Blackouts, assault and humiliation

Your Story
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Hi Fury.

Thanks for your message. I continue to be blown away by the support of this community. I weirdly never ‘aimed’ at a blackout. It just happened. You are right that I need to accept it first myself, and then I can deal with the rest. One step at a time. My dad is a big drinker and my mom has anorexia - so anyone would think they would understand the genetic link - but theyre both in denial about their conditions and the ability for something to travel genetically like that. I think they’ve been fixated on the idea of me being highly functioning (in my career and my hobbies and academically) that I have this silly fear of shattering that.

Well done to you for what you are doing. You’re right that my friends may know more than I think, but I’m already getting a few “you’re not that bad…”

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Hi @Faugxh, thanks for your lovely heartfelt message.

You are right - we are not responsible for our parents happiness and wellbeing.

Thank you for sharing about your relationships too. My boyfriend is amazing, we have only been together 1 year, but he loves me and clearly communicates a desire to want to continue to be with me. But it is interesting what you say about the fact it takes two to tango - that we both may need a reset to reengage. I know he has some sex shame around his desires, and I know I do too (I was closeted bi sexual for years), and still fantisize mainly about sex with women. I would get drunk and go to gay clubs searching for something. But we are open about our journeys in sex and our kaleidescope of desires and wants that we can explore together. And maybe this year, with my sobriety, may mark a time that we can better connect about these things as I approach 30 and him 40. This is so helpful too: “It’s your responsibility to fix your alcoholism, absolutely, but in my experience, where alcohol is involved to facilitate things in a relationship, there is work to be done by all involved in this relationship to make it whole and good again for everyone.”

I know this to be true. I know that I sometimes struggle with commitment, doubts and fears in my relationship and I use alcohol to feel amazing. When I need to create that feeling through other things.

I am inspired by you all! Thank you for your support, I cannot wait to keep waking up sober, without searching through my phone for clues of what I might have done last night, and finding out I’ve binge eaten everything in the fridge so I have to replace all the food. Gosh, a new light. Happy Sunday x

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Hi @Alliecat. Thanks for your message, we sound very similar too.

“Waking up in a pool of my vomit, - (BEEN THERE) in a strangers bed (BEEN THERE) not knowing where my wallet is (AND PHONE RIGHT?) not knowing what I said and did the night before, looking through my photos and texts to get clues from last nights binge (THE FRIDGE, HOUSE, BANK ACCT)… are all history for me now.”

I am so so pleased that there is another side to this. I listened to a podcast today where a woman said some really simple things, but which resonated and they were “no one is forcing me to do this to myself. I was choosing to go out, blackout and lose everything and wake up with intense anxiety about what I migth have done, texting all my friends to work out who I’d pissed off etc.”

It it OUR choice. In the same way that I believe it is my choice over whether to have a baby or whether to go workout. It is my choice what I put in my body and I don’t need to justify it to anyone else that I am getting healthy. This month may be easier, but I know it’ll get harder as the months roll on.

I have signed up to a few podcasts and I am ordering a few books (I’ve already read the Unexpected Joy of and Glorious Rockbottom) I would love any more recommendations on documentaries or books or tips.

I would also love some mocktail recipes to try as I really want to have a lovely alternative :slight_smile: And I suppose when bars open up again I would like to pick a bar for the good non-alcoholic alternatives :slight_smile:

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Hi, I am exactly the same way, I always thought the way I drank, black out and empty stomach I was alone! Thank u for sharing! We can do this one day at a time

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I use to drink vodka straight.almost every night of the week.i use to get either a pint an a half or an fifth.I would usally blac out once i drink a little more than a pint an a half.i had to rely on wat the people who was around me that night would tell me i done.i use to hate it.didn’t want to believe wat the people was telling me but i had no choice.yet I would do it again night after night thinking I would be able to handle it better.

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Go with the Ribena - no regrets with Ribena, and no risk of going too far. :innocent:

The wine is not what you are looking forward to. The numbness is what you are after. The escape. I don’t mean to be unkind in what I’m saying here. I just mean to be crystal clear: alcohol is not something you want. It’s just an escape hatch you use to run away from life, and you’ve been doing it for so many years you’ve forgotten (or maybe never learned) that there are other ways to manage stress, ways which are healthy and not destructive.

