I’ve heard many stories like this in Al-Anon. It’s so sad. Such a destructive family disease. And so awful when children are involved. We feel so helpless. Because we are.
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That is sad. It’s a vicious disease. Sending you strength and a friendly hug 
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I learned this last night at an impromptu Saturday night online Al-Anon meeting.
I actually think I’ve heard it before. Since it was exactly what I needed and exactly kinda what I did yesterday, it felt new to me.
I’m going to bump it up to 10G’s
Cuz I don’t have enough God I’m my life currently.
God…help me Get off their back.
God…help me Get out of their way.
God…help me Give them to you.
God…help me Get to a meeting.
God…help me Get on with my life. And help me figure out what that is.
It works if you work it.
I’m worth it.
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For me, this is the most beautiful part of that. Discovering yourself for what may be the very first time, I cant wait to be a witness to it.
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I want to chew on a beautiful statement here that hits the point for me today, thank you so much Em 
This I noticed several times in the last weeks. It’s like a sneaky silent poison creeping in my soul. First I thought I chew on letting go the past with my ex, trying hard to surrender to the fact that he left me emotionally long ago and that I won’t get answers, I will not enjoy him being sober in a life together (if he stays sober after regaining his driver license), that for my desperate longing for connection and love he is the wrong person and our farm where we were happy too is the wrong place.
I caught myself several times reacting with grief and resentment that he is no longer my man, that I am alone. I loved the feeling that we belong together, I was proud of him and us, what we mastered, that we had fun, that we loved each other. I kept this illusion when all went south, when the not so good and exhausting times became more and more, he drank more and more, I bitched more and more.
I found no way up to now how I can get rid of this childisch illusion that everything will be allright if we hug and cuddle and spend time together, I’ll feel loved and have someone I belong to. He fucking doesn’t want to and I’m not 15 anymore. This emotions are deeply unhealthy, they root in my childhood when I felt nobody cared for me or loved me or even listened to me (which is not true, I made peace on this issues with my parents long ago, they both worked hard and did their best, mum was an alcoholic who got dry in my 20s).
I honestly ask myself if the resentments coming up when reading/hearing about people having a good time with their partners are envy, FOMO, really missing something I once shared with my ex or a dawning realization that the good times we had are overly glorified by my yearning to be in a loving good relationship. Me and my fucking codependency.
There’s a long way to go for me before I’ll have solid ground under my feet. I’m grateful I came already a long way in the past 1+ year. I pray for serenity, peace, calm and letting go. I pray for my mind to stop producing what-if scenarios, my life is NOT a movie and I don’t want drama anymore. My mind still can go crazy on drama, maybe it’s bored. Well, I move me and Missi to the office now. My brain will be occupied for the next hours and hopefully shut up with nonsense wishing drama blabla like my ex wecoming me back at our farm. Sometimes I really think I did hard drugs when I have such thoughts and wishful thinking. In Austria we have a saying: “Du hast wohl narrische Schwammerl gegessen.” Assumes that someone ate daft = psychedelic = bad mushrooms (to distinguish from a lot of delicious mushrooms for cooking). No yummi mushrooms for me today, only leftovers from yesterday.
I do feel like a doofus writing this down but something inside tells me it’s healthy to put it out as embarrassing as it is. TS is a safe place to come to. I’m grateful for this opportunity to sort my mind and soul a bit
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Oh friend! If I could like your posts 100 times I would! So much of what you write makes so much sense to me. Especially the way we go from one mental place to another to another and then another. World travelers when it comes to our mental and emotional landscapes!
I hear you. It would be so easy if George Clooney came home every night with ice cream and flowers. He’d raise half an eyebrow, instantly sensing something is off with me, “Babe, you ok?” but no need to ask, as we would be so deeply connected we already know each other’s thoughts. He’d respond perfectly. I would never have anything to apologize for, as I too would be perfect for him.
Hollywood never did us any fucking favours, did it… 
And boy, in the language of Recovery Dharma, am I ever creating my own suffering holding on to a picture like that!
Truth is, I am human, and flawed, and despite all of this, I know and learn every day, worthy of love. First and foremost, mine. Hell, I know that out-sourcing that job to others doesn’t work. And nor does treating it like a chore. It’s not a chore.
