Apparently I choose drugs

Cant keep doing this.
Few strong days and then crumble. Even in the threat of divorce i apparently will choose drugs.
Some cant be helped.
Thanks everyone for your support. I cant keep wasting time. Called the Samaritans earlier. Then realised actually who gives a fuck.
Im sorry. Im a junkie. Im gonna die a junkie, probably high. Sooner the better.
Im gonna go. Please dont waste anymore energy on me. I cant take more guilt. Its ok. I know who i am.

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Perhaps the dope will stop its effect on you before you die a junkie. That’s what happened to me 40 yrs ago, the booze & dope didn’t work anymore.

Homeless, penniless, divorced. no other family or friends, nothing mattered while the drug still worked. Once it stopped, I really had no other choice but to explore being and staying straight.

Maybe that will be your path as well, my friend.

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I consider you a friend. And I will not give up on a friend. Nobody is not worth support and help. And no one is a waste of time or energy. This thing can be hard. Very hard.

Don’t be sorry and don’t feel guilty. You owe us nothing, it’s only to your self. We’re here to help. We’re here and we’re ready to help and we’re going nowhere. Hugs.

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We will be here if you find your way back…i definitely will xx :people_hugging:

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I am here too. For you to post sounds like a cry for help and you want a change. Please reach out to every resource you can and ask for help.

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Thats exactly how I feel and sounds like my same situation. It feels liked i have two versions of me, the addict and the real me. Its a fight dude, I just relapsed too. Im on my couch crying and eating cookies i made when i was sober. My heart is broken for me and is broken for you. I understand your words. So if nothing else, your nit alone. One thing that helps me is knowing that addiction highjacks our brains and puts itself at the top of the priorlty list, above our kids, job and spouses. We have to battle this beast down from its ivy tower, its not allowed to stay there!!! Your addiction isnt you. YOU would never do the things that youve done, its the addicted version, bring yourself back to the real you, even if uts just for an hour or a day. You got this. Youre a warrior and its time to fight.

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The unmitigated truth: I thought the same thing about myself @DogtoothCowboy. I accepted that I would die an addict. But I was wrong. I used drugs for 54 years,the last 20 a pile of pills and a pile of dope. I went to rehab for 28 days. I came home,got some therapy and found peer support here and in Zoom meetings and live meetings. Are you able to get in a rehab facility? Or even go to your local ER. I am living proof that if you want to,you can. Don’t give up. Keep trying. Please.

DAY 752 liberated from my prison of addiction.

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Dont give up. Hundreds of similar stories on here. Take the time to read and put in the work. It will be hard at the beginning but it will get easier. You are worth a sober life

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I hate to read this but I’m happy you posted it. Life can be different. You are worthy of love and worthy of a sober life. Keep fucking trying.

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You crumble, sure, and maybe that’s a pattern. But then you also have a pattern, a habit, of coming back. Of trying again. Of - chronically - not giving up.

Never give up. Never ever ever ever ever give up.

I believe in you. :orange_heart:

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I am so sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment. I totally know where you are coming from and how hard it is to stack on the days. Don’t give up on yourself as i know no one here is gonna give up on you. We are here to support each other cause we know what this struggle is like.

Keep showing up and keep pushing back when those urges hit. Don’t let the guilt eat at you. I do hope that you will be more active here and hopefully with support in real life as we do need the connections (preferably from other addicts who understand what we are going through).

Sending you strength and hugs. Hope to see you around. The daily check in thread is one of my favorite places to visit each day to stay accountable – Checking in daily to maintain focus #66

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Hi everyone,

This morning i read all your messages in bed with a cup of tea. I am actually speechless, but i will try to say something.
It is totally baffling to me how so many people took the effort and time to send such lovely positive messages. Oh if you hadnt guessed already (lol) i have a self worth issue. Its been flagged and worked on many times. I spend 40 odd years despising myself so this little issue is a tough one to crack.

So it is always overwhelming (in a good way) when people demonstrate kindness towards me. I am making a little progress, as not so long ago when someone was nice to me my brain told me to punish myself for it as im not worth nice words. The knife would come out and i would harm to re balance the scales. As of yet i havent done that this morning, I believe you all and im not going to hurt myself. I am going to accept your kindness with humbled gratitude. Thank you all.

