Itās been a few years since Iāve been on here, but I wanted to give an update. Not the most positive one. But one nonetheless. Sorry if I donāt remember those that were so encouraging last time I was on but I want to thank specifically @Gabe.G for remembering me. You all know as an alcoholic that one of the main thing that kills us is the isolation, the lonelinessā¦where alcohol thrives. His post is why Iām sharing today.
To get you all caught up hereās whatās happen in the last 3 years. The shoulder back pain I was experiencing was nothing to worry about. It eventually went away and hasnāt been a problem since thank God. Iāll put that pain as me pulling a muscle or getting older .
This next update Iāll probably start tearing upā¦as I always do, but luckily you canāt see the tears drop on my phone. My wife and I separated in Oct/Nov 2018. I moved out to give us some space. Obviously the problem was my drinking. Then on June 30th 2019, I met up with her to do the final inspection of the apartment she was still in cause she was also moving out. Then someone pulled up and she went over to talk to this woman. This woman was her attorney and she served me papers. I was shocked. I was blind sided. But deep down I knew this was going to happenā¦you just never hope it does. As she drove off. I stayed there. In front of our home that we lived at for 8 years and wept. So many memoriesā¦good and not so good. This was my 2nd divorce. And why this one hurts so much is because she was a very good wife. She was very tolerableā¦but only could take so much when things were not going to change. And the ironic thing? She was a alcohol and drug counselor for her jobā¦married to an alcoholic. You canāt make this up . She was such a good wife to me. She would always be willing to cook dinner and want to eat as a family but I chose to drink and play on the computer instead. She had a healthy sex drive and wanted to be intimate but I was already too far gone most of the time making her feel frustrated. She even told meā¦ālook Iām not going to tell you to stop drinking. Just cut it down. Like only on the weekends. I just want the real you a few nights a week. Your beautiful when your soberā. I couldnāt. Isnāt that sad. I put alcohol over another human being, my wife, that loved me and saw me for who I could really be. Iām such a POS. How could I live with myself. So here I am now. In my studio. By myself. Isolated. Alone. No friends. Thank God I have a good job but I work from home so again Iām stuck in this apartment all day and night. I did start exercising and taking walks which has been nice but now I find myself drinking during the day, completely functional. I mean I can run meetings, speak to meetings and do my job just fine. But this alcohol thing has such a grip on meā¦and it has for more than 30 years. Is this me? Iāve always felt Iām abnormal. Even when I read posts on here that people can be sober a couple of days theyāre heroes to me. I canāt even do 24hrs. Iām so tired of this. Every day Iām hit in the face with shame, guilt and regret. But like a mechanical robot I pour myself that vodka shot and off it goes. Honestly I think I drink out of boredom. I have no motivation to do anything. At least when I was married we would go to dinner or travel or whatever but of course alcohol always had to be in the picture. She would convince me to go to family gatherings, (cause Iād rather stay home and drink) and tell me there would be alcohol there and that I can drink. How sad? My wife used the very thing she knew I struggled with just so we would show up together at family functions. Nothing against her at all. She was desperate. She wanted the husband she knew I could be but she watched this man she once loved be consumed and shackled by the demon of alcohol. She could only love me and put up with me for so long. I donāt hold anything against her but I do miss her. Everyday. Other than the alcohol we actually had a really good marriage. I mean we got along so great. Our conversations were always stimulating and fun. We would always make each other laugh. I mean thatās why we got married right. Everything clicked. We dreamt about getting old together and traveling. But all that is now a faded and lost dream because I couldnāt give up the drink.
I turned 50 last year. You know what I did? I sat in my apartment and drank. You know what I did for Christmas Eve last year? Went to may favorite sports bar and got drunk. Iām not Normal. I donāt even know why God gets me up every morning. As a Christian I do know for sure and still believes He has a purpose for me. I keep asking him to do a supernatural surgery in my brain and remove the alcohol compound and cells. So I can wake up like nothing happened and never have to be tempted or have a drink again. I could only wish.
Some good news though has happened. My oldest daughter got married this past May! So happy for her. Of we course we had to have a Covid wedding in the church parking lot but it did turn out very nice. My daughter who Iām close with. Well all three of my kids Iām very close with. She asked if I would stay sober for her ceremony. That crushed me. Not because she askedā¦but because she had to ask. I did. Even that was hard for me. It it was only for a couple of hours but I did it for her and now she could have that memory of her father sober on her wedding day. The other good news is that the job Iām at now converted me to a full time employee which as you in this time is a huge blessing. So Iām very thankful I have a secure job. Iām almost completely out of debt and refinanced my car and got my score finally up into the mid 700s. So there is some good but why bother if I continue to let alcohol sap my health and money that I could be saving and being social?
