The effects of my gluten adventure are still lingering in my body. At least I slept well enough. Took me ages to wake up and everything is still hurting. Apparently this takes time.
Today weāll be at the in-lawsā for cake and coffee. I donāt expect any of it to really trigger me. I already feel like crap and donāt need any of it. Itās usually emotionally exhausting but Iāll get through it.
Thanks everyone for your support with this situation. I feel a bit calmer about it today. You shared some great advice
Day 15 sugar/flour
Day 1 compulsive overeating
Being distracted had led me to stay up late, so I woke up late and didnt get to have my usual abstinent breakfast, so that kind of knocked me yesterday. Currently fighting to urge to snack extra after lunch. Sometimes i have a cup of decaf tea or coffee and that helps to settle me into a feeling of fullness and calm.
I usually try to get to OA online meetings a few times a week but since this guy has popped back up, Iāve had no interest in meetings. Itās like the thoughts of getting back together are pulling me in a different direction. Like if I had this relationship, I wouldnāt need to fight for my recovery, or anything, because everything would magically be ok lol. Which I know isnt true. I tend to lose focus on my own goals when Iām in relationships. Itās like the relationship becomes my goal, and Iām trying to squeeze an entire lifeās worth of satisfaction out of this one person, which isnāt fair to them.
Goals for today:
Eat normal balanced meals at proper times
Refocus my attention when i notice it drifting to him
@s00z3 I really like your self reflection about relationships
Food journal checkin.
Kept my food journal today, although I made one entry only after the meal cause I forgot before. This gluten episode has left me kind of depleted. It feels like my body is lacking some nutrients and wants to eat and eat. Iām quite sure this will sort itself out after a few days, but I was on the brink of overeating today with all my meals and especially dinner was very edgy. Iām not sure if it qualifies in my book as overeating. I did not loose control, I just felt unsatisfied and lacking, but I also ate enough to feel somewhat stuffed now. Iāll have to ponder this.
This whole food business is not a black-and-white affair.
54 days no crisps, no binge-eating.
0 days no takeaways, no sugar.
Here with so much regret. If I could cry, I would.
Had a visit with family for Easter. They were supposed to be having pizza and eating it in comfy seats, and I had already said I wasnāt having any. Then they changed their minds and decided to get Chinese food (my favourite), and eat it round the table. They wouldnāt support me in not eating with them and made me feel weak and small. I ate a ānormalā portion of food, and I didnāt feel out of control, because I was eating in front of people. I also tried a banana fritter,which comes in a small amount of syrup, and I also drank a glass of full sugar coca-cola, so I had to reset both counters. I am so gutted.
I need to be very vigilant over the next few days, because the last time this happened, it lead to a full blown relapse and lots of binge-eating on my own, including many more takeaways. I am determined to stay strong because I donāt want to have to reset that counter as well. If I did let myself have a totally out of control.binge, it could be another 6 years until I get back on track again.
Sweetie you have let no one down! Hereās why: eating and recovery from ED does not take place in a vacuum and is not as b/w as substance or even action based recovery.
While I 100% understand why you need to cut out takeaways and specific foods like crisp cos they lead to binges, they themselves can be consumed responsibility and non-alcoholically so to speak and this is what happened here imho. You did not overeat, you didnāt do it in secret, you didnāt lose control.
Yeah you were coerced and felt weak and not supported and that is not nice at all! But this was not going out and buying the shit by yourself and going full on self-hatred mode.
I would make a big differentiation there. I would make this partly also because not differentiating here could lead to that self-hate fuck it all binge - and that is not warranted. Itās not ever the right reaction, but also you have not failed. You have adapted to a circumstance. Not perfectly, but also not failed! And now youāre on your own again, you can and you must continue to do what is right for you.
I would consider an exit behaviour for next time. Set some boundaries. Boundaries mean, if they get overstepped I leave. But thatās not important rn. Rn you got to stay with yourself w love and compassion and have your best interest at heart. You deserve this. Give it to yourself, only you can.
