Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[Dazercat]

Hey Patty
How you doing tonight? I’m so sorry to read this. Of course you’re scared at almost 70 to live alone. I’m scared to live alone at 64. I’ve actually never, in my life, lived alone. I’ve always had roommates or girlfriends or my 40 years of marriage. It’s frightening even just thinking about it. I’ve thought many times, “I’ve had it with this fucking shit!” “I’m out!”

But truthfully I don’t feel like that is an option for me. And the hassle with kids, pets, houses, finances etc…… grandkids now. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck. Stuck between a rock and an hard place. And it’s impossible for me to want to be romantic with my wife. That hasn’t happened forever. I gave up trying. It’s sad. And It’s a shitty situation we are in.

I’m working my Al-Anon program and it’s bringing me back to sanity. And I’m learning I can be happy living with my alcoholic loved one.

I was going to make a separate post for this part but I think I’ll stick it here.

@erntedank

I disagree with all the al-anon directions. People ARE responsible and there is nothing wrong in being pissed and set consequences.

I want to make sure people reading this know.

As much as I appreciate your situation @erntedank and you made the right decision for you.

There are no “Al-Anon Directions.” It’s a twelve step program exactly like AA. And people are definitely responsible for their actions and consequences. I’ve listened to many people who have left their loved ones. And many people stay. In Al-Anon we can only share our own experiences strength and hope. No one ever tells us what to do.

I found a lot of hope in Al-Anon. I kept looking for hope in my wife to quit drinking. Now I look back. That was ridiculous. I had to find hope in myself. I found that in the rooms of Al-Anon. And spiritually? After a while I found going to meetings filled my spiritual tank. I couldn’t get enough.

It’s so hard. I’ve been bitching about how hard it is for over a year. And I’m finally getting it. And it’s been 2 weeks now and I really need a meeting. And things are pretty good. Well. Not presently. She’s had too much to drink tonight.

It’s a disease. There is only one cure for this disease. Not to drink. Or DOC. I can’t do a thing. I’m powerless over people, places and things. All I can do, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not is take care of myself.

This whole family disease thing sucks!! Sucks big time!! But I’m going to be ok, no mater what happens.

The alcoholic has 3 choices:
Institutions, death or recovery.
I have the same options.
I choose recovery.
Al-Anon

Edit @Pattycake
I have a therapist now too.
And I had a sponsor in Scottsdale.
And friends I could call if I needed to.

[Pattycake]

Wow, thanks Eric! I’m feeling better. I know my struggle is within. My codependent nature is challenging! I am so grateful I can vent here to people who really can relate.
Attitude is so important, isn’t it? Letting go of expectations, embracing the challenge of being my own person, having gratitude for what I have.
I never lived alone for any length of time either. Once for maybe two months, and then a few years later, another few months. Not enough time to be an independent self sufficient woman. I can look back and wish things turned out differently, but that’s useless! Better to put energy into dealing with the here and now.
At this age, I’m not about to ditch all that we built together because of his addictions, or my codependency. Besides, I couldn’t bear to leave the ! We don’t have a lot of time left on this earth. Gotta make the best of it! Much love to you​:heart:

[TrustyBird]

This might be a tense week. Husband has a convention of pork producers in town (he’s a bartender) and on the first night of the convention some classy fellow peed directly on the bar floor while blacked out drunk. Lesson one for why I don’t drink anymore, no more blackouts.

I am working four 12 hour shifts this week in addition to my other 2 days of work so I am already planning on being tired.
Husband arrived home drunk and morose about his life choices which is probably a natural consequence of mopping up another grown man’s urine puddle. Reason number two I don’t drink, I don’t have to be near drunks.

Now husband is wandering around the tiny place we live muttering to himself. He swings from “thanks Em, you’re so kind” to “we never have fun anymore” and at the moment I cannot seem to care. Reason three I don’t drink, drunks are annoying and I was, ultimately, annoying when I drank.

Sober me is healthier, happier, and headed in the right direction for some really fantastic sober growth. Husband is 30 lbs overweight, often unhappy and with a prominently chipped tooth that he won’t fix due to neglect.

