From here too, for the both of you also.
@Dazercat and wifey.
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Thanks you guys.
@erntedank
You are so sweet to think of me now it’s October.
At least I know I’ll be sober. It doesn’t really matter what she does. It’ll all work out in the end. And today I’m not gonna worry about it.
I’m sticking to HOPE - everything happens for a reason.
Love you guys
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I am sorry, Eric, that things turned out like this. It sure must be horrible to see this transformation and not being able to stop it.
I could somehow hear you sigh of relief that your friends now know and maybe they will also lend you and open ear when you need it.
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I’m so grateful.
Some mornings I find exactly what I need.
I been struggling. Or more like reverting back to old habits. And then I start beating myself up again because no, I’m not ok, after she gets so wined up that she can’t walk and staggers through the hotel lobby and I’m trying to prevent her from falling down. Yes I’m angry. Yes I resent that she did that. Yes I missed the beautiful month we had with her sober. Truthfully I couldn’t just shake it off and let it go. It hurt 
maybe I just have to give it time. Just like any other kind of healing.
Then I got these readings this morning.
From, Todays Hope .com
Dear self: Don’t get so worked up over things you can’t change or people you can’t change. It’s not worth the anger buildup or the heartache. Control only what you can. Let go.
~Love me
After feeling the hurt and pain for a couple of days it was just what I needed to read this morning as I think and really want to let go.
And then this powerful reminder 
Forgiveness Is for Me
I have a family that I love, but it has not always been happy. I craved and sought my mother’s love and validation my entire life, with very little success. I went back again and again only to be embarrassed, shunned, chastised, or made to feel guilty. Every time, I left feeling hurt and sometimes mad, which really just covered up the hurt. I would ask myself, “Why does she do this? What have I done to deserve this? When will she tell me I am a lovely, worthwhile daughter and that she is proud of me?”
I was stuck in this place for many years—a perpetual victim. I went to therapy, discussed it with my partner, journaled about it, and tried all kinds of strategies to gain favor with my mom. While these things helped a bit, what really helped me find freedom was forgiveness.
In Al-Anon, I have learned to have compassion for the alcoholic—to separate the person from the behavior and to forgive them. I discovered that forgiveness isn’t some magnanimous act that lets others off the hook. It is about me and for me! First, I have no business judging another—the alcoholic, my mom, or anyone. Second, when I have compassion and find the willingness to love others despite their behaviors, I make room to consider forgiveness.
Finally, when I forgive, I let go.
Forgiveness gives me my life back! It gives me peace, calm, and serenity. It gives me time and energy to spend on the sweetness of life instead of a merry-go-round of complaining and keeping resentments alive. It gives me a doorway through which to love my mother despite all of the hurts that I have experienced.
As my mother grows old, I am finding my way to loving her unconditionally. If I am being honest, I sometimes revert back to my old way of thinking, but today, I strive to spend less time there and move more quickly toward forgiveness.
By Joy F., Saskatchewan February, 2022
Well, it’s been a couple of days now and I guess I’m willing to let go. Forgive. Fake It Til I Make It. Whatever………
I’m grateful today is a new day.
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That quote from Joy could have been my text, sans alcoholism bc my mom has different issues… Still very hurtful and unfair. They get under our skin and hurt us easily bc they are so close to us. I couldn’t love my family if I hadn’t forgiven (and still keep forgiving) them. And I couldn’t have forgiven them without Christ compelling me and helping me.
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I think this is key…
I make room to consider forgiveness.
First we have to become willing and then we need to be able to even tolerate the situation we are trying to forgive. How can we forgive something when we cant shake the feeling of resentment? Its just not possible… I am working hard on this in my own recovery. For me, becoming tolerant of the situation so that I do not fall into attaching emotions has been what is helping me. I find tolerance very difficult on a good day so practicing this within a situation that causes me distress, sadness or anger takes a lot of effort, but its to only way I am able to even get close to forgiving. Tolerance is way different than accetance too which i like. I dont always want to accept others shitty behavior but tolerating it can get me just as close to forgiving.