I am sober today. Took a while to shower, My muscles feel very weak today, and i had to pause twice and rest. So even my body is telling me to quit.

I will die a junky. That is impossible to change. But i want to die a sober junky with as many clean years under my belt as the universe grants me, starting from today.

So at 7am i told myself to make it to 8am. I am now 20 minutes in to making it to 9AM.

I need something to make me feel like im doing good by being sober, other than for me and my family.
Before i slept last night i started watching a drama called The Gathering. It is fictional, but representative of many peoples stories.

This one Character is late teens / early 20s. Mum and Dad divorced and mum had another baby with another man. She has dependency issues and lives alone, barely functioning. The elder son takes on so much of the parenting role, whilst trying to make a living, and looking out for his mother.
I was very fragile last night, and was moved so much that it stayed with me and is still with me this morning.

So i looked up charities that help young carers that live in situations like this. What better way to use my money that would have been wasted on chemicals?
Im thinking each week take out what i would have spent. Half to spend on my wife, and half to go towards some help for families that could really use it.

Im not a martyr or looking for recognition. I just want to tell my plan so its real. Then when the cravings come, which they will i have this to help strengthen my will power.
If i choose drugs i am taking money away from some people that really need help.

I know if i do crack the potential to feel even worse self lothing because of this is there. I just want to have something positive to be proud of.

Thanks for reading. I love you all.

XXX

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You didn’t choose drugs, this is not how addiction works. You are in active addiction, there are processes involved that keep sending you back to your doc. You are not choosing drugs over your marriage. You know in your heart that you don’t want a divorce, you’re just not steering your own ship right now. You’re not in full control - YET.

Please don’t give up. I have felt how you feel right now. We all have. You’re amongst friends here :people_hugging: I’m going to keep getting up and dusting off until the addiction loosens it’s grip on me. We don’t have to accept the fate our addicted minds trick us into thinking. We take one day at a time, an commit to staying clean for that day.

You have it in you to break this cycle, rise up and go at this again. You CAN do this :muscle:t3:

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Like i keep banging on Adam…it starts with you…looking after you…getting your basics down…food, water, vitamins, sleep…so you can actually function in order to fight this disease…healthy body healthier mind…you need to be able to fire on all cylinders to give yourself the best chance at getting through xxx

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I wore my xmas socks this morning because they make me smile

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:point_up_2: That! Exactly that. :point_up_2:
That’s how you start. And that’s how it sometime will be even when you have been sober for a longer time.
That’s what one day at a time means. You tell yourself to make it to the end of the day, the end of the current hour, the end of the current minute, the end of the current breath. You do whatever it takes to make it.
And when you have strength and courage for more, you make a plan.
And when you have a plan you learn better tools to deal with life than your DOC.
And then you go back to dealing with life. One day at a time. Whatever it takes.

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Great to see you posting this morning… congratulations on your plan and making the efforts to push through one moment at a time.
You are among friends here and I’m grateful that you do feel the love and care here. We are rooting for you.

Those socks are awesome. Glad you are doing things to make you happy/ smile. It’s all the little things that help us get through the days.

Here’s to another day​:muscle:t4::people_hugging:

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Very happy to read this. It really is true that we can rely on this community when in need…yes, of course, it is all up to us…but knowing you have friends in your corner who understand and support you…it is a big thing for those of us who have lived with self doubt and self hate for so long. :people_hugging:

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@DogtoothCowboy i am SOO incredibly proud of u!!! And am very happy to read that ur staying clean, one minute, one hour at a time :slight_smile: i think ur idea of helping others is lovely! What a nice gesture, to be of service to others in their time of need. Recovery is not always an easy road (as u know) but it DOES get easier. My doc was crack also and i literally thought i was going to die an addict. In the beginning, i couldnt imagine what life would be like without substances in it. And I just couldnt get this recovery thing at first. BUT… just never lose hope friend :purple_heart: Bcuz one day it will click. Keep at it and keep learning about urself and what works and doesnt work for u in recovery. Make changes to ur plan as needed. Wishing u all the best in ur journey. Look forward to reading more posts from u :slight_smile:

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Love the socks! I have christmas PJ pants that make me happy cuz they are sooo comfy. Enjoy ur day friend!

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