Hi there, I am Jan. I’m addicted to many things. To list a few: Gaming, streaming services, TV, video platforms, Reddit and probably spending money too. So basically, I’m addicted to recreational technology. In this thread, which also functions as my diary, I talk about how I try to overcome these handicaps; I share my struggles, but also my victories.
Don’t be afraid to comment on this thread, I’m actually grateful whenever someone comments as it lets me know I’m heard . Also, feel free to ask me anything about my addictions, but also anything else you’d like to know .
P.S. I will not always avoid naming specific videogame names as I find it important to confront myself with names to get used to hearing them without them triggering me.
I made a new thread because I can only comment a maximum of three times in a row in my old thread due to it being made by another account.
And this way I have another clean slate
Fuck addiction. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I’m starting a new post. I’ve heard somewhere that if you write whatever comes to mind, you can access your inner thoughts. I don’t know how I didn’t link that theory with me constantly wanting to write: “I want to kill myself.”. It turned out to be how I actually felt and not what I assumed it to be: a cry for attention. That thought is still there. I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of. Addiction is everywhere I look. Relapses are constant and I’m not even sure what counts as a relapse. Although I have clarified it for myself, there are still some grey areas. What if watching a movie is mandatory for school? What if a teacher shows a movie in class just to fill some time? What if I need to make a video game for school? I know that all of these situations will appear. Respectively I could read a summary; make a rule that I can walk out of class if a teacher shows some youtube videos or movies; make the video game without playing it or simply settle with an F. But there are also some situations for which I don’t have a solution. What if I watch a YouTube video explaining mathematics?
Once again I’m overcomplicating everything because that’s what I do. I see a problem and all I can think of are what-ifs. What if… I’d just focus on today for fucks sake.
I say I might try things, but I never do. I don’t trust anything outside of the rehab I went to. They helped me big-time. They are holy in my eyes, nothing can live up to that. And I want to do everything because that’s got me so fucking far. I can’t even go a couple of days without addiction. I don’t watch TV? I’ll just listen to podcasts. I don’t listen to podcasts? I’ll just read the online news and whilst I’m at it, maybe watch some videos on news websites. I don’t read online news? I’ll just read the old meme wars threads. I don’t do any addictions? I suffer. I can’t live with myself. I can’t live with my emotions. I can’t live with the fact that I’m not perfect. Any flaw should be punished. I just want to die. I’ve read often that it will get better, but I don’t feel it. All I know is that I’m spiralling down or perhaps just hovering around rock bottom. I don’t want help, I have to prove myself I can do this alone. Otherwise, what is my value?
Fuck my dad for punishing me for every motherfucking flaw. What a fucking role model. Fuck him for punishing me for losing his keys, whilst he was the one who did so. Screw him for implying I’m worthless. Screw him for telling me that animals don’t have a soul, just instinct and that you should abuse them. Screw him for royally fucking me up. Screw him for never even apologizing for what he did. Just say fucking sorry, no need to mean it. I just need him to tell me he was wrong to treat us the way he did.
Hi Jan, for people that don’t know you, I am going to mention that you are 18 years old. I am impressed that you have recognized something you want to change in yourself and are here doing it regularly.
Hi
What if your father can’t because he’s not capable of apologizing in a straight direct sincere way?
My Sister can’t and won’t. I live with that. It’s hard when she reaches out to me. I want to draw the boundary…say I can’t continue this relationship with you until I feel safe around you and that will start with a thorough and honest acknowledgement of your actions, a realization with no excuses what you did wrong, and a sincere apology.
It’s been 40+ years. I put my hope in other things. I’ve moved on.
I know he can apologize in a direct and sincere way if he knows he’s wrong and there’s no one else except for the person he’s apoligizing to around. But he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he won’t. He has views that I find wrong on many levels. He thinks it’s okay to abuse whatever the fuck he wants to abuse. And although I hate how he treated me, I still love him. I know he won’t ever treat me like that again. It hurt him so much when I went no-contact on him. And it probably hurt me too. I accept his ignorance. I accept I cannot change his views. Though it’d be nice if he’d actually apologize.
