Well, where do I start?
Long story short: Miracles happen. And I don’t trust them before the results walk on solid ground.
My ex is busy with his stones on the farm from wednesday to saturday as the weather will change afterwards. He got his driver license back, 1 year on probation and has to make bloodtests for alcohol regularly. He still is in denial and is convinced the did not drink much when we separated. Or when he lost it.
Yesterday it was my term in group therapy to talk about the separation and how came.
As he was here I took the chance and asked him if he would like to give me some input from his point of view to take it to the meeting additionally.
And then the mirace happened. We talked. Mostly he talked with lots of silent pauses as I mostly asked and listened, ready to take whatever happens and expecting nothing. I was baffled that I got some quality information about how he sees things. And this is veeeery different from my experience and memory. I’m grateful that I understand a bit better know why … well, he acts like he does. I’m grateful I can take this experience and information to help me letting go and detach without resentments. It’s clear that all what happened was out of the blue for him (bad wordplay als being blue in german means being drunk). Maybe some day he will take responsibility, maybe I’ll be far away then. I don’t think he will ever work on himself as he still is convinced that there’s no therapist on earth who could tell him something he doesn’t already know. God, please give me serenity, detachment, let go and tell my fucking codependent pink princess to play in the sand and shut up.
The codependent monster raised its head and sniffed fresh air when he started talking without me questioning, he told me about his week in france, it was nice, it was fun, he looked happy and smiled, we had a nice chat and a good time. Suddenly there he was: The man I’ve loved for so many years.
In the group therapy I shared about the experience. They joked around that I’m suddenly in love again. This was quite a shock for me because I felt just grateful and happy about this occasion. But when 5 people see the same there must be some truth in it. Thanks to @Englishd and the tough love thread, the recent post hit home for me today. I will carefully evaluate and reflect where the codependent monster, old patterns and the pink princess in me try to fool me. I’ve not come this far to throw all accomplishments over board because a psychococktail of bullshit play shenanigans in my brain, heart and soul. NO WE DON’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
I was overwhelmed how the atmosphere changed to compassion, understanding and dismay after telling how it came. The discussion and input afterwards was so helpful, I even got a group cuddle 
Same topic, so different responses.
I didn’t want to overload the gratitude thread with this share. I’m deeply grateful for yesterday’s experiences. I’m grateful for my toolbox, meditation was my goto yesterday and it really helped me to refocus on myself.
I’m utmost grateful I had tea instead of beer last evening, my head was full still processing yesterday this morning.
It is interesting to observe how often I looked out the window to see him. How happy I feel when he comes inside to bring the tractor key or use the toilet. How it makes me smile watching Missi sitting and waiting in front of the bathroom door, how dare he lock her out 
I have to commit that I’m obviously only good in moving away from this relationship when he is not around. Seeing him, even more talking with him, triggers all this “I love him I miss him” bullshit.
I am fine with myself. No, I do not want the emotional unavailable man he is back. Yes, I have to do a lot of work until it sticks that this wawawawa fairytale is not real, he is not the man who can or wants to meed my basic needs in a relationship and therefore no, we are not doing this anymore.
Rant end. Elvis has left the building (at 3 pm) so now it’s me & the cats & a hotpot with potatoes and veggies. I feel ok and I’m proud I do my things and focus on myself best I can. That’s enough and it’s fine 
ODAAT
.
and I’ve been hooked ever since.