I really hope that my husband decides to change but I fear he won’t. We have lost 10? friends/acquaintances in the span of our relationship to alcoholism. I fear his body will start to give out soon. He is 50 to my 45.

I really am not headed anywhere particular with this just getting all my thoughts down. If anyone is tempted today know that there is drunk old farmer in Iowa who is going to wake up tomorrow and probably laugh about peeing on a bar floor. Drunks suck, no thanks. Good night all. I’m keeping my head down this week.

[Tragicfarinelli]

Hugs to you, you are safe where you are at least in your own resolve and nest of good practice.

[M-be-free49]

@TrustyBird

we never have fun anymore

Or maybe, we don’t agree so much on what “fun” really is anymore…

I dunno, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only around here who thinks you’d be a ton o’ fun to hang out with.

It’s hard, two people wanting to connect but in such drastically different ways.

You’re already doing this, so you don’t need to hear it from me, but just keep doing you, facing towards that “healthier, happier, and headed in the right direction for some really fantastic sober growth” you. Mighty exciting stuff!
Big hugs.

[Dazercat]

I guess it’s been awhile since I posted here. With this move I’m lucky if I know what month it is. Never mind what day it is.

Anyway. Same ol same ol over here. I’m not naive enough to think this move would change anything. But we did have a nice honeymoon for a while. But the beast is back.

I have been to a few Al-Anon meetings since the move. It’s kind of hard starting over. The Scottsdale meetings were run so well. And after 2 years under my belt I kind of got to know people and make friends. Good recovery friends.

I didn’t want to start going to 7-8 meetings a week again. So I’m taking it slowly.

But why the fuck do I care so much? Why do I feel like I’m the only one who cares? And that my friends, is exactly why I need to get my ass back in the seats of Al-Anon or AA.

I was listening to the Al-Anon Speakers app this morning.

I listened to Tom W. Got just what I needed of course. It got me thinking.

There are tons of people in Al-Anon that work the AA program. I hear it’s a running joke that AA gets some of its best people from Al-Anon It’s a 12 step program. And it’s a great program for me. But every meeting I go to there is always. ALWAYS! Someone who says they work that other program as well.

Anyway. We are all trying to recover the best we can. If you are worried about someone’s drinking. Or frustrated because you have no control over people places or things. Then Al-Anon could help.

I really enjoyed this speaker Tom. If anyone is interested. I especially enjoyed part 2.

Why do I care so much? Why do I always feel I’m the only one who cares?

Anyway. Just thought I’d shared. Listening to these speaker tapes or whatever you call them has given me hope this morning. Where I could have just been sad and depressed. And played the victim card. But I don’t do that anymore. Instead I got to put that oxygen mask on first and get back to taking care of me first.

I’m powerless over my wife’s drinking.
I can and do find hope when I got to meetings. Hopefully I’ll get my ass in a seat tonight at 7.
Love you guys

[Its_me_Stella]

@Dazercat

Hopefully I’ll get my ass in a seat tonight at 7.

Did yah?

[Dazercat]

Nope ‍↔
But thanks for askin
Ran out of time

[Rookie]

Thanks Eric for sharing. Hope YOU are adjusting to the move. I plan to give this a listen, ODAAT on all fronts. All the best,

[Dazercat]

Thank you.
What a sweet message.
Appreciate it.

[JazzyS]

You got a lot going on and i’m glad that you are finding time through it all to for yourself and your recovery.
It does suck to have to start over with new groups but you are a lovable seasoned fellow with great wisdom to share. I am sure you will have no problem finding a new meeting home (so to speak). I am sure you can also reach out via zoom to your old group so reconnect and get some familiarity.

@Dazercat

But I don’t do that anymore. Instead I got to put that oxygen mask on first and get back to taking care of me first.

I love it! ;Heart: Keep pushing forward friend - you are doing an amazing job in all your recoveries!