I hope that despite the time it has taken, your sister will actually apologize
I cried today. In front of my mom. That’s very good. I accepted my feelings. I’m not happy with my life. I don’t feal heard. Fuck, I even had to go to my other thread to post this because no one replies to my thread, which is fully understandable rationally speaking, but emotionally it sucks. I won’t ever be a normal functioning person. Fuck me, fuck my obsession, fuck my inability to have a good hygiene, fuck my body for being so stiff, fuck my dad for raising me to feel satisfied only when perfect, fuck my autism, fuck my adhd, fuck my addiction, fuck my lack of faith in God, fuck my inability to stop obsessing. Life would be easier if I’d be dead.
P.S. Don’t be worried about me. I’m too pussy to hurt myself.
((( @anon57836609 )))) you are an amazing, smart, thoughtful, insightful, loving human being. I am sorry you’re feeling in such a funk right now. I always appreciate reading what you write.
I am a shy person so sometimes I’m hesitant to reply on something. I’m afraid that what I say won’t be helpful or wanted.
I want you to feel good about yourself. There’s something called positive affirmations that might be helpful for you. You look in the mirror and you say there are things I like about myself. You look in the mirror and you say I am worthy and people like me for who I am. You look in the mirror and you say I Accept myself and I can grow and make changes where I want to. Crying is healing and crying is helpful. They used to say that crying actually washed out bad chemicals out of the body. And make you feel better. Life is never going to be perfect. There are always going to be things that bring us down and make us feel defeated. With friends and with inner strength you get through these things. You have friends here. You have lots of friends here on this website that care for you so much. Big hugs for you and wishing you brighter days.
How was after you cry, did it feel better? a lot of times we dont let our emotions show, is good to do it from time to time.
Don’t think that way about yourself I know is hard but you are trying your best and you are working and doing things for your addictions.
ADHD and Autistm is hard because not even you can understand what is going on with your brain and with your life, but I can tell you 100% that there’s a moment when things are going to start making sense, not everyone are the same and you have to learn who you are… and why everything is the way it is… is a long way but you will get there.
Sometimes we think is the easy way to be dead but is not you can learn so much about life that is not worthy to thing that way.
As a friend with the same conditions that you, I can tell you that thing one day will make sense. Hell it took me until I was 31 to starting to figure it out…
Be who you are don’t try to be like others with time things are going to start getting better.
You know that I’m here when you want to talk a message on wsp when you feel like talking.
I heard you. Don’t be so tough on yourself. You are actively trying to improve things about yourself and your life. That’s more than a lot of people can say. Keep working towards your goals.
Anyone really. I can’t get emotional support from my best friend as he’s not someone who talks about feelings. He tries to understand, but he can’t as he’s had a great life so far. He doesn’t have any mental health issues. My sister will understand me and makes me feel we have a great relationship. And then she’ll all of a sudden start being an asshole to me. For some reason I don’t want to some weak in front of my mom. So there’s no one that I can get proper emotional support from. And when I turned to TS yesterday, I saw that when I do well I get five likes a post, but when I do bad 1-2. It’s completely understandable as people, especially in recovery don’t always have the energy to read a negative post and respond to it. And I’m pretty sure they’re scared it’ll send the wrong message if they do like a negative pist. It makes complete sense. But it still kinda hurts.
I do feel heard now though, five people who care about me have replied. That makes me feel a lot better
Thanks Alisa, crying did help a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate the standing in front of a mirror thing. Probably because it’ll work. So I’ll give it a shot. And thanks for the compliments, I appreciate them a lot
Thanks Andy. Adhd and autism indeed makes things harder. Though I think it’ll get better indeed. And crying did really help a bunch. Thanks for being there for me
School, therapy and work. School will be fine even though my adhd is going nuts. Therapy will be for only addiction and I don’t think my counselor understands my addiction as he thought I could moderate gaming and doesn’t think what I have is an addiction for some reason. The kind of therapy is helpful though. And work will be interesting. My inability to hut my deadline is making me more and more upset with myself which makes me wallow in selfhate and self-pity
Sounds like your giving it everything you have and that’s all you can do. Tell that self pity to take a hike! Have a great day and remember that you are awesome!!
. Also, feel free to ask me anything about my addictions, but also anything else you’d like to know 
Have a great day and remember that you are awesome!! 