That’s a good one 
4 Likes
My boyfriend still actively using. Recently I saw him for the first time in almost three months (I’m 95 days clean). I took him to use, and get into a detox program. It was a terrible, painful, dangerous, and STUPID decision. I really jeopardized by recovery by putting myself in that situation, but I still have this loyalty to him, and knew it was a chance to get him into a facility. I have only heard from him a handful of times since I’ve been in recovery. He spent Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, and most of Thursday there. He called me everyday, was attending groups, eating, etc. They put him on methadone and had gotten him a bed at a rehab facility an hour away. From detox he was shipped to rehab on Thursday. Rehab told him he wasn’t supposed to be admitted until Friday, and had to be seen at the methadone clinic back where he lives before he can come back. They paid for him to get back to the city he lives in and basically said ‘good luck getting back by noon tomorrow.’ I haven’t heard from him since. Today is Monday. It PAINS me to know he went right back out. There was such a short window where it seemed like he actually wanted to get clean but miscommunication frustrated him and he took that as an opportunity to say “F-it” I guess. I told him to sit tight and I would try to find a couple men in recovery who could help get him transportation to the clinic and rehab the next day but he didn’t believe I could or maybe really just wasn’t ready to surrender to this disease.
I am struggling with feeling like I need to help him. I feel like I need to go out there and find him and physically drag him into another facility. I am so afraid he will die before he gets a chance to know recovery. I feel guilty going to meetings, getting coffee, or going bowling with my newfound recovery network. I want him here. I can’t give up on him, but I also know I can’t be the one to help him.
Can anyone please give me some advice. How do I love him from a distance? How long do I wait for him to keep popping in and out? Do I only talk to him if he’s in a facility? How do I know what the right thing to do is?
Thank you.
9 Likes
You may find something helpful in this thread. Al anon has been helpful for me, and others here find it useful as well. I wish you the best.
3 Likes
Well, where do I start?
Long story short: Miracles happen. And I don’t trust them before the results walk on solid ground.
My ex is busy with his stones on the farm from wednesday to saturday as the weather will change afterwards. He got his driver license back, 1 year on probation and has to make bloodtests for alcohol regularly. He still is in denial and is convinced the did not drink much when we separated. Or when he lost it.
Yesterday it was my term in group therapy to talk about the separation and how came.
As he was here I took the chance and asked him if he would like to give me some input from his point of view to take it to the meeting additionally.
And then the mirace happened. We talked. Mostly he talked with lots of silent pauses as I mostly asked and listened, ready to take whatever happens and expecting nothing. I was baffled that I got some quality information about how he sees things. And this is veeeery different from my experience and memory. I’m grateful that I understand a bit better know why … well, he acts like he does. I’m grateful I can take this experience and information to help me letting go and detach without resentments. It’s clear that all what happened was out of the blue for him (bad wordplay als being blue in german means being drunk). Maybe some day he will take responsibility, maybe I’ll be far away then. I don’t think he will ever work on himself as he still is convinced that there’s no therapist on earth who could tell him something he doesn’t already know. God, please give me serenity, detachment, let go and tell my fucking codependent pink princess to play in the sand and shut up.
The codependent monster raised its head and sniffed fresh air when he started talking without me questioning, he told me about his week in france, it was nice, it was fun, he looked happy and smiled, we had a nice chat and a good time. Suddenly there he was: The man I’ve loved for so many years.
In the group therapy I shared about the experience. They joked around that I’m suddenly in love again. This was quite a shock for me because I felt just grateful and happy about this occasion. But when 5 people see the same there must be some truth in it. Thanks to @Englishd and the tough love thread, the recent post hit home for me today. I will carefully evaluate and reflect where the codependent monster, old patterns and the pink princess in me try to fool me. I’ve not come this far to throw all accomplishments over board because a psychococktail of bullshit play shenanigans in my brain, heart and soul. NO WE DON’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
I was overwhelmed how the atmosphere changed to compassion, understanding and dismay after telling how it came. The discussion and input afterwards was so helpful, I even got a group cuddle 
Same topic, so different responses.
I didn’t want to overload the gratitude thread with this share. I’m deeply grateful for yesterday’s experiences. I’m grateful for my toolbox, meditation was my goto yesterday and it really helped me to refocus on myself.
I’m utmost grateful I had tea instead of beer last evening, my head was full still processing yesterday this morning.
It is interesting to observe how often I looked out the window to see him. How happy I feel when he comes inside to bring the tractor key or use the toilet. How it makes me smile watching Missi sitting and waiting in front of the bathroom door, how dare he lock her out 
I have to commit that I’m obviously only good in moving away from this relationship when he is not around. Seeing him, even more talking with him, triggers all this “I love him I miss him” bullshit.
I am fine with myself. No, I do not want the emotional unavailable man he is back. Yes, I have to do a lot of work until it sticks that this wawawawa fairytale is not real, he is not the man who can or wants to meed my basic needs in a relationship and therefore no, we are not doing this anymore.
Rant end. Elvis has left the building (at 3 pm) so now it’s me & the cats & a hotpot with potatoes and veggies. I feel ok and I’m proud I do my things and focus on myself best I can. That’s enough and it’s fine 
ODAAT
13 Likes
I loved reading this, thank you for sharing! I love it because of your choice of words, and sense of humor. But more important, I find your self awareness as you grapple with your codependent pink princess so inspiring!!! Thank you!