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Let me first say that I am a recovering heroin and meth addict and today I have 4 months and 23 days clean and sober! This is the longest I’ve been sober in over 10 yrs and every day I thank my higher power for giving me another chance at sobriety, but I’ve been struggling with my mom who relapsed after having 17 yrs sober after my brother killed himself… She often says things like she rather be with my brother, or that she’s so over this life why doesn’t God jus take her already, and I literally found her on the kitchen floor once already after she took what was supposed to be a baby blue (oxy 30mg) but instead was a pressed Fetty pill. Idk how to help her?!? She says she wants to be sober and then she has a million other reasons why she can’t get sober jus yet. For my own sobriety I can’t go around her too much bc our relationship isn’t always the best and I’m afraid she will get me in the mood to jus say fuck it, so I keep my distance. But I want to help her before she ends up killing herself you know? I’ve tried to get her to go to detox but her whole issue right now is that she has no medical and her husband who isn’t willing to help at all, makes too much money for her to get state insurance. I feel like I’m slowly watching my mother kill herself and I really don’t know how to help any suggestions?
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Fucking boundaries.
They can be so hard to set.
So right now I’m doing FIRST THINGS FIRST
I don’t want to go out to lunch with you TODAY if you’re going to drink.
Holy shit is she mad!!
She tied one on last night. And I had a nice day yesterday not going out to eat with her drinking.
Ya, so our life is going out to eat a lot in case you haven’t noticed. What can I say.
Right now we’re slamming doors stomping around the house. Hopefully she’ll cool off later.
I’M DOING NOTHING WRONG.
I don’t want to be out with her if she’s drinking.
But yes I would go out to lunch with her if she didn’t drink.
So, I ask myself: “
is that trying to control her drinking” 
I don’t think so. Yes she can drink at home. Yes, she can go out by herself and drink. (She won’t.)
I, just for today don’t want to be out to lunch with her if she’s going to drink. I don’t know how else to phrase it.
The Beast is on the loose.
I just wanted to share here. I could run off to a meeting at 1. But I kind of think that wouldn’t be a great idea. So that’s why I’m sharing it here.
I enjoyed my open AA speaker meeting last night. That was different and she didn’t like that I left her last night at dinner time for a 5:30 meeting. But it was so nice to get away.
Oh and if anyone saw my gratitude post yesterday I never did get that dinner 
maybe that’s why I’m so codependent when I offered to make it after lunch even though she said she’d make it. But I laughed 
when I got home. I cooked when I got home. She was nappatizing 
and it came out wonderful.
I think I’ll go stretch and STFOOTW
New acronym
Stay
The
Fuck
Out
Of
The
Way
I got a nice pool to sit by and maybe a football game to watch.
Boy is she angry 
Thanks for reading.
#FUCKALCHOL
Instead of a quote at the end of this. How bout a joke
Why do Al-Anoners close their eyes when they’re having sex?
They don’t want to see the alcoholic having a good time 
I found a speaker meeting with tons of them
And one of my mantras.
I did nothing wrong.
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You did nothing wrong. And there’s nothing wrong with repercussions and/or boundaries. Proud of you and standing by you w support.
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I am so sorry, that sounds tough. Well done on your continued sobriety, especially in those circumstances. I don’t have any advice myself, but could you try one of the support groups? I think you do need to maintain a distance to protect your own sobriety.
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“So, I ask myself: “
is that trying to control her drinking”
Difficult situation but maybe look at it the other way. Should her drinking control your choices?
My drinking controlled what went on in my house because I was unable and unwilling to see things any other way. I am an alcoholic and when I was active EVERYTHING revolved around me and I was a dick when things didn’t go MY way.
I feel for you because you are struggling with an impossible balance of your inner peace and serenity with spending ‘quality’ time with someone you love. 
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Thanks Alisa.
I’m trying.
This is good stuff right here 
I love when y’all tell me to look at it differently.
And that’s the whole thing I’ve discovered the last few days.
I actually told her yesterday I’m happiest when you’re not drinking. Now, I can definitely find happiness whether my loved one is drinking or not. It takes work. And I gave her 
credit and told her she was right when she said she wished I wouldn’t worry so much about her drinking. Or be anxious. And I realize I cannot live like this.
I might just have to get an Al-Anon sponsor. Or at least start going out for coffee with some of the guys from my Al-Anon groups. But for right now I have to try and remove myself from the public chaos. It’s actually pretty eye opening for me. Of course I’d love my wife to quit drinking. But I guess that’s not my end result. My end result is for me to be able to make my choices and be comfortable with her whether she (or anyone else) is drinking or not.
