This is very true.
Cherish your day, this is the only one we truly have. 
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**** Trigger Warning ED****
I never thought I would be posting on this thread because I have “no loved one in active addiction” until I realized last night I do.
My mom has started her first of the new year food restricting a bit late this year. She usually starts it in Jan and it’s in full swing until Mayish. The obsessing, labeling reading, talking about food, weighing meals, weighing herself, peeing on Keto Stix, changing her clothes sizes in her closet… I could continue but you can grasp the insanity. My poor dad had to go “food shopping” for her today, he came over to my house, " Your mom’s starting again." all I said to him was " mhm, it’s the insanity of active addiction Dad." He nodded and left. It makes him sad he can’t help her, us… but her mostly I think because of the complete denial. I used to get frustrated with her… now I just smile and tell her I love her. I told her there was a 12 step program for that… she looked at me like I was on fire. Not so sure the generational change is going to happen with my mother, and that’s ok.
I wasn’t triggered last night because she started today so I wasn’t around any behaviors. Hopefully I will be able to avoid meal times and if she tries to open conversations about food or weight I will just need to place some boundaries there.
I am not sure she has any idea how her behavior has influence me in my life, I am pretty sure it would absolutely crush her. That’s the self centered part of the disease right… she doesn’t see what it’s doing to the people around her. Poor mom.
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Thanks for the invite @Dazercat. I’ll read through these threads and try to be more active on this platform. I really need it right now.
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Thanks for the share Stella. I hope it brought some relief. I remember when I suddenly realised I belonged on this thread. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for you to know she doesn’t even know this had and still has an influence on you. 
You must feel so invisible to her, and especially when you were younger. Ouch.
But you’re right, it’s the obsession and they can’t help it. Recovery and therapy help us approach these blind spots. Without these, nothing going as is impressively illustrated by your mum, doing the same crazy thing all these years. Wow.
Hug
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Hey I was looking for this thread earlier!
I just need to complain, please.
Its 3am and I can’t sleep. Have work in the am, too.
Husband came home very late, after he had been at the bar for four hours and immediately started screaming at me. I had not even had a chance to utter a hello. Just rage coming in the door.
Tried to,make pleasantries, tried to distance myself.
Did not work just more anger.
I am a loser who doesn’t work enough, everything is all my fault. He hates his job but it is all my fault. So I got mad and yelled too, which I never do sober.
I am tired of this .
He left, drunk. No idea where he is. I tried to get him to stay. He has to work in another city in the morning.
If I had enough money I would move out. I hate this. I am worried he will lose his job. I have nowhere to go.
Also, I have been the drunk asshole before. Karma? Feeling really fucking low.
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Sorry this happened. Hugs for you. You’re doing the best you can. That’s from your profile. I hope you can close your eyes and take some deep breaths and get what little bit of rest or sleep that you can before you have to get up for work. Hugs.
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Aww Daphne, I feel your pain, sadness and anger. Been there too many times myself. The blaming and name calling would hurt like a knife even though we know it’s not true. He probably won’t remember saying any of it. That’s not your partner talking to you in that moment. That’s a very sick person. Hurt people, hurt people. I can’t count how many times I wanted to leave. Sending you big hugs! 
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Thanks for this. It can feel really hard to have empathy for those who hurt us, especially when those who we love can hurt us the most.
@Daphnecat I am so sorry this happened to you. Nothing you have done in the past or now justifies this sort of treatment. I hope you do not get stuck in any guilt and shame spiral because that will not do any good. I hope things settle down and he sobers up and can move on from this with some new perspective. Just remember this isn’t about you, his rants and projection of his pain onto you is his own. Sending hugs.
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Thanks.
They are away for the weekend, my dad needed to get a small procedure done. I felt safe heading over to their house to drop off a gift I had purchased for my mom. My eyes landed on the food scale on her counter and I started visualizing her cutting up food and weighing it as I have seen so many times. Quickly gave my head a shake and went home and within 5 mins I was on my fucking scale weighing myself, without a thought about it! I didn’t even notice until the number was registering infront of my eyes.
Cunning, baffling and powerful…
Grateful no obsessive thoughts have started, I have been free of them for a few weeks now. I am just going to put my eyes back to the ground in front of me and keep moving forward.
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Oh Daphne I’m so sorry to read this. That is a terrible thing you are going through. I’m glad you posted here and even started your own thread. I pray you can find time to help yourself.
There is no fucking Karma in this situation.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
I wish I could come over a just scoop you up and take you away from this. But I/we can’t.
But you are not to blame.
You’re in my prayers.
I hope you can find a meeting and a safe place or a friend you can talk with. Or more on here or somewhere.
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I’m sorry hun. Cunning, baffling and powerful.
You are worth it and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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I have been thinking a lot today about forgiveness. Husband is out of town for work, so that is good for both of us right now. I just need space.
