Just needing to vent again…im angry today…probably a secondary emotion to the worrying im doing about my neices…my brother has done wrong im not excusing it in any way but today my anger is also directed at my brothers partner…its not the first time my brother has been violent while drinking…hes hurt her before and the girls have seen it infact its happened a few times…so my question is this…why does she allow this? Nobody would come into my life and traumatise my child theyd be out the door and if that means i have to be single for the rest of time id do that! Surely if she cant do it for herself she could do it for her kids? Her saying she loves him just doesnt wash! We dont speak anyway so i wont be voicing this anywhere but here…
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I echo my previous post. You amaze me. Allow your anger at any one or all of them.
I don’t know what your sister in law is going through, thankfully, or why she has made the choices she has. I hope your nieces aren’t exposed to more than they have been. 
I do know that you have responded to this situation by modelling (to your Mom, your brother) what would have been a more appropriate, compassionate response to you. That’s big stuff.
I am not close to my siblings any longer, but if or when we interact, in the future, I may well be hitting up this thread… Thank you, @Dazercat, for starting it. Our loved ones aren’t necessarily always those we choose…, but may be from our family of chance. Sigh.
All the hugs to you, Kelly. 
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Thank you Emm your so kind 
Something ive learned in my sobriety is to always try to keep my side of the street clean no matter what is thrown at me…its not that i want the moral high ground but i want to be true to myself and to keep the integrity that ive faught so hard for…there was a time i was vengeful of my brother after he cut me off for 9 long months but now im not…i can see the struggling addict in him, i wish him no ill will which shows me how far i must have come i guess. For my neices im struggling to keep a step back and not get too involved when really im sitting here wracking my brain how i can somehow make things better for them…kids should be allowed to be kids and not have to deal with all this adult bullshit 
Big hugs to you Emm, thank you for your kind words and lovely support 
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Sending hugs, you are amazing.
I needed to read the above today so many many thanks for this gem 
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Love you @erntedank
Thank you…i try…its all thanks to this site and the amazing people here you included why i am where i am today…its not easy but to keep your integrity- for yourself and your well being is really quite freeing…to treat people with respect in the face of disrespect is hard at times but you come away from it knowing you have stood firm in what you believe in, i even hugged my brother yesterday because i knew he needed it, not like a gesture it was real and it felt good.
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I vaguely remember that the idea to create a gratitude wall arose here on this thread when a wonderful fellow soberista suggested I could plant the dry stone wall to cover the hurtful monument with beautiful gratitude plants. Giving a shoutout to all of you and invite you to join in on this wonderful idea 
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I’m a grateful member of Al-Anon
With the move and all the craziness I missed my 2 year Al-Anon birthday.
They give out marbles for your anniversary date. Because most of us lost ours 
But I had to move so I didn’t get mine 
An Al-Anon friend of mine did give me a good bye chip. So we are calling that my 2 year.
You know in Al-Anon we relapse all the time. It’s impossible to keep track. But we do get better. And we don’t beat ourselves up about it. We learn to take care and love ourselves.
Al-Anon has saved my life and my marriage.
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Congrats Eric. You’ve come a long long way and your journey is still alive and interesting and you’re still traveling and seeking.
Much love! 
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Thank you my far away friend.
Love your support.
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Ah man… congratulations on your 2 year al Anon anniversary 
. Sure have come a long way in this short time. Should be super proud of your growth!
Wasn’t sure if it’s 2 marbles or a bunch of em so here is a few from me to you
So happy to be on this journey with you Dazerfriend
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Congrats to you, Eric. A day late and a dollar short, but just want to say you have been so helpful with this thread. I appreciate you!
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Yes, I can only agree with @Pattycake. You have been leading by example here and I greatly appreciate your input. It has helped me a lot
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Congrats on your recovery, your growth in the last two years has been huge. I am grateful I get to be a witness of it. Love you twinnie. 
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This is gold! I say the same about AA. We are so lucky to have these programs available to us and they’re FREE. Who would have thunk?! 
Congratulations on your Al-Anon anniversary! 
Sorry I’m late to your party
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It’s time for me to go to counseling again. I fantasize about leaving my husband often. And when I play it through my head I realize how hard it would be to live alone. At my age, almost 70. And I feel stuck. My husband is more like a roommate now. And I suck at being compassionate and kind and loving all the time. I can pull it off only sometimes. And he feels my resentment, my anger, my frustration. I distance myself, try to stay busy. Then he feels dejected. But I resent that he does less and less around our place and less and less for our relationship. It is so hard to watch him drink so much wine and smoke so much pot, just to get through each day, endless channel surfing on the tv, no self care, no motivation.
His health is in decline and there are times when I think he is developing dementia. God help me, I just want to run away! We stopped having sex several years ago and he throws that in my face when we fight . He wants intimacy, but it’s hard to cuddle up next to someone when they’re drunk and don’t practice personal,hygiene,
I moved into the guest bedroom a few months ago due to increasing insomnia. I get better sleep, but that’s another distance between us.
Thanks for this place to vent. I’ll keep trying, I’ll try to focus on my own health and well being. I’ll try to keep it together and not bite the hook when he gets pissy. I’ll just keep trying. But right now, I’m giving in to my propensity to be bothered by all this shit and venting. 
