Sorry to hear that. Like Aga said, its so fucking hard… I dont know if you are doing it as well, but what is driving me crazy is that I’m thinking so so much about the food. Obsessively much. What I would eat, what I can eat, what I can’t eat etc. All the fckn time! I remember those first days without alcohol, it was the same. But this food obsession, it’s seems like not fading out with time. Or maybe I’m not giving it a time to fade? I dont know. But its hard. And its driving me nuts.
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Thank you @acromouse 
No, I won’t give up. I’m just frustrated. Right now I’m doing well. It’s the bloody evenings when I really really struggle… I need to change something 
I am always happy to see the counters with good numbers on them, like yours. They give me hope that it is possible 
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I used to have this and it is EXHAUSTING!!! Overtaking the life… I don’t have it anymore, except for evenings. When I sit to watch a telly, I could bite my nails to blood how much I want to snack!! The urge is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m watching. Then I gove in and binge and at the beginning it’s such relief. But it doesn’t last long, soon it’s replaced by guilt. I need to over come the urge and not give in. More times I manage to do that, easier it gets.
I got rid of thinking about food for the whole day long after my therapy. I’m glad I don’t have that anymore. It was driving me crazy, honestly… Now I have my hobbies and I think about that. Or I think about my responsibilities in the day. I don’t think about food as much until I am hungry.
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Just a thought: If watching telly in the evening is such a difficult time for you, maybe break the routine and do something different at that time? Something that is related to relaxing and self care but not to eating? Just so your brain can create a new pathway?
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161 sugar
25 UPF
32 gluten
11 dairy
10 overeating/binge
Before starting dinner yesterday I had a very upsetting talk with my ex. I had the dinner already there sitting on my table and I was ready to eat. But then some part of me realised: I am not hungry. I was half an hour ago before that talk. But now I was upset, devastated, grieving, angry. All kinds of things. But I was not hungry. I did not experience any hunger signals at this moment. And then it dawned on my, like that lady says in her podcast: anger is not a food group. You can not eat anger, sadness or any other emotion away. So I didn’t. I went for a long walk instead and cried a lot. Food can not help with emotions. What a lesson.
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@acromouse thank you 
I hope your antibiotics side effects have gone away 
congrats on 30+ days no gluten 
and double digits no dairy and overeating/binge
@Aleyadaisey congrats on 1234 days, nice number
8 days no takeaways.
0 days no crisps, no sugar, no binge-eating.
Checking-in with yesterday’s numbers…
I had a really hard therapy session on Monday. I had my usual healthy lunch afterwards. I was doing okay, managing my emotional state with meditations and breathing exercises. But then, an ice cream van came round at 7pm and I couldn’t resist. Predictably, this was shortly followed by a trip to the closest shop, however I did manage to resist anything else sugary, and came home with 2 big bags of crisps.
Then, at 11pm, something possessed me and I created a new account of the food delivery website and ordered £60 worth of crisps and chocolate, and biscuits, and a big bottle of coca-cola!!! I was bingeing until 2am then trying and failing to make myself vomit.
I continued bingeing when my alarms woke me up yesterday morning before my session with the psychologist I am seeing. I was fighting the sugar coma effect all through the seasion, I was so fatigued and felt so low. She was so concerned about me she called the Adult Eating Disorder Service, who I am waiting for CBT-E therapy with, I have been waiting since last Summer so far. They advised her to tell me to send an email detailing how things had changed, so I’ve done that this morning. I’ve asked if there’s an idea how much longer I’ll be waiting too.
I still had loads of chocolate and biscuits left when my dad bought the final van load of stuff to store in my garage last night, so I put it all in a bag and gave it to his wife. I feel bad that my dad may eat some of it (he’s diabetic like me) but he doesn’t abuse it like I do.
I reset my counters yesterday evening so today is day 1, again, for sugar, crisps, and binge-eating. I really feel done with it. It literally couldn’t get much worse. I hope this is my rock bottom. It feels like it is.
🩵
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Ah this all sounds like you are having an especially hard time friend. I hope some light shows up in your life soon. Being in this constant rollercoaster of wanting to quit and falling prey to cravings is the worst time. Sending you all the strength and love.
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Food journal checkin. Today I only wrote once into my journal for breakfast. For lunch I was still so upset from the situation with my ex and my mind kept repeating insults it wanted to hurl at him through the whole meal. And at that moment I felt like I really wanted to eat that anger cause I wanted to get out of this spiral. But I just ate the food and then stopped when I was not hungry any more and decided to deal with anger in a more useful way, like pushing myself really hard on my bike later. Dinner I just honestly forgot, I was very hungry.
This whole journey here about food is really about how I relate to it. Even if mistaking food as a tool for emotional regulation will probably happen many times still, I honestly do not see how food could give me anything beyond well taste and satiety. And that only works when I am hungry, when I eat real food, when I pay attention to eating and when I stop once I am satisfied. It feels sooooo good.
At my mother‘s this afternoon someone had brought all kinds of cake. I honestly did not care at all for it. A few months ago I would have gone crazy with my thoughts circling around wanting-not-wanting. This truly is gone. I truly can say: I really do not want to eat this.
So tomorrow I am going back to being more conscientious with my food journal. It‘s a magical tool for sure.