Our culture (and our minds) tends to romanticize wine, or whatever drug or behaviour we use to numb ourselves. It’s got lots of “cute” catch-phrases (“wine o’clock”), we think of it as a “reward”. Meanwhile we agonize over the very things you put in the title to this thread: blackouts, assault, and humiliation.

You have a deep reservoir of wisdom, courage, and determination. I am sure you are at the beginning of a very significant journey of self-discovery here. I know you will learn a great deal about yourself and what you want and need, and how to speak and act in healthy ways for what you need.

The first and most important thing is to be sober today. Just be sober today. Let yourself heal. Read about sobriety. Participate in groups, online or in person, as appropriate - there are many options on these two threads:
Online meeting resources
Resources for our recovery

As you work your recovery, your life will become clearer. And it will be good.

Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. You’ve been burying them for years. They will come up. It’s ok. Cry, be angry, be joyful, be every shade of emotion, sober, and know that for the first time ever, you are feeling them fully - and that is beautiful, and it is good.

Take care Freckles and keep checking in :innocent:

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Thank you. See you around.
:pray:t2::heart:

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Thank you so much Matt. I will join both those threads. I really do miss the in-person connection at the moment of talking to people about this, but this online community has been super helpful too. I’ve followed some sober accounts and its really helpful to know that so many people have tricky relationships with alcohol and can make the CHOICE each day to not waking up shaking. I had this bizarre fear that people would cease to see me as ‘fun’, I know thats a common feeling but actually, we know thats bullshit. We know that our being drunk and uncontrollable does not make us a better lover or friend or person, so actually I’d rather be the friend who is accountable and present and engaging than the one who has a story about how fucked up she got. So yes, just sober today. and then repeat each morning and remember what I have GAINED.

My boyfriend has already been amazing. He drank the rest of my wine yesterday while we talked about it (which was good, I HATE things going to waste and I also want to feel that he is comfortable around me to do that - my relationship right now is not one that doesn’t like other people drinking, its just one that knows that its poison to ME, in the same way that I no longer crave pasta because it gives me a tummy ache, but that doens’t mean I don’t like it when other people order it in restaurants).

I shed some tears last night, for the fact that I know I have been ashamed in blackouts and my boyfriend telling me that he wants me to remember the sex. I hated that I didn’t on the 5 occassions I’ve blacked out the last 16 months. WE discussed whether 5 is enough to warrant this drastic move. Is it? But do I want to wait until things get that bad? I blacked out at a wedding in 2019 and spent 7 hours doing god knows what and wrecking things. Do I want things to get THAT bad that I do something to harm my relationship or my career? Definitely absolutely not.

I am going to keep checking in. I know it will get harder than the current feeling now of excitement. Grateful to you all. Grateful for community in a time of none. Step by step. All I need right now is my flatmate and boyfriend aware and to accept myself. Month by month, I can invite others in to how I’m feeling sober but its nice to know that really it is MY decision.

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Good for you Freckles. Keep it up, one day at a time. Keep checking in here - we’d love to see how you’re doing.

There’s a thread for checking in where you can follow along with others’ journeys too, pat each other on the back, do some cheerleading & share your support:

Take care Freckles! Looking forward to seeing you around.

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Hi Tarag, we can do it. God the empty stomach thing basically gave me Gallstones!

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Welcome,
I haven’t posted in a while, but this caught my attention. So a couple of thoughts:
-I didn’t drink wine period. If it was wine or stay sober, I’d stay sober (Doesn’t make any sense, but it is a drug and by definition, don’t make sense.) Primarily beer and if I was out, some liquor. The reality is I don’t think ‘Wine is your sugar’, alcohol is. Wine is just the prefered system of delivery.
-As far as your bf. Some people won’t understand. Sometimes it is because they can’t see from your end, sometimes they don’t want to see. You are responsible for your sobriety. He isn’t.
-Be careful w the qualifying statement “it’s not that I drink regularly (it might be once a week) or even once a fortnight”. I bet if you look back, that has again and again been a reason/excuse for your continuing to drink,
-The fact that you make the calculated choice to drink on an empty stomach looks problematic as well. It is the equivelent of a scrip abuser crushing and shooting pills rather than taing them orally. Faster entry into bloodstream and harder high.
Please excuse me for sounding harsh, that isn’t my intent. This sounds a lot like me, so it hit me. Now for the good I read:
-You took the first step. You realize that it is problem.
-You can identify the patterns in your actions.
-You can choose to limit consumption as per your statement on sometimes two or three.
-You realize that for that two months you were sober, “only good things came into my life.”
-You realize that you have something to lose “Good career or good relationship”.