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I hear you
It’s awful living with a loved one who doesn’t take care of himself or relationship or household or life. It’s frustrating and an absolute lack of respect and appreciation of the partner. I disagree with all the al-anon directions. People ARE responsible and there is nothing wrong in being pissed and set consequences.
Yes, cuddling with a smelling drunk is nothing to look forward to, been there, done that, stopped it, been blamed to be cold and loveless. Had seperate bedrooms for years due to him staying always on the couch. I hurt for years, missed being loved, communication, cuddles, I missed my man. The loveless, mean drunken asshole he became was not the man I loved.
Take good care of yourself, it’s the only thing that’s 100 % up to you. Hugs & kindness to you
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Thank you!
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Hey Patty
How you doing tonight? I’m so sorry to read this. Of course you’re scared at almost 70 to live alone. I’m scared to live alone at 64. I’ve actually never, in my life, lived alone. I’ve always had roommates or girlfriends or my 40 years of marriage. It’s frightening even just thinking about it. I’ve thought many times, “I’ve had it with this fucking shit!” “I’m out!”
But truthfully I don’t feel like that is an option for me. And the hassle with kids, pets, houses, finances etc…… grandkids now. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck. Stuck between a rock and an hard place. And it’s impossible for me to want to be romantic with my wife. That hasn’t happened forever. I gave up trying. It’s sad. And It’s a shitty situation we are in.
I’m working my Al-Anon program and it’s bringing me back to sanity. And I’m learning I can be happy living with my alcoholic loved one.
I was going to make a separate post for this part but I think I’ll stick it here.
I want to make sure people reading this know.
As much as I appreciate your situation @erntedank and you 
made the right decision for you.
There are no “Al-Anon Directions.” It’s a twelve step program exactly like AA. And people are definitely responsible for their actions and consequences. I’ve listened to many people who have left their loved ones. And many people stay. In Al-Anon we can only share our own experiences strength and hope. No one ever tells us what to do.
I found a lot of hope in Al-Anon. I kept looking for hope in my wife to quit drinking. Now I look back. That was ridiculous. I had to find hope in myself. I found that in the rooms of Al-Anon. And spiritually? After a while I found going to meetings filled my spiritual tank. I couldn’t get enough.
It’s so hard. I’ve been bitching about how hard it is for over a year. And I’m finally getting it. And it’s been 2 weeks now and I really need a meeting. And things are pretty good. Well. Not presently. She’s had too much to drink tonight.
It’s a disease. There is only one cure for this disease. Not to drink. Or DOC. I can’t do a thing. I’m powerless over people, places and things. All I can do, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not is take care of myself.
This whole family disease thing sucks!! Sucks big time!! But I’m going to be ok, no mater what happens.
The alcoholic has 3 choices:
Institutions, death or recovery.
I have the same options.
I choose recovery.
Al-Anon
Edit @Pattycake
I have a therapist now too.
And I had a sponsor in Scottsdale.
And friends I could call if I needed to.
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Wow, thanks Eric! I’m feeling better. I know my struggle is within. My codependent nature is challenging! I am so grateful I can vent here to people who really can relate.
Attitude is so important, isn’t it? Letting go of expectations, embracing the challenge of being my own person, having gratitude for what I have.
I never lived alone for any length of time either. Once for maybe two months, and then a few years later, another few months. Not enough time to be an independent self sufficient woman. I can look back and wish things turned out differently, but that’s useless! Better to put energy into dealing with the here and now.
At this age, I’m not about to ditch all that we built together because of his addictions, or my codependency. Besides, I couldn’t bear to leave the 
! We don’t have a lot of time left on this earth. Gotta make the best of it! Much love to you:heart:
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This might be a tense week. Husband has a convention of pork producers in town (he’s a bartender) and on the first night of the convention some classy fellow peed directly on the bar floor while blacked out drunk. Lesson one for why I don’t drink anymore, no more blackouts.
I am working four 12 hour shifts this week in addition to my other 2 days of work so I am already planning on being tired.
Husband arrived home drunk and morose about his life choices which is probably a natural consequence of mopping up another grown man’s urine puddle. Reason number two I don’t drink, I don’t have to be near drunks.
Now husband is wandering around the tiny place we live muttering to himself. He swings from “thanks Em, you’re so kind” to “we never have fun anymore” and at the moment I cannot seem to care. Reason three I don’t drink, drunks are annoying and I was, ultimately, annoying when I drank.
Sober me is healthier, happier, and headed in the right direction for some really fantastic sober growth. Husband is 30 lbs overweight, often unhappy and with a prominently chipped tooth that he won’t fix due to neglect.
I really hope that my husband decides to change but I fear he won’t. We have lost 10? friends/acquaintances in the span of our relationship to alcoholism. I fear his body will start to give out soon. He is 50 to my 45.
I really am not headed anywhere particular with this just getting all my thoughts down. If anyone is tempted today know that there is drunk old farmer in Iowa who is going to wake up tomorrow and probably laugh about peeing on a bar floor. Drunks suck, no thanks. Good night all. I’m keeping my head down this week.
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