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@acromouse thank you 🩵
9 days no takeaways.
1 day no crisps, no sugar, no binge-eating.
I’ve spent the entire day catching-up here, first on this thread, then the main checking-in thread. I have slowly felt more and more of my body and brain be released from the sugar coma. I’m nowhere near free of glucose from my urine or blood yet, but all I know is that I stopped putting anymore in 24hrs ago, so it WILL become clear in some more time, as I won’t be putting anymore in. It’s scary though, and I feel it’s effects, likely for days more yet.
It just feels good to have 1 day right now. I intend to spend the next 2/3 of the year only adding to my counters.
I haven’t had any cravings today at all, which of course is helpful. I also have 12 more days until my next therapy session, so it gives me time to build up some strength, so that I am feeling stronger not to eat my feelings/emotions afterwards.
Cravings can FRO!
🩵
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Reseting my counter and hoping to really get on with it from tomorrow on… 
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I feel you and think of you 
@CATMANCAM
I hope everything is good now with your husband @acromouse
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So sorry that you’re having a rough time with your ex, acromouse. Sending supportive hugs your way. 
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162 sugar
26 UPF
33 gluten
12 dairy
11 overeating/binge
Today should be less hectic. Back to my food journal then.
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Knowing that my mum in law is going for our grocery shopping today, I asked her not to buy anything sweet for me, because I want to cut off sugar. And what did she do? Bought me my favourite ice creams… And this doesn’t make it easy for me. If I live alone, I wouldn’t buy the stuff at all. Like this, it’s easy accessible and very convinient for me to just grab one in fraction of moment when ED overtakes my rational mind. I feel powerless.
So far it wasn’t tempting for me, because my stomach is in pain since yesterday binge and I go through all the uncomfortable feelings such bloating and feeling “fat” (I know I’m not fat, but I feel like it sometimes).
These feelings help me to stay away from binging or eating food such as sugars which irritates my stomach. Even more now when I binged couple of evenings in raw. I wish I’d feel better, different than this. And I know I can if I stay away from some kind food. It’s ridiculous that I habe a knowledge of what food causes me what discomfort, yet if I feel ok, I’ll still go and grab it no matter the consequences… 
Makes no sense whatsoever and feels like I have no respect for myself and love for my own body.
I am a bit angry and frustrated once again, even though I am not binging so far and not planning to.
At least I did 5km run in the morning and that felt awesome! I am injured (for aaaaages!!) and I didn’t experience comfortable run for quite a while. So running without pain today gave me the ‘runner’s high’ and made me feel great for a little bit. I love to move. That definitely helps to keep my mindset in the positive mode Even thinking about that run right now makes me feel better.
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@Jana1988 I can very much relate to this cycle of bingeing, feeling awful and this way not being interested in bingeing for a while, but getting back to it after feeling better again. It’s an addiction and it does not listen to reason. There will always be this addicted part of me, that will believe that bingeing is good. I only have a chance against it, if the parts that believe otherwise are stronger.
And I really am sorry for your home situation. If your trigger foods are easily available and people at home don‘t respect your boundaries that‘s really difficult.
Food journal checkin. Kept my food journal for most of my meals. The afternoon and evening were a bit strange. I felt like I wanted to eat, but my stomach did not feel well, so I am not sure I was hungry or not. I am not sure if I am going to count this as overeating 
I had this intense feeling like a craving for any kind of food and together with my upset stomach it all masked my hunger and satiety signals. Difficult to judge to be honest. I‘ll have to think about it some more.
I would not mind resetting my counter, I find it more important to have a good connections with my feelings around food. Now that I am thinking about it, I might reset my counter. After all I did eat without being truly able to say I was hungry. And as this is my definition of abstinence… I‘ll mull it over in my mind and decide then.
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Yeah. I feel better now with my stomach (and mood). I didn’t binge or over eat today which is nice, even better - I didn’t have any sweets. I have protein bars, these I don’t count in as they’re low sugar and I use them for my recovery after exercise…
My mum in law not only brought sweets from the grocery shop, but she also brings freshly baked cakes from her job (she works at school and the chef in the kitchen loves baking and always gives her some for us)… So that is another hard bit to resist…
But I was at stage in my past when all this wasn’t affecting me. So there’s some possibility to get through this.
Today without sugar will move me closer to my goal, I know it. Just hope we’ll have nothing at work too. Because often we’re being treated there to doughnuts. My life is really surrounded by this all, isn’t it… 
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@Jana1988 thank you thinking of you too. I’d find it impossible in your living environment, really feel for you that you are not being listened to.
10 days no takeaways.
2 days no crisps, no sugar, no binge-eating.
Today, for the first time probably ever, I have really and truly “sat” (layed) with my feelings. At times, I have felt like I was going to break down into floods of tears, but as usual, they wouldn’t come. I can’t label any of the feelings, but I allowed how I felt. I’ve also done 10 meditations because it helped me feel less alone in my emotional turmoil.
I haven’t had any cravings again, I think my brain and body are completely done with using food to cope. I feel so emotionally exhausted from what I’ve put myself through, and quite nauseous. It feels like a break-up, but one that’s been a hell of a long time coming.
🩵
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Day 1237 : No binge today.
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