All this said, it is something you can do and the reward for it is immeasurable. Life will still happen to you and around you. This isn’t about me so I won’t give you the negatives I’ve dealt with. I will tell you that the last time I had a drink was 31 Dec 2013. There was a woman that I dated a few times (2010 and 2013) that broke off our relationship because of my drinking. We started dating again in 2015 and just celebrated our 4th wedding Anniversary last week. My financial issues are all but gone, because I’m not blowing money on alcohol any more and with all that time I used to spend drinkning, I coach and do some specialized teaching on the side.
Please contact me if I can ever be of service,
Chandler

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Hi @Chandler13. Thanks for your welcome message.

Interesting wha you say that wine is just the preferred system of delivery. I will think on that. Its day 4 and I’m already getting actual sugar cravings (as a way to perhaps reward myself for not drinking! But theyre not intense. I’m having hearty healthy meals, running and doing yoga still so I’ll be on track for a while, but the sugar cravings will come, and then I am sure the actual alcohol cravings (which, I veil as just being the sugar in red wine.

My boyfriend has been amazing recently. I have been open about this forum and how helpful it has been. He has made a few jokes about ‘when you’re drinking again… we will go back to that place’ and I’ve told him that thats not a helpful comment becuase I may not want to drink again. He apologised and said of course thats okay.

My choice to drink on an empty stomach wasn’t to get drunk, its because I wanted to save my body from waking up gaining weight. I’m ashamed thats the reason, but yes I’d cycle to work, run in at lunch time, and then go to the pub, so it was an empty stomach and I knew I’d be drinking the calories so I didn’t want to be totally unhealthy. ridiculous excuse I suppose now I hear it.

What a special story with you and your wife - congrats to you. I’m so pleased for you. I hope my relationship will have the legs yours has and hopefully the more I remind him of the good parts of my sobriety as they begin to show, hopefully he will support me and not think I’m ‘boring’. I know things will change and I will change who I am and how I have fun.

Thanks Chandler.

Freckles x

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Hey Mat,
We don’t interact on here much in conversation, but I think you are a very wise man and I appreciate all your post. And indirectly you have helped me a lot.
Thank you, for being here,
:pray: :heart:

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Thanks Eric that’s very kind of you. I try to pitch in where I can - and I could say the same thing about the community here: it means a lot to me to have the wisdom and support of the people here on TS. I wouldn’t be where I am now without it :innocent:

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“My choice to drink on an empty stomach wasn’t to get drunk, its because I wanted to save my body from waking up gaining weight. I’m ashamed thats the reason, but yes I’d cycle to work, run in at lunch time, and then go to the pub, so it was an empty stomach and I knew I’d be drinking the calories so I didn’t want to be totally unhealthy. ridiculous excuse I suppose now I hear it.”
That was interesting. I would eat something at lunch then not eat for the rest of the day. I wanted the systemic shock of alcohol on an empty stomach when I got home or went out that night.

I am glad you are seeing some positive turns w your boyfriend. That support is immeasurable in value. My wife chooses not to in deference to me, though she never drank much anyway. We do live in the rural South, so our town only started allowing alcohol sales on Sundays less than ten years ago. People drink, but it isn’t a ‘drinking culture’ kind of thing.

Look at the information on ‘keto diet’. I am betting the sugar craving can be overcome. Certainly not pushing diet on anyone, just good information on how your body processes and ‘craves’ sugar.

Again, I quit 1 Jan 2014. I weighed abt 240 lbs and had been close to 250. Looking back at pics, I always think, “Holy Crap, I look like a total slob.” I stayed around 220 lbs for a few years and then I decided to get serious about it in late 2019. I stay between 196 and 206 depending on how hard I am exercising. I ran my first 5K this year at age 50.

I have come to the conclusion, that “Quitting is easy, it’s staying quit that’s a bitch.” Just like you had to learn to drink, you have to learn to not to.

Let’s be honest, Whatever your delivery system, you probably didn’t like it the first time you tried it. I mean it was fermented something and fermented isn’t ever a tasty option. What happens is that I/you/we realize that beer/red wine isn’t real tasty but is followed by the rewarding kick of alcohol, so we eventually learn to associate the two and think “Wow, I like red wine,” when what we really like is the kick from the alcohol.

