Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

james83 · January 29, 2024, 12:46am

Hey there !

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this thread. I started reading it because I was finally in a place where I could hear what MY family had been going through with my alcoholism until I started trying to turn things around a year or so ago. It’s so valuable to remind myself of what my loved ones went through by reading thoughts like yours. Thank you.

One thing in your story struck a chord for me. That was the “2 glasses” agreement, and the slippery slope it’s leading to. You acknowledge the “holiday exemption”, the “size of pour” modification and now the “oh well it’s 3” evolution. It’s obvious to you and anyone who has struggled with alcohol and accepted that fact that she’s sliding - the warm cooking wine from boxes? We all know that move. What’s next, the higher strength wine for more of a buzz from the 3 glasses? I know I did that one! The point I’m getting to is that these rules and fences are just hurting you, just like they did for my wife. My drinking “calendar” was a prime example of restrictions we both agreed on, then I broke anyway and then we argued about. It wasn’t until she accepted that it was MY problem and she couldn’t fence me in that I changed. She told me what she thought and then managed to let me be. In my case it was a big part of why I started down this sober path. I was no longer fighting her for my alcohol freedom any more, so I had to be honest with myself that it was ME with the problem and not her controlling me. It didn’t take many more bad choices for me to get there, but it must have been scary for her on the way. I hope you manage to find a way to be at peace with her choices, and I hope she wants to join you on your sober journey too. Sending strength my friend.

Dazercat · January 29, 2024, 1:22am

Thanks for your insight James. And I get to live with a happy reminder I never want to be shackled by booze ever again.

Ya I got to work on that boundary. I don’t even know how we got to that. I know next time she gets wasted I’m getting on a plane because I don’t want to be around her if she gets that pissed. To coin a British phrase. Then she figured out this damp January where she said she figured out she could have 6 glasses a wine a week. Which equals 2 glasses at dinner 3 nights a week. I’m exhausted just explaining it. And it was kind of agreed she wouldn’t go over and if she did I could leave a go visit my children so I don’t have to be around her in a drunken state.

And ya. We all know it’s a progressive disease and I’m watching progress in real time. So I definitely got to work on this boundary. I’ll be seeing my sponsor and talking to my therapist tomorrow. She’s an addiction counselor, and I’ll work with them at what I got to do to protect my sanity and not be around unacceptable behavior.

Next thing you know she’ll want a bottle in the house.

The 2 drink thing is definitely not working and driving my crazy it doesn’t matter how we got here. It’s so hard. I’m headed to a meeting and getting as much support as I can. Somehow I’m going to be alright. Both my sponsor and therapist have about 30 plus years sobriety each. So I’m in good hands and will listen to people that know more than me.

Cheers mate.
Drop us another pic of my favorite country when you got time.

Pattycake · January 29, 2024, 3:38pm

This is powerful, James. Thank you. Helps me keep perspective in my own situation.

Its_me_Stella · February 1, 2024, 3:02am

Great stuff. Sorry to read you have been going through it. Sucks.

Dazercat · February 1, 2024, 3:09am

Thanks

Well I’m surrounding myself with recovery even more if that’s possible. I’m meeting my Al-Anon sponser at his AA meeting Thursday night to check it out. And I already got a 10 Al-Anon meeting on Thursday. And I’m still doing the Friday night AA meeting. Plus my other 4meetings. And lunch out with John from Al-Anon again. And coffee once a week with my sponser. And I got my therapist once a week.

I’m grateful I’m going to be ok no matter what. Cuz that’s what I do.

Oh and I found an Al-Anon speaker meeting on Wednesdays in Phoenix. It’s one of the first, if not the original Al-Alon fmeeting in the Valley. And I’m hopefully going to an old timers speakers Al-Anon convention and pot luck lunch in 2 Saturdays. Look at me fucking go and take care of myself!!

Its_me_Stella · February 1, 2024, 3:42pm

I am so proud of you.

The CoDA daily meditation book is pretty good, I also have the step guide.

Here is a little sampler pack in case you’re interested.

SFS · February 1, 2024, 4:08pm

Yes, following.

Dazercat · February 1, 2024, 7:09pm

Than you

And Thank You

erntedank · February 2, 2024, 12:46am

TW controversial, TMI, …

I don’t know where to put my thoughts, so I put them here as my best logical option.

I’m deeply grateful and have learned a world from the sharings here. I admire all people who fight the fuck out of hell for their relationships.

