Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[erntedank]

TW: rant
I had awful nightmares today about me, my husband and how/what he is doing at our farm.
Not uncommon, but the intensity of the nightmares made me think about the facts again.

He refuses to talk to me, I have no information what’s going on or what he is doing there. Or not doing, as HIS projects are the ones not finished. This completely ignoring my desires for information makes me … desperate? frustrated? annoyed? angry? full of resentment? I don’t even know how to describe the cocktail of feelings
It’s now half a year since we are separated. I’m not sure, but I think my feelings towards him are changing. Thank you @dazercat for your yesterday’s al-anon reading to not call your drinking loved one an alcoholic because it leads to detaching with resentments, not love. I tried it and for me it makes a difference mentally.

I’m kind of stuck in my life, unable and unwilling to make decissions that will lead my future in a certain way. I’m not ready nor willing to relieve him of his duties - I need information to decide about certain issues and it’s up to him to provide it. I was too long the one who worked on our relationship alone. But: It’s also up to me to initiate action when I want to clarify things, set up (for me) healthy ways of coping with the situation and develop sound boundaries even if this boundaries are necessary to protect me from my co-dependent behaviour as a start. I want to protect myself from the impulses of begging for love, becoming frustrated, feeling abandoned and becomming angry with me and my husband over this vicious circle.

He is like he is. I don’t even know what his life looks now, what he feels, what’s concerning him. I don’t even know if he got his driver licence back. And I don’t know shit about the farm. I should have informed the municipal office in August and order a final inspection of the new built house so it gets approval to live in there. I’m still waiting for work to be finished my husband is in charge to organize and do

I know he needs rest and quiet according to the little we talk. I know he works a lot. I hope on the farm to finish his projects. And the house.

He should be sober for a few months now to gain back his driver license. Apparently this is stressing him to an extent where he is not capable of developing some healthy talking culture with me. I have to let his battles be his battles and focus on myself. This fucking sucks. I want to move on. Therefore I will ask my lawyer to claim a mediation. I already suggested it to my husband, it’s fine for him but HE will not arrange anything, he is too busy and has no time to spare. What the fuck? So it’s again ME to take care of the important things in life? Like always. I’m working with my therapist hard on letting go of these kind of resentments and develop an attitude to see the situation without interpreting it. That’s hard work and changes perspectives. I think I will benefit from a mediation. My husband already agreed to participate. So what’s the frustration in just organizing it? ME. The frustration is my memory and my resentments that come from our past. I know shit about his present life, he knows little more about mine. So why bother with old stuff. I want something to happen? It’s my responsibility to start

Wow, I needed to get this off my chest. I’m so grateful I can put it down here, I feel a lot better now and the anxiety and anger from the nightmare are gone.

[Dazercat]

I’m glad you shared E.

@erntedank

Not call your drinking loved one an alcoholic because it leads to detaching with resentments, not love

Thanks for this reminder.
I already need it this morning. I’m trying real hard not to do that right now.

I’m thinking an apology would be nice from my wife but I reckon diseases don’t apologize. So I get to think it’s a disease . But then if I call her an alcoholic in my mind I resent and detach without love. This shit sucks! And here we are doing all the work again. . But I already feel better sharing with you. Thank you for that.

Let’s figure out “How important is it?”
And “First things first.”
And by all means let’s let go of what we cannot fucking control.

[Dazercat]

Good morning @erntedank
I think this reading should have started out:
Dear DazerCat and Erntedank

Just a little bit of frustration when we ask those questions!

The best part about this reading is I think we are both getting better at this. I might only be doing this once or twice maybe 3 times a day now.

Side note.
No, I do not have a Ballroom

[KaitSmith]

Its been 5 months since my husbands last attempt to stop drinking. 5 months of instability. 5 months of biting my tongue. 5 months of not shaming him. 5 months of patience. This is his choice. Its on his timing… i will be here. 800+ days sober… i support him no matter what. It sucks. Its hard… but it will be worth it. That feeling of day 1… the hope… the positivity… the light. Ill do it 1000 more times with him if i have to. I believe in him. I refuse to have expectations at this point to avoid the disappointment I’ve felt so many times. This is a Rollercoaster… but im here for it. 110% all in. I may be tired… but i will always support him. Sorry if this is rambling and making no sense… just needed to express where I am in this unpredictable journey.

[KaitSmith]

P.s. i didnt mention. Yesterday was day one for him and it was glorious! Its always so… different… Usually i can walk around freely after him and my son go to sleep. It is my ME time… lastnight he was struggling to fall asleep and i got up a few times and had to tip toe around. I didnt want to disturb him… i will gladly get used to the new normal and look forward to his sleep (amongst so many other things) improving in a few weeks.

[erntedank]

I love this new tread Brag on your accomplishments

Anyhow, I want to post the accomplishment I want to brag most about in 2022 here.

