Welcome back Ren!
In all of us here on Talking Sober there is a voice, the “addict brain”, which is in the wings, on the side, waiting for us to stop trying. We have a choice to make: we wake up and work our sobriety (that looks different from person to person but in general it is connecting with others, groups, new healthy activities and hobbies, and developing yourself as a person - not running from life anymore, and instead trying to live it and grow and understand yourself and your world) - we can choose to work our sobriety that day, or we can choose not to. If we choose not to, that chitter-chatter of the addict brain will get louder and louder until one day we succumb, we give in.
You’re not a bad person. In one of your earlier posts you said,
That is a hard belief to have about yourself. To believe you, yourself, are somehow exclusively the cause of your struggle - that you are somehow a “bad seed”, incapable of not being “bad” - is heavy, heavy, desperately heavy.
Maybe you don’t have that specific belief about yourself any more but still you feel
Where did you learn this idea you were somehow less-than-worthy? Where did you pick up this idea that you didn’t deserve the same standards everyone gets, that you didn’t deserve to be imperfect just like the rest of humanity?
Where did you learn not to accept yourself?
I’ll say this: you’re a wonderful human Ren. I am not kidding. You are a human and you have the mind and the soul and the heart that comes with being a human. You have a life just like all of us do. You obviously know you want to be doing something different with your time instead of drinking - and that is the first step to getting past this.
You have a choice to make Ren: do you want this demon off your back? Do you want to get some confidence to take a stand against this “addict brain”?
It sounds like you do. So what are you going to do?
I would suggest you hit a meeting, and keep going, and keep an open mind and don’t ever give up:
There are meetings online too:
Take some sober time and read / listen to some books about it - you’ll understand yourself better:
And while you’re doing all this take some time to reflect on why you’ve got this idea you’re “toxic” or “unworthy” or “hopeless”. Where did this thinking come from? It’s been with you for years, since you were a kid. Where did it start?