An isolated and addicted heart šŸ˜”

Itā€™s been a few years since Iā€™ve been on here, but I wanted to give an update. Not the most positive one. But one nonetheless. Sorry if I donā€™t remember those that were so encouraging last time I was on but I want to thank specifically @Gabe.G for remembering me. You all know as an alcoholic that one of the main thing that kills us is the isolation, the lonelinessā€¦where alcohol thrives. His post is why Iā€™m sharing today.

To get you all caught up hereā€™s whatā€™s happen in the last 3 years. The shoulder back pain I was experiencing was nothing to worry about. It eventually went away and hasnā€™t been a problem since thank God. Iā€™ll put that pain as me pulling a muscle or getting older :slight_smile:.

This next update Iā€™ll probably start tearing upā€¦as I always do, but luckily you canā€™t see the tears drop on my phone. My wife and I separated in Oct/Nov 2018. I moved out to give us some space. Obviously the problem was my drinking. Then on June 30th 2019, I met up with her to do the final inspection of the apartment she was still in cause she was also moving out. Then someone pulled up and she went over to talk to this woman. This woman was her attorney and she served me papers. I was shocked. I was blind sided. But deep down I knew this was going to happenā€¦you just never hope it does. As she drove off. I stayed there. In front of our home that we lived at for 8 years and wept. So many memoriesā€¦good and not so good. This was my 2nd divorce. And why this one hurts so much is because she was a very good wife. She was very tolerableā€¦but only could take so much when things were not going to change. And the ironic thing? She was a alcohol and drug counselor for her jobā€¦married to an alcoholic. You canā€™t make this up :joy:. She was such a good wife to me. She would always be willing to cook dinner and want to eat as a family but I chose to drink and play on the computer instead. She had a healthy sex drive and wanted to be intimate but I was already too far gone most of the time making her feel frustrated. She even told meā€¦ā€look Iā€™m not going to tell you to stop drinking. Just cut it down. Like only on the weekends. I just want the real you a few nights a week. Your beautiful when your soberā€. I couldnā€™t. Isnā€™t that sad. I put alcohol over another human being, my wife, that loved me and saw me for who I could really be. Iā€™m such a POS. How could I live with myself. So here I am now. In my studio. By myself. Isolated. Alone. No friends. Thank God I have a good job but I work from home so again Iā€™m stuck in this apartment all day and night. I did start exercising and taking walks which has been nice but now I find myself drinking during the day, completely functional. I mean I can run meetings, speak to meetings and do my job just fine. But this alcohol thing has such a grip on meā€¦and it has for more than 30 years. Is this me? Iā€™ve always felt Iā€™m abnormal. Even when I read posts on here that people can be sober a couple of days theyā€™re heroes to me. I canā€™t even do 24hrs. Iā€™m so tired of this. Every day Iā€™m hit in the face with shame, guilt and regret. But like a mechanical robot I pour myself that vodka shot and off it goes. Honestly I think I drink out of boredom. I have no motivation to do anything. At least when I was married we would go to dinner or travel or whatever but of course alcohol always had to be in the picture. She would convince me to go to family gatherings, (cause Iā€™d rather stay home and drink) and tell me there would be alcohol there and that I can drink. How sad? My wife used the very thing she knew I struggled with just so we would show up together at family functions. Nothing against her at all. She was desperate. She wanted the husband she knew I could be but she watched this man she once loved be consumed and shackled by the demon of alcohol. She could only love me and put up with me for so long. I donā€™t hold anything against her but I do miss her. Everyday. Other than the alcohol we actually had a really good marriage. I mean we got along so great. Our conversations were always stimulating and fun. We would always make each other laugh. I mean thatā€™s why we got married right. Everything clicked. We dreamt about getting old together and traveling. But all that is now a faded and lost dream because I couldnā€™t give up the drink.

I turned 50 last year. You know what I did? I sat in my apartment and drank. You know what I did for Christmas Eve last year? Went to may favorite sports bar and got drunk. Iā€™m not Normal. I donā€™t even know why God gets me up every morning. As a Christian I do know for sure and still believes He has a purpose for me. I keep asking him to do a supernatural surgery in my brain and remove the alcohol compound and cells. So I can wake up like nothing happened and never have to be tempted or have a drink again. I could only wish.