7 Likes
8 out of 11 for me
I thought I was better than that
I watched some YouTube videos on enabling and ya. I was doing some enabling I wasn’t aware of.
Knowledge is progress.
17 Likes
Amen, dear friend, amen.
Suits also for codependent behaviour. 
Welcome to the club! You are not alone galgenhumor
Sorry for laughing, I’m bitching with a lot of it since last week 
Love your post 
5 Likes
Thanks for these reminders! I see how often I toe the line between detachment and enabling! Back and forth…oh well. Baby steps.
5 Likes
A few weeks ago an ex-boyfriend died of his alcoholism.
Today an old bartending buddy died. He was a big drinker with a big heart and he is gone now in his late 30s.
My husband just got home stinking of booze after celebrating this guy’s life with drinking buddies and friends. I’ve been there, I drank through some deaths, even deaths of addicts, but I see this all differently as a sober person.
Its hard to love a drunk person. He is more than that but that is the quality that’s hard. It is getting harder to hide too. I often go to bed early these nights. I love my person but I am starting to really despise the habit. 🩶🩷
19 Likes
This situation is hard and I wish I had words. Just want you to know that you are not alone. The habit is despicable. Sending you lots of love and support
Happy Friday dear friend 
5 Likes
Sending some big love and hugs Emilie,always here if u need to talk
4 Likes
Thanks Jazz and thanks Starlight. It’s rough right now but will get better. I appreciate you all.
6 Likes
It’s amazing what we see differently and our partners cannot. It was quite a struggle for me. It’s less of a struggle now. It’s hard to accept the fact that we can’t make them see this through our eyes.
I’m learning it’s ok to hate the addict. I still love my wife. But I loathe the addict. I’m always going to bed early when wifey is up drinking or passed out on the sofa. It sucks. It’s a different kind of lonely when your married to it and it’s right there all the time. But you still feel lonely.
So, are you doing any Al-Anon?
I finally got a sponsor. He’s got me working step 3. Which I got down pretty good these days. But interestingly he told me to google YouTube videos of enabling. I thought I was pretty good at not enabling. I got work to do in that department. It’s so hard.
I’m in Dallas now. But you know, I’m always here for you my favorite Trusty Bird. I hear you loud and clear.
Big hugs
12 Likes
Ah man. What a painful situation. With the deaths. And the husband coming home after drinking to the deaths. Awful. It must hurt annoy you.
Your entire post really resonated in me. Wanna say that you have my thoughts and warm empathy, Emilie. I can feel your pain, I’m sure the others on here as well.
Much love.
13 Likes
Thanks Daze. No Al-Anon or program work yet for me but I feel it coming. This dry drunk needs to start internally digging. That sounds gross. 
I feel you on the loneliness and the enabling. I give my husband some of the credit for me getting sober. We’d been drinking for years together and I just needed him to tell me I was being reckless and scary for me to try to stop. He needs to hear that from me.
Instead of saying that this morning we had a quick conversation because he has noticed that I’ve been distant and I told him I was an axe away from being one of those old timey prohibition ladies and smashing beer kegs all over town. That almost counts, right?
I always appreciate you Daze. Enjoy your Dallas days!
10 Likes
This brought tears. I don’t know what it is but compassion gets me every time. Thank you. I am trying my best and I REALLY appreciate this place and all the courageous souls on here. Without y’all I would be sunk in a funk. Maybe I just needed a cry.
Thank you. 
11 Likes
I feel with you Emilie Sorry for your loss and the distance drinking brings between your hubby and you. I remember how lonely it is going to bed, distancing, because the other one is drunk. It hurts a lot. I admire you all who can live with it. I’m still sad I couldn’t anymore.
Sending you love and strength 
10 Likes
Our stories are so similar.
She supported my sobriety. And ya know, that first year maybe year and a half I was so busy working on me I didn’t care or notice too much of her drinking always around me. I mean I didn’t like it. But what could I do? And she quit drinking liquor. Then stuck to just wine. She lost her drinking buddy. And she never asked for my sobriety. That always made me feel sad and some other feelings I cannot pin point.
Fast forward…………my life became unmanageable 
unmanageable because of her drinking. And that’s when I finally sought help and got my ass in a seat. I wish I didn’t wait so long. At least after that memorable night (we won’t be going back to that restaurant) (EVER!) it was an easy decision to go back to Al-Anon. I was afraid to go. After all I had all the tools of AlAnon because of my 2 kids I thought I could handle it. 
Sorry I’m rambling but you never know who might be reading this and it could help someone. And besides my story just keeps getting better. I hope you have a great Saturday.
15 Likes
Thanks Dan. I needed to read and remember this for my wife.
So…….
I love her Friday October 13th sober date. It’s got a great ring to it. But it is not my sober date to protect. She says she’s planning on testing the waters next week. She wants to go out on her terms, when she goes out. It got pretty messy here in October. My heart sunk when she told me she’s going to have a glass or 2 of Chardonnay in a few nights.
I got my supports and sponsor and therapist and my kids in my corner. I reckon it’s in her and her higher powers hands. And thankfully it’s nothing I can control.
Thanks
11 Likes