I’m definitely not religious but I have picked up a spiritual side on my sober journey, I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to know but I definitely use the term God as I understand him or her or who or what. it’s more a daily affirmation (big word for me) that I can’t do this alone. This community may well be our higher power bc it’s bigger than the both of us 
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Woke up wanting a drink and expected the worst but the day was OK until Laura left the house this evening and like a shot I started searching the house again. She’s certainly hid it well, you can laugh or think I’m sad but I’ve even gone through 2 dirty laundry bins cos you never know. Yeah I could buy it but I would rather drink the hidden cans secretly and explain another day if she ever bothers going to get one. It’s going to be dangerous now she has got a new job bc at some point I’ll either find it or give up and get a sneaky one from the shop. The craziest thing is she doesn’t care if I drink so I don’t have to do it in secret anyway so it must only be the shame that I’m putting on myself that’s stopping me buying it. Oh the life of an alcoholic is something isn’t it.
Going to bed sober. Be strong.
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But you did go to bed sober, and you are going to wake up sober tomorrow. That’s a good thing. Maybe you could talk to your wife and tell her to remove the cans so you don’t have to think about them or search for them? Once again I’m not the one to give advice here, I’m doing the same thing myself for now. Also I’m hanging in here a lot, maybe that’ll work for you too?
Wishing you a good night of sleep and a great day tomorrow.
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New job. Didn’t like it gonna keep searching
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she’s not my wife, why spoil a good thing 
and she said she isn’t going to throw it away bc she might drink it herself one day. She’s one of the lucky ones and can take it or leave it, she might only have one every couple of months if that. Also I’m not new to this app and in the past have spent my whole life on here but now I need some head space instead of reading everyone else’s woes all day.
So every day is a new day with a new adventure. Still grateful though.
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I’d have to tell her to get rid of it at this point. If I knew there was alcohol in this house I’d be so tempted. I totally understand why you’re looking for it. But I also desperately don’t want you to find it. There’s nothing good waiting for you at the bottom of the can/bottle friend. Get some good sleep and start fresh in the morning. 
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It’s got to the point where the curiosity of where it is is killing me, if I ever find it I might just throw it away myself . The alcoholic mind is saying just drink these ones as you’ve already bought them and start with a clean slate. Madness.
What am I gonna do with you Paul!??? You’re a non drinker, end of story! No alcohol is ever going to help you feel better than you do now; it has to be taken out of the equation. If it wasn’t for COVID I’d be knocking on your door to kick your butt! 
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I see, in our version of Swedish everyone is wifey or the “good ol’ lady” no matter age or statues. But I get your point.
I hope you work it out eventually and that everything feels better soon 
You’ve looked, you can’t find it. Once upon a time you’d have said that that was because you are not ment to find it.
Remember those times when things like you’d go to the shop and get the urge, then something or someone would cause you to change your mind and you saw it as divine intervention.
Perhaps that’s still there Paul. Perhaps you aren’t ever supposed to find it.
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yes please
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already on it mate, if I was meant to have it I would have found it by now I reckon. Its just bugging me plus if I really really wanted to drink its 2 minutes away in asda.
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Yeah true! You ever thought about sitting there and riding the feelings out.
Do you think you’re feeding the addiction by looking for it?
Idk, just a thought I’ve had.
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busy day, all work and no play. Going to bed grateful for another day. Be strong.
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can I be arsed to write this, no not really but it’s my nightly journal so it’s all part of the journey. Got drunk got stoned passed out and felt a bit ill ill, work will be a rough day tomorrow bc now I’ll have to interview people with a hangover, oh I already pity them. So now the house is definitely empty of alcohol apart from drinking hand sanitizer🤔and tommorow is a fresh start with a clean slate.
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So you found the stash, ehhh??? Sweet dreams of sobriety. I hope the switch flips when you wake up. This last stretch was unusually difficult for you.
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It just means so much to me that you know that, I know I’m becoming one of those ‘oh he’s relapsed again people’ but I’ve wanted to drink every day for the last 23 days and I finally got tired yet to me that’s a success and if I last another 23 days I’ll be equally pleased. progress not perfection.
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Every sober day counts Paul. You are so right that progress not perfection is the goal here. You fought really hard for those 23 days. I think you’ve learned even more about yourself too. I think giving up is the worst thing we can do and you are a fighter. Don’t give up.
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It was crushing me watching you suffer and struggle. We’ll get your head on straight this time. We’ll keep trying until it sticks. Just never give up on me. Love you Paulie 
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Aww, so you found the hidden ones? Or did it just got to much to bare so you headed to the store?
I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway, but at least you are back here and ready to try again.
All days sober are good days.
You relapsed, it happens and maybe you learn something more about yourself from it and got more ready to give it another try. It’s never to late to try again,as long as you’re not totally giving up. But for what I know you haven’t so that’s a great start.
Sending all the positive thoughts I’ve got your way. 
You can do this, I know you can and you know you can too.
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