Some good news though has happened. My oldest daughter got married this past May! So happy for her. Of we course we had to have a Covid wedding in the church parking lot but it did turn out very nice. My daughter who Iā€™m close with. Well all three of my kids Iā€™m very close with. She asked if I would stay sober for her ceremony. That crushed me. Not because she askedā€¦but because she had to ask. I did. Even that was hard for me. It it was only for a couple of hours but I did it for her and now she could have that memory of her father sober on her wedding day. The other good news is that the job Iā€™m at now converted me to a full time employee which as you in this time is a huge blessing. So Iā€™m very thankful I have a secure job. Iā€™m almost completely out of debt and refinanced my car and got my score finally up into the mid 700s. So there is some good but why bother if I continue to let alcohol sap my health and money that I could be saving and being social?

Sighā€¦if youā€™ve made it this far, thank you. I know this was a long post but wanted to bring you up to speed on my sad life. I know I can do better but I choose not. The most important step in wanting to get sober is to make a decision and commit to it. Right? To me that is. And thatā€™s where I become a statue. I freeze. Fear fills me in what my day would look like without drinking. Let alone my life. I would have to take 1 minute at a time. Sometimes Iā€™ll pump myself up and get really motivated to try and not drink and nope. That idea goes out the window the minute I get up from bed. Sighā€¦so tired.

Thank you again for your support, love and encouragement. I want to get there. I do. :heart:

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Welcome back,Iā€™ve only been on here for a little over a year so your probably from before my time.anyone who can go any amount of time is a her or but so are you,you might not havenā€™t it there yet but you want to and for that I applaud you.
It got a little easier for me to put down the drugs when I realised that it isnā€™t about what Iā€™ve lost to my addiction but what I do in fact have even if thatā€™s just the ability to still be breathing. Your not a pos your an addict and Iā€™m sure your wife knew that but you canā€™t dwell on that shit man you have to look forwards.
What does attempting to go 24 hours without an drink look like to you,are you just trying to not pick up a drink.
Try and get out of the house/apartment,do an AS zoom meeting or go to a face to face none if thereā€™s one available , you can drink when you get home from it.
There has to be something that your not trying. The only thing you have to lose is your life.
Stick around fella. :slight_smile::slight_smile:

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Hey Chris; Iā€™m glad youā€™re backā€¦ that was heartbreaking to readā€¦ I truly hope that you can conquer this. I know youā€™ve probably tried lots of things but can you go to a detox or some kind of day treatment?
Iā€™m rooting for youā€¦

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Oh Chris thatā€™s heartbreaking. I feel for you brother. That is really hard.

Your sobriety is about you. It always has been. You choose, every minute, every hour, what you will do with the thoughts & feelings you have. Life has ups and downs, ins and outs. You choose what actions you take about it.

You still have the power to choose. You mention isolation. Isolation is unhealthy for anyone - addict or not - and addiction keeps us blind and dependent.

You also mention choosing alcohol over everything that matters. Our brains have been accustomed to certain pathways of action and ā€œrewardā€; because itā€™s been so long, weā€™ve forgotten - or never learned - how to find reward in healthy ways. Rewards is essential to human life too. Itā€™s built into our neurology: dopamine (anticipation: itā€™s released anytime we anticipate something), and the pleasure of achievement (thereā€™s a mix of pleasure hormones there, but theyā€™re there). Reward is what keeps us evolving.

You need to reset yourself. Since you donā€™t know how to live healthily - like so many of us donā€™t - you need a group to keep you honest. Try one of these:
Online meeting resources

Or these ones:
Resources for our recovery

Your sobriety is there for you to develop. But you have to be humble enough to acknowledge that you donā€™t know. You donā€™t know what you can and canā€™t do, because youā€™ve been escaping life for so long with alcohol. You donā€™t know your limits. You need to humbly try, every day, every minute, to learn. You need to reach out for help. You need to tell your story, go deep, trace the years of your addiction, trace the thoughts - the ā€œrelapse ladderā€ - the patterns that you walk through when you choose to drink. You need to give them shape, be crystal clear on them, so you can move past them.

You have work to do brother. The choice before you is as simple as that line from Shawshank: get busy living, or get busy dying.

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I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I hop you will be able to find your way out of this difficult situation. Take it one hour At a time and i promise it will get easier very soon. Dont give up fighting the good fight for a better life. Get rid of the chains of alcohol to feel the freedom a sober life offers!

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Long paragraph lol. You know life sometimes takes you all the way around the problem instead of confronting it and saying no more but thats just life. Take it or leave i think people go through that all the time. My brother quit for like a week and he got back to it because he just felt like he missing something in life dont know what it was guess his addiction. Anyways I think you can do it quitting I mean, I think you got it in you or atleast slow down if thats what it takes hope everything works out for you and dont forget about us we are all here for one reason and that sometimes is to stay sober. Its not easy but it can be done!