I put an end to bearing my husband’s drinking, letting me down, lovelessness, being mean to me, only doing what he wants …

It took time and will take some more, but I went from being angry, disappointed, furious, exhausted, desperate, lonely and dozens of other feelings to nearly being me again and healing.
I read many books, go to therapy, work on myself and practice to pause and let go.

I’m no longer his gofer, he has to deal with everything on his own as he is living alone for the first time in his life. It’s a daily surprise how nice and neat my house is without his stressing me, I suddenly have enough time to do all the things that are important for ME.

No more putting my desires behind and dealing with daily chores and office and farm organization and his issues for both of us, trying to work on the relationship for two and being called fat and lazy.

He changed a lot in the last years to only work physically and outside and this became the only kind of work he refers to as “work”. He literally boozed the brain out of his head. I’m so sad because he had a good humor and he had brains, man there were nightlong discussions about everything, from philosophy to economics. I miss them.

I went down a stony, lonely road. I had lovely, helpful company: friends, therapists, institutions, lawyers, my late mum.
I’m still not clear about my future or my expectations, what I want to do …
I’m still waiting for my husband to talk about his ideas how we, he, I or whoever however carry on with our farm. My options also depend on him and finding a way together to separate this mutual property.

This lack of communication, this lack of willingness to communicate and find solutions is abuse and demonstration of power over me. I call it by it’s name. After more than half a year of separation he had enough time to think. I feel that I want to move on.
I will move on. Babysteps brought me where I’m today. In sum, it is a long way. I keep on making babysteps. One day they will bring me into the good and peaceful life I want to live.

I really enjoy the spirit of Christmas. This time of the year makes forgiving and letting go a lot easier for me.

[erntedank]

What a great reading, thank you
THIS I needed to read today as I caught myself trying some new kind of nagging to provoke communication from my husband
Energy level is apparently high enough to be creative in a partly elfish partly sardonic way. Or my nightmares rub off on my thoughts
Yes, I think we are getting better. It’s hard work. I get more used to it the more I practice. I pray all this effort will pay off some day
Sending hugs to you and your family

[erntedank]

Dear @KaitSmith
Vent away, share, it helps to get feelings and thoughts off your chest!
Your situation sounds very exhausting. Please put yourself and your sobriety first. It may sound hard but you have to look good after yourself before you can help others, especially as you have to be there for your son too.

It’s very kind and loving to be there for your husband. It’s his effort to become sober. For the tiptoeing around: Many people get sleeping aid prescribed for the first weeks of sobriety. If this is an option, talk to your doctor openly about the problem.

Sending you hugs and strength

[TrustyBird]

You sound so strong here and I can still hear your honesty and your pain. Congratulations on your new start. No more drunkenness or mean comments, you get to choose how you feel without a dark cloud hanging over you. I’m sending you a hug for the pain and a high five for your brave new start.

[erntedank]

Thank you

The more time passes the less I miss him or our good times together. The wonderful nature of humans: We get accustomed to situations. The first months were hard, 12 years living together created lots of daily habits I missed terribly, I also missed the structure I was used to.

Now I often feel peace of mind and I’m grateful to live alone. I built new structures, still building, healthy boundaries, being kind to myself.
Out of sight - out of mind works for me. So I’m a bit scared facing the fact that we MUST come to a solution concerning our farm. It means we have to deal with each other again. Well, time will tell what will evolve

[Faugxh]

I loved reading this so damn much. All the best to you and a big ass congrats on breaking free from what caused you unhappiness.

I’ve been meaning to write a similar post and will still do so, I broke up from my partner in October and I think I owe it to other readers, especially newcomers, of this thread to update my storyline here. I’m doing well, tho it was hard and still is kinda hard.

Again, thanks for your powerful share @erntedank and have a great day, woman! And everyone else, too!

[LeeHawk]

Lots of strong, resilient and amazing people on this thread. Sobriety is indeed a super power.

[Dazercat]

More gratitude over here.
I’m grateful I already told my wife I was worried about her. She gave me that, “oh no here we go again.”
I do feel worried about her health when she falls down trying to get in bed. PERIOD! Not sure if she remembered.
I told her I didn’t understand why the wine was hitting her so hard the past few days and thought maybe the new diet might have something to do with it. PERIOD.

I got in.
Got out!
And be gone.

She’s said nothing. But I got to tell her how I feel. And now it is up to me to. “Let Go.”
God, help me let go of things sooner than I usually do

#fuckaddiction.

[erntedank]

Krawutzikraputzi, Himmel Arsch und Zwirn

I had a call with my husband. It’s a start. Of course he is the poor one who is feeling miserable because of his DUI (nope, still not got his license back) and me being so bad to and for him that he needs rest, quiet and peace, making sure I’m NOT around
Nope, he is still not in therapy but thinks about it

He was very annoyed when I told him frankly, he should go, it helps me a lot to process all the damage his alcoholism caused and to let go of his treating me really bad over a long period of time. He refuses to take his part of responsibility and is stuck in his pity party viktimhood.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he has a hard time and has to deal with a lot of issues. But still blaming me for all and everything will lead him nowhere. I don’t take this shit anymore and call facts and feelings by their name. He does not like it.
And I don’t like his illogical and vague statements on how we could proceed.
I try to let go. But today I really would like to drive over, slouch on the couch and tell him to behave like an adult aka to fuck off or have a seat and talk properly. Instead I slouch on my own couch with the old boy enjoying a beach video. I think I’ve become too lazy to be upset too much …

[Olivia]

You did well my friend. Proud of you for voicing your concern. I hope, one day, it will hit home.