Sighā¦if youāve made it this far, thank you. I know this was a long post but wanted to bring you up to speed on my sad life. I know I can do better but I choose not. The most important step in wanting to get sober is to make a decision and commit to it. Right? To me that is. And thatās where I become a statue. I freeze. Fear fills me in what my day would look like without drinking. Let alone my life. I would have to take 1 minute at a time. Sometimes Iāll pump myself up and get really motivated to try and not drink and nope. That idea goes out the window the minute I get up from bed. Sighā¦so tired.
Thank you again for your support, love and encouragement. I want to get there. I do.
Welcome back,Iāve only been on here for a little over a year so your probably from before my time.anyone who can go any amount of time is a her or but so are you,you might not havenāt it there yet but you want to and for that I applaud you.
It got a little easier for me to put down the drugs when I realised that it isnāt about what Iāve lost to my addiction but what I do in fact have even if thatās just the ability to still be breathing. Your not a pos your an addict and Iām sure your wife knew that but you canāt dwell on that shit man you have to look forwards.
What does attempting to go 24 hours without an drink look like to you,are you just trying to not pick up a drink.
Try and get out of the house/apartment,do an AS zoom meeting or go to a face to face none if thereās one available , you can drink when you get home from it.
There has to be something that your not trying. The only thing you have to lose is your life.
Stick around fella.
Hey Chris; Iām glad youāre backā¦ that was heartbreaking to readā¦ I truly hope that you can conquer this. I know youāve probably tried lots of things but can you go to a detox or some kind of day treatment?
Iām rooting for youā¦
Oh Chris thatās heartbreaking. I feel for you brother. That is really hard.
Your sobriety is about you. It always has been. You choose, every minute, every hour, what you will do with the thoughts & feelings you have. Life has ups and downs, ins and outs. You choose what actions you take about it.
You still have the power to choose. You mention isolation. Isolation is unhealthy for anyone - addict or not - and addiction keeps us blind and dependent.
You also mention choosing alcohol over everything that matters. Our brains have been accustomed to certain pathways of action and ārewardā; because itās been so long, weāve forgotten - or never learned - how to find reward in healthy ways. Rewards is essential to human life too. Itās built into our neurology: dopamine (anticipation: itās released anytime we anticipate something), and the pleasure of achievement (thereās a mix of pleasure hormones there, but theyāre there). Reward is what keeps us evolving.
You need to reset yourself. Since you donāt know how to live healthily - like so many of us donāt - you need a group to keep you honest. Try one of these: Online meeting resources
Your sobriety is there for you to develop. But you have to be humble enough to acknowledge that you donāt know. You donāt know what you can and canāt do, because youāve been escaping life for so long with alcohol. You donāt know your limits. You need to humbly try, every day, every minute, to learn. You need to reach out for help. You need to tell your story, go deep, trace the years of your addiction, trace the thoughts - the ārelapse ladderā - the patterns that you walk through when you choose to drink. You need to give them shape, be crystal clear on them, so you can move past them.
You have work to do brother. The choice before you is as simple as that line from Shawshank: get busy living, or get busy dying.
I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I hop you will be able to find your way out of this difficult situation. Take it one hour At a time and i promise it will get easier very soon. Dont give up fighting the good fight for a better life. Get rid of the chains of alcohol to feel the freedom a sober life offers!
Long paragraph lol. You know life sometimes takes you all the way around the problem instead of confronting it and saying no more but thats just life. Take it or leave i think people go through that all the time. My brother quit for like a week and he got back to it because he just felt like he missing something in life dont know what it was guess his addiction. Anyways I think you can do it quitting I mean, I think you got it in you or atleast slow down if thats what it takes hope everything works out for you and dont forget about us we are all here for one reason and that sometimes is to stay sober. Its not easy but it can be done!
Hi @Chosen2001 damn I feel your pain. I can relate so much to what you are saying about the pain of losing your wife. I lost my fiance recently and the pain of that was unbearable to the point that I tried to take my life. I ended up going to a crisis house because I didnāt trust myself to make it through it alone. After the crisis house I ended up seeking help at a treatment center and have 43 days sober today. I wish I could tell you that itās getting easier to get over her but itās not. The pain is still excruciating everyday but Iām not willing to drink because I know Iāll take myself out. I truly believe though that if she hadnāt left me I wouldnāt have been able to seek sobriety. The pain of her leaving me made me reach out for help and was the catalyst for me to get sober. I thought to myself that if there was anyway for me to get her back Iād have to be sober. I knew that if I continued to drink there would definitely be no chance in hell. Maybe you can use the pain like I did and use it to throw yourself into recovery? I donāt know but Iām glad youāre back here again and I am here if you need someone to talk to. The people Iāve met here have really been a source of strength for me and Iām very grateful for them. I hope you have a great night and Iām proud of you for reaching out, God blessšš»
What havenāt you tried? You have to get to the point where youāll do anything possible to get sober. For me that was detox followed by an intensive outpatient program. Now AA and this app. Maybe you can consider an inpatient rehab. Do something you havenāt done. Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hey Chris, itās good to see you on here again man. Your honesty is heartwarming. Youāre story tho is heartbreaking.
Your story is so similar to mine that itās just crazy. You drank like I drank. Your loneliness is like my loneliness. Your isolation. Your heartbreak. Your everything man.
It hurts to read. It hurts to know that you are still stuck out there.
What you said about asking God to remove cells. Well I donāt know the science of it. But I do know that I did ask god to remove my obsession to drink. And he did. There is no reason that He canāt do that for you. But He required some things from me too. Some action. Some service.
I can tell you exactly how I got sober. My story is just like yours and I got sober. There is nothing special about me. All I did was follow a simple program that was laid out by other drunks like us. Simple, but not easy.
I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor and did EVERYTHING he told me. Just he did everything his sponsor told him when he got sober. Things that I didnāt necessarily think would help me get sober. But I did them anyways because I was fucking desperate.
My life sucked man. Wife left me. I was dead inside. And now Iām not.
So no excuses. go to a meeting with an open mind. Raise your hand as a newcomer. Talk to the person running the meeting after the meeting and they will help you.
I wish you all the best Brother. I know that you can be better because I did it. And I was the bottom of the bottom. I am praying that God will help you with the courage to get help.
Hey buddyā¦glad youāre back. Thank you for sharing your story. @Gabe.G is about a solid a guy as they comeā¦always with sage advice. It sounds like you have a great deal of self reflection and that some part of you buried way down would like to be sober. Iād say listen to the drunks that found a way to get soberā¦
I know being a drunk is confusing. You want two things at once, to drink and to be sober. How can that not be incredibly baffling? Plus both change with the wind, some days one wins, some the other.
Whatās helped is stepping back and watching the tennis match instead of being the ball.
Iāve been on here since 2017 so we might have crossed paths. Glad weāre both back.
I was working and no I didnāt lose my job to go to treatment. Employers cannot let you go for seeking help here in the US. I donāt know the laws in other countries.
So your question keeps hitting my mind about āwhat does it look like to go 24 hours without picking upā
It would be me waking up in the morning. Going for my exercise walk. Logging into work and not dare go near the fridge and just focus on work. Maybe even take a walk every time I get the urge which would be like every hour. But then work would suffer. Meetings. Deadlines, etc. I donāt know what to do
Iām so scared to go to detox. But yet I want to since I think thatās gonna be the thing that saves me. But my job. But @Gabe.G said itās impossible for me to get fired if I getting treatment. So Iāve been thinking a lot about that. Again still nervous and scared to this step
.
. She was such a good wife to me. She would always be willing to cook dinner and want to eat as a family but I chose to drink and play on the computer instead. She had a healthy sex drive and wanted to be intimate but I was already too far gone most of the time making her feel frustrated. She even told meā¦ālook Iām not going to tell you to stop drinking. Just cut it down. Like only on the weekends. I just want the real you a few nights a week. Your beautiful when your soberā. I couldnāt. Isnāt that sad. I put alcohol over another human being, my wife, that loved me and saw me for who I could really be. Iām such a POS. How could I live with myself. So here I am now. In my studio. By myself. Isolated. Alone. No friends. Thank God I have a good job but I work from home so again Iām stuck in this apartment all day and night. I did start exercising and taking walks which has been nice but now I find myself drinking during the day, completely functional. I mean I can run meetings, speak to meetings and do my job just fine. But this alcohol thing has such a grip on meā¦and it has for more than 30 years. Is this me? Iāve always felt Iām abnormal. Even when I read posts on here that people can be sober a couple of days theyāre heroes to me. I canāt even do 24hrs. Iām so tired of this. Every day Iām hit in the face with shame, guilt and regret. But like a mechanical robot I pour myself that vodka shot and off it goes. Honestly I think I drink out of boredom. I have no motivation to do anything. At least when I was married we would go to dinner or travel or whatever but of course alcohol always had to be in the picture. She would convince me to go to family gatherings, (cause Iād rather stay home and drink) and tell me there would be alcohol there and that I can drink. How sad? My wife used the very thing she knew I struggled with just so we would show up together at family functions. Nothing against her at all. She was desperate. She wanted the husband she knew I could be but she watched this man she once loved be consumed and shackled by the demon of alcohol. She could only love me and put up with me for so long. I donāt hold anything against her but I do miss her. Everyday. Other than the alcohol we actually had a really good marriage. I mean we got along so great. Our conversations were always stimulating and fun. We would always make each other laugh. I mean thatās why we got married right. Everything clicked. We dreamt about getting old together and traveling. But all that is now a faded and lost dream because I couldnāt give up the drink.