I love how @Callie99 put it:
You are not a doofus! You are a well-loved Gratidude, by me no less than the others, and we will navigate this stuff together. That’s what I love about recovery. There’s always another layer and something else to rediscover about oneself. So much renewal.
And hopefully not so much derailment! It’s related, I think!
Grateful for this exchange. 
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I do this things unconsciously with my wife
.
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Thanks for this honest share. I see nothing unusual, wrong, weak with your feelings and I can relate to most of it. Separation after great love is hard. I feel the pressure to move on and get out there and whatnot. But these things are messy and there’s back and forth internally, emotions not done being felt, voices still needing to be heard. As you describe. I would say, sit with that, allow it to be there, stop scolding yourself for it.
One thing I’d like to add is: just because you know that your parents worked hard and did their honest best, that does not mean that it either couldn’t still feel like too little love or actually have been too little love or both. Good intentions don’t prevent from negative outcomes. That’s what’s so sneaky about neglect. It’s not active aggression or harming, but the consequences persist.
You’re doing good. Love is hard, in/dependence is hard to learn, especially when you’ve been burnt to a crisp in your childhood home (me too).
@Its_me_Stella your mom talking about weighing you is plain horrifying knowing your story. I understsnd you’re practicing the principles of alanon and all power to you. I also immediately get the idea tho that there should be a boundary when it came to my body if I were in your shoes. Not trying to tell you how to live your life. Just wanting to reflect back to you how transgressive this feels to me, just reading the incident.
Much love guys.
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I’ve recently had to go no contact with my parents because of their enabling of my addict brother. It was incredibly hard but they would always defend him, even when he’s violent towards me and my kids. Enough is enough for me but incredibly hard to actually do. I noticed my biggest triggers to use were around my parents and THEIR family so for now I’ve taken myself out of the drama loop. Sounds to me that for your sobriety it might help to detach a bit even if temporarily (look up: mother wound, scapegoat/ Golden Child, triangulation, and enmeshment). Sending peace your way.
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Thank you for sharing this Eric! I needed to see/read it!
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My husband is drunk. It’s annoying. He has hugged me fifteen times to tell me he loves me and then asked me every time if I love him. I’m annoyed. I love the man but drinking is so FUCKING UNATTRACTIVE to me now. Sorry for the caps I am yelling in my head.
I just came home from a 12 hour shift (which was my choice, I understand) and I’m tired. He has a big milestone birthday coming up and has really been sad lately, mostly after he has had drinks. Many nights he drinks too much, gets sad about being old and out of shape (hello 2000 calories of drinks per night) and cries. I try to be supportive but some days I just need to vent to you lovely people. Drinking is unattractive, it makes you fat and sad and brings no joy. Fuck alcohol. Rant over.
I really am a nice person, I swear. Good night all thanks for being sober with me.
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The last thing you need to do is prove to anyone here that you are a nice person. We all think you are the bees knees!!!
Im sorry you are dealing with someone in a drunken state so often and so in your space -now your gratitude makes even more sense.
Sending you comfort in dealing with the situation. Much love my friend
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Thanks Jazz. Just a frustration vent there. I was a drunk for many years with this man and I love him dearly. But ooof alcohol is annoying. Happy sober day to you fellow fighter.
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Come here and vent away I hear you, yes drinking is unattractive when you’re sober. It’s sad, sounds a bit that deep inside he feels that drinking makes him and you unhappy. You’re such a kind and loving person and you love your hubs dearly. That’s lovely and it’s good that you come here to vent. We all need to get things out and off.
I wish my ex would have been of the cuddly love you sort when drunken. He was either silent, mean, selfish or having a pity party because the world was bitchy towards him.
Sorry, didn’t want to derail, just got caught in a what-if-loop.
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I am grateful for his kindness when he drinks. He would be sitting somewhere with your ex grumbling about life otherwise. 
Like every drunk though he goes through a range of emotions while drinking and not many of them are positive. He gets jealous of the life I’m creating now that I’m sober (“you’re so lucky you get to…” listen bub luck has nothing to do with this). He also gets pretty poor me petty and a bit passive aggressive.