@Faugxh already said it all. But I feel so strong about this issue of self love, I need to chime in.
You did not let anybody down.
In my book you did the right thing in those circumstances called life.
You prepared, you communicated your needs clearly, you had a plan. And then the circumstances changed. People around you were not very considerate. They did not adapt to your needs. This was shitty.
But: This is life. Circumstances change, people do their things, you adapt, you learn.
I really am sorry the whole thing went in a way that leaves you now feeling like a failure. It really sucks. But you are not a failure. And this short episode in your life absolutely does not warrant any kind of self loathing or self hate. Put a stop to this kind of thinking right there!
You dealt with the situation responsibly. You did not lose control. You learned so much for the future!
Now you know you have to keep up your vigilance in the following days regarding cravings.
Now you know that family gatherings might need an exit strategy.
Now you know that with the people around you communicating your boundaries proves to be more difficult than you thought.
Please be sooooo nice to yourself today. Give yourself love. Do things you really enjoy. Get comfy. Treat yourself like a warrior who just came back from a really exhausting fight. Youāre still standing albeit with a few scratches. Tend to your wounds and move on
Iām giving myself a pass for yesterdayās hunger episodes. For today I want to be more attuned to my satiety signals and whatever my body wants to tell me. Goal for today: Become a body whisperer
Food journal checkin.
Kept my food journal for today and ate mindfully. I can see how with time I am getting far better attuned to my body signals around food. I donāt have to pay this close attention to the eating process in order for the signals to register. I like that.
Another thing that has changed now over time is that even if sometimes I have a kind of knee-jerk-response to some situation where I want to eat or use food, another part of my brain immediately steps in and says how this reaction just does not make sense. Even with cravings this seems to be working better every day.
My hormonal cycle is nearing its end and cravings are coming up more frequently. I have to keep an eye on these as they can be quite intense but have in reality nothing to do with actually being hungry. Usually I need to ride them out. Ideally they will come during some kind of physical activity. Itās easier to work through them then.
I also crave more fat in my foods. I can accommodate that easily. I donāt measure my food in any way and I donāt feel like fat in itself is triggering for me.
Hello everybody. I havenāt been here for a while, obviously, i had a pretty significant relapse. But hey, iāll get back on that horse and keep updates. Mainly i felt very lonely and scared of the future and that completely derailed me. Iāll read some of your posts tomorrow to keep myself in fighting mode.
One month freedom from ultra processed foods. I like that. Considering that most of them have either sugar of some kind, gluten or dairy in them, most of it is out of the picture anyways.
Goals for today: Keeping my food journal, mindful eating, listening to my bodyās signals, taking brakes through the day for self checkin.
Iāll be going on a three day vacation on Thursday. This means leaving my safe food environment. Today I want to prepare, plan and do the necessary shopping.
56 days no crisps.
0 days no takeaways, sugar, binge-eating.
I knew this would happen. I feel like a monster. I eat ārealā food like a famished animal. Last night it was chocolate, pizza, and ice cream from the shop. Today it was more ice cream, popcorn, and a big takeaway.
I intend for this to be my line in the sand. I canāt let it continue. I feel like such a failure and my body is suffering the effects of my behaviours.
I am not safe around ārealā food in any regard. Just like any of the drugs I am sober from.
Exactly the same thing happened mid October last year when I ate a ānormalā portion of takeaway food with family, and it took me months to get back on track.
This was a good run. I acknowledge that, but I need to do better and have very rigid boundaries around food with family. They donāt, and never have taken any of my addictions seriously. The ones they are aware of atleast. So I need to be stronger, for myself.
@CATMANCAM Oh dear, this is such a bummer. I really am sorry this is happening to you. But please donāt be so hard on yourself. For almost two months you learned so much about yourself. You had so many positive experiences around yourself and your body and eating. Donāt take that away from yourself by beating yourself up.