I have now finished y rambling for the day.

Best,
Chandler

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Hi, thank you @Chandler13 so much of what you say is so on point.

You’re so right - quitting is easy, its staying thats the bitch. A case in point - my boyfriend was amazing tonight - I said that I was tempted to break my sobriety just for one night, and to have one. He said that he would prefer if we both drank alcohol free beers, so I went and bought us both alcohol free beers, and I am so happy we did that. We just had one each (Becks) and they were tasty, felt like a real beer in a way, but I KNEW then that a real beer is very very different because after a real one I would want whatever delivery system could get more alcohol in. They are very very different, as the alcohol free drinks just stop any addiction. I really feel that I’m starting to trust his support.

Keto I’ve looked into before as I am a vegetarian and into the high fat high protein low carb model. Thanks, I’ll try and stick with this more rigorously but its not as easy when I’m running most days! (about 8km per day).

I am really struggling with my first weekend. I’ve started to binge eat which I havn’t done for years and its making me feel almost as bad, I feel, as the booze. I’m also erratic and paranoid but that might just be lockdown in London? The last time I went sober for a few months, it was in the summer and somehow I really felt myself feel amazing, I could see the changes in my body more, which now due to the fact that I’m walking around less and inside is less visible.
I am finding this January extremely difficult and I’m not ‘feeling’ good as I hoped I would. I know it takes time, just wondering how others are in January compared to maybe how sobriety would feel on another month and indeed year of normalcy. I feel more anxious about everything that I am doing. I feel sad that I cannot simply have a drink and relax. I know I will find other ways (I practice yoga, stretching and running and I play guitar, read books etc.) but I miss it. I really miss the opportunity of doing things. Not even the thing itself. I would be fine knowing that I was sober until February, and I know I never want to black out again and even if I just drink once a month, I just don’t know if I can live a life this flat, anxious, lacking in intimacy and freezing cold.

I’m sure its the zeitgeist. Its hard, isnt it? This year is hard.

Keep trying everyone.

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It’s ok to binge eat Freckles; in early sobriety your body is trying to replace the carbs from the alcohol. For the moment eat what you want, when you want. If you are too strict with yourself on eating in these early days you will set yourself up for a relapse.

After a few months your diet will stabilize. You will gain some weight. Who cares. You’ll be sober.

Be gentle with yourself, be forgiving with yourself. That’s important for staying sober - you have to be kind to yourself :innocent:

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Hello and welcome!! It looks like you are getting some great advice and support here already. Here’s my two cents…

Your boyfriend might not realize or want to admit himself that your drinking is a serious enough issue that you need to abstain. When I was going through bouts of stopping drinking alcohol and then trying to moderate, my boyfriend definitely thought I was capable of moderation. I think it was partially that it’s just something we did enjoy together. But the nights that I got really bad did not outweigh the fun times. I had to say out loud, both for myself and for him to really understand, that I could not control my drinking. I also expressed that I felt it was hurting our relationship and it was more worth it for me to not drink than to risk damaging our relationship because of alcohol. This might not apply to your situation, but I think being straightforward and honest with him about why you need to stop could help him understand.

I was also a big wine drinker. I make a wine substitute now when I want a glass of red wine with dinner or something. I switch it up, but the basic idea is a mixture of juices (usually cranberry, tart cherry, and/or pomegranate with no added sugars), N/A bitters (aromatic, Orange, and black walnut —a company called Fee Brothers makes them), and seltzer. It’s really good and I drink it out of a wine glass to feel fancy. Except instead of drinking two bottles, I have one glass and I am not drunk! Also no hangover so there’s a bonus :blush:

Let us know how things go for you. I highly recommend using the Checking In Daily thread to post daily updates. This time around, it’s really helped me to post and engage every day to keep me on track.

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I know you weren’t replying to me but that hit home. So thanks.

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Hi Matt - thanks a lot. Yeah, I suppose thats right.

I unfortunately beat myself up about weight gain as I used to be a restrictive eater, but I know that I just need to prioritise the sobriety and then work from there.

Going to try and be kind to myself, I am bizarrely finding the anxiety so extreme. My boyfriend has been worried about my levels of anxiety and worrying about things that don’t even exist and whether people hate me. Perhaps the veil has been lifted, the veil that was red wine is gone and I’m here to examine what is left.

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