I am feeling very panicky and stupid about food and weight and really need a reality check.
I have been trying to control binging and also lose weight very very slowly. I had a extremely reasonable goal for before I visited the UK and for the end of this year. I have been focussing more on healthy eating than the weight loss, and weighing myself very infrequently. I have had reduced obsessive thoughts about food and weight, all good.
I reached my goal for before the UK with a month or more to spare. I was elated, and for some reason got it into my head to try and reach the end of year goal before I go to the UK. And of course, obsessive thoughts are back, getting (internally) upset when the kids want to eat an ice cream together, because I wonāt lose weight as fast. I donāt know why my head has gone all crazy when I am in a place where it doesnāt need to be.
Oh how I feel you girlā¦ I feel similar lately. I donāt even know what to say, Iām not good in talking openly about myself, Iām not good in giving advices. I just want to say you are not alone, big hugs
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Crystal. Iām sorry to read your struggling so bad. Iāve never been married and I donāt have kids, so I canāt really give you good advice on that, but Iāve definitely been cheated on. I havenāt been in a relationship for 8 years, after the last asshole in my life I said ānever againā, and Iām still sticking to that. You are very lucky to have a support system of friends and family that care about you. You are certainly not worthless, and deserve a happy life. Maybe my question might seem harsh, but have you considered divorce? You donāt seem to be in a happy relationship. Congratulations on your sobriety, 1400 days is amazing, as I said before; you have it in you, but you need to believe that you deserve a happy life, that you are not āworthlessā. Sending you a big hug!
(and now, after writing all this, Iām gonna give it a good read again, and try to apply to myself! )
Iām sorry to read your struggling with your weight loss again, Fleur. At the end of the day itās all in your head. You had this realistic and doable goal, and your brain has fucked things up by, all of a sudden, setting a non-realistic goal, which you believe to be true. Are you seeing a nutritionist? Maybe you can get a guided meal plan with a professional, that sets an achievable goal? I always found it useful to go with a professional, though at the time I used to auto-sabotage my weight loss attempts with my drinking.
Donāt ya love it when we give all this amazing advice to other people and then a light bulb goes off likeā¦ Hmmm, maybe I should listen to my own damn self??
Regarding divorce, I pray continually to my higher power about what my next step is, how to navigate this and I wonāt make that decision without absolute peace and confirmation that it is necessary. I was in a really bad place when I wrote that last message. Iāve been with my husband since 1992. I love him. I recognize he is, as the Big Book says, a sick person too. Iām not ready to give up. But Iām closer than Iāve ever been in the last 31 years of being with him. Where Iāve landed today is that I will work to accept things for what they are, not expect them to be different, not try to clean up his side of the street, work on my recovery and becoming the person God intends me to be, change the things I can and let go of the rest.
Itās 12pm and I have an afternoon/evening filled with recovery plans. I love Sundays for that. I made it last night without eating the chocolate cake that found its way to my kitchen. Prayed for strength to make wise food choices today and acknowledged my powerlessness over it all. I resisted urges last night to eat. And am praying for the obsession to be lifted today. Thereās a good chance Iāll check in here later tonight too!
Ok so I have eaten a healthy dinner - that my 18yo cooked. Allowed myself one corner of the pan of brownies after dinner. Itās 9pm and I know without a doubt I have consumed an adequate amount of calories for the day. Probably even more than is ideal. But my body - my stomach area - feels unsettled and āhungryā. Itās been an hour and a half since I ate. I should be able to survive until breakfast in the morning. Why does my stomach do this to me every night?? I eat to settle it. Not because Iām hungry. I donāt feel anxious or anything. Itās just like around this time and 11pm every night my body/stomach tells my brain it should have more food. Itās not even the same as hunger pangs. Is there a word for this?? What is going on? I know I wonāt starve or do any harm to myself if I refrain from eating until I wake up in the morning. Why is my brain telling me otherwise? Is this addiction? Habit? Pre-diabetes? Ugh. I hate this feeling.
Could you drink something instead? At night I drink chai or lemon tea or something that feels a bit like a treat, when I am not hungry just ākuchi sabishiiā (mouth lonely)
I hesitate to drink after 10pm because then I end up waking up in the middle of the night because I need to use the bathroom. But I guess thatās the better of the two options. And here it is midnight and Iām still awake. Now I really want to eat. My brain wonāt turn off. Iām supposed to meet a friend to walk in the morning and the anticipation of having to get up early triggers anxiety about oversleeping. So Iām awake. So dumb.
I didnāt fall asleep when I got in bed at 9:30 last night. I was scrolling tik tok. Which then led me on a rabbit trail on Spotify as I was looking for a certain song. Next thing I know itās midnight, Iām still awake, the brain is not shutting off. So I try guided meditation but itās not really helping. I feel hungry of course because itās been 5 hours since I ate. So I go to the kitchen to make a cup of hot tea because thatās helped in the past. As Iām making the tea I see thereās a corner of the pan of brownies my daughter made last night thatās still there. Like a 2 inch square. One tiny brownie. So I ate it while waiting for the tea. Which of course triggered more hunger pangs. Which led to getting a 3oz package of trail mix out of the pantry. So I ate that. I drank the tea and it helped relax my head and calm my mind and I was instantly sleepy. A week ago I would have had 3 or 4 packages of the trail mix, busted open the bag of chips in the pantry and eaten mindlessly while I scrolled tik tok on my phone. So although I ate after 10pm, I didnāt binge like I usually do. And that is the behavior Iām trying to stop. I donāt know if I should reset my counterā¦ This food thing is so different than alcohol.
Things I need to do
Take tik tok off my phone - I really donāt wanna.
Drink a cup of hot tea to help me relax
Instead of being on my phone at night, read one of the three books I am supposed to be reading
I took TikTok off my phone a long time ago but it seems to be a preloaded app on some phones. Itās so annoying. As for hot tea, my favorite for relaxing at night is chamomile tea. There are other herbal teas too you can try, all caffeine free*.
*Be careful with taking certain teas that have valerian root in them if youāre on certain medications.
Last night Iāve noticed that I would mostly graze on cheese (sliced, string, whatever). Since then I havenāt had any cheese at all. Why I chose cheese is beyond me. Can you blame me, though? Cheese is delicious!
)
goes off likeā¦ Hmmm, maybe I should listen to my own damn self?? 
As for hot tea, my favorite for relaxing at night is chamomile tea. There are other herbal teas too you can try, all caffeine free*. 
