Good morning sober folks!
I’ve never been one to self-celebrate, I haven’t made a post for any of my other milestones. It was never good enough. I was super happy for other people, but me myself, I was always still coming short of my own expectations.
TWO YEARS after turning the big page and becoming sober I have finally learnt the lesson that setting yourself apart in self-deprecation and self-loathing is still setting yourself apart. I’m not special, I’m not less, I’m one of you all here and could not be more happy to be. when you have an anniversary, you share with the community and you let everyone else in on the achievement. you don’t simmer in self-serving regret and needlessly take away from your own light. you become one of the many, finally. this is the latest lesson I am learning. and it’s a really big one for me.
I am still a massive perfectionist so I’m gonna write this out as it comes and force myself to not attempt to make it comprehensive. and not re-read and try and make it concise and more “readable” and apologise at the end either. this is the internet. there is enough space for everyone.
I was a drunk because I was depressed. from my youth on, I felt away from people. I felt the separation of souls from each other like the never-healing wound of a cut off limb. the few people I loved, I loved with such abandon, need and fierceness that they all got enough of me after a while. violent separation scenes ensued. it was palpable to everyone there was no independent soul in me, that could live on its own in any way. I was dependent on people. when there was a disagreement with a friend I would fall into a pit of guilt deep as a volcano. when the friend got over whatever bugged them and allowed me back in their graces, I was dancing with the sunlight and a unity and happiness surged through me I could have sustained myself on forever. until the next situation. I had learned this behaviour in my family. where no one is independent and we are all guilty of and responsible for everything everyone does and feels at all times. and no one’s ever happy, content or in any sort of good place. and I was soaking up all this guilt and all this pain. when they blamed me for their unhappiness on top of this, a perfect guilt storm had me locked in.
absolutely most people though, I feared. I couldn’t go anywhere, talk to anyone at all roughly my age without feeling such intense inferiority it was like a shameful fire was eating me alive. “forever being less good” was my fate. and I was coming ever more into it. I hated myself. and I hated others because I feared them.
It took me many months in therapy to realise that I had not gotten enough as a child in my family. enough love, any respect at all, any independence, enough kindness, attention, patience, interest even. we got way too little, my sister and I. for a while I was obsessed with thinking about this and being angry at my parents. I still am angry. but I have come to a point where I can ask a different question: who am I, what do I want? not: what happened to me. I thought the day would never come. that I am becoming my own person.
drinking kept me stuck in all my ways in which I was not living. not developing. all my pain and harmful, toxic, unliveable thoughts, habits and tendencies it supported, conserved, held up like laws under which I was enslaved.
sobriety for me is nothing less than the possibility of becoming a person. of having agency. of having a life, from day to day, consistency. remembering my thoughts, following my own story. honouring my relationships. knowing what I am about. building habits, learning skills, investing time in things I enjoy and that make my life beautiful.
two years ago, we had gotten a dog I was pretty much caring for on my own. because my boyfriend was never home. he worked a high-prestige and high- stress job and didn’t have time. he also lived a double life, unbeknownst to me. my drinking kept me nice and tucked in, far from ever allowing the thought anything was wrong with us and that I was unhappy with the way things were. my sobriety and recovery have since made it possible to finally face these truths. for him to start his own recovery. for us to meet in mututal respect and honesty. give our love a true chance. things are not always rosy. but they are real.
my beloved dog used to be sad. I was so unhappy and always drunk, I was not able to provide the special security and bonding she needed. she’s a special girl. now we have two dogs. my first is no longer unhappy. and my second has not had a unhappy day in her life. I’m a good, proud Scottie mama and they are my absolute stars. I always joke I tell them more often I love them in a single day than I heard my parents ever say to me all the while I grew up. and saying that I can rejoice in my ability to love, not focus on the bitterness that I myself was lacking in it.
my flat was a mess. there was literally a corridor in the bedroom so we could get to the bed. the living room we could not use, apart from a small area for a barbell.
Now I have some two dozen house plants. I renovated my flat and build a lot of shelves and a table even. we have a weight station. two dogs live here and have space to play. in my kitchen I make cakes I sell at work. it’s clean and functional enough for that. it’s a home.
I used to be lonely. in between work shifts I would often not talk to a single person for days or go anywhere. if I had to meet people, I was drunk. my social anxiety and inferiority was like the water in a fish tank. now I know so many people, mostly ladies, in my neighbourhood and I say hello and have a chat with at least one person like every time I leave the house. often I am touched by their lives and feel honoured to share a little thing or two. I feel stable and normal during these interactions. I can be myself. not try and be something to the other person.
some old friendships fell away. they haven’t made the transition into a more honest, deeper connection and would have needed for me to remain the forever submissive. that has been painful. but new relationships are being formed which I feel like I can breathe in. I wouldn’t have thought I’d be making any more friends at my age.
sobriety will deliver on all levels you need it to. if you put the work in, of course.
things I can tell you after two years:
do therapy. positive thinking, recovery slogans, memes, podcasts, literature, biographies, even the forum - all things I value SO highly and have done SO much for me. but the mind is powerful. the unconscious will win over the conscious mind, the mind that wants to be better, in many cases. that’s why we have relapses. why people repeat the abuse they suffered in their own relationships. why they always get into the same messes again. why we develop chronic physical symptoms if we don’t deal with our emotional stuff. nobody wants to do these things. but they are part of you and happen for a reason. you can hear a thousand times: “be kind to yourself”, “don’t blame yourself”, “you’re worthy” etc. and if you can believe that and can live accordingly that’s wonderful and I’m happy for you! pass that shit on!
but to all the people who feel they are so far away from implementing positive attitudes, developing self worth, self-affirmative forces in themselves: you are not broken forever! but you are broken on a deep enough level that the transformative force needs to be massive. like, you need the Grand Surgery of the Soul. so, if the measures you’re taking aren’t enough to keep you sober OR if you’re not as happy as you wished to be and I know you can be because I’ve been there: do therapy. I do Psychoanalysis and I would not be nowhere near where I am if I didn’t.
recovery is not streamlined. neither is life. accept the ups and downs, the specific qualities of life, emotions, thoughts. they come and go. take comfort in this. I still fall into depressive episodes. but it’s a lot less often and I can deal with it a lot better. but it still sucks hardcore.
everyone should listen to the Mental Illness Happy Hour with Paul Gilmartin who’s a saint.
I want to thank this community which has done more for me than you guys will ever know - unless you’ve felt the same thing as I know many of you have. I was not a person who ever reached out. It’s still uncomfortable. and one time it went entirely wrong and I had to withdraw a post. but my trust has grown. I never belonged. fear still often tells me I don’t. but my trust has grown. there are many beautiful souls on here who have touched mine in the secret, everlasting ways only true connection and vulnerability can bring. like pinpricks of gold. I can’t name all of the names of people who’ve done that to me, I don’t know all the names. But if you think you might be one of the people who touched me because I responded to your posts, then you are absolutely right. you did. and I thank you with everything I’ve got. people of the lounge. people of the weightlifting thread. people who have bared themselves so I could see you and feel close to you. thank you. I am absolutely blessed to be part of this place.
love you guys
and people who think this is too long: you can FRO! 
I hope your day is / was fabulous and you continue on your beautiful journey of health and healing. 
no one who has achieved 2 years of sobriety is a helpless person I’m so happy you’ve made these changes in your life to create a happy life for yourself.
And your journey has been just as inspirational for me.