When my life becomes unmanageable because of her drinking I will go back to Alanon. Alanon was a life saver for me when my children were in active addiction.

I love the daily devotional Courage To Change.
January 1 I will start One Day At A Time In Alanon.
Alanon.org will give you lots of info. And great reading material.

It isn’t easy. It actually pisses me off quite often that I am the one that has to work more on myself. And she just gets to drink wine all day. It’s bullshit!! But what am I going to do? We been together 40 years. If it was cancer or Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s I wouldn’t leave her. Alcoholism is a disease. I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it.