And I often ask myself: Would we - me and my exhusband - still be together if I had put more work and effort in … and here I go:

in myself?
nope, I would have sent him to hell if I had cared for myself properly and had said fuck off to my codepenency.
into better coping with a loved one who is an addict?

maybe. but I was so fed up with his behaviour and it hurted so much that I had not a single day more in me to live with this shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love(d) him and I loved our life. The problem was: There was no togetherness anymore, no love, cuddling, intimacy, talking. Only a rudimentary routine in daily spots of togetherness. Every hamster has more quality time. So what the fuck was our life? beside the hi & by, good morning & good night some talks about (un)important tasks and NOTHING us. nothing. i begged, screamed, left, bargained, brought things to the table and was ignored. my walls and my cats were more responsive and listening.
The fucking hurtful, devasting truth is: when your spouse doesn’t want to listen, answer and engage YOU ARE FUCKED. Helplessly, lonley, abondened, left over, treated like a matter of course. YOU DON’T COUNT. And so do your needs, desires, longings and your love.
I don’t know if I will ever heal from this. I’m grateful for what I did.

seeking help
Yes. I sought help too late for me. If I sought help earlier, I’m back to the first point.

I’m not capable to live my life in agony only bearing everything alone and working on me with a spouse who today still neglects any alcohol or relationship problems.

To be honest I would be dead by now if I hadn’t done a big bang crash to save myself. I would have committed suicide, what prevented it was my then in her last stage of life mum. I would never had done that to her.

To be honest, when I read about how people fight, and their spouses/partners are at least aware there is a problem, I’m envious.
To be honest I sometimes feel like a failure because I did my faire share to the miserable of our relationship.
To be honest I am furious that me, myself and I can clean the divorce - that he wanted - up. I hate feeling helpless, I can not cope with his bullshit behaviour and the only thing that keeps me sane and out of jail is my faith that everything will turn out as it is supposed to be.

No, I don’t fucking deal with such bullshit, never again. No, I am not willing to live my life in coping mechanisms and that’s it, what for ?? For more drunken bullshit and some sober highlights? Fuck, I was the cooked frog. Bad luck for my ex, it was a pot of nitroglyzerine when he forced the last drop.
No, love alone it not enough. When your spouse doesn’t see, have, feel, sense a problem and urgency and you are on you last legs it’s fucking over. For your own sake and survival.
I borrowed years from tomorrow.
Don’t borrow from tomorrow. When your energy for today is run out, quit.
Some days I called it a day after feeding the cats after I left him. The hardest work are and were my inner boundaries.
I’m fine again, on a good way to my genuine self.
I will be there when it stops hurting that I could not live a relationship for the both of us. Then I will be free of this fucking codependent thinking and it does not go away only with kindness. Sometimes I have to kick its ass out of myself.

I pray for all of us to find peace

JazzyS · February 2, 2024, 2:05am

I do hope that you are able to re-read this and see the powerful woman that you have become. I did not know you then but in the almost year of being on this site i have seen the enormous changes in you. How you are showing up for yourself and setting your boundaries and seeing your own self worth. These all HUGE and i know it doesn’t stop there. You are putting your life back together and i am thrilled to see more social activity. So very healthy.

I loved the line of having borrowed years from tomorrow. Sometimes we need to do that in order to survive today. This is ok friend. With love and self care you can start giving back to the energy for tomorrow

you kick ass - you be kind - you do whatever it takes to find your ground. know we are here to support and love you on your journey so you are not alone:heart:

Pattycake · February 11, 2024, 3:43am

So…. I’m back here re reading posts. I am so grateful this is here! I know I’m going to ramble and it won’t always make sense, but here goes.
Ever since I was a little girl, when things got tough at home, bickering or fighting with sibs, I would go completely ballistic, pack a little suitcase with my doll and a packet of crackers, and I’d run away from home. To the little park next door.
When I got old enough to ride a bike, then I could run away farther. It always ended up the same of course, once it started to get dark I would go back home. Nobody said a thing about it, they were used to “Patty blowing her stack and losing it” once in a while. What can I say? I grew up in a chaotic environment.

To this day I remain a very emotional person and a real codependent. I avoid conflict like the plague, stuffing my resentments into the back of my head until it can’t hold them anymore, but not being able to just let them go. I vent to friends, too much. I vent here, and that is very helpful.

But letting go? That is a huge problem. When I don’t let go of frustration or resentment, then my husband gets those vibes from me. And it makes him feel worse.
So then he digs in his heels and I get more upset, and it’s these times when I want to run away. My most recent example is wanting to go to Hawaii. I began planning my trip but then realized I was just running away again like I always do. Running away gives me a brief feeling of freedom and bravery. But it doesn’t last and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything. So I am going to have to grow up. Pull up my big girl pants and face reality.

