It’s okay. 
You’ll find the right combination that allows you to enjoy without having to reset. Keep being kind to yourself. You’ll get there.
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Day 244 : No binge today. 
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Day 245 : No binge today.
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Day 246 : No binge today.
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Day 247 : No binge today.
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Day 248 : No binge today.
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Nearly 250!
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Indeed, I’ve made it so far! 
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Day 249 : No binge today.
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Day 250 : No binge today.
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Day 251 : No binge today.
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Day 252 : No binge today.
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Day 253 : No binge today.
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Day 254 : No binge today.
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Late, but big congratulations on 250!
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Thanks so much!
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Day 255 : No binge today.
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Day 256 : No binge today.
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I am a runner.
And I injured my foot last Sunday. It felt fine yesterday, so I went and ran on it and it hurts again. Feels even worse than last time. And I freaked out. What will I do now if I can’t run? A horror scenario becoming true…
It is a kind of nightmare for every runner to suffer any injury. But I think it’s worse if you’re having Eating Disorder (I named mine Ed) and if you’re using excessive running like a tool to keep your calories in deficit. Which I didn’t know that I am doing, because Ed has never told me about it and he persuaded me that my daily checking on calories I burned is just out of curiosity. He persuaded me that I’m still running mainly for fun and that the running time increase is because I’m training for a Marathon, because I’m at the top of my performance and because I need to keep it that way. He told me that it’s ok that I lost some weight lately. I noticed that my (accordingly to my boyfriend’s words: “non existing”) belly is getting closer to the unreal image about how it should look like. But I was sure about the weight lost after few people told me, raising rather concern than admiration 
Ed told me that it’s fine because nobody really ever listens to advice from the people who are closest to us. So me and Ed only nodded to what they said and we even pretended some concern about it to be more trustworthy. But whenever I eat more than I’d like to I must make sure than some physical activity will follow. Because I don’t really want to gain some weight back, do I?
I counted my BMI with my boyfriend. To show him (and little bit to myself, too) that I am all ok. I am in the healthy bracket, therefore I am safe, right? But you know what, Ed? It’s just another number and the number (although not red {yet}) doesn’t mean I have a healthy thinking.
So before I get into bigger trouble, my amazing body stopped me (I really need to appreciate it much more). I’m sorry it had to be through injury. But I don’t think that I’d otherwise ever take a single thought about what’s really going on. I wouldn’t realise that Ed got me out of the recovery path, back to the way leading to dark woods. I heard that everything bad is for something good. Maybe.
So here I am. Reviewing last months of my life. I really got to the top of the performance and I really have passion for running. I even believe that this doesn’t have to change, but the intention and reasons “why I am running” have to. No more lies, Ed. I need to bring balance into my active life. And in order to do it I must go back to square one and ask myself the same questions again.
WHY DO I WANT TO BE SLIM?
WILL I BE MORE SUCCESSFUL?
Or is success something to do with a performance, determination, willingness to go forward towards the goal, getting over obstacles, not giving up, etc., rather than body-shape?
WILL I BE MORE FAVOURITE?
Or do people care about character, personality, kindness, trust, etc., rather than about body-shape?
WILL I BE MORE ADMIRED IN MEN’S EYES?
What kind of men it is who cares only about the body. Is it really the type I want to be meeting in my life? Because if so, how much do I actually appreciate myself?
I’m lucky enough to have the right man in my life already. Do I really believe that he’ll love me more or less based on my body-shape? Because if so, then I shouldn’t call him “the right man”.
I know it is not easy to demolish everything we truly believed in for so many of years and sometimes even for decades. And it’s not easy to rebuild habits we built up based on these beliefs. It requires lots of honesty and willingness to put the hard work into it. To go behind a comfort zone and start a whole new life. It requires to become vulnerable and to believe that world won’t abandon us if we don’t look like people in Magazines. It is hard stop listening to Ed and recognising his voice at the first place. But we all have the capacity of doing this.
Be brave. Give yourself love. Look at you - can you see yourself when you were a small girl? What would you want for her in her life? You still can give her a better life. Nobody else but you can change everything. And you can do it right now, at this moment. Start the work, open eyes and live your life with freedom in your mind.
We all can be free. Careless. Alive. 
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I’m sorry you hurt your foot and hope you’re back at top performance soon for you! For your mind!
It’s ok to want to have a fit body bc it makes you feel good. Your hard work, your pay off.
The other reasons don’t matter as you’ve stated.
Hope you’re soon back to running and glad you’re thinking about Ed.
Congratulations again on your two years.
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