I started at the gratitude thread and decided to split the post from here on. Daily Gratitude, The Air Of Recovery #5 - #1044 by erntedank
I’m grateful decorating the house makes me aware of all the things still missing and that the house lacks essential furniture (which basically is still in my city home). I’m grateful I texted the ex again and he agreed to find a date when we can go through everything he took with him not caring if it’s his or mine. Let’s see what will be. And when he will call. I’m so grateful my side of the street is clean and I work on living a better life 
I’m grateful I found an embarrassing video when I scrolled through the pictures on my phone searching a particular one of my late mom.
Obviously I was so frustrated, hurt, helpless and furious about my drunken ex 2,5 years ago that I videoed him lying on the floor in the new house (interior work not finished then) on our farm, completely drunk at half past 9 in the morning when we had said we would do some work together on the farm this day. He rarely came home these days because he was always drunk alone and slept on the floor instead of working on the house, the farm or whatever, I never knew what exactly, coming home, taking a bath and having a chill evening 
I arrived, I really looked happily forward to spend a day working together, he pissed me off in his drunken bitchery - yes, I heard it before, I work nothing and am a lazy sod and everything is my fault -, we had a massive argument, I went nuts and left after yelling and sobbing that I’m fed up with his drinking bullshit behaviour and he destroys and ruins everything and every possible together time with it.
I remember that I didn’t hear from him for several days afterwards, one day he came home and behaved again. Looking back I give myself a huge cuddle here and now that one day I chose I can’t bear it anymore. Oh God I’m so grateful this woman found a way out of this relationship and fights like hell that no backward glorification takes place.
Wow was this old (!) video a wake up call why the fuck I better stick to myself and eliminate him off my life. It made me realize: Now he is apparently mostly not drinking as he wants to keep his driver license. And not drunk he is perfect in silent treatment, more than ever, only focussing on himself and thinking shit about others, especially me. So please what the fuck does my messy brain in cooperation with my emotional pink princess miss sometimes? THIS for sure NOT.
Boa, I had to get that out, I thought my brain would explode dealing with this gift from the past alone. Yes, I’m deeply grateful this day of remembrance had peaceful moments with lovely memories and one episode of a different kind.
If this reminder isn’t enough to finally process the emotional leftovers I don’t know. Maybe book some brain& heartwash in the re-stabilizer department at the ministry of bullshitavoidance 
Thanks for listening, rant end, feels wayyyy better now 