[TrustyBird]

Husband came home drunk and is actually rather angry, which is rare for him.
I’ve set my “you’ve had too many drinks for us to talk” boundary and he is making some food. Hopefully that sobers him up. Drunks suuuuuuck!
Tomorrow we will talk about this but tonight is not the night husband.

[erntedank]

Sendung you hugs Emilie
Yes it sucks indeed. Sigh. Good that you keep your boundaries. Hard and necessary. Here’s a flower for you dear friend 🪻🪻🪻🪻

[JazzyS]

Ah man I’m sorry Emilie…drunks do suck! Glad you were able to set your boundaries and hopefully you will be able to have a coherent conversation today. Sending hugs

[TrustyBird]

Thank you @JazzyS and @erntedank. He quieted down after getting something to eat.

[TrustyBird]

A few last thoughts on this and a musing on addicted vs. recovery thoughts.
My husband came home angry and drunk. Both wouldn’t have happened without alcohol and both stemmed from a situation at work where he felt taken advantage of. When I asked why he didn’t confront the person who was taking advantage of him he didn’t have an answer. And that seems to me the crucial difference.

When I drank I didn’t give a f@ck. Too hot, deal with it; hate your job, too bad. Now as someone who is actively trying to recover I can feel my own efficacy. If something sucks in my life it is my job to change it, not to wallow. My husband spent 10+ hours angry without ever confronting the source of his anger. No wonder he brought it home.

His is still a little surly today so after a quick chat I will just let him be. No apology yet but it is coming. It better be. He was angry last night which is unusual and walked around for an hour or two muttering drunkenly. Drunken mutterings remind me of an ex who I broke up with for, his drunken mutterings. Also he was a dick but drunken mutterings take me right back there. They feel unhinged and dangerous.

Since we are chatting here I went to dinner last night with some of my oldest friends and as it does with a newly (me-2.5 years is still new) sober person talk often turned to substances. My friend’s husband is the original good time guy. Generous with his time and his laughs, they have hosted many parties over the years. Last night I got to tell him the part he played in my sobriety. He quit drinking for a month or two four years back (he is back to drinking now) and that was the first time I had seen sobriety in action. I’ve been reading quit lit since I was 16 because I’ve always known there is a switch in me that “normal” folks don’t have but I had never thought it would be an option to just not drink. His quit planted a seed.

This is why we talk about recovery.

Have a pretty good day out there all. I will. My husband’s pain and shame and apathy is his own. We can talk it out but I won’t take it from him. Alcohol sucks. 🩷

[RoseCityRonin]

Unfortunately, yes.

I recently (29 days ago, but who’s counting? ) had to part ways with my lady friend who relapsed.

It’s heartbreaking because:

• I don’t want her to die,
• She’s lived recovery but, I guess, still needs to find that gift of desperation, &
• I feel so incomplete without her in my life (but I cannot & will not risk my life).

She knows I’m here for her and that she can reach out, if she’s willing to get back on The Path.

It’s exceedingly difficult to just “let go” and not worry about her, frequently.

[Dazercat]

Sorry Lance.
Glad you posted.
It’s so hard watching a loved one do that to themselves. I know I’m powerless over alcohol. I cannot. Will not take that first drink. But I’m also learning I’m powerless over people, places, and things. It is hard to let go.
There’s lots of people in Al-Anon working a double program. It gives me hope just to show up sometimes. Hope in myself. And to know I’m not alone.
I hope she finds her way back to a clean life.

[RoseCityRonin]

That’s my insanity: I know I’m powerless over people, places & things and that future-trippin’ is pointless; however. . .

I hate empathy & compassion, sometimes ().

Meh, this, too, shall pass.

[TrustyBird]

Husband came home drunk, from work, again. I removed myself from his presence mostly because (honestly) I am disgusted and annoyed. I think I will add this to this thread to track how often this happens. I can’t change him. Sober he is a sweet prince. Drunk he annoys the fuck out of me.
At least it is the very best reminder for me of why alcohol sucks so much. Good night and thanks always for the space. Fucking serenity now as he mutters and pops his head in to tell me how much he loves me. Say it sober or shut the f up. Sorry for the swears. I wasn’t feeling very ladylike.