And I really like your resolve with your family. Family can be so difficult to navigate. My mother in law keeps offering me cake every time we visit and asks why I wonāt have any. And she has known me now for almost 30years I donāt expect her to give up any time soonā¦
One thing about takeaway food, but also pizza, candy, ice cream and whatnot. These foods are specifically designed to make you binge on them or have stuff added to them to achieves this. Chinese takeaway for example is notorious for being full of MSG, a flavour enhancer. If you are very sensitive to these products - like I am - itās almost impossible to control your eating with these kinds of foods. I canāt, and it turns me into a food devouring monster. And I suffer. I suffer while I eat these, I suffer after, and I have a very hard time during the withdrawal phase after I ate such a food for days. Basically itās like taking this first drink, or in my case taking the first bite.
So maybe, maybe, you are also extremely sensitive in that regard, and should consider yourself as in active withdrawal and treat yourself accordingly. With compassion and a good plan.
Whatever happens Iām sending you lots of love and gratitude for being here, sharing and walking this path with us
Food journal checkin.
I kept my food journal today. This whole time change business is messing my internal clock and also my internal hunger clock. This will sort itself out soon, but right now itās confusing. Itās somewhat difficult to register my hunger signals cause they come later then usual. But Iām on it.
And I was mindful enough today to register when I had enough food and to stop eating. So thatās a win in my book.
@CATMANCAM I really feel for you, props to you for reaching out here for support and being so honest about everything. You havenāt let anyone down. I know a relapse like that could happen for me so easily. Having counters in the 50s is something I could only dream of at this point, and I genuinely admire you for having made it that far. Youāll get there again
@Elissa Welcome welcome Iām glad youāre here after relapse. Itās so hard to come back after. I know I always feel like a failure and ashamed to admit to others that I relapsed. Donāt be a stranger, keep posting and let us know how youāre getting on.
17 days Sugar/Flour
0 days compulsive overeating
Iām doing fine with keeping out binge foods, but I seem to keep bingeing on the foods Iām allowed to eat? Stuff like sugarless peanut butter that should be ok, I end up having way too much. My cravings/bingeing gets worse around the time I get PMS. Basically thereās about 10 days a month when I donāt trust myself, I have no idea whatās going to happen, what Iām going to do/say/eat, and my organisational skills take a major hit. My ADHD symptoms get worse. I used to just fall into a pattern of multiple daily binges, which would last the week, sometimes the month. Now, itās likeā¦not quite as bad, but I have a lot of trouble putting an end to meals. Itās like the hunger temporarily becomes bottomless, and nothing is enough. Maybe I just need to stack in more protein? Lower the carb and fat intake?
I feel so much better on the days I manage to eat just 3 meals. My head is clearer, and my stomach doesnāt hurt all the time. Itās still miraculous to me that it happens at all. Itās miraculous that Iām not bloated all the time, and suffering from the inevitable body dysmorphia. Went back to an OA meeting for the first time in over a week and cried. I need these meetings. I need to keep believing that I can do this, because when Iām on my own for too long, it really feels like Iāll never kick the bingeing.
Ah Cam. Iām so sorry. I think you are right in what you say re your family. The only thing that will protect you and your health and sanity is you. So you need to draw up boundaries and stand by them, cos no one else will. Even if they love you, itās nothing to do w that.
My family gave me lots of Easter sweets for me and my ex to pass on to him cos he had to leave early. And I ate both his and mine in two days. I tell them constantly how I donāt want to take sweets w me cos I can not not eat it. But I did take it so I am responsible for that. In my case itās not so dramatic, you feel quite different about yours and I get it.
Big hug my friend. Youāve learned a lot over these last two months and itās very obvious to me you are making a lot of progress. Youāll get there again!
Keep posting.
I donāt expect her to give up any time soonā¦
I know a relapse like that could happen for me so easily. Having counters in the 50s is something I could only dream of at this point, and I genuinely admire you for having made it that far. Youāll get there again 
But I did take it so I am responsible for that. In my case itās not so dramatic, you feel quite different about yours and I get it.