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Hi @Chosen2001 damn I feel your pain. I can relate so much to what you are saying about the pain of losing your wife. I lost my fiance recently and the pain of that was unbearable to the point that I tried to take my life. I ended up going to a crisis house because I didnā€™t trust myself to make it through it alone. After the crisis house I ended up seeking help at a treatment center and have 43 days sober today. I wish I could tell you that itā€™s getting easier to get over her but itā€™s not. The pain is still excruciating everyday but Iā€™m not willing to drink because I know Iā€™ll take myself out. I truly believe though that if she hadnā€™t left me I wouldnā€™t have been able to seek sobriety. The pain of her leaving me made me reach out for help and was the catalyst for me to get sober. I thought to myself that if there was anyway for me to get her back Iā€™d have to be sober. I knew that if I continued to drink there would definitely be no chance in hell. Maybe you can use the pain like I did and use it to throw yourself into recovery? I donā€™t know but Iā€™m glad youā€™re back here again and I am here if you need someone to talk to. The people Iā€™ve met here have really been a source of strength for me and Iā€™m very grateful for them. I hope you have a great night and Iā€™m proud of you for reaching out, God blessšŸ™šŸ»

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I have to disagree with the title, friend. I donā€™t believe your heart is addicted. Your heart wants to be free.

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What havenā€™t you tried? You have to get to the point where youā€™ll do anything possible to get sober. For me that was detox followed by an intensive outpatient program. Now AA and this app. Maybe you can consider an inpatient rehab. Do something you havenā€™t done. Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.

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Hey Chris, itā€™s good to see you on here again man. Your honesty is heartwarming. Youā€™re story tho is heartbreaking.
Your story is so similar to mine that itā€™s just crazy. You drank like I drank. Your loneliness is like my loneliness. Your isolation. Your heartbreak. Your everything man.
It hurts to read. It hurts to know that you are still stuck out there.

What you said about asking God to remove cells. Well I donā€™t know the science of it. But I do know that I did ask god to remove my obsession to drink. And he did. There is no reason that He canā€™t do that for you. But He required some things from me too. Some action. Some service.

I can tell you exactly how I got sober. My story is just like yours and I got sober. There is nothing special about me. All I did was follow a simple program that was laid out by other drunks like us. Simple, but not easy.

I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor and did EVERYTHING he told me. Just he did everything his sponsor told him when he got sober. Things that I didnā€™t necessarily think would help me get sober. But I did them anyways because I was fucking desperate.

My life sucked man. Wife left me. I was dead inside. And now Iā€™m not.

So no excuses. go to a meeting with an open mind. Raise your hand as a newcomer. Talk to the person running the meeting after the meeting and they will help you.

I wish you all the best Brother. I know that you can be better because I did it. And I was the bottom of the bottom. I am praying that God will help you with the courage to get help.

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Hey buddyā€¦glad youā€™re back. Thank you for sharing your story. @Gabe.G is about a solid a guy as they comeā€¦always with sage advice. It sounds like you have a great deal of self reflection and that some part of you buried way down would like to be sober. Iā€™d say listen to the drunks that found a way to get soberā€¦

This IS a possibility for you. Keep fightingā€¦

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I know being a drunk is confusing. You want two things at once, to drink and to be sober. How can that not be incredibly baffling? Plus both change with the wind, some days one wins, some the other.

Whatā€™s helped is stepping back and watching the tennis match instead of being the ball.

Iā€™ve been on here since 2017 so we might have crossed paths. Glad weā€™re both back.

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Thank you for the resources. Iā€™ll check them out!

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Weā€™re u working? Did u lose your job though?

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I was working and no I didnā€™t lose my job to go to treatment. Employers cannot let you go for seeking help here in the US. I donā€™t know the laws in other countries.

Thank you! I will check out these resources.

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So your question keeps hitting my mind about ā€œwhat does it look like to go 24 hours without picking upā€

It would be me waking up in the morning. Going for my exercise walk. Logging into work and not dare go near the fridge and just focus on work. Maybe even take a walk every time I get the urge which would be like every hour. But then work would suffer. Meetings. Deadlines, etc. I donā€™t know what to do :pensive:

Iā€™m so scared to go to detox. But yet I want to since I think thatā€™s gonna be the thing that saves me. But my job. But @Gabe.G said itā€™s impossible for me to get fired if I getting treatment. So Iā€™ve been thinking a lot about that. Again still nervous and scared to this step :confused:

Thank you! I will reach out :heart:

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So did that work for you? Did you have to give up your job or? How are u doing now?

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