The year 2018 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I quickly stopped taking any and all substances and started taking my daily prenatal vitamins. The 20 week anatomy scan comes around, and he had multiple birth defects linked to his genetic syndrome. Fast forward a year and I have a whole 11 month old bouncing little boy. He successfully got his heart defect repaired before his heart stopped and he was diagnosed brain dead. He passed away a month before his 1st birthday. And as you can imagine, I’ve been having a really difficult time coping. He’s been gone for an entire year now. And I’ll be clean for a couple days but will always drink and then buy coke. I blacked out last night and I went through my boyfriends phone. I don’t remember anything but screenshots were sent and I was chastised. Today is the beginning to my sobriety. To my stability. To my health. To my relationships. I could’ve ruined my three year relationship with my sons father. I jeopardized our family, and our future. Despite those toxic traits I displayed last night in the midst of a blacked out rage, I am so fucking proud of my self. Thank you all for taking the time to read I’d love to hear any similarities or experiences you have with mine. All my love, lex
I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through with your son Lex. I just want to say hi and welcome to Talking Sober. Makes me glad you found your way here. This place has meant so much to me in retaining my sobriety, and I hope it can be for you too. By sharing (like you just did), by learning, by supporting, by being supported.
Do you have any other support Lex? You’ve taken the first step which is massive. Now to take the next one, and the next and the next. We can’t do it alone. We need help. From our peers, from professionals maybe. We need all the help we can get. Together we can make this. It is so worth it! Welcome again, wishing you all success, much love and many hugs your way. x
Not really I’ve been going to therapy on and off again last 7 years. I just wanted to share a part of my story with you guys. Thank you for the beautiful welcome💘
Hi Lex and the warmest welcome to you! I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I can not relate to your pain, I’m not a mother, but my heart hurts anyway when I read your story. So sad.
What I can relate to is you keeping yourself stuck in that period of grief where you’re angry, furious, destructive. It’s the drugs and alcohol that keep you there. I think when you get sober and begin the work of recovery, you’ll begin to process your grief further. And hopefully learn to live with the loss eventually. And you’ll have a new life. As you say in your post, you still have a family, even though your son has passed away. And maybe at some point the family can also grow again.
Look after yourself. Definitely continue going to therapy, I’d suggest intensify. Steady, intense companionship by someone who is strong enough to guide you through your pain. It can be done. I’m already proud of you too. Something strong is coming through your message. Something that has not given up but is very much willing to fight. That’s exactly what you need.
Here are some resources and stuff:
Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Hope to see you a lot around here!
With all of these warm welcomes, I’m not going anywhere. Thank you ❤️🩹
Hi and welcome to the community 
Thank you for sharing your experience, your going through a really tough time, I can only imagine how you feel.
I gave up alcohol and cocaine during a really difficult situation that’s still ongoing, so it can be done- although at the time of quitting I couldn’t see or even imagine I’d be clean and sober today.
Breaking the cycle is hard and for me, not drinking that first drink is how I broke it. Also this community here, the support shared between us all is so powerful it has kept me sober and clean.
I’m glad you found us here and keep reaching out and reading other experiences- it helps to know we arent alone, that we are all here together for eachother.
Welcome to TS. I’m so glad you are here. I can’t imagine the pain you have experienced. There are many on this app and in other sobriety communities that have gone thru similar. Community is key to staying sober.
I’m sorry for your loss Lex and I hope you find this group to be of use to you.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much, I’ve been able stay clean from cocaine but alcohol has always made me weak and the cycle would repeat. I’m looking forward to my sobriety journey and to continue sharing with you all. 
It was good, went smoothly considering the day I had.
Thank you so much❤️🩹
Thank you I appreciate the support ❤️🩹
Hi Lex hope your doing alright tonight and had a good day. It’s a brand new month already, glad.to have you here sharing about your start in sobriety great you found us. We’re all here fighting similar struggles, if you need help along the way theres always someone here willing to listen or offer suggestions. So sorry to hear about your loss, that must be so tough. Sending a warm welcome and remember we dont have to struggle alone. 
Thank you so much!! Yesterday was good today’s starting off a little rough but I’m gunna try to refocus and journal some before I get in my head. I find myself wanting to numb myself, especially when I’m having issues with my partner. But I’m hopeful still thank you for the welcome:blush:
How have you been lately? Sorry for your loss. How have you been holding up these days?
Sincerely 6 days sober currently tweaking for coke and vodka