We talk on here about forgiving ourselves a lot, which is hard sometimes. I get on this app and encourage other people that I have not met all the time.
At the same time, I am so mad at my husband that I just want to avoid him so I don’t explode. I looked at his bank account and saw how much he has been spending at the bar. 
Does this make me a hypocrite?
I am trying to focus on forgiveness,but it is hard.
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I feel with you, I too know the feeling avoid to not explode pretty well.
It makes me sad and furious at the same time when I am mad at him because he is drunk, even more when there’s an argument. I can become really pissed and if I don’t leave the situation I explode like a vulcan. That’s so exhausting and frustrating because it leads nowhere. It’s better since @Dazercat posted this wonderful posts that you are not concentrating on YOUR sobriety when you try to change somebody else’s addiction or behaviour - which you obviously NOT are able to change. So there is no point in trying to influence others, better give the energy to yourself and your sobriety. @Dazercat please correct me when I didn’t summ up your posts correct!
I find it helpful to first let go of my anger, grief, sadness, hurt, feeling of being abandoned and left alone and all the frustration about myself over and over reacting with these feelings besides I know it’s senseless and changes nothing. When I calmed down and I’m in a better mood again then I’m able to work on forgiveness.
I send you strength and hugs. We all need hugs when we are hurt. 
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It’s been my experience the more emotionally invested I am in a situation the more difficult it is to apply what I have learned in recovery to said situation. It’s almost as if I feel I get a hall pass if I love the person. I have to often redirect my thinking around the way I approach situations with my child and my parents where if it had been anyone else there would have been no issue. I don’t think you are a hypocrite at all. I think you are just very emotionally tied to the situation and a lot of us if not all of us would be feeling the same.
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How you doing @Daphnecat
Forgiveness? With a partner that drinks? I’ve never thought about having to forgive her. My wife. My alcoholic. Resentment rears it’s ugly head every once and awhile. But I’m better about my feelings of resentment now. I once ran an Al-Anon meeting and my topic was resentment. I made my notes and prepared all week. When I got there I had forgotten my notes 
I could hear God laughing and at the same time telling me “you got this.” And I did have it. I just had to go with my heart. I guess I’m so use to my wife. And we drank together 38 years. She didn’t know I was going to do this. Get sober. Of course we had talked about it many times. But we never thought I’d do this. She’s my great reminder I don’t want to go back to that ever. I call her a harmless drunk. I’m safe and I’m ok. I pray you are safe. I cannot imagine what you are going through. My wife just passes out asleep. Like right now. I get plenty of alone time. And frankly getting use to it and enjoy it. And I’m very grateful for the time we have together when she’s not drinking. But after 2 she’s pretty much always drinking. I guess I’m so use to it I don’t take it personal now and forgiveness is not in my equation.
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I didn’t want that to be a long run on post. But……
Like tonight. I get these strange feelings. Like I can’t wait for her to just fall asleep on the couch. When will she fall asleep. It’s pretty predictable. She had a cocktail at dinner after wine in the afternoon. And I thought. Hmmm 
then when she ordered the second cocktail I was almost like relieved. Because now I know it’s going to be a short night. I can plan my night. She’ll get the cat chores done and fall asleep by 8:15. And I don’t have to deal with her. And I get to do what I want. I like that almost better than when she doesn’t drink as much and I have to guess, if she’ll be up long or not. It’s strange. Like, I even enjoy going to bed alone. With some cats and dogs of course. 
On the nights she comes to bed the same time I do I feel uncomfortable. Like what the hell are you doing? It might not be the perfect loving marriage but it’s our marriage. And at 62 I’ve accepted it. And it’s easier. I know she loves me. Unfortunately I feel bad because I can only say. I’m pretty sure I love her. We make a great team and all. We built this incredible life we have been blessed to live. And beautiful grown up recovered children. So yes. I love her. It could be better. It could be worse. I could certainly make it worse. All in all. Truthfully. I’m good.
@erntedank nothing to correct with your post up above. You nailed it. You earned an extra cuddle With old Tiglat. Purrfect.
I hope things are going well enough with your other half.
Good Bless us all.
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I am doing good! I am throwing myself into work this weekend and staying away from him on purpose. He is expressing remorse, at least and knows he screwed up. We still have not seen each other since he has been out of town, so we have not really talked.
I can understand the wanting her to drink and pass out! I have also felt secret relief when he makes another whisky drink and I know he will pass out.
Then I can paint or watch whatever on tv without being bothered.
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I know this isn’t the gratitude thread. But it’s been my strongest tool in sobriety and Al-Anon.
I’m grateful we both watched and hated the movie we watched, ALL of, last night. And we kept rolling eyes at each other. And complaining about it together
I’m grateful we had a fun walk with the dogs this weekend and 2 nice dinners out that we complained about to each other.
I’m grateful we both liked the Rams and enjoyed the Super Bowl together. I grateful we both love football Sundays.
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