Hi Lex and the warmest welcome to you! I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I can not relate to your pain, I’m not a mother, but my heart hurts anyway when I read your story. So sad.
What I can relate to is you keeping yourself stuck in that period of grief where you’re angry, furious, destructive. It’s the drugs and alcohol that keep you there. I think when you get sober and begin the work of recovery, you’ll begin to process your grief further. And hopefully learn to live with the loss eventually. And you’ll have a new life. As you say in your post, you still have a family, even though your son has passed away. And maybe at some point the family can also grow again.
Look after yourself. Definitely continue going to therapy, I’d suggest intensify. Steady, intense companionship by someone who is strong enough to guide you through your pain. It can be done. I’m already proud of you too. Something strong is coming through your message. Something that has not given up but is very much willing to fight. That’s exactly what you need.
Here are some resources and stuff:
Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Hope to see you a lot around here!