Thanks for that. I really appreciate. I’ll be using this in a meeting I’m sure.
At least now we are sitting outside being civil and chatting. She’s got her wine. I’m ok with it. And we’ll see what happens tomorrow.
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This is her drinking in public or just the ‘public’ chaos in your own home?
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Her drinking when we go out for lunch.
For lunch here I can eat outside or in another room. And most usually she waits til 2. So with that said I’m kinda trying to control her drinking. 
Which I cannot. It’s just different when we are home. Hard to explain. She can go out and drink lunch without me.
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I’m not you I don’t have benefit of Al Anon and I’m not in the situation that you’re in.
As an outsider, I saw her do a really great job in September and really proud of herself. Yes, she had an agenda. It was just for September.
In my own home, me, not you, because I cannot speak for you or even suggest to you what you could do.
It’s all different for everybody.
In my, Alisa’s, own home, I would write down the things that made me happy about the September experience, and I would put them on a piece of paper and put them
on the wall where they are visible.
You are being honest with her.
I admire that and I’m glad that y’all are talking about all this. It’s not that elephant anymore.
I would video her when she’s drinking. She’s apologetic about it. She can’t believe she did this. She can’t believe she did that. She wants to keep it a secret. I’m not sure on that part .
Confronting her with what she does is not controlling her. It’s making her aware of what you see and what she’s apologizing for. It’s helping her be responsible for her behavior. it’s helping her be 100% aware of her behavior.
She likes to keep up with the news. She can keep up with her own news in her own home.
And again I have a lot of respect for her and I like her.
I’m not trying to say bad things about her. I realize she has a problem drinking.
I’m just sorry for both of y’all, that this is what you two have to go through.
She wants to get upset and ruffled because you don’t want to go out to one lunch.
What about the three years or the 3 3/4 years that you’ve had her drunk in your home.
Yes it’s her home also.
Thanks for listening to me vent my frustration.
You know, I wish you the best on it. And also her.
What does she think she’s getting back by drinking that she didn’t have in September? Her whole life changed and she was happy with it. Grateful for it. Accepting of it.
Thanks for listening to me. And I hope I don’t upset you.
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You never upset me. I always, always know you mean the best possible outcome for us. I’m sure it breaks your heart too and you probably feel helpless as well.
It’s just a cunning and baffling disease. I wish I had better answers for you. Apparently she was not all that happy in September. Especially that last week. And apparently, I was too happy to be living a normal chaos free from alcohol life.
A person with a disease has to be willing to get help for their disease. I cannot explain it better than that.
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At herself because she cant control her drinking. She is just redirecting it at you, Im sorry you are her target.
I also used to get confused with boundaries and wonder if i was being controlling or willful. To help myself I just started to ask myself why… so why dont you want her to drink at lunch. If your answer was something like because I dont want her to hurt and make a fool of herself in public then yes maybe youre trying to control her drinking. If your answer is something like I dont enjoy my lunches with her when she drinks, I am anxious and uncomfortable. Then in my opinion you are setting a boundary based on a desire on what you want from a lunch with your wife, and you deserve that. You deserve to enjoy your time out with your wife and not be a ball of anxiety.
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Thanks
It’s the second one.
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I’m just now getting caught up so sorry for the late reply. I’m so f**king proud of you for using your voice, setting that boundary and more importantly, sticking to that boundary. Go you! You did absolutely nothing wrong!!
When I read your gratitude yesterday about her making dinner, I said to myself… there’s not gonna be any dinner when he gets home. 
Glad you were able to laugh it off. I bet it was worth it getting out and going to that meeting though. Meetings are a form of self care in my opinion.
I hate this insidious disease! Cunning, baffling, powerful!
Keep sticking to those boundaries. Sending you love and hope for a better day today. 
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@Its_me_Stella , appreciate this wisdom.
I’m sending you love and gratitude, Eric. You’ve been so supportive when I’ve come to vent, and I’m grateful for this thread where we can all air it out. It’s so damn difficult to maintain equanimity at times. To not bite the hook, to be clear about our own actions and feelings, to be strong and supportive while maintaining healthy boundaries , all of that stuff.
Hope this isn’t too inappropriate…but it reminds me of your advice about WAIT.
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