My husband loves me, he genuinely wants the best for me. He has done amazing things in his life, and is a kind and helpful person. When he drinks and smokes his pot, he’s never mean or nasty. But his habits are slowly sapping his energy and motivation. He’s more depressed . He’s super sensitive. This triggers my codependency big time.

I know I have no control over anything he does or doesn’t do. He knows I’m concerned about his health, he knows I think he drinks too much and smokes too much pot. So I have to leave him be now and let him figure his shit out.

Thanks , just had to get this off my chest.

erntedank · February 11, 2024, 6:40am

Vent away @Pattycake sharing helps to get it off the chest and sort the thoughts. Sending big hugs to you
I think learning to let go is a process of little steps, at least for me. I already see it as coping better when I’m able to stop or transform resentment a bit for example. What made it lot easier on the emotional side for me in the last years was deliberately being and practicing kindness to myself. When I’m kind to myself and talk to myself in a nice and apprechiating way I always notice a shift in focus and letting go is easier.
You are a good and caring person. There’s nothing wrong with wishing your beloved husband would stop harming himself with drugs. It’s ok to long for better life quality and togetherness. It robs a lot of energy to deal with a loved one who uses. It’s ok to be sad and sometimes furious. You are human, we want and need connection, the most with the people we love. Active addiction makes this very hard and limited.

You are working on yourself honestly. Maybe the little runaway can find a safe home in the adult Patricia. Maybe those two together find new ways to go through life.
Sending kindness, peace and more hugs to you

Dazercat · February 11, 2024, 2:42pm

Tell me about sister I guess you just did.
As you know I’m in Al-Anon and AA meetings all week. I actually really like going now. I’ve found Lots of love and hope in those rooms.

Anyway……I’m not here to advertise that.

But letting go sucks!
I hear it so many times “just let go; let god.(picture my voice going high pitched with with a Marcia Brady or Elle Woods smile . I want to punch them in the face! )

I guess I just keep Faking It Til I Make It! And I don’t think I’ll ever make it. But Fake It Til You Make It works a bit for me. It’s not an Al-Anon approved slogan though.

Like today. Or yesterday. All is well. I found us a house in Cali. I’m flying home early so we can go with our original plan of me cooking dinner at home and watch the Super Bowl together. Football is the only sport we like to watch together now. Already got my flight. Now she says, let’s go out to dinner. And my brain goes, SHE ONLY WANTS TO GO OUT TO EAT SO SHE CAN HAVE A DRINK! and now that’s all I can think about not the cool house I found. Not the offer we are putting in. Not the stress of moving. How are we possibly going to do this? My mind goes right to. She only wants to do this or that because she wants a drink. And I don’t know if that’s a fact or not. But I do know alcoholics. And there is no booze in the house. But it’s been such a great week so much unexpected excitement etc…… and why can’t I just not think that way. And I can’t let go. Well thanks to your post maybe putting it out here and sharing it with you can help me.

Anyway. Just let go!

Maybe someday I’ll get it.

You really use to pack it up and run away? Good thing you had your crackers and doll How adorable

Pattycake · February 11, 2024, 3:56pm

Thank you for your kind words. Much appreciated.

Pattycake · February 11, 2024, 4:03pm

Thanks for your support, Eric. yup, sometimes my doll would roll around in my suitcase and smash the crackers to bits. I’d come home with a bunch of crumbs all over.
Will keep working on letting things go.
A house in Cali, though! Congrats!

Cherry_Kisses · February 15, 2024, 5:34am

I have a loved one, but they are in God’s hand. It is out of my control. Running on self will,only gets my bum kicked every single time

Mischa84 · February 18, 2024, 9:28am

I just wanted to say that my hormones are all over the place and my husband is trying to quit smoking.
Imagine that

SoberWalker · February 18, 2024, 9:33am

Sorry about the laugh
But I see it in action in my mind.

Glad I’m not in your shoes Mischa!
Maybe today is the day for a long bath ore walk and leave him the kids to get some distraction?

Mischa84 · February 18, 2024, 9:40am

Luckily he’s away for few hours today so I’m with little Lucifers alone.
They were making some “art work” today, paper all over the floor. I told them to clean it or somebody gonna slip on it while walking and fall. They didn’t. 2 min later Sacha slipped, obviously, crying on the floor, all drama mode. And me? “HAHAHA! I told you so!!! ”. That kind of mother I am today

AyBee · February 18, 2024, 10:22am

This thread is achingly real.
The realist of real.

I see parts of myself in many of the stories, and from both sides.
It pierces through any complacency or comfort longer term sobriety may offer and reminds in arresting clarity the torturous path addiction lays out.

To all who have been so open and vulnerable in this thread, thank you.