He honestly was the reason I decided to change. I came home recklessly drunk one night and he told me he was concerned. We had been drinking together for YEARS at this point and I don’t think he ever expressed concern we were going too far.
Now I’m sober and he isn’t. It makes me think I should be having that same concerned talk. I love a rant @erntedank. Thank you for being here.
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Glad you stopped by Bird
I’m selfishly kinda of glad you stopped by because it makes me feel like I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s so annoying when I get all the “I love you’s,” after she’s been drinking. And of course she doesn’t remember shit, the next morning. It’s so unattractive and she just doesn’t get that. Well her addict doesn’t get that. I’ve tried to mention that to her but that conversation doesn’t usually go well. So I stopped doing that. It’s hard.
It was easier when I was first working on my sobriety. Probably because I was so focused on myself. Even with all my Al-Anon work her drinking dominates my thoughts. And we drank together for a really long time. I have to try to remember to be as compassionate as possible. Not always easy.
Keep checking in when you feel like it.
You know I’m always around.
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Thanks Daze. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one complaining about those “I love you man” moments. It feels petty but boy is it annoying when it happens. Let me continue to paint the picture just so you know you aren’t alone in this:
After about the 4th time I hear “I love you” my visible annoyance shows because there is only so much reassurance I can give a drunken person whose memory isn’t functioning perfectly. Then you get hit with a “what’s wrong” “are you mad” which needs more reassurance. Then if reassurance isn’t convincing enough the conversation gets a little barbed and personal, maybe a little passive aggressive. Then I excuse myself and go to bed.
I’m with you Daze. I love my guy. His life would be 10,000 times better if he stopped drinking BUT I am not in charge of making that decision for him. I remember being a drunk. I was often an asshole. I am just very happy that I am no longer an
evening ender.
Enjoy your vacay. Send pics to make me jealous please.
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I need to get big hurting off my chest.
For today in the afternoon a call with my lawyer was scheduled so I drove to the farm in the morning to see what’s going on, maybe have a talk with my ex. I arrived and saw that he moved out! Not a single word and if I weren’t there I wouldn’t have known it for who knows how long.
The house looks dead empty without his furniture and him. I was devasted. It hit me like a bomb. I mean so little to him that I’m not even worth a good by.
I hate myself for being so emotional. It feels like he left me, ghosted me, took away a part of my life. I did not realize that it was comforting to know he was at the farm, that I assumed he will stay there until finances are settled. I feel dumb like duckshit. Of course he said he will move out but after more than half a year without anything happening I got accustomed to him being at the farm. And now this.
I will take inventory in the next days to get an overview. He did nothing other than the fucking bullshit stonewall, the grass is high, the trees are uncut. I had a breakdown in therapy talking about WTF how can I alone make all this livable and working. And the princess in me was sobbing that all she wanted to come home to her man and now there’s no home and no man anymore.
Every time my life is nice and things are going fine and I feel stable … BAM 
I’m wondering how much fuckup sabotage life can throw on me.
My lawyer is a pragmatic man. He told me how we will go on with the finances if there’s no answer from my ex’s lawyer by the end of the week. He also told me that the moving out is good, I have to overcome this relationship and avoid contact. Easier said than done. My codependent heart is sobbing and screaming, completely ignoring the facts that we are divorced, this relationship is long over, he lost his love for me long ago, my love is longing for an illusion, I make a fool of myself nearly every time we talk because I’m emotional and he is annoyed. There is nothing left. Basta. Can somebody please tattoo this into my heart, soul, brain and on the forehead of this princess in pink in me who ignores reality completely (maybe 4 years old with adult issues?)
Rant end. Now I’m feeling better.
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Wow that is horrible. The shock of it all really gotta hurt. Once you get over the shock and all I bet this is just what you needed. As hard as it is right now.
Change the locks. And listen to your lawyer. I mean there was no good way for him to leave. And now you know exactly where you are. You can have a few days to be angry. Pissed off. Mad as hell. Sad. Gut punched. Feel it all. I bet by next week you’ll be right back up on your feet with some good plans for you and your future.
I don’t know. I don’t mean to make light of all this. But I think you already been through the toughest part and you’re a survivor. And maybe now you got plenty of time to get things all worked out the way YOU want them before the cold weather comes.
Big hugs my friend.
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