@s00z3 Good to see you back Suz This journey takes its time. It takes time to identify your triggers, to find a lifestyle that suits you, to work out strategies how to navigate difficult situations. Youāre doing it PMS with all the hormones going on a rollercoaster ride is especially hard. Youāll get through this!
Had another histamine reaction last night. Histamine intolerance and perimenopause donāt mix well. Iām starting to dread the next few days and nights. If this histamine shit keeps repeating, itās going to be exhausting. I really donāt need to have a panic episode every night. Especially with travelling.
But worrying in advance wonāt help. Iāll try to set up a low histamine diet for today and hope for better sleep. Other then that like with everything: ODAAT
Goals for today: Keeping my food journal, mindful eating, listening to my bodyās signals, taking brakes through the day for self checkin.
Hey @CATMANCAM
Family is not always understanding, unfortunatelyā¦ Itās not that they donāt care about us, but rather that theyāre not educated enough to understand what a big issue this can be for us. In many people mind itās just food and donāt eat it if you donāt want it. They donāt get that itās not a straight forward thing like this (I only with it was!).
It would certainly be easier with family support. Maybe try and talk to them to depth about how you feel and what would help you from their side. They still may not understand but maybe theyāll accept your boundaries.
But itās hard, I know. My dad still doesnāt appreciate that I had a drinking problem. Last time we went for coffee they also happened to offer alcohol there and he asked me if Iād like vodka. Like wtf, dad, honestly? Iām strong enough in my sobriety by now so it doesnāt trigger me a bit but it always makes me angry that someone like my own father says such a thing when I made clear to him multiple times that I had problems with alcohol and so I am not drinking anymore. My mum at the other side is very supportive and understanding. My grandad was an alcoholic who beat my grandma so my mum has bad experience with alcoholism like this and so understands better.
Nobody really gets my eating disorder. I donāt live with my family, but with my partner and his mum (until we find our own place) and his mum is also absolutely useless in supporting me. She just doesnāt get it at all. So I must remain strong (which doesnāt work much so far). I know what a struggle it is.
I cross fingers for you that youāll feel only better again
Iām still at Hungary on holiday. I have super irregular eating here and so itās hard to even know if the way Iām eating is okay or not But I think that I donāt mind as much because I hope that this broke the cycle I was in before holiday when I was unable to stop over-eating on sweetsā¦ I still eat sugar food here but I donāt over-eat or binge on it. Yesterday I even refused late(ish) dinner because I was still full from lunch.
I donāt feel good at my body for the whole time here. I feel like the irregular eating makes me feel āfatā and itās unpleasant but Iām just accepting it and planning to get back on with my active life bavk home and feel better again.
Iām walking here a lot (18km Yesterday for example) so itās not like I went from active to passive. Itās just a weird unsettled feeling because I donāt have an order in things I do here as I would have it at home. Iām finding out that I totally love holiday, travelling and exploring but I also miss my ordinary daily life and I couldnāt live like this every day. Itās good because that makes me to look forward to my ordinary day to day which not many people have. Means I have a good life which I like. I feel blessed
Food journal checkin.
Kept my food journal today mostly. Forgot dinner cause of all the travel prep for tomorrow. Hunger and satiety signals are good enough. Hormones make it slightly difficult to register, but my brain is getting better at receiving and prioritising. Had some cravings after dinner but learned my lesson and definitively donāt need another sleepless night with panic attacks.
57 days no crisps.
1 day no takeaways, no binge-eating.
0 days no sugar.
Sugar would have been 1 day as well, but I stil had ice cream from my grocery delivery that came yesterday, so I ate it because I didnāt want to have it around.
I canāt lie, my mind is a battlefield because it feels like I should let myself have crisps because I might as well reset that counter with all the rest. I should know better than that because crisps are what usually keep my relapses dragging on and on. Itās not worth the risk, however much I want them right now.
Iāve had a lot of dizziness recently, and Iām worried itās because of my drastic eating changes. All my changes have been for the better, Iām not starving myself, im eating fewer empty calorie foodsā¦but Iām eating a lot lessā¦and I have this dizzy/weak feeling, like you get when youāre not eating enough. Idk. It could also be my new ADHD meds.
No urges to binge today, which Iām grateful for. Normally at this time in the month, i would be reaching for the chocolate/comfort foods almost every day, and spiralling into guilt and body shame, and from there into tv and escapism to get myself far away from my body mentally.
I still would love to lose more weight, and I have to keep trying not to focus on that. I have this image in my head of how perfect life will be when i finally lose all the weight, and all that does is deny me satisfaction with my life as it is now.
One feeling thatās coming up a lot isā¦ boredom. I used food as a way to add stimulation and interest to my day. Now I donāt. Life feels a little more flat and empty. Itās like, nothing is as interesting as food? Thereās not a lot of activities that have the same shimmer around them. I love to crochet and embroider, but thatās just never going to give me the same buzz as a sleeve of oreos. Iām grateful for my abstinence, but I hope I can find other stuff to enjoy as much as I used to enjoy food.
Day 3 no binge eating. Easter was a hot mess, but at least it was expected, and I got right back on track on Monday. Iām working on planning my meals at least the morning of if not the day before. Also trying to do 5 minutes of mindful eating at the beginning of each meal (per my therapist suggestion) and itās HARD. I am so uncomfortable! But it helps me to check in with my hunger levels and to slow down.
2 days no takeaways.
1 day no sugar.
0 days no crisps, no binge-eating.
I tried, I even made it until both of the local shops had closed. However, ever the addict minded me, I realised I could order crisps from one of the grocery stores on the delivery app. I did try to cancel the order the same second as I placed it, but it wouldnāt let me. So between 11pm last night, and 1:15pm this afternoon, I binged 19 bags of crisps. Iām determined to get back on track now. Iāve weighed myself and Iāve gained 8.2lbs this relapse. Now I need to get it back off and much more too.
I just reseted my watch because we went for buffet dinner and I over ate so muchā¦ I knew I would. It feels super not nice. Wish we rather went for a normal meal.
3 days no takeaways.
2 days no sugar.
1 day no crisps, no binge-eating.
Iāve worked out today that it will be the 3rd of June when my counters are all in the 60s. That will be my next PB as I didnāt quite make it before relapsing. ODAAT I know, but it also helps me to have something to aim for.
I have been for my walk today for the first time in about 6 weeks, so Iām pleased about that.
Yesterday there were gluten free bread rolls offered at breakfast. I wanted to try them out but didnāt consider that they were obviously in the ultra processed food category. Iām resetting my counter then Iām order to stay consistent here. Today Iāll keep to rice waffles.
Day 5 today. My partner is so supportive, last night I really wanted to get nachos during bar trivia and he talked me off the ledge and promised to give me a few ranch Takis when we went home.
This journey takes its time. It takes time to identify your triggers, to find a lifestyle that suits you, to work out strategies how to navigate difficult situations. Youāre doing it 
PMS with all the hormones going on a rollercoaster ride is especially hard. Youāll get through this!
But I think that I donāt mind as much because I hope that this broke the cycle I was in before holiday when I was unable to stop over-eating on sweetsā¦ I still eat sugar food here but I donāt over-eat or binge on it. Yesterday I even refused late(ish) dinner because I was still full from lunch.
