day 118 and 78. so day 118 is 2 days off 120 and lots of people call it 4 months but if I change my timer to summary I’ve still got another 5 days. Shouldn’t be wishing my life away by counting days but you know how addictive those sobriety coins get. Still grateful to be sober and it’s still one day at a time. I’ve changed so much in such a short amount of time, bad news at work x2 that normally I would be panicking about but now I take life in its stride. What will be will be and you never know it could all be a blessing in disguise. Be strong sober people of the world it’s just one more day.
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Another day over, I will never take this sobriety for granted, thought about having a smoke on my works break, got home and thought about just that one drink, you know the one you deserve for doing so well to get this far, the same one that now its been so long I know I can control it and won’t drink the next day bc I’m cured of being an alcoholic.
The same one I had after 18 months that turned into a 9 month binge that nearly killed me to the point of spiritual growth taking over just to keep me alive.
Yes I decided not to have that ONE.
We deserve better, we have fought to become better and no it’s not to be taken for granted. Its gone in one.
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I’m laughing.
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missed this last night I was too busy rappin, need to stick to routine or fall in that trap again. 
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today I had things to sort out that in the past would have been nothing but stress and bring on anxiety but I just got on with it and 20 minutes later the problem was sorted and forgot about, I do love this sober sensible life. be strong all.
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end of day 122 and 82. Very good day from start to finish.
We never knew of a life like this,
A calmness or moment of bliss,
We travelled far on bumpy Road,
Our burden was a heavy load,
But each step I took the straw did fall,
Until I had no load at all,
I didn’t notice it at first,
My only goal to stop this thirst,
Now my road has evened out,
I stand much taller without a doubt,
That now is where I’m meant to be,
And glad that you have walked with me,
So if you are on your day one,
stumble or crawl it won’t be long,
Before your here and feeling strong,
A life deserved, where you belong.
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123 days alcohol day 83 weed and tobacco. Today started off with good old fashioned feelings of anxiety which I have not had for ages, the mind goes off and makes up stories, a series of unfortunate events, that I concoct from absolutely nowhere and for no reason. Apparently I’m so clever I’m able to tell the future decide its going to be awful and start getting upset and panicking about it.
Then comes the use what you know, meditate focus on the present, decide to think different and just see what happens.
What happens is not one thing I predicted came true.
Most of our problems come from random thoughts of the past and unknown thoughts of the future. Learn to be present at all times, stop time travelling between realms. Right here right now has enough going on to hold our attention so enjoy it, don’t miss what you’ve already got by searching for something that may not exist.
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124 almost over, Today was another good day and we need to never take them for granted. 124 days ago I was in a place so low that death didn’t scare me and for 10s of years before that life had such little importance that I was shocked I was still alive anyway. Alcohol had done this to me not a past or a person. I chose everyday to pick up a drink first for fun, then for habit and finally protection, protection from the life that the bottle had given me, drinking to hide from the worry of what drinking was doing to me. I knew it was killing me, my mind and body were evidence of this but while I was drunk death would not surprise me because at least I knew it was coming and it was going to be a lot easier to face while the body was numb. Everything was alcohol related, nothing got done without alcohol but then that was easy because nothing was getting done with Alcohol. I didn’t know I was selfish, I thought I was fun and just one of those chilled out people, why would I think any different, I had what I wanted I was having my own fun drinking and as long as I sat there drunk not dealing with life and drowning my problems then yes that must be chillin. Except it wasn’t fun and I wasn’t relaxed I was miserable and uptight and alcohol had done this to me. It was the cause and the cure to all my problems.
The moment I realised I don’t have to do this no more was beautiful, it’s not the same day as I knew I didn’t want to do this no more it was many years after that, wanting to stop was not going to be enough to make me stop, never. It wasn’t will power or lack of bc I had plenty of willpower, I used it everyday to make sure I had enough alcohol in the house so I knew if I wanted to do something bad enough I could succeed. Only I know what changed what told me I don’t have to suffer anymore what feeling possessed me to make me know I won’t drink anymore. I’m having 1 tiny doubt about the ability of me and my Higher Power in the next 24 hours I’m going to go through a hell on earth, that’s why tonight I sit and write and remember. I’m not ready to let all that nothingness back into my life but being around so many sick and emotional people at a funeral will be unbearable. Being the sensible one, the mentor for misery, carrying the emotions of everyone else’s drunken ramblings, the go on have ones, the piss taking, the repeating, the crying, the fighting, the drugs. I’ll be like the boy in the bubble looking at a world I can’t touch in case I get infected.
This will be my crucifixion , my burning at the stake and I will rise up from the ashes burnt but alive, sombre but sober.
God, don’t fail me now.
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We’ll be with you in spirit at the funeral. Stay strong friend. 
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it’s late and I’m tired. I could go on and on but let’s just break it down, big win today. I know a little bit more about me. I know a lot more about you. When the chips are down you all pull together.
If you’ve never seen how penguins survive a cold storm, Google it, that’s you. That’s TS.
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not the best day but when I look back on it in a few months it will show how far I have come to be able to have a drink and then just stop again like a normal person. I hope.
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I’m reading that and interpreting it as you had one alcoholic drink today, are you okay Paul?
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obviously it started as one but I’ve only just finished and if my Mrs fall asleep in a minute I’m gonna finish hers. Tommorow is a new day.
Okay mate, I was obviously a little suprised so just wanted to check that you were alright. 
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cheers mate, shocked myself too. 
You have had a few tough things going on in quick succession recently(I think). Tomorrow is a good day for a fresh start!
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night night to all
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Good night everyone!
Pretty good day winding down. Don’t forget to “spring ahead” 1 hour tonight.
We don’t change our clocks here in the UK until the 29th of Marci
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