[Dazercat]

Thank you buttercup
But I totally failed at letting it go. I never brought it up again. I didn’t nag her about it. Verbally I let it go. But mentally I was a mess all day. Alanon relapse. Good thing I had a headache to hide behind when she asked me “so now you’re depressed?” We still talked during the day but I’m not sure if it was the headache or the addiction that was getting me down.

It’s so hard when you love someone so much for so long. And I’m trying really hard to love her and hate the addiction. But it’s fucking difficult. And now I woke with another fucking headache this morning

Well, I got a meeting I can go to tonight. I hope it don’t snow. I really need one. It’s a nice small meeting. I like that. Let’s see what the day brings.

Thanks for stopping by. It help sharing with you first thing this morning. I hope you’re well. I reckon there’s a lot of darkness for you this time of year. So happy for you and your fiancé. I hope that brings you lots of light.

[erntedank]

That’s hard. I think about: Maybe the headache and the mess of feelings, the hurt her behaviour causes, the helplessness to face that nothing changes, that you are worried, maybe these things go together?

Hope your day evolves ok and the meeting helps. Sending you hug and strength

I wonder because I know I get terrible headache when things are stressing me and I can’t see a silver lining of potential change. This also depends on my daily constitution but the pattern has escorted me all my adult life. And even before. It’s a physical outlet of my inner stress.

[Dazercat]

Thanks.
Maybe it is stress.

I actually never thought of that. I’m always thinking was it the chocolate I ate last night? Not enough water? I didn’t eat properly? I have no problem thinking it’s stress when I have back pain. Which thankfully I don’t have.
Ya definitely stress

I got to learn to “Let Go!!” It’s so import to be able to let go. I struggle with that. I just can’t seem to let go inside my stupid brain. I’m so fucking sensitive. I did just find a meditation on insight timer. I’ve been meaning to ask if you use insight timer? I’m going to go over to the meditation thread and post it.

I do enjoy thinking about you and your cats watching the beach on your television. Do you dress the part in a swimsuit and sandals? Throw a little cat litter around the house for sand. . Great idea

I’m so proud of your strength to break away from your addict. It must have so fucking hard on you. Sometimes I must admit I’m envious. Imagining not having an addictive loved one to have to deal with. But 42 years years of being together, it just isn’t an option. I’m going to fight this fucker with AlAnon to the end if I have too. And I’m going to win. I’m just very proud of you. I’m so glad to have you here for support. Even though we are doing it so differently. But our struggles are the same.

[erntedank]

Thanks, I saw the meditation. Will check it out on the weekend.

I just laughed out loud: YES, I’m quite properly dressed for the beach. Hormons giving me hot flushes and sweating these days so I wear little light summer dresses at home allthough the house is only heated up to 19,5 degrees celsius! The sand feeling is the cats’ business, yes, they litter enough and I’m lazy on vacuuming this week

This 6 months of forced break up really was good for me. Sooner or later he will have to deal with my coming back to the farm as I’m not willing to give up the job and existence we built together and I built as my job and income. He has his business and to be honest I don’t give a fuck about his business, I’ve been tired of this whole business ranting for a couple of years now, I was tired of doing his accounting, being his driver etc… In short: I was tired of him not doing his own shit and whining about WTF … We all have to do our jobs.

I’m pretty sure there will be another uncomfortable escalation when he realizes that things are not going how snowhite imagines paradise on our farm.

Sometimes I think he babbles what comes to his mind when he must talk to me, without thinking about it in the big picture before. That’s annoying but I have to deal with it. He will not change nor will he come to some insights about his own resposibility how and why things escalated. As he is still in denial of being an alcoholic I don’t have any hope that anything changes. I move on. I have to. It’s my life and I put a lot of work in overcoming all the bullshit I took and to see my codependent part and responsibility in the situation which is a fair share, especially covering my feelings with anger. The anger left me weeks ago, but I still struggle with resentments and work on it. I move into a hopefully healthy direction. It’s his choice where he moves. If he moves.
When I’m gone too far away emotionally, this part of my life will only be a fading memory. That’s life. Time will tell

[Olivia]

You you let go verbally. That’s a win.
You struggled internally. It happens. It’s hard, it feels like a failure but YOU are not a failure. Neither is Wifey. You did the best you could at the time.

@Dazercat

It’s so hard when you love someone so much for so long. And I’m trying really hard to love her and hate the addiction.

I can’t even fathom the depths of this statement. It makes me think of Christ and us, with our sinful nature. I know He can handle